


Accretion

by Lumy12



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Post-Canon, Slow Build, Some Humor, too many tags spoil the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-05-24 02:26:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 156,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6138192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumy12/pseuds/Lumy12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ac·cre·tion: /əˈkrēSH(ə)n/ noun 1. the process of growth or increase, typically by the gradual accumulation of additional layers or matter 2. the coming together and cohesion of matter under the influence of gravitation to form larger bodies. 3. Comic #6 in TLOU! -Joel and Ellie's relationship isn't easily defined in the "new world." [Contains elements of Joel/Ellie, but no smut]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Package Deal

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first TLOU story & my first multi-chaptered story for any fandom. It's not yet complete, but I am committed to finishing it and as I post this, I have 108,000 words already written. I'm posting the first 4 chapters at once (the first few are pretty short!) and plan to post 1 chapter a week going forward. I'm a bit skimpy with tags and warnings, partly because I don't want to spoil anything and in some cases because I'm not entirely sure they're applicable, but I will happily answer questions. Thank you for reading!

"Swear that everything you told me about the Fireflies is true."

_ Look her in the eye, Joel. She'll never buy it if you don't. _ And oh God how he needed her to believe him. Joel was a damn good liar – to everyone except Ellie, it seemed. It was uncanny how the girl could see right through his bullshit. He would need to give an Oscar-caliber performance here.

Joel regarded her with as sober and sincere an expression as he could muster and looked her square in the eye. "I swear."

He was glad she was a few paces behind him so she couldn't hear his tell-tale heart beating wildly. But _fuck_ she hesitated a little too long before that "okay." Joel could have sold the story more convincingly by embellishing the lies, fleshing them out with enough detail that she would never _dream_ he could make this shit up on the fly – or, rather, rehearse and memorize them all during the long hours of silence between Salt Lake City and Jackson. He was glad those fuckers had doped her up enough to buy him the time to come up with something plausible. But with each lie he fed her now, the chance that he might fuck this up – or get tripped up later on – increased. He just had to hope that she hadn't heard anything contradictory somewhere in that span of time she was away from him. That bitch Marlene's choice of words led him to believe Ellie had had no idea what was happening to her: " _It's what she'd want._ " Would she? Hell, why bother to ask Ellie if she wanted to die after reviving her from nearly drowning? Nah, just fucking knock her right back out again and get on with it like her opinion is irrelevant.

Joel had decided to keep her focused on the future as much as possible. The past could stay in the past where it belonged. Ellie had slept for most of the car ride, and when she woke up he filled her groggy head with sunshine and rainbows of their new life in Jackson. He would teach her to play guitar, and to swim, she could ride horses, they would have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies every day, she could watch movies every night with friends her own age, it would be so nice and oh Ellie you're just going to love it there just you wait and see _I'll make damn sure of it_. Ellie had been quiet. From the drugs, most likely. Yeah, that was probably it. Sure.

Ellie maintained enough distance between them that there was no need to fill the air with idle chatter; they walked the last half mile in silence. Since they were approaching the settlement from the southwest this time, it was the township itself that greeted them, not the dam. Joel knew they were getting close when he saw the fence. "Ellie, check this out!" He trotted up to the fence and pointed out the black clamps on one of the poles. "It's an electric fence. Tommy mentioned they had some. Me'n'him used to install 'em for the farmers back in Texas. Bet this one was a prison fence, with all that barbed wire on top. Think it's workin'?" Joel reached for a wire.

"No! Don't!" Ellie rushed over to save him from electrocuting himself. "Are you crazy?!"

Joel chuckled. "Some think so. You're right, I shouldn't test it with my hand." He grinned mischievously and grabbed her arm to tug her closer to the fence. "Lemme see yours…"

"Fuck you!" Ellie shrieked and jerked away from him, laughing for a moment but sobering quickly. Joel allowed himself a fleeting fantasy of Ellie giggling and running off into the forest, with himself in hot pursuit. When was the last time she'd run for the sheer fun of it, not because her life was at stake? He hoped she'd be able to be a kid here in Jackson. But, back to the business at hand…

"It prob'ly wouldn' hurt that bad, actually. Unless of course Tommy's got it on lethal voltage." About five hundred feet or so beyond the fence was a wall. Joel approved of all these security measures Tommy had taken. "We need to find a way around."

"Just like old times," muttered Ellie as she started scouting the area. "And by old times I mean, like, this morning."

It was hard to believe that only this morning they were blindly heading down that freeway exit to fight their way through a tunnel of Infected and, for him at least, a hospital full of Fireflies. The long, purgatorial drive here was a soft transition from before to after. Softer than the fucking outbreak, at any rate. Joel hadn't given much thought to what they'd say when they got here – his energies had been more focused on crafting a decent lie for Ellie's sake. A teenage girl who'd been through hell shouldn't have to shoulder the weight of the world. The load didn't bother him none for himself; he didn't give two shits about a world in which the 'good guys,' the heroes that everyone puts their faith in, kill innocents to further their noble fucking cause.

"Joel! Look!" Ellie stopped walking. There was a note of alarm in her voice that set Joel on edge. He looked in the direction she pointed and saw a couple of men in what appeared to be elevated guardhouses, just inside the fence. "That must be the entrance. I think I see… they have guns!"

"They do. Can't very well guard a place without 'em. Come on, let's go introduce ourselves."

"They could blow our fucking heads off!" He noticed Ellie scouting the area for cover.

"They'll be sorry if they try. We have to talk to them to get inside, silly. It'll be fine." Joel had no intention of blindly trusting these people just because they happened to be on the other side of the fence, however, and his right hand hovered near the shorty, just in case. Ellie didn't seem convinced but she kept walking, slightly behind him now. He reckoned they would both have to rewire their brains so that the mere sight of another human being wouldn't automatically trigger a fight-or-flight response. "Remember, these are Tommy's people, and Tommy's always been nicer than me. He wouldn' give anyone a gun if he thought they were trigger-happy."

Ellie snorted. "He's not the 'shoot first and ask questions later' type like you are, huh?"

"Definitely not. Hey, I ask questions first. Sometimes." Like back in Colorado when he needed to know where that motherfucker David was holding Ellie. 'Course, he killed them right after anyhow. _Kill or be killed. No middle ground. That's why we're still alive._

"Hey, Joel…" Ellie put her hand on his arm to stop him from walking any closer to the settlement. She looked down and kinda shuffled her feet like she does when she's nervous or uncomfortable.

_ Please don't call me out on the lie, not now, not yet – _ __ "What is it?" he asked gently.

"What if… well, Tommy said there was a place for you here. He wasn't exactly expecting _me_ to come back too. I was just your cargo. So… um…"

Shoot, was that all? _I got this._ "Ellie, stop. There's room in this town for both of us, I'm sure of it. Hey. Look at me." He waited a moment for her to oblige. "This ain't gonna happen, but if for some reason, my brother decides to be a dick and says you can't stay here, we'll both go. We're a package deal. Got it?"

"Got it." She did seem relieved, but she turned away so abruptly, like… like she remembered she was mad at him, or something. As they got closer, she did fall back – but only to let Joel take the lead as the men took more notice of them.

One guard drew his rifle as they got closer. The other one… actually laughed. "I'll be goddamned. You're Tommy's brother." Was the family resemblance between them really _that_ strong? Joel didn't have to wonder long. "I'm Earl. I was on duty at the dam that day you and your girl passed through here. You were a big help to us, as I recall. Lower your gun, Tuck, these two are all right. Hold on and we'll get this gate open."

Joel hadn't realized how tense he was until he felt himself relaxing, even though the man called Tuck was still eyeing them warily. "Thank you. I appreciate the welcome. Pleasure to see you again, Earl." Ellie snickered quietly beside him, presumably amused at hearing him play nice. He elbowed her gently.

"Do you even remember him?" she whispered.

"No. Shut up," he hissed back, trying to suppress his own amusement. He heard Tuck calling Tommy on his walkie talkie ("your brother and a little girl here to see you" – good, at least Tommy wouldn't be taken aback by Ellie's presence). There were some clunking noises and a moment later the gate swung inward, closing and locking again behind them as soon as they stepped inside, and the men didn't need to climb down from the guardhouses to do it. Earl dropped down from his post anyway to shake Joel's hand, and after introductions were made he answered some of Joel's questions about the town while they waited for Tommy. Pretty much every adult who was proficient with a firearm was part of the militia, many of whom took turns guarding the entrances, usually in pairs. The population was estimated to be over two hundred – they'd grown a bit over the winter. Scouting parties 'rescued' people they found out there struggling to make it on their own, if they were deemed an unlikely threat to the town. Tommy insisted on interviewing each newcomer himself at length, and everyone had to spend their first three days in quarantine - Earl said he figured Tommy would bypass all that for Joel and Ellie. They held monthly meetings for the militia and for the town as a whole, usually on the first Wednesday of the month (Joel had no idea what day of the week it was, and only knew the date from that cunt Marlene's recorder).

"Hey big brother!" Tommy's voice rang out across the grounds, and he sported a wide grin. He trotted over with Maria in tow. "You made it! Not that I'm surprised – ain't nothin' in this world could kill _you_!"

"Oh you'd be surprised," Joel said with a chuckle, and then Tommy was hugging him, a good long fierce hug and _damn_ was it good to lay eyes on him again. "How you been, baby brother?"

Maria nodded a hello to him and then turned to greet Ellie with a hug, Joel was pleased to see. Ellie was smiling and she seemed genuinely happy to see Maria. They had the rapport of old friends even though they'd spent all of, what, an hour together all those months ago? Joel felt a surge of gratitude for his brother and sister-in-law, and for whatever gods or powers-that-be or stroke of fucking _luck_ that smiled down on him and Ellie this day - a day that nearly ended so very differently.


	2. Home Sweet Home

There was the unspoken question hanging in the air that Joel knew would need to be addressed, but Tommy seemed to realize Joel wasn't up for that just yet, and hell, his brother was so sensitive he could probably tell things were a little off between him and Ellie too. So the plan was to bring him and Ellie over to their house for dinner ("Good, cuz I'm _staaaaaaarving!_ " Ellie announced with dramatic flair, and Joel couldn't deny that he was mighty hungry himself) and then get them settled in a house of their own. Tommy and Maria had company that evening - as was typically the case, it turned out; Tommy really was creating a strong community, a fellowship. Joel knew Tommy wouldn't ask him uncomfortable questions about the Fireflies in front of others, and he and Ellie could deflect the townsfolk's queries about their lives with a polite but firm "It's a long story" or "We'll get into that another time."

Tommy and Maria's house was rather large, for just the two of them. But inside, it was evident that the space was put to good use; there were kids playing in the front room, there were a couple people seated at the dining table, and Joel was pretty sure he heard snoring coming from upstairs. Some girl was babysitting the stove while Tommy and Maria had run out, and when they came in she called the kids over and began doling out bowls of stew – which smelled _divine_. Joel and Ellie unloaded their gear in a corner of the dining area. Joel was well aware of all the eyes on them, and realized they must seem quite an odd pair, this middle-aged dude and a teenage girl loaded up with more weapons than they'd likely ever laid eyes on in one place. Joel figured if he looked scary, Ellie countered it with her… Ellie-ness.

The young woman at the stove was Chelsea, and she was there with her brother, Buster, ( _Buster_? Maybe he heard that one wrong) and mother, Trixie. The five kids were Stephen, Arya, Kyle, Kirsten, and Megan. Two other mothers were there – Billie and Kitty – and three of the five kids were theirs, the other two were hanging out with Tommy and Maria while their mom was on guard duty along the perimeter. Joel had forgotten which kids belonged to whom approximately ten seconds after they were introduced, and the names were on their way out of his head too. The thought of remembering everyone's names – two hundred people?! – and who they were and what they did exhausted him in a different way than he was used to. Throughout dinner, he snuck sidelong glances at Ellie to see what she made of all this… she was mostly unreadable, quietly scarfing down her dinner and not trying to engage in any conversation. Maria did a good job of steering things out of dangerous territory when needed, and it was mostly a pleasant meal. Joel couldn't remember the last time he'd sat around a dinner table like that. It unnerved him a bit, being around so many people, but the atmosphere was convivial and he could get why Tommy liked to have folks over. Tommy always was the more sociable brother.

Maria offered them seconds, which they gladly accepted. Ellie probably could have gone for thirds if there'd been any left over. It was a meager meal by old standards, before the outbreak, when gluttony was affordable… but now? It was a veritable feast. And they had _milk_. Straight off the farm. Incredible. They also had plumbing! Most of the time. Like with the electricity, issues would arise at times that would shut down the whole works. Since it was almost summer now they hopefully wouldn't have to deal with freezing pipes for a while, at least.

After a little more polite chitchat, Tommy offered to show them to their new house. Ellie perked up a little at that. She'd probably never even lived in a real house. As they geared up to leave, Maria gave them each a sack of toiletries and a few articles of clothing, with the promise of more to come tomorrow. Joel looked inside his sack. Toothpaste? A new toothbrush? Deodorant? Even shampoo! It was overwhelming, being given these 'essentials' that they'd seen very little of in the past year. "Thank you," he managed, echoed by Ellie, who also seemed a little emotional over this.

"You're welcome," Maria replied, smiling warmly at each of them. "It's no problem. Every month we trade with the soldiers at a garrison a little ways from here. Not sure where they get all this stuff from, and it's not like there's an unlimited supply… we run short sometimes… but it's a pretty good deal all the way around. They can't get food like ours from raiding – at least not more than once - so they pretty much let us do our own thing out here and don't give us any trouble."

Joel snorted. He couldn't remember the last time he saw a soldier he didn't need to kill.

Tommy seemed to read his mind. "Yeah, I know. They ain't _all_ bad. Come on, let's get you home." Tommy thrust some blankets into Joel's arms and he carried a crate full of more supplies; Joel didn't get a look at them, but he doubted it would be anything he'd seen since Boston.

They'd barely gone fifty feet from the house when Ellie stopped them and addressed Tommy, with that expression she gets on her face when she's being earnest. "Thank you so much for all this. Joel's your family but… I'm not, and you still… you guys are awesome. Whatever you want me to do to help around here I'll do it. I'll join your militia."

Joel laughed. "Like hell you will. It's adults only. You won't need to use your guns no more."

Ellie started to protest, citing her excellent skills, but Tommy cut her off. "Joel's right – it's adults only. We'll find you some better stuff to do, like helping out down on the farm or somethin'. And pssshhhh, what'd you expect me to do, take Joel in and send you out there on your own? Don't make no sense when we're tryin' to _grow_ the town, see. You are just as welcome here as Joel. If not more so."

"You're lucky my hands are full," Joel growled good-naturedly. Ellie laughed at the banter between them, and that sound was like music to his ears. _She's going to be happy here. If she can just accept the damn lie…_

They continued walking through town and Tommy filled their heads with more trivia about the locals. It was dark now, but the streetlamps provided enough light that they didn't need their flashlights. Joel could feel more eyeballs on them, from faces in the windows and strangers in their yards or on the street. Tommy knew them all, of course, and greeted them all by name, but to Joel's relief, he did not stop to introduce them to anyone, remarking to Joel that they'd have time for all that later.

They reached what appeared to be the edge of town, and Tommy switched on a flashlight then. "Now, Joel…" he began tentatively. _Fuck. I knew the peace couldn't last forever._

"What, Tommy?" Joel braced himself. And why the hell were they walking out into the forest?

"When I told you there was a place for you here… well, after you left last time, I found just that. An actual _place_ for you, that I knew you would like. It's off the beaten path, it's small but in good repair, there's a porch, even… there it is up ahead." Tommy shined his flashlight on the door. "Thing is, I thought you'd be leavin' Ellie to live with the Fireflies. I didn't take into account that you'd need more space. Just so you know, we have plenty of houses on the north side, and some in this area that are vacant, now… some of 'em might need a little fixin' up… I reckon you can pick one out tomorrow that's more suitable."

Joel chuckled. "Tommy, what the fuck are you on about? Me'n'Ellie don' need much space. A roof over our head will do just fine. Right, Ellie?"

"Fuck yeah! This looks _amazing_!" Not that they could even see it. Ellie could barely wait for Tommy to get the door open and switch on a light. She bounced in right after him and took it all in with her mouth agape. "Whoa…"

Joel shuffled in behind them, and he wasn't sure he wanted to take his eyes off Ellie long enough to look around. The wonder on her face… you would think Tommy had just led them into some big-ass ostentatious palace. _Can't deny that view._ He dumped the blankets unceremoniously on the floor, next to her backpack which had been dropped with similar haste, and watched her explore. He had to laugh when she got down on the floor to check underneath the couch. "Let me know if you find any ammo or things we can craft shit with," he teased.

She scrambled to her feet to punch his arm. "Shut up. I'm just checking out our new _home_ , what's wrong with that?" And off she went to open all the kitchen cabinets.

"Nothin'," said Joel. He noticed that Tommy was amused by her enthusiasm too. "I think she likes it, baby brother."

The place _was_ very small, but it was clean and tidy and the wood wasn't rotted out anywhere. The electricity worked, the water worked. Not much evidence of water damage (and Joel could fix the questionable spots). The 'big' room was sort of a living room/dining room/kitchen all in one. There was a beat-up couch, an end table with a lamp on it, a clock on the wall, a desk, a dining table with a hanging lamp over it, two dining chairs…one could double as the desk chair, a _working refrigerator_ – into which Tommy was unpacking some of the crate's contents – a stove, an oven, and even a toaster (which Joel hoped meant _bread_ ). A very short hallway led to two more rooms: a bathroom on the left and a bedroom on the right. One bedroom… now it dawned on Joel what Tommy was getting at before.

The only thing in the bedroom was a dirty old ripped-up queen-sized mattress on the floor. Ellie looked at it…didn't seem bothered by it. Or, by it being the only bed to speak of, rather.

"I'll sleep on the couch," Joel announced. Ellie opened her mouth to protest but Joel shushed her with a Look. "This place is perfect, Tommy. We don' need to go house-shoppin' in town tomorrow. You were right, I like havin' some space around me… away from nosy neighbors and such. Thank you."

Tommy nodded. "Sure thing. If you want somethin' bigger later on we'll work it out. I'll see about gettin' a proper bed for you, Ellie."

Ellie looked pained. "No, don't go to any trouble, I totally do _not_ care and like Joel said – this place is perfect!" She flung her arms around Tommy, who chuckled in surprise.

"All right then. I'll leave you two to settle in. Joel, lock me out. The doors all have bolts, but hardly anyone has keys so most folks leave their doors unlocked when they're out. We've got some keys in the 'warehouse' but no one knows what goes to what. Ain't been a problem so far…" Tommy paused a moment to let Joel grumble about that. "But! I knew that wasn' gonna fly with you, with all your guns'n'shit, and one thing I liked about this place is that we _do_ have a key – it's in that desk drawer. Just one key, so you'n'Ellie'll have to figure somethin' out, hide it under a rock or whatever. Anyway, come on over tomorrow and we'll talk, all right? If I ain't home I'll make sure there's someone at the house who knows where I'm at. Good night."

"Good night, thanks again." He clapped Tommy on the back, and then bolted the door.

The second Tommy left, Ellie piped up with the protests Joel had silenced in front of his brother. "Joel, you're not sleeping on the couch. This is meant to be _your_ house, your bedroom. You're sleeping in there."

Joel sighed. "I may not be much of a gentleman, but no way am I sleepin' in there while you're out here on the couch."

Ellie snorted. "I didn't say that. I said you're not sleeping on the couch. There's plenty of room on that mattress for both of us."


	3. Safe

Joel was sitting on the ratty old couch, a sulky Ellie sitting beside him. He thought maybe after all those months out on the road stuck with his ass she'd be glad to have her own room.  _Well, now, that would just be too easy, wouldn't it._

"The bed is plenty big enough for both of us," Ellie repeated the point. "We've slept in tight quarters before. I slept right by your side the whole time you were sick!"

Was she playing the guilt card? Joel sighed. He had a feeling he'd be sighing a lot before this conversation was over. "That has nothing to do with this. We had no choice then. I needed you close to me to keep you safe. And… yeah, same for you, keepin' me safe last winter." Definitely Joel's least favorite time of the past year. Not so much for being hurt, but for the burden it placed on poor Ellie. The damage it did to her. While he laid there on his ass not doing a goddamn thing except worrying her. "That was different. We're safe here, and I won't be far away, I'll be right here in this room. You'll still hear me snorin' and all." He poked her in the ribs playfully.

But Ellie was having none of it. "You can't sleep out here. I mean…I don't want you to. Like you said, we're a package deal. I want you with me. I need to make sure you're okay and… really the only time I feel safe is when you're  _with_  me."

"I  _will_  be, just out here – you can leave the door open if you want, you can call out to me if you need anything and I'll hear you." Why couldn't she just do what he said? Maybe that consideration only applied in life-threatening situations. If then, even. "Ellie, it ain't proper for a grown man and a teenage girl to sleep in the same bed."

Ellie groaned. "Why not?! Jesus, Joel – it's  _you_. It's not like you're some pervert. It's you and me. How can it be wrong?" She looked up at him plaintively.

Joel sighed, exasperated. Ellie had pretty good street smarts, and he'd rather have her beside him in a fight than most grown men out there, but in some ways she was so damn innocent. He wasn't about to get into the gory details of  _why_  it was inappropriate. "It just is. We're in civilization now. The rules are different."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Since when do you give a fuck about rules?"

She had a point there. But he couldn't let her win this one. Better to cease fire. "Ellie, we're sleepin' in separate rooms and that's final." And with that conclusive declaration, he got up and pretended he needed to rifle through some shit in his backpack on the floor.

Naturally, Ellie followed him and planted herself on the floor next to him. Stubborn girl. He didn't look at her, he just examined some random firearm parts from his pack like he'd never seen them before. "Look," she said finally, her tone gentler now. "I don't mean to be a pain in the ass, or like… a  _wuss_ , or anything, but…what about my nightmares?"

Now he looked at her. Her eyes were shiny with tears he knew she would not shed – she never really cried, usually; she was a tough kid, his Ellie. As for being a wuss? Pffft. There wasn't a wussy bone in her body.

"Oh baby girl." He sighed, slumped down on the floor, and took her hand in his. Part of him wanted to give in and assure her he'd sleep beside her if she wanted him to, but if he was going to be a father figure to her, he had to consider what would be best for her in the long run. Hell, the fact that he  _wasn't_  her father made it creepier for him to sleep in her bed, in a way. He wasn't her parent; he had no real authority over her – a matter they hadn't discussed, it was just understood that they were father/daughter now. At least, that's what Joel assumed… Ellie probably didn't even know what it meant to have a dad. Maybe they should talk about that. Some time when he wasn't so damn tired. "I think when you get settled in here and realize you're safe, you'll stop having the nightmares."

At least, that's what he hoped. Never mind that he still had nightmares about Sarah after all these years. Ellie hadn't really had many nightmares to speak of before that fucker David messed with her. Now, she had them just about every night. Joel had heard of PTSD, and figured Ellie probably had it. He just had no fucking clue how to fix it. Granted, most of the remaining population was fucked up in some way, but Ellie… she wasn't most people. Her reactions to the world were full of child-like wonder. But now, she didn't whistle or hum her strange little tunes. She didn't yammer his ear off or ask him all kinds of questions. Shit that used to annoy him. Funny how he'd come to miss those things. There was such a distinct 'before' and 'after' aspect of her personality now. Joel made a mental note to see what the town's library had on the subject. Maybe he'd even find something that told him it was perfectly fine to sleep in a teenage girl's bed under certain circumstances. Right. "Look. I'll be  _right here_. I'll hear you. If you call me, I'll come to you, I swear. Okay?"

Ellie was quiet for a long moment. Finally she mumbled "okay." And for the second time today, he wasn't at all convinced by it.

 

* * *

 

 

A short while later, Joel stretched out under a blanket on the lumpy couch (he had a feeling he'd end up preferring the floor before too long) and sighed again, this time with relative contentment. He was completely wiped. Ellie was too, and Joel hoped that the exhaustion plus the fact that they'd had a good night – a meal with family, no Infected or hunters or anything to worry about – would keep her nightmares at bay.

Joel tossed and turned for a while, trying to find a position comfortable enough to induce sleep. He gave up on the couch and opted for the floor, figuring the familiarity of a hard surface would do the trick. The door had a good solid bolt on it, the perimeter was guarded, and he had el Diablo within arm's length by the wall. Ellie had her pistol in her room. Even though they were safe here, it was still a foreign place, and the guns were security blankets. He'd grown accustomed to sleeping in strange places: in abandoned cars, under bridges, in some place that had a roof if they were lucky. Usually he had little trouble falling asleep, weary from the grueling pace they kept - although he did sleep lightly, with the proverbial 'one eye open.' Maybe now he'd be able to sleep soundly.

But not just yet. He needed to make sure Ellie was okay. She had indeed kept the door open, so he had no doubt he'd hear her if she cried out. Was she asleep? He was too far away to hear her slow, even breathing. Maybe that's why he couldn't fall asleep; it did feel strange not to have her beside him. Maybe he should sleep on the floor next to the mattress. There was room to squeeze in there.  _Just in case she needs me_ , he justified it to himself. Maybe Joel could wean her off of sleeping near him in baby steps. He should have thought of that before! He gathered the blanket and quietly crawled across the floor. Slowly he crept into her room… she definitely was not asleep.

The room was dimly lit by moonlight and Joel was grateful for that. With no street lamps out here by their secluded house, the room would have been pitch black otherwise. He wondered if he should see about getting her some kind of night light, or if that would make her feel like a baby. He figured it would probably help, if she woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, to immediately recognize that she was in a safe place. "Ellie?" he whispered.

She didn't answer him. He  _knew_  she wasn't asleep.

"Ellie, are you all right?" he tried again.

"Yeah. I'm okay." Her voice didn't waver, but to Joel it still seemed like she was merely putting up a brave front. She was facing away from him, towards the wall. Maybe she was pissed off at him?

 _You wanted to know if she was okay, and she's okay. Now go to sleep, you asshole._ But… she just didn't sound quite right. He crawled up on the mattress next to her and realized she was trembling slightly. "No, you're not. What's wrong? Are you afraid?"

Ellie was silent for a long moment. When she spoke, it was so softly that Joel had to strain to hear her. "Just… I see him. He's here. I know he's dead, he's not really here, but it feels like… like he's waiting for me to fall asleep so he can come get me. I'm sorry, Joel. I know I should be stronger. I'm trying, I swear. It happened so long ago, I should be over it… I don't know what's wrong with me." Her voice cracked and Joel's heart broke a little.

"It wasn't that long ago," he said gently. He wished the fucker  _was_  actually here so he could beat him to within an inch of his life, over and over, while he begged Joel for mercy, which of course Joel would deny him. Oh he'd had himself some good long fantasies about torturing the asshole. That was the only way he knew how to deal with… with  _this_. "And you  _are_  strong. You're the strongest person I know." He scooted forward, his torso against her back, and began tenderly stroking her hair. "I'm here. I'll stay here all night if you want me to. All that shit I said before? Fuck it. If you want me to sleep in here I will."

Joel could feel her relaxing already. "Thank you," she whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Sssshhhh. Ain't nothin' to apologize for. You do know you're safe now, yeah? I'm never gonna let anyone hurt you ever again." A lofty promise, perhaps, but Joel meant it. And she seemed to believe it. Knowing that she trusted him so much gave him a warm feeling inside… but not like the kind you get from a bottle of Scotch. It was almost like…  _No. It ain't like that._ "Now get some sleep. Good night, baby girl." He kissed the top of her head.

"Good night, Joel." She was as limp as a rag doll now. Joel relaxed as well. They'd both be asleep within minutes. Apparently the sleep-inducing position he'd been seeking was to be wrapped around Ellie. It was a mildly disturbing thought so he shoved it away.  _I'm just worried about her, that's all. She's been through so much. Too damn much._


	4. The Elephant in the Room

The Firefly fiasco needed to be addressed sooner rather than later.  Tommy was relatively patient –- compared to Joel, at any rate -- but Joel knew he would still demand an explanation at some point in the not-so-distant future, and his baby brother would never swallow the bullshit he’d fed Ellie.  Joel had to tell him the truth, and hope like hell that Tommy would see things the same way he did.  If that wasn’t the case… well, it was better to pack up Ellie and leave now before she got used to having a home.  He also couldn’t risk Tommy asking Ellie about it and unraveling the lie.

Since Joel and Ellie had both insisted they didn’t need time to rest, the guys had set out to get Joel acquainted with the construction work of the town while the girls headed down to one of the farms, where Ellie would spend the day.  Joel knew he and Ellie couldn’t be together 24/7 anymore… and he also knew it was going to take some getting used to; pretty much any time they’d been apart in the past eleven months was time Joel had spent desperately trying to either find Ellie or get back to her (other than when he was injured, of course, but he didn’t count that).  

If Ellie had had any qualms about leaving him today, she didn’t show it.  Joel had watched her go with a pang in his heart.  _She’ll be just fine.  We’re safe now._ Besides, she had the 9-millimeter with her.  As a general rule, people didn’t go walking around town armed, but Tommy had graciously allowed them to carry one small gun each, just until they ‘felt safe’ – and Joel hadn’t argued with him, but he knew it would be a cold day in hell if he ever felt that safe around strangers again.  Tommy had informed him last night that this was a non-violent community (and he’d seen fit to remind Joel of that several times already).  Any issues or concerns needed to be taken to either Tommy or Maria.  Joel had no intention of being such a wimp that he had to go tattle to his baby brother to fix his problems.  Fuck that!  But he didn’t argue that point either.  There were more pressing matters to discuss.

Now he was seated at a dining table in some random unoccupied house not far from Tommy and Maria’s, and his brother sat across from him, like they were about to engage in civilized conversation.  The construction could wait; why bother learning the ropes if he’d be leaving?  Tommy whipped out his walkie talkie and announced that he’d be going offline, and where he was at.  Maria acknowledged him and he switched it off.  Joel snorted.  “You gotta check in with the missus every ten minutes?”

“Of course not.  It’s a courtesy since I won’t be on the walkie… and it’s not just Maria, it’s the guards too.  I’m important here, Joel,” he added teasingly.  Joel wondered if Tommy wanted Maria to know where he was in case something went down between them here.  He couldn’t blame him; the tension was palpable.  Tommy looked at him appraisingly.  “Now why don’t you tell me what the hell happened?  ‘Cause you’re actin’ like somethin’ went wrong. And where’s my horse?  I take it you found the Fireflies?”

“We did,” Joel replied, ignoring the question about Callus.  “Ellie nearly drowned in this flooded tunnel, I was tryin’ to revive her and one of ‘em came over an’ knocked me out while I was doin’ CPR.”  No -- this wasn’t where he wanted to start his tale.  Tommy needed to know about Ellie’s heroics in Colorado.  “But before that… at the university.  No Fireflies there, but some survivors showed up while we were searchin’ the lab.  One of ‘em fought with me on a balcony and we wen’ over…I impaled myself on a rebar.”  Joel stood and lifted up his shirt enough for Tommy to see the scar.

Tommy let out a low whistle.  “Holy shit.  How did that not kill you?”

“Guess it missed all my organs.  Ellie stitched me up, see,” Joel said proudly, lightly running his fingers over her handiwork, then sat down.  “It hurt like a motherfucker, though.  I couldn’ walk… I was so woozy I couldn’ even sit on the horse for long, I blacked out an’ fell off.  Poor Ellie had to shoot the rest of the men herself so we could get outta there, find shelter.”

“Wait – you couldn’t even ride the horse?  How did Ellie move your ass?  She’s just a _little_ thing.”

“She hitched up somethin’ to the back of the horse so it could pull me.  She’s real resourceful, that kid.”  Joel smiled a little before continuing.  “The wound got infected – regular infected, not _infected_ -infected, ‘course – and I was sick as a dog for a long time.”  He combined his fuzzy memories of those days with what Ellie had told him afterwards to paint as complete a picture of their winter survival as he could for Tommy... minus the whole David part.  Joel figured Tommy didn’t need to know about how he’d tortured those two assholes to find out where David was holding Ellie, and what state she’d been in when he finally did find her.

His brother looked impressed.  “Damn.  You are one lucky son’f’a’bitch.  That girl sure is somethin’.”

Joel agreed.  “I should have died back there.  I owe her my life, Tommy.”  He paused to let that sink in. _You just remember that in a little bit, baby brother._

Tommy didn’t stay on pause for long.  “Well, go on, then, how did y’all find the Fireflies?”

“There was a recorder in the lab that told us where they’d gone to so we set off to… to there, to a hospital…”  If there was even a small chance that Tommy might try to take Ellie back to the Fireflies – and an even slighter chance that he could actually do so without Joel stopping him – Joel sure wasn’t going to give him any help finding them.  Not that Ellie couldn’t tell him herself… but Joel couldn’t think about that now.  He was starting to feel antsy; his leg began to jerk a little.  “So like I said, Ellie nearly drowned – she can’t swim.  That soldier hit me an’ I woke up in a hospital bed.  I asked to see Ellie… they told me not to worry, she wasn’ my concern no more.”

Tommy chuckled.  “But you worried.  Ohhh how things have changed!  Last time you were here you couldn’t wait to foist that girl off on me.”

Joel was annoyed that Tommy felt the need to bring that up.  It hadn’t been one of Joel’s finer moments.  “I changed my mind, though, didn’ I?”

“Yep.  Somethin’ tells me even if you hadn’t changed it when you did, you’da been huntin’ us down within a day’s time.”

Joel frowned.  He’d been thinking the same thing at the time, and he didn’t like the idea of possibly having to do it in the near future.  He _had_ to get Tommy on his side here. 

And now for the hard part.  Joel just couldn’t sit still anymore.  He got up and started pacing.  “So I asked them to let me see her, and they said I couldn’t.”  Should he tell Tommy about Marlene?  He was bound to ask if she’d been there.  _Fuck it. Cards on the table._ “Marlene was there.  She said Ellie was bein’ prepped for surgery… she said the Cordyceps had spread in Ellie’s body and they had to remove it to make the vaccine.”

“Remove it?  You mean…”

“Right.”  Joel stopped pacing right in front of Tommy and looked him in the eye.  “They were gonna _kill_ her, Tommy.  For somethin’ that might not even work!”

Tommy stared back at him.  “Jesus… well obviously, they didn’t kill her,” he said slowly.  Joel could visualize the puzzle pieces coming together in his brother’s head.

“I couldn’t let them!”  He glared at Tommy, silently challenging him to disagree.  He didn’t mean to sound angry but… well, he _was_ angry.  At the Fireflies… at the whole fucked-up mess.  “I did what I had to do.”

Now Tommy stood up and returned the glare.  He was close enough that Joel backed up a couple steps.  “Which was… what, exactly?  You… convinced them not to do it?”

Joel said nothing and looked away.  Tommy had surely suspected he hadn’t diplomatically negotiated with those fuckers, and the truth was now obvious.

“What the fuck, Joel!  Marlene too?”

“I had no choice!”

“Bullshit!  You coulda walked away!”

“And leave her to die?!”

“That’s right!  Maybe they coulda jus’… extracted some of it and _not_ have to kill her--”

“No – that wasn’t their plan.  There were recordings, Tommy – they said they had to kill her!  _Marlene_ said they had to!”

“Alright then – so they kill her and make a vaccine and save the world!  Instead, _you_ kill fuck knows how many people, for what?!”

“For Ellie!”

“That’s tradin’ all those Fireflies’ lives for one life – no, _shitloads_ of lives, for Chrissake!”

“I don’ give a fuck about that—“

“Clearly!”

“Ellie’s worth more’n all of ‘em put together!”

“To _you_!  Fuck, how could you be so goddamn selfish?!”

“I’m not!  I did it for her!”

“You did it for yourself!”

“Damn it, Tommy – “ Joel was clenching and unclenching his fists; it took real effort to not punch the table, maybe the wall… knock a chair over… _some_ kind of outlet for his frustration.  It was a minor miracle this hadn’t come to blows yet, really – Tommy was mighty angry himself.  Joel tried to calm himself down by taking a deep breath, leaning on the table.  “Do you really think it’s right to kill an innocent girl?  For some _experiment_?”

“Shoot.  You woulda done the same thing even if it was _guaranteed_ to be the cure.  Goddamnit, Joel!”  Now Tommy was pacing too, running his hands through his hair… probably weighing his options.

“Tommy, if it had been Maria instead of Ellie—“

“Oh don’t you turn this around on me – Ellie’s not even related to you!”

“That don’ matter.  Don’t you see?  It’s wrong to kill an innocent girl – she’s just a kid, for fuck’s sake—“

“What did Ellie say about all this?”

Joel went silent again.

“She doesn’t _know_?”

“They didn’ even ask her.  And no I didn’t tell her.  I can’t do that to her.  I can’t.”

“Jesus Christ!  Who the hell are you to be makin’ all these decisions?  Where do you get off playing God with everyone’s lives?!”

“I’m not ‘playing God,’ I’m jus’ –“

“You decided that what you want is more important than what anyone else wants.  Just like you always have!”

“That is not even—“ Joel gritted his teeth and stifled a scream of bloody murder, emitting a weird strangled sound instead.  This was not going well at all.  Why did Tommy have to dredge up old shit?  Before he could articulate a proper response, a soft rustling noise from the next room caught his attention.  “Did you hear that?”

Without waiting for an answer, he hurried over to the window in the living room – it was open.  It had been fucking open this whole time?!  He looked out and didn’t see anyone in the immediate vicinity.  Maybe it had just been the wind.  They’d certainly been yelling enough to attract attention, though.  He shut the window.  “ _Fuck._ ”

Tommy had followed him.  “I shoulda checked the place before we started talkin’,” he muttered.

“I shoulda checked too,” said Joel with a sigh.  “I’m gonna check the other windows real quick.  Don’ go nowhere.”

Tommy chuckled mirthlessly.  “Where would I go?  To find Ellie an’ have us a little talk?  Go find some Fireflies, maybe?”

Joel didn’t dignify that with a response.  When he felt confident that the house’s privacy was secured, he returned to find Tommy sitting at the dining table again.  Joel joined him, and they regarded each other silently for a moment.  Joel leaned forward on his forearms and looked at his brother beseechingly.  “Tommy, you gotta understand.  I would do _anything_ for my family.”

“Ellie ain’t—“

“Ellie is family,” Joel said matter-of-factly.  “She _is_.  That girl has done more for me than… I don’ mean jus’ the injury.  She’s made me… I’m _different_ now.  You know how much of an asshole I was.”

“You’re still an asshole.”

Joel couldn’t really deny that.  “Not the same as I was.  And it’s because of her.  Without her I’d be… I don’ even know.”  Except he did know; he’d known since the second it dawned on him that Ellie was going to die there.  Tommy was looking at him skeptically.  Didn’t he fucking _get_ it?  “If that girl dies, _I_ die.  That’s all there is to it.”

Tommy’s expression softened a little.  “You may feel that way now, but in time…”

Joel shook his head.  “I fuckin’ _know_ it, as much as I know anything.  If I hadn’ been able to save her I woulda blown my brains out right there.”

“Goddamnit, Joel, don’t say shit like that!”  Tommy implored, sounding angry again.

“It’s the truth,” Joel said simply.  “So what?  You prob’ly wanna kill me now anyway.”

“Jus’ because I wanna kill you don’ mean I want you dead!”

Joel quirked an eyebrow at that, then smirked.  He leaned back a bit.  “Uh…how does that work, exactly?”  His grin infected Tommy and suddenly they were both laughing – which was fucking ridiculous, and inexplicable.  The laughter died out in a few moments but it had dispelled some of the tension.  “Tommy, listen.  I know you’n’me, we see things different ways.  I know you would rather do the noble thing, sacrifice one life in the name of saving this shitty world… but in the end when it came down to it, if it’d been you in my shoes I don’ think you woulda done it any different.  We’ll never know ‘cause you weren’t there.  So I don’ expect you to agree with my poin’ of view.  I’m jus’ askin’ you to respect it.  Respect the decision I made.  She’s only a kid.  She deserves a normal life.  Not a life where… a life that she thinks she shouldn’ be livin’, like she’s shirkin’ her duty to the human race or some shit.”

Joel saw Tommy considering these words and felt hopeful that he’d found the right angle.  Tommy didn’t say anything, though, so Joel continued.  “If you can’t do this… if you can’t look the other way, an’ let Ellie believe what she believes, then I’m askin’ you to please let me know now, so we can clear outta here.  I need your word that you won’t tell Ellie, an’ you won’t try to take her back there.”

Tommy chewed on that for a minute.  “So… what does she believe happened?”

Joel recited the lie…watched his brother cringe at the absurdity of it.  “It was the best I could come up with, okay?” he said defensively.  “For all we know there _could_ be dozens of immune out there.”

“But wouldn’ Ellie expect that you’d at least wait for her to wake up before leavin’?  Let her decide if she wants to stick around an’ try to be useful to ‘em?”

“I don’ know… I s’pose…” Joel hoped she didn’t spend any time thinking about any part of the ordeal at all.  He wasn’t about to admit to Tommy that he suspected Ellie didn’t believe the story anyway.  “I pretty much told her to not dwell on the past, what’s done is done, we’re startin’ over now an’ all that matters is the future.  So can you give me your word, or not?”

Tommy was pissed at him, sure, but he’d been pissed at him plenty of times in the past, and Joel had never known him to renege on a promise.  His little brother had honor and morals and all that crap.  And in whatever ways Tommy may have evolved in the years since they’d last known each other, Joel was willing to bet that that part of his character remained intact.  He hadn’t witnessed anything here in Jackson so far that would lead him to believe that Tommy had become a less honorable man.  Now Tommy seemed to be completely exasperated with him.  “I don’ know, Joel.  I really don’t.”

“Damnit, Tommy, that ain’t good enough!”

“I need to think.  You come here an’ lay all this heavy shit on me and I’m s’posed to know what to do about it in five minutes?”

“Yeah, somethin’ like that.”  Joel wanted to tell Tommy he _owed_ him this much, given all that Joel had done for him after the outbreak, but that argument hadn’t worked so well last time.  Then something else occurred to him:  Maria!  She was fond of Ellie.  Maybe fond enough to convince Tommy to do the right thing here. “Alright, how ‘bout this:  you talk it over with your wife, let me know tonight after dinner.  But no one else can know about Ellie’s immunity.  It’s nobody else’s business an’ I don’ want her treated like some freak, or… worse.”

Tommy nodded.  “I can do that.  I agree, no one else needs to know.  And I _can_ promise you that I won’t drag Ellie off on another little crusade.  That ain’t the issue for me.  The issue is whether or not to tell her the truth.  If she knows, and wants to go back to the Fireflies…”

“They’re dead.”  _Well, most of them.  I couldn’t get the ones chasing us to the exit._

“You did not singlehandedly kill every Firefly in this country, Joel,” Tommy said, snickering a little.  “Though I wouldn’ put it past you.  You may have cut off the head of the snake, but there’ll be another one in its place soon enough.  Another Marlene.  Damn, I can’t believe you fuckin’ killed her…”

“Had no choice.”  _She deserved it more than any of the others, the heartless traitor._

“Whatever.  Say Ellie wants to leave.  Would you help her find her way back to them?”

“Oh hell no.  I wouldn’ let her leave here on her own neither.”  What a dumbass question.  Tommy may just as well have asked if Joel would help Ellie go kill herself.

“No?  You have no say over her.  If she wants to go—“

“She’s a kid.  Sometimes kids need adults to make decisions for them, ‘cause they’re not experienced enough to do what’s in their own best interest.  That’s what parents are for.”

“You’re not her parent!”

Joel sighed.  “I’m the closest thing she’s got.  Legally, no, I am not her parent, but ‘ _legal_ ’ don’ mean shit no more, and it hasn’t for a long time.”

“Fine.  Say you forbid her to leave on her own, and she obeys. What if she asks me to go with her?”

That one sent a ripple of pain to his heart.  Would his brother actually defy his wishes so brazenly, and take away the person who meant the most to him in this world? “I would hope you’d tell her no,” he said quietly.

“She might hate you for all this, you know.  That’s the real reason you don’t want her to know, isn’ it.” Tommy didn’t even pose that as a question.

“No, of course not,” Joel snapped reflexively.  Truth be told, yes, it had crossed his mind that she’d hate him.  Maybe for a little while, maybe a little longer… maybe forever.  He could live with that, if need be.  It would be awful, but he could do it.  What he couldn’t live with was her sacrificing her life, and he was terrified that that’s exactly what she would want to do.  _“It’s what she’d want… and you know it.”_   The fact that she was still alive…still bringing light to the world, even if he didn’t get to experience it personally… that would have to be enough for him.  He could still hold out hope that she could find it in her heart to forgive him someday.  All of this would be moot if Tommy could keep his damn mouth shut anyway… and if Ellie didn’t question the story, ever… Right now he was feeling pretty fucking done with this conversation.  “Look, jus’… you go talk to Maria, and let me know – discreetly – when you can.  In the meantime… you got anythin’ I can pound a hammer on or somethin’?”

“Yeah.”  Tommy looked at him with… Joel wasn’t sure what it was, in that look of his.  Disappointment?  Pity?  At least he didn’t seem angry now.  Tommy headed for the door.  “Come on.  Got some guys workin’ on a roof, I’m sure they could use an extra hand.”

Joel followed him out.  If his first day in Jackson was also to be his last, he reckoned it was better to spend it busy working on something physical.  Anything was better than sitting around either agonizing over shit he couldn’t control…or missing Ellie like hell.


	5. A New Friend

Ellie had never been on a real farm before.  All these animals were roaming around, unafraid, just going about their business of grazing or lounging in the sun.  Jackson had three large farms that sort of rolled together into one gigantic farmland.  Maria led her to the property closest to Joel’s house.  From the entrance, they walked for ages, passing pens that housed various animals -- goats, pigs, cows, horses, sheep -- before they even saw a human being.  Ellie soaked it all up in awe.  Maria introduced her to the first girl they saw, near a barn…a girl who did not look like anyone Ellie had ever met in her life.  She was a vision straight out of a textbook back in school of, what was it… the Amish?  Quackers?  Her name was Annie.  She had long dark-blonde hair tied in a braid hanging down her back, big brown eyes, a smattering of freckles on her nose.  That was all fine, it was her clothing that stood out.  She wore a light blue dress with poofy sleeves and a long-ass skirt (how could the girl _run_ in that thing?), with a matching hat… what was it called… it was the kind that ties with a ribbon under your chin.  Ellie wouldn’t be caught dead in something so girly.  Yet for all its girliness, the outfit wasn’t frilly or fancy; in fact, it was dirty in places.  Mostly on the apron that covered a great deal of the front.  She also wore black rubber boots, which didn’t exactly match the dress but at least looked sensible for farming.

Maria gave Annie a very brief explanation for Ellie’s presence, and Annie agreed to show Ellie how to do some farming chores -- also to go riding with her that afternoon.  Maria thanked the girl and turned to Ellie.  “Will you be alright here?  You don’t have to stay the whole day, if you can’t… if you get tired, or…”

 _Or what?_ “Yeah, I’ll be fine.  Sounds great.”

“Okay then.  See you at dinner,” Maria said with a smile.  “You know, you’re always welcome at our house.  Come over whenever you’d like.”

Maria was _so_ nice.  “Okay,” said Ellie cheerfully.  “Seeya later.”

Annie looked at her curiously as Maria headed back to town.  “So.  Ellie.  You ever work on a farm before?”

“Nope, can’t say that I have.  I’ve never even _been_ on a farm before.  It’s pretty fucking awesome.  Do you live here?”  She _had_ to; none of the people Ellie had seen in town so far dressed like that.  And did she really just flinch at the cuss word?

“Yep, it’s me and my mom and my little brother.  Mom and Will are off helping Farm 1 -- that’s the one furthest west -- plant some crops… asparagus and potatoes… so it’s just me and the animals, for now.  Later you can meet my boyfriend, he’ll come help with the evening chores, him and a few other people.”

Ellie wanted to ask her how she managed to get a boyfriend if she dressed like that, but she didn’t want to be rude.

Annie continued her farm lesson.  “We’ll have time to go riding after lunch.  We’re Farm 3, by the way.  And the middle one, the second one, that’s Farm 2.  …Um, not that you didn’t figure that out, that two would be the one in the middle…” She chuckled and blushed a little.

Ellie realized that the girl was nervous.  What the hell for?  _She_ wasn’t the one alone in a strange new environment.  But… well, meeting new people could be a little scary, that was true.  She smiled kindly at Annie.  “Wasn’t even thinking about it.  So how long have you guys been here?”

“Um… like ten years maybe?  We moved around a lot when I was little, I don’t remember much about the other places… other farms.  For a while we were on a waiting list to get into a quarantine zone, but the zone got ditched and we never got to live there. It’s totally different here the last few years since people started living in town.  We don’t have to worry about getting robbed anymore.  We can actually raise livestock and crops and everything.  Speaking of which…” Annie motioned for Ellie to follow her.  “Come on, let’s go feed the pigs.”

Ellie followed her inside the barn, which was way bigger than Ellie had imagined a barn would be.  “How old are you?”

“Sixteen.  You?” 

 _Same as Riley._   Only Riley would have been seventeen by now, if she wasn’t frozen in time.  “Fifteen.  Are there a lot of teenagers here?”

“Um… like fifteen or twenty?  Is that a lot?”

“Yeah, kinda.  To me it is.”  Ellie paid attention as Annie showed her the ratio of corn and grain to mix up for feed, and explained how and when they dole it out.  How pigs will eat anything, and sometimes she’d throw in garden scraps for them, and…

Annie pushed the wheelbarrow past her and suddenly noticed the gun sticking out the back of Ellie’s jeans.  She stopped in her tracks and frowned. “You don’t need to carry that around, you know… you don’t need it Inside.  And actually you’re not _allowed_ to have it unless you’re going somewhere you’ll use it… which you can’t anyways ‘cause you’re too young.”

Ellie tried not to sound annoyed.  “No, actually Tommy said it was okay.”

The girl looked skeptical.  “Why?”

Ellie shrugged.  “It… makes me feel better to have it?”

“But you’re safe here, you won’t need to use it.  What if it goes off?”

“I’m not an idiot, it won’t just ‘go off.’  And I’m not gonna use it.”

“Then why carry it?”

Ellie wondered if she should try to make her understand.  If it was even possible.  If it was worth the effort.  “I have it so I can kill people if they piss me off,” she said with an evil grin.  “So you might wanna stay on my good side.  Just sayin’.”

Annie’s eyes widened in alarm.  Could she not take a joke or what?  _What would she make of Joel?_   Funny thing was, the joke was probably true in Joel’s case.

Ellie laughed.  “Relax, I’m just kidding!  I’m not gonna shoot you, I promise.”

Annie’s smile was shaky, like maybe she didn’t believe her.  But they got on with the chores… feeding the pigs and fetching them clean water, petting them and playing with the piglets (they were so cute!), replacing their soiled straw bedding, and then loading bales of hay in a wagon to take over to the stables later.  All the while, Ellie was being perfectly friendly -- at least, she felt like she was -- and they were getting along fine… except the girl just couldn’t stop glancing at her fucking gun.  When Annie deemed it lunchtime, they trekked back to Annie’s house, which was much bigger than Joel’s --  even bigger than Tommy and Maria’s.  Ellie took note of the shotgun hanging over the door as she closed it behind her.  “You guys have a gun,” she stated.  _So why the big fuss about mine?_

“Of course we do,” Annie said breezily.  “We have several.  But we keep them in the house, for protection.  We don’t tote them around.”

Didn’t they need to be protected even _more_ when they were _away_ from home?  And so much for being so ‘safe’ in Jackson that guns were unnecessary.  But Ellie dropped it; she didn’t want to hear any more of Annie’s sanctimonious crap anyway.  The girl still seemed to be making a concerted effort not to have her back towards Ellie.  Like the thing might go off and the bullet would defy gravity and magically carom off something and hit her?  Or because at any moment Ellie might go crazy and pull it on her?

Lunch was simply bread (with actual butter!), apples, and milk, but it was quite marvelous to Ellie, who had also eaten breakfast that morning.  Three meals in a row!  “Man.  Is it normal for you guys to have so much food?”

Annie chuckled.  “Yeah, we always have enough.  We don’t eat as much as people did before…back in Mom’s time.  But no one starves.  It’s more likely we’d run out of razors or soap, stuff like that.  From Outside.  How long did it take you guys to get here?  You didn’t bring a lot of food with you?”

“The only food we had is whatever we found along the way.  And… let’s see… maybe a month or two?” Ellie had lost all sense of time out there.  They had stayed in Colorado a long while because Joel had said there was no point trying to travel on foot through God knows how much snow and end up freezing themselves to death in a blizzard, and Ellie was glad about that, mostly because that wound in Joel’s gut worried her.  They only had a few doses of penicillin.  Ellie had thought about trying to find David’s camp, where apparently they had enough medicine that they could spare some, but it would take a while on foot just to get back to where she’d met David, and she wasn’t exactly sure where to go from there.  Plus if she took too long on a ‘hunting trip’, Joel would have come out looking for her instead of resting like he should -- like she’d made him promise ( _that_ had been quite the ordeal… the man was fucking stubborn!).  She really hadn’t been keen on seeing any more of David’s goons either, and Joel was getting better, so in the end, she’d decided against it.  Even after Joel had healed enough to go hunting with her, she hadn’t broached the subject.  She had imagined Joel marching in there, killing everyone in sight… and possibly getting killed himself. 

Before the injury, Ellie had revered Joel as a comic book superhero: indestructible, infallible, one hundred percent guaranteed to take down the bad guys.  Sure, she always felt fearful when they were in a dangerous situation… that was instinct.  But deep down, she had known that they’d come out of it just fine.  SuperJoel would save the day, with a little help from his sidekick WonderEllie.  The wound had suddenly made him mortal in her eyes.  She still believed in his badassness, and being with him made her feel completely safe in a way she’d never felt before.  She just had to acknowledge that he was human… and she couldn’t help worrying about him.

“Ellie?  Are you okay?”

Ellie blinked.  She must have been staring off into space again.  “Yeah.  Sorry.  Actually from where we started it’s been almost a year.”  She took a big bite of her apple and savored the sweet crispiness, the pleasant sensation of the juices in her mouth.

“Oh wow, that’s a long time.  Where are you from?”

“Boston.  It’s waaaaay east of here.”

“And how do you know Tommy’s brother?  Maria says you’re a friend of his?”

“Uh…” _‘Friend’ doesn’t quite cover it. I feel like I’ve known him forever. You wouldn’t understand._ “It’s a long story.  Basically he was supposed to take me somewhere across town, and that didn’t work out so we ended up having to leave and… and Joel wanted to see his brother, so here we are.”

“So you’ll stay here instead of going all the way back home?”

“We can’t go back.”  _I’m infected.  I can’t get into a quarantine zone ever again._ Ellie could just imagine how much Annie would freak out if she told her the whole truth.  “I mean…there’s no reason to.  Neither of us has family there, and this place is pretty awesome.  Why would anyone want to leave?”

Annie nodded.  “I feel the same way.  Now that we have the militia it’s just as good as a quarantine zone.”

Ellie scoffed.  “Are you kidding me?  This is _way_ better than a fucking quarantine zone.  No stupid school, no curfew, there’s fresh air…”

“We have school!” Annie protested.

Maria had told Ellie about their school.  It was basically for younger kids to get proficient at reading and writing and to learn the basics of other subjects like math, science, history, and geography.  Mostly for kids ten and younger, though occasionally some older kids who arrived with deficient skills or knowledge would also attend.  Some would go on to study a particular subject of interest privately.  There were no military drills, minimal homework, and it was only a few hours a day -- plus the kids got to leave it behind every day, they didn’t _live_ there.  “Please.  Your school is nothing like the ones in Boston.”  Annie bristled a little, like maybe she was offended, so Ellie quickly added, “That’s a good thing!  It was shitty back there, trust me.  I mean, I can’t really complain… it was a roof over my head, and food every day, and it was safe from Infected.  I didn’t really appreciate all that ‘til I left it.  But it wasn’t like… _friendly_ there.  Not like here.  Like last night, at Tommy’n’Maria’s, we ate dinner with all these other people, these families, and everyone was talking and laughing and like… they all seemed to care about each other.  It was weird.  I didn’t have to worry about some bully trying to steal my food.”

Annie looked sympathetic.  “Yikes.  Did that happen a lot?”

“Yeah, all the time.  And then _I_ would get punished for fighting.  So unfair!  I found ways to get even with them, though.”  Ellie smirked, remembering all the trouble she and Riley used to get into.  If she hadn’t been bitten and gone to Marlene when she did, she probably would have been expelled from that last school within a week or two anyway, with nowhere left to go.  It was funny how things worked out sometimes.

“I can’t imagine.  I’ve never been in a fight…a physical one, anyway.”

“Ever?  Shut up.”  Boy, would this girl get picked on back there.  She’d never make it.

“Does that seem weird to you?”  Annie didn’t even seem to feel embarrassed about being a wimp.

“Well, yeah.  I guess.  Maybe not out here in the country so much,” she conceded.  Ellie’s teeth whittled her apple down as close to the core as possible.

Annie chuckled.  “Maybe you can teach me how to fight some time.”

“Not in that dress I can’t.”  She didn’t know if she could actually teach anyone how to fight anyway.  She hadn’t learned it, she just _did_ it.  Although… she supposed she had learned some stuff from Joel, mostly by observation.  “Can I ask you something?  Why do you wear that…” -- Ellie gestured at the other girl’s head -- “Doesn’t that ribbon make you itch?”

“The sunbonnet?  It shades my face.  And it protects my head from the sun blasting it all day… the sun can be really draining, if your head gets too hot.  And no, I don’t even notice the ribbon.  You wanna try it?  I can get you one…”

Oh _hell_ no.  “No thanks.  Wouldn’t match my outfit,” she said with a grin. 

“You’re right about that.”  Annie smiled at her.  She was pretty, Ellie decided.  Annie finished her milk and leaned back in her chair.  “I’m sure you’re wondering why I dress like this instead of wearing jeans like everyone else.  When I was little, I was fascinated with the clothes of the Victorian era.  I loved looking at the books in the library with all the pictures, and playing dress-up and stuff.  I don’t know how much this town got looted before but there were plenty of clothes left behind for me to play with.  When Millie came to live here -- have you met her?  She’s like, the town seamstress -- she started making me dresses, out of whatever fabric we could get.  She made this one too, actually.  It’s more pioneer than Victorian, of course, but I can’t get a fancy dress all dirty!  And I could never work in those long skirts.”

“Uh, you’re not exactly wearing a miniskirt,” Ellie observed with a smirk.

“Oh but you should see the ones that drag on the ground!  Or that bustle -- they stick out way behind your butt.  I’ll show you some time.  Um -- if you want.”  Annie had been so animated talking about clothing, but now she blushed and seemed shy again.  “I just… like dresses in general.  The way they look… and they’re more comfortable than pants.  An old-fashioned dress like this, most people wouldn’t think it’s cool, but who cares?  Clothes used to go in and out of ‘style,’ before the outbreak -- I say, why don’t people wear whatever they like?  Why dress a certain way because it’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do?”

Ellie didn’t really give a shit about clothes, whether it be her own or in the context of history.  She did know the answer to that question, though.  “Because if you don’t, the other kids make fun of you or bully you, for one?”

“Yeah, sometimes… but what I mean is it shouldn’t have to be that way.  My brother teases me -- that’s part of his job as my sibling -- that’s allowed, I do the same to him.  We’re not nasty to each other, either.  It’s all in good fun.  I have a couple of more modern dresses I can wear to go into town, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get teased.  Anyway, if kids call me names or ridicule me, I just ignore them.  I don’t care what they think.”

Maybe this girl had never been in a fist fight, but Ellie could see she wasn’t a total pushover.  She was different and not afraid to show it.  Ellie could respect that, even if she didn’t totally buy the ‘I don’t care’ remark.

They had both finished eating now.  “So what do we do next?” asked Ellie.

“Well, we have time to go riding now if you want?”  Annie picked up their plates and glasses and set them in the sink. 

“Yes!  Awesome!”

Fifteen minutes later they were gleefully galloping around the pasture, Annie on her favorite horse, a chestnut mare named Amelia, and Ellie on a palomino stallion named Spirit -- a beautiful horse she fell in love with the second she laid eyes on him.  Ellie thought Annie might need to change clothes to ride a horse, but Annie simply bunched up her skirt and sat on it (she did remove her apron, which was actually called a pinafore).  Spirit was a little feistier than Callus, and Ellie even got thrown off once, but she insisted this was the horse she wanted.  Riding him was such a thrill!  _I could **so** do this every day,_ Ellie thought happily.  The wind whipped at her face and through her hair, carrying her voice away when she shouted in delight -- she felt _free_ , even though they were technically confined.  She was in no hurry to get anywhere, she wasn’t being chased by anyone (except perhaps Amelia), she was just riding for pure pleasure.  It felt fucking fantastic.

After a few minutes of such ‘freedom,’ Ellie saw Annie rein in her horse and beckon Ellie over.  Annie’s face was flushed and some of her hair had come loose from its braid.  Her sunbonnet dangled down her back.  She undid the knot and pulled it off, then stuffed it underneath her balled-up dress.  Ellie laughed when she caught her breath.  “Man, this horse is hyper!  And you know…for someone who’s a… clothing connoisseur, or whatever, you don’t really take much care with your clothes.  What’s up with that?”

Annie laughed.  “Eh, they need to be washed anyway.  And see how it’s clouding up out here?  I don’t need the sunbonnet so much.  So is Spirit too much of a pain to ride?  Want a different horse -- maybe an older one?”

“No way, Spirit’s my buddy now, aren’t you, Spirit!”  Ellie patted the horse’s shiny white mane.  She _might_ have exaggerated her riding skills to Annie when they were picking out a horse for her to ride.  Just a wee bit.

“He does seem to like you, actually,” Annie acknowledged.  “Do you want to go ride through the town?  I could give you a tour.”

Ellie nodded eagerly.  “Sure!  Can you show me where the Town Square is?  I heard they show movies there every night?”

“Yep, most nights.  I don’t go that much.  If they’re gonna show a drama… or a period piece, like _Far and Away_ or something, I will.  The teens usually watch something dumb.  Do you wanna go clean up a bit before we go?”

“No,” Ellie replied, her tone implying that it was a silly question.  Jeez, she’d just taken a shower that morning.  She didn’t have all that much dirt on her, really.  “Unless…you do?”

Annie shook her head.  “Nah, I don’t care what I look like.  Everyone already knows!  I just thought you… if you wanted to make a good first impression or something…”

“Pfffffft.  I so don’t care.  Let’s just go.”  Ellie had never really given much thought to her appearance; was she supposed to start now? 

The horses cantered side by side towards town, with Ellie asking Annie questions about Jackson and Annie answering them, supplementing with random trivia or gossip about some of the residents.  Ellie was happy to see that Annie had finally forgotten about the gun.  When they reached the street, they trotted single-file with Annie in the lead.  Like Tommy, Annie seemed to know all the names of the townsfolk, greeting whomever they passed.  People may have been surprised to see a stranger riding behind her, but they politely said hello to Ellie too.  Whenever Annie stopped her horse to chat with someone for a minute, she introduced Ellie as her ‘new friend.’  Ellie kept surveying the scene all around them… partly to take in the new sights, and partly because she couldn’t shake the feeling that a group of men could burst out at them from behind any of these houses.  Which was probably a ridiculous thing to think…

“And there’s the library, straight ahead.” Annie pointed to a large brick building.  “That’s where they have the movies.”

Instead of dangerous men, Ellie spotted a couple of adolescent boys standing to their right just off the road, across from the library building.  She heard their laughter as the horses approached… and she got the sense that the source of their amusement was the two of them -- or maybe just Annie.  Annie didn’t change her course to avoid them.  The boys were probably around Ellie’s age, maybe a little younger.  Their dopey smug expressions certainly made them look younger in Ellie’s eyes.

“Hey Annie!  Why don’t you roll up that stupid skirt all the way for me?  I’ll give you a ride!” one of them snickered.  His friend whispered something to him and he added, “Or did you already get off on the saddle?”  Both of them burst into moronic laughter.

 _Really?_  The asswipes seemed to think these lame comments were the funniest thing ever.  Annie didn’t look at them; she just kept moving forward.  Ellie couldn’t see her face but she would bet it was flaming red.  Could the girl really just ignore that?

“Hey!  Thanks for bringin’ a friend so me and Cedric don’t have to share!” called Asswipe #1.  This renewed their laughter.  Ellie tugged on the reins and Spirit trotted around the boys in a wide circle.  The mouthy little jerk watched her.  “Oh yeah, she’s stopping!  You want in on the action, skank?”

“You wish, you little shit,” Ellie snarled.  They were still laughing.  “You’re such a dumbass that a whore wouldn’t even fuck you if you paid her double.”

That earned a laugh from Asswipe #2 -- until he saw that the remark had angered his buddy.

“Ellie, come on!” Annie urged from the road up ahead, where she was waiting for Ellie to catch up.  Ellie ignored her.

Asswipe #1 glared at Ellie. “You two are lezzies.”

“Ohhhhh man, that’s _so_ insulting,” Ellie mocked.  “I’d rather be a lesbian anyway than be with your ugly ass.  So would every other girl in this country.”

“Hey, fuck you, bitch!”  In Ellie’s book, resorting to a ‘fuck you’ equated to either ‘I’m done with this’ or ‘I need a minute to think of a witty comeback.’  Probably the latter in this boy’s case.  He had to save face in front of his homie.

“Dude, she’s got a gun,” Asswipe #2 pointed out nervously.  He appeared to be the younger of the two, maybe twelve or thirteen years old.

Ellie knew she’d won the verbal sparring match and should probably go join Annie now, but she couldn’t resist messing with them a little.  “That’s right.  And I killed so many people I’m not allowed back in my old quarantine zone, so, here I am!  I can’t help it, people just piss me off so much, y’know?”  She made a motion like she was reaching for the gun.

Both dweebs took off running like chickenshits, and both girls burst out laughing.  Ellie turned her horse around and caught up to Annie.  “You’re bad!” Annie said with admiration.  “I’ve never seen A.J. so scared.”

“Man.  Idiots!  I wonder if they actually believed me, or just didn’t wanna take any chances.  You really just ignore that shit?  It doesn’t bother you?”

Annie sighed.  “I don’t _like_ it, it’s awkward… but they’re just dumb kids showing off.  It’s really no big deal.”

“Pfffft.  They’re arrogant dickwads who need to be put in their place.  What about your boyfriend?  I thought guys were all macho about shit like that.  Isn’t it like… ‘guy code’ that he goes and kicks their asses now?”

“Maybe.  That’s why I don’t tell him!  I don’t want him to get upset or get in trouble.  And it’s kind of embarrassing, I’d rather just forget it.  Ellie, seriously, it’s nothing.  You didn’t have to do that.  But… thank you.”  Annie smiled at her shyly.

“At your service, ma’am,” Ellie said grandly with a mock bow.  “Alright, so instead of telling him, next time someone messes with you, you tell me, and I’ll take care of it for you.  Trouble is my middle name.  If I had an actual birth certificate, it would be on there.”

Annie laughed again and rolled her eyes.  “You’re funny.  I’m sure I’ll be fine, but I’ll remember that.  You um… haven’t _really_ killed anyone, have you?”

“Well, yeah,” Ellie answered soberly.  “I have.  Only when I had to, though.”

“Like Infected?”

“And regular people too.  Only when I had to,” she repeated.

Annie looked a little wary again.  “What do you mean ‘had to’?  Self-defense?”

“Uh... kind of.  Yes,” Ellie amended. _Sometimes we had to attack first.  You wouldn’t understand._

“Wow.  So… for you, confronting a couple of punk kids being stupid is like...”

“Exactly.”  Ellie chuckled.  It was weird, though, how quickly she had reverted back to the girl she’d been in the zone a year ago.  She knew she wasn’t that girl anymore – and that girl hadn’t even known Joel existed, which didn’t seem possible, somehow.  She used to act tough, and think she _was_ tough, but now she knew better.  And even though she was more capable and sure of herself now than she’d ever been, she was also way more scared.  Which didn’t make sense.  At the same time, she also felt safer than ever before.  Which _totally_ didn’t make sense.  She felt cared for and looked after now.  Sure, she’d had Marlene back in Boston, but that wasn’t the same.  Marlene was more detached than Joel, definitely, and Ellie didn’t feel the same kind of connection with her.  She’d never felt like she couldn’t survive if Marlene wasn’t in her life.  Yet there was also the icky feeling Ellie got in the pit of her stomach when she thought about Joel lying to her…about what could have happened that would make him lie, and what she should do about it…

“Ellie?”

“Sorry.  What did you say?”

“I said I’ll be sure to stay on your good side then, like you said earlier,” she said with a grin. “Shall we continue the tour?”

“Yes!” Ellie has happy for the escape from her rumination -- and glad that her new friend had apparently accepted her status as a killer.  Now if only she’d quit cringing at her colorful vocabulary…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding the town of Jackson, I wanted to mention that its population in 2013 was around 10,000. I don't envision the enclosed area to include ALL of that land, but it's larger than you might think. The farms are also enclosed (fences regularly maintained), and bordered on the south by Snow King mountain. I've purposely left acreage or measurements and number of livestock vague, as I truly don't know how big the farms "should" be to sustain a community of about 200 people and still have plenty of surplus to trade, yet be manageable by folks who don't have a lot of farming tech at their disposal. I've taken some liberties, though, too... as far as I can tell, there is no lake in the middle of the real Jackson, but there is in this one :) If you're curious about something, please holler, I'm happy to share my head canon -- much of which will never make it to print -- and if something doesn't make sense even with a certain suspension of disbelief, I'd like to know that, too. Thanks for reading!


	6. The Lay of the Land

Annie and Ellie toured the rest of the town without further incident, yet Ellie remained on high alert for an ambush around every corner.  _What is wrong with you? Relax, Ellie._   A huge portion of town was unoccupied, and Annie wasn’t too keen on taking Ellie through those streets, but Ellie persuaded her to show her at least a few.

“It’s so eerie here,” Annie remarked as they headed down one deserted street, the clop-clop of the horses’ hooves on the pavement magnified by the surrounding silence.  It actually seemed more normal to Ellie than the buzzing of a town full of people.  “All these empty houses,” Annie continued.  “No one around… most of the time, at least.  Sometimes people will come through here and salvage things.  I heard Tommy has a map of the whole town, with everything inventoried.  So if, say, someone’s shower breaks, and they don’t have the right parts at the warehouse, the maintenance people can come in here and find a replacement –- and then it would be documented that house number such-and-such doesn’t have a working shower.  If someone wants a new couch, they can ‘shop’ for one.  Stuff like that.  They’re supposed to go to Maria or Tommy… for big stuff like furniture they’ll need to borrow one of our wagons, anyway.  They can’t exactly just stroll in there and carry it off on their backs.  The small stuff, though, that’s pretty much all been picked over.  Some of it, like the clothes?  That’s all kept at the storehouse.  And there’s one big section, over there” –- she gestured vaguely to the east –- “that’s way more damaged than the rest of town.  There was a fire, before I lived here.”

Ellie could see how the abandoned houses, especially the burnt ones, might seem creepy.  She supposed they _were_ creepy, and that she’d just been desensitized to ghost towns on her cross-country trek with Joel.  She’d seen plenty of places that gave her the creeps, but it wasn’t simply for the fact that they were deserted.  She wasn’t sure what it was specifically that spooked her -- it was more of a gut feeling.  Looking at these empty houses in Jackson, she could imagine exploring them… finding clues about what the previous inhabitants’ lives were like, maybe finding things no one else had noticed.  She made a mental note to come back here on her own some time.  “Does anyone ever come here just to hang out?”

“Kids who wanna get away from their parents, sure.  I’ve heard of some parties out here, with alcohol and dope.  Marijuana grows on the farm,” she added, answering Ellie’s next question before she could ask it.  “On Farm 2.  It’s supposed to be used as a pain reliever but that’s… not always what happens.”

Ellie chuckled.  “I’m sure.  How do they get the booze?”

“They’d have to steal it.  Not sure where the hard stuff comes from, but there’s plenty of beer here -- people in town brew it from the barley we grow.  That’s what the kids like.  Some of the people who lived here before the outbreak did home brewing so that’s where the equipment comes from.  The beer is meant for the adults, of course, and last I heard, we actually trade it more than drink it.  The soldiers return the bottles for refills.”

“No wonder the soldiers stay friendly with you guys,” Ellie joked.  Or half-joked, really.  She realized that the lack of bottles littering the streets was one difference between here and the places she and Joel had passed through on their long journey.  To her, a glass bottle was a weapon; she’d actually forgotten that people used to drink out of them.  _Still_ drink out of them.

“No kidding,” Annie said with a smile.  “I personally can’t stand the taste.  I don’t know how anyone can.”

“You’ve tried it?  What about the weed?”  Ellie couldn’t imagine Annie partaking of either.

“Both.  Once was enough for me!  So, yes, people do come out here sometimes.  I’ve also heard of kids running away and hiding in here.  Runaways don’t stay long, though.  There’s nothing here for them.  No food, no water, no electricity… they go home soon enough.  There’s been some debate about fencing it off.  For now, they don’t think it’s a worthwhile use of resources.  It would take a _lot_ of fence to go around this whole area.  And unless it’s a barbed wire fence they’d just climb over it anyway, so it would be hard to make it truly off limits.”

Ellie barely registered what Annie said after the running away bit.  “Why the fuck would anyone want to run away from a nice house where they can eat all the time?  And have a safe place to sleep… and all that.  Not to mention a _family._ ”  Were the kids here spoiled brats or what?  And what did they think they’d find out here that was better than home?  It would make more sense to run away to the outside, lured by fantasies of the unknown… but she knew you had to be an adult to leave without parental consent, which a runaway likely would not have.  They’d have to find a way out that didn’t involve the main gates.

Annie shrugged.  “Maybe they just want attention?  Someone did kill himself in here, though.  I barely knew him.  It was sad.  Shot himself with his dad’s gun in one of the houses that burned down.  We’re not going down _that_ street.”

Ellie thought about Henry and Sam, and a chill passed through her.  “Why did he do it?  Did he get infected or something?”

“No, he just didn’t want to live anymore.”

“Seriously?  Man.”  Ellie wondered what had made him hate life so much, when he wasn’t even infected or living in a sucky quarantine zone.  It wasn’t uncommon for people to kill themselves after being bitten, as not everyone shared Riley’s view on that.  But you never knew what could happen.  What if Ellie had taken the easy way out?  She probably owed Riley her life.  Some people didn’t have the balls to actually do the deed...  _I could do it, if I wanted to.  I probably would have if I’d been by myself._

“So have you seen enough of this part of town?  Come on, let’s trot.”

They circled a lake -- technically a pond, according to Annie, but everyone in Jackson referred to it as ‘the lake’ -- and Ellie imagined Joel teaching her to swim there.  No one was swimming now, as the weather was still a bit chilly.  In the summer, this was apparently the happening place to be.  Ellie felt a little excited about the possibility of going to barbecues at the lake and other such things that she’d only ever known from books or, more rarely, movies… or -- her favorite! -- from listening to Joel’s reminiscing, which he’d only recently begun to do on a more regular basis.

As they made their way back in the direction of the farming lands, they rode past a house with three men on its roof.  Annie squinted up at them, trying to identify them for Ellie.  “Let’s see… I think that’s…”

“JOEL!” Ellie shouted, waving madly.  It felt like she hadn’t seen him in ages!  With some difficulty, she brought Spirit to a halt and looked up at the roof.  “Hi!”

Joel looked pretty happy to see her too.  He said something to the other men and moved down to the roof’s edge.  “You look… wind-blown,” he remarked with a chuckle.

“Well, we’ve been riding for a while!  This is my friend Annie, she lives on one of the farms.  Annie, in case you didn’t hear me yell his name, haha -- this is Joel.”  She paused so they could exchange greetings, then resumed her perky chatter.  “And this is Spirit, he’s six years old, he came up from Arizona.  He’s trained and all but a little bit wild, he goes _really_ fast and if I can I wanna ride him every day.  Annie’s horse is Amelia, that’s her favorite.  I guess I can’t say Spirit’s _my_ favorite, I haven’t ridden any of the others yet.  But I bet he’ll be my favorite anyways.”

“That horse looks a bit ornery,” Joel observed with some amusement.  “You’re gonna need to show him who’s boss.”

“I am!  I mean… we’re more like equal partners,” she hedged.

The other two men had stopped working and joined Joel.  They both knew Annie, of course, because everyone knew her.  Joel introduced Ellie simply as ‘Ellie’.  The five of them chatted for a few minutes, until the older guy excused himself to get back to work, with the younger guy soon following.  Joel gave Annie the customary ‘nice meeting you’ farewell and then smiled down at Ellie.  “See you at dinner, kiddo.”

“Oh -- yeah -- what time is that?”  Ellie frowned.

“Tommy said usually between six’n’seven.”

“Don’t worry, Ellie, you can leave before we’re done -- you’re not even on the schedule,” Annie reassured her.  She looked up at Joel.  “Or she can eat with my family.  If that’s okay with you.”

“Oh.  Ellie don’ need to—“ Joel stopped mid-sentence, apparently thinking better of whatever he’d been about to say.  “That’s okay with me.  Ellie, see how it’s goin’ later an’ play it by ear, yeah?”

“Okay.  Good luck finishing that roof before it rains!  Bye!”  The girls directed their horses to get moving again.  Ellie looked back over her shoulder and saw that Joel was watching her.  She gave him a little wave.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Annie pulled up alongside Ellie.  “He has a gun too!” she said, scandalized.

“Well, yeah.  So?  He’s like me.  I’m sure he’s not gonna shoot anyone either,” she lied.

Annie didn’t seem particularly worried, at least.  “You were so… you really light up when you talk to him.”

“I do?”  Ellie knew she’d been talking fast… smiling a lot… was that ‘lighting up’?

“Mmhmm.  I can tell you guys are close.  If I didn’t know better I would’ve assumed he was your dad.  The younger guy on the roof -- Xavier -- he’s Cedric’s dad.  Cedric was one of those boys back in the Square.  The quieter one.  A.J.’s little lackey.”

Ellie snorted.  “Does Xavier know his son’s a dick?”

“No idea.”  Annie giggled.  “Do you always cuss so much?”

Ellie didn’t consider ‘dick’ a true cuss word, but whatever.  “Do you _ever_ cuss?” she retorted.

Annie contemplated this.  “Um… maybe I’ve done it a couple times in my life?”

“Oh man.” Ellie rolled her eyes.  “We’ll have to work on that.  No, wait, repeat after me -- ‘we’ll have to _fucking_ work on that _shit_.’”

Annie laughed but didn’t play along; she just urged Amelia out in front of Ellie and Spirit again to continue the tour.  A very light, misty rain began to fall.  Ellie didn’t mind it one bit; she tilted her head back to help the sprinkles dust her face.  Annie didn’t seem to mind either except to comment that she hoped they’d get the cows in before it started coming down hard and maybe they’d do that earlier than usual. 

The last place they passed was Joel’s house, which Annie described as unoccupied.  She started telling Ellie about some guy who’d actually built it, years ago, even though there were plenty of houses right there in town.  Ellie smugly interrupted her to inform her that for once, she knew something about Jackson that Annie didn’t.  _Ha!_

“Are you sure?  There’s not even a road that goes out here…”

“I think I know where I live, thank you,” Ellie said with mock offense.  When she and Joel had left this morning, she’d turned around and looked at it to commit it to memory.  And the funky mismatched old lawn chairs on the porch were pretty recognizable.

“It’s tiny.  Are you moving into a bigger one?”

“Nope.  We like it.  It’s plenty big enough and it’s not like we’re even gonna spend much time in it, really.”  Was she going to have to defend the house to everyone who saw it?  Although Annie seemed satisfied with that answer and they kept riding.  They would conclude the tour by galloping through the other two farms, ending at the stables between Farms 2 and 3.  Ellie was glad Annie had announced the plan because once Spirit picked up the pace, he seemed eager to run again, and Ellie wasn’t inclined to try to stop him.  That sensation of being thrilled and wild and free and… _elemental_ , even… it was utterly amazing, nearly to the point of being overwhelming.  Soon Annie and Amelia were far behind her.

 

* * *

 

 

The rain was coming down hard by the time Ellie arrived at Tommy and Maria’s for dinner.  She probably would have enjoyed having dinner with Annie & company -- Annie’s boyfriend Jacob seemed friendly enough, and Ellie would have liked to meet her mother and little brother -- but she hadn’t seen Joel all day except for those few minutes on the roof, and it felt strange to be away from him for so long.  She missed him, sure, but more importantly, she just had to make sure he was… _real._   As opposed to something she had dreamed up?  Or someone from a previous life?  It was a bizarre, illogical feeling.  She’d never felt it when they were on the road.

Annie had offered her an umbrella, which Ellie had declined (“umbrellas are for sissies!” she’d teased her), and since she hadn’t thought to bring her jacket with her this morning, she was now thoroughly drenched.  She knocked on the door and then entered without waiting for an answer, as she’d been taught to do that morning.  It smelled fucking fantastic inside. 

Maria came over from the kitchen.  “Girl, you are _soaked_ ,” she observed amusedly, then called over her shoulder, “Joel!  She’s here!”

Ellie realized she was creating a little pool of water at the entryway.  “Uh-oh… I’m getting your floor all dirty.”

“That’s alright, I’ll have the servants wax it tomorrow,” Maria said airily.  Ellie laughed.  “Come upstairs and let’s find you some dry clothes.”

Joel approached them (he was indeed real, much to Ellie’s relief) and shook his head, smiling at her bedraggled appearance.  “Now that we’re in civilization I reckoned you wouldn’ go for that drowned rat look no more.”

Ellie snorted.  “Very funny.  Excuse me while _Maria_ and I go find me some clothes because _she_ is nice enough to help me out, not make fun of me like _some_ people.”  She punched his arm playfully as she walked by him, and he pretended that it hurt.  That was so cute that she smiled, negating all pretense of being annoyed with him.

Upstairs, Ellie started drying herself off in the hall bathroom while Maria scrounged up some clothes for her.  This house reminded her of the one she’d fled to last fall, when she had realized Joel was planning to ditch her.  It was really big -- too big for two people.  Maria handed her a sweatshirt, jeans, and socks.  “Here you go.  Take your time.  I told Tommy I’d hold supper ‘til he got home and he’ll probably be another ten minutes or so.”

“Okay.  Oh hey, Maria… I was just wondering… why do you and Tommy live in such a big house?”

“Well…” Maria frowned a little, and Ellie worried that the question may have been too nosy.  “My father used to live here too.  He was the true visionary behind this place -- Jackson the way it is now.  But he’s no longer with us.  He was… killed.”  She swallowed a lump in her throat, then brightened.  “We get lots of visitors, and it’s nice to have the room for them to spend the night if they want to.  But the real reason we like this house is ‘cause we want to fill it up ourselves… we’re trying to start a family.”

“Oh, awesome!” Ellie exclaimed.  She could already imagine a couple of youngsters climbing all over their Uncle Joel.  _Who would I be -- Cousin Ellie?_ “You’re gonna be a great mom.  Sorry about your dad.”

“Thank you.  We’ll see.  We’ve been trying for a while and haven’t had any luck yet,” Maria said with a sigh.  “Do me a favor: don’t tell anyone.  People around here mean well, we’d just rather not have them all up in our business.”

“No problem!  I won’t tell.  Except… does Joel know?”

“I don’t know.  Tommy might’ve told him?  You don’t have to keep it a secret from him, though.  He’s okay.”

“Yeah, Joel’s pretty good at keeping secrets,” Ellie said bitterly.

Maria looked at her a long moment and seemed to be on the verge of saying something, but instead she just said she’d see Ellie downstairs, and closed the bathroom door behind her.

Ellie washed her hands and face, re-did her ponytail, and headed downstairs to the dining table.  She expected Joel to make fun of her again because the clothes were way too big, but he barely seemed to notice when she sat next to him.  She glanced around the table at her dinner companions, some of whom she remembered from last night along with some new faces.  Buster was amusing the others with a tale of hunting in the rain -- amusing everyone but Joel, that is.  He didn’t look like he’d heard a word of it.  Ellie nudged him and whispered, “Are you okay?”

Joel looked at her then.  Flashed her a wee smile.  “Yep.  Glad you could make it back for dinner.”

Maria had just finished introducing Ellie to the strangers at the table when Tommy arrived.  He wasn’t nearly as wet as Ellie; he just went to ‘towel off real quick’ while Maria and that other girl, Chelsea, fetched the food that was being kept warm in the kitchen.  And Joel was suddenly jumpy as fuck.  His gaze darted around… when he heard Tommy’s voice, he stared at the entry to the dining area.  Then he stared at Maria, who seemed to notice the staring but didn’t seem to think it was odd.  Joel’s knee was bobbing up and down real fast, almost like a spasm.  Ellie knew it was a fidgety thing that he did.  Not necessarily a _nervous_ thing… but he was also clenching the end of the tablecloth.  Even the sight of the mouth-watering roast didn’t faze him.  Was it all the strange people?  He hadn’t acted this way last night, though.  Ellie watched him surreptitiously.

A couple of minutes passed like that before Tommy returned.  He said hello to everyone, kissed Maria on the cheek, and took his seat without looking at Joel.  Even though Joel was staring at him again.  If stares could wake the dead... when Tommy finally made eye contact with him, the brothers looked at each other for a long moment.  Joel cleared his throat.  “Tommy, I need a word with you,” he said in an annoyed ‘that-goes-without-saying’ tone… and Ellie felt the panic swelling inside her.

“Maria didn’t...?” Tommy looked at Maria, who gave a nearly imperceptible shake of her head.

“She was waitin’ for you,” Joel grumbled.

He started to get up and Ellie clutched at his arm.  “Joel, what’s going on?” she asked with quiet desperation, not even trying to sound casual.

Joel shrugged her off and stood up.  “Nothin’.  I’ll be right back.”  Both Tommy and Maria were leaving the room.

 _No no no no whatever it is NO._   “I’ll go with you!”

“No,” Joel said firmly.  “Stay here.  It’s nothin’ you need to worry about.”

Ellie started to get up anyway.

“No, Ellie.  I’ll be right back,” he repeated, fixing her with a Look until she settled back in her seat.  She watched him leave, feeling helpless. 

Maybe she should follow him on the sly and eavesdrop… but then Maria looked back at her and mouthed _‘it’s okay’_ with a small smile before she left with them.  It was enough to keep Ellie in her chair. 

She heard the front door open and close. ‘ _Be right back’, my ass._

Ellie stared down at her plate.  Someone -- she didn’t notice who it was -- had put some elk meat on it, and mashed potatoes.  And someone told her to eat.  Called her ‘honey.’  Ellie’s mouth had gone dry and she wondered if she could even pretend to eat now.  Her thoughts were racing.  _What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.  What are you doing, Joel?  Did you just lie to me again?  Why don’t you trust me enough to tell me what’s going on?  Aren’t we in this together -- you and me against the world?  WHAT THE FUCK.  Did something happen?  Are you leaving?  I’m going with you, if you are. No matter what you say.  Even if I have to pretend I’m not and then sneak out and track your lying ass down.  Fuck you!  You said we’re a package deal.  Was that a lie too?  That feeling I had today, that you were a dream… was it a premonition?_

And then he was back.  All three of them returned to their seats like nothing of note had happened.  They weren’t even wet, so they probably hadn’t even gone beyond the porch.  Joel squeezed Ellie’s shoulder as he sat down.  “See?  Told you I’d be right back,” he said cheerfully.  He grabbed the serving tray that was in front of them and slid some meat onto his plate. “I am _hungry._   Aren’t you? You haven’t touched your food.”

Ellie stared at him, somewhat bewildered at the sudden change in his demeanor.  “What was that all about?”

“I told you, it was nothin’.”

“Do you think I’m an idiot?”

Then he switched gears and offered the second stock answer in his repertoire of bullshit:  “We’ll talk about it later.”

“Sure, Joel.  Later.”  Ellie knew that in Joel-speak, ‘later’ meant ‘only if I ever deem it necessary to tell you, which I probably won’t.’  She was still irritated with him; even if all those thoughts that had just swirled through her brain were not (necessarily) applicable, they were still there… she still _felt_ them.  And just because he hadn’t left her right this second didn’t mean it wouldn’t be happening imminently.  The table was humming with multiple conversations, and no one was paying any particular attention to the two of them, so surely he could answer one simple question.  “Can you just tell me… are you leaving?” she asked softly, afraid to look him in the eye but forcing herself to do so.

Joel met her gaze evenly.  “No, we’re not.”

Ellie didn’t like the ambiguity of that.  It was the kind of answer Joel could throw at her later and claim he hadn’t lied because he’d said ‘we’ and not ‘I’.  Ellie swallowed. “I asked if _you_ were leaving.”

“And I said no, we’re not -- do you really think I’d leave without you?  Don’t worry, kiddo.  Everything’s fine, I promise.  Why would I want to leave?  We just got here.  Now eat.”  With the matter settled, Joel turned back to his plate.

But was it truly settled?  God, he sounded so sincere, and he seemed much happier now.  Ellie wanted to believe him.  Deep down… she _did_ believe that he wouldn’t abandon her, not now.  Not after all they’d been through together.  She knew she believed that, so why did she question it?  It was that fucking lie, a weed poking its way up through their relationship… growing, spreading, threatening to overtake them. 

Joel was speaking to her and she couldn’t ponder its ramifications any further.  “Now,” he said through a mouthful of potatoes, “I wanna hear all ‘bout your shenanigans down on the farm.  Didja like it?  What did you do besides ride that barely-broke horse?”

Ellie would have to drag it out of him later, somehow.  For now, it was too tempting to flick off that switch and relax a little.  It felt great to be eating yet another satisfying meal, sitting next to a chipper Joel, telling him about her day… and he listened to her.  He was interested.  He cared.  How could she stay mad at him when he was in such a good mood?  He was here with her, he wasn’t going anywhere, she would see him every day for the rest of her life.  _I’m the luckiest girl in the world.  Forget about the lie,_ she had to convince herself.  _Be like Joel: pretend it doesn’t exist._


	7. A New Enemy

The storm passed and left a clear, cold sky in its wake.  After dinner, Tommy escorted Joel and Ellie to the library, and once again, Joel had the pleasure of seeing Ellie’s awe as she took it all in.  Jackson’s library was more than just a house of books.  Ellie took Joel’s hand and tugged him excitedly from one part to the next, pointing to things and asking questions -- sometimes pulling him over to the next thing before he even finished answering.  Near the children’s section, there were card tables set up in front of a bookshelf full of board games.  Another bookshelf held jigsaw puzzles, of which Ellie couldn’t see the appeal ( _“So they put the picture together just to take it apart?  That’s dumb”)_.  Four people were playing Monopoly at one of the tables.  Two others were playing a card game.  Tommy said they held tournaments for some of the games, generally with bragging rights as the only prize.  A bulletin board nearby was cluttered with colorful flyers announcing these, as well as movie schedules, town meetings, and any other information deemed pertinent to Jackson residents (apparently they did have several boxes of replacement copier/printer toner, and a standing requisition to trade for more when possible, but to err on the side of conservation, only certain citizens had printing privileges).

A few rooms which used to serve as meeting or activity centers had been transformed into miniature makeshift movie theaters, complete with freshly-popped popcorn (no soda or candy, though).  The rooms were reserved at night for the scheduled movies, but at other times, people were welcome to come watch whatever they wanted, limited to one movie at a time if others were waiting.  One corner of the large main room was the designated ‘music center,’ with racks of CDs and cassettes, a handful of stereos, a tangle of headphones and earbuds, and personal listening devices too -- walkmans and discmans.  Joel hadn’t seen a discman since he was a kid.  Ellie had her own walkman, a broken one she had an odd attachment to, and which Joel was determined to fix for her.  Tommy said they also had MP3 players, but no one had been able to get any of them working yet.  There was a row of computers along the wall by the stereos, where people could play games or listen to music, only for an hour at a time when demand was high.  It all looked very orderly and well-thought-out to Joel.

There were so-called librarians, too.  They used a spreadsheet to track who borrowed what book on what date.  Music and movies could also be checked out, for those who had the means to play them at home –- people who had lived here a while, for the most part.  The personal devices had to be checked out as well, but those could only be used in this building (as they had a habit of wandering off otherwise, never to be seen again).  Up to five items per person at a time could be borrowed for home use.  If you didn’t return something within two weeks, the bounty hunters came after you -- according to Tommy, who then volunteered Joel for the job.  Ellie got a kick out of that.

Ellie took a seat at a table with a chess board and fiddled with one of the white pawns.  “Just like Bill’s!  Joel, will you teach me how to play?”

“Right now?” asked Joel, amused at her enthusiasm, as he sat down across from her.

“No, I mean, some time.”  She put the piece down guiltily and looked up at Tommy.  “Oops -- am I not supposed to touch these?”

Tommy looked surprised.  “Nah, go ahead, touch ‘em all you want.”

Joel remembered how Bill had warned her not to touch anything on his board.  He chuckled.  “So there’s no game goin’ on already?”

“Well, if there was, they’re supposed to put a note up.”  Tommy picked up a scrap of paper that had ‘game in progress’ scrawled on it, then let it flutter like a leaf back into the box of pieces not in use.  “’Course, that’s no guarantee that someone won’ come over an’ mess with it anyhow.  The staff can’t have their eyes on everythin’ all at once.  Other people comin’ in here to hang out try to keep an eye out for mischief, too.”

Ellie picked up a black stone from one of the squares.  “Is this piece like a bomb or something?”

Tommy chuckled.  “That would be an interesting deviation from the rules.  No, that there is… the black side’s queen, I think.  Some o’ the pieces have a way of disappearin’.”

Ellie snorted.  “People are so rude.”

Joel laughed.  What a little hypocrite she was!  “I’m sure _you_ would never steal nothin’.”

“I wouldn’t!” Ellie exclaimed indignantly.  “Not from a place like this!  That’s selfish.  If the place is abandoned, then sure.  It’s not stealing cuz no one’s even using it.”

“Right.  But it’s alright to take things from an individual if you feel like it, is it?”

“No!”  Then Ellie realized what he was hinting at.  “Oh, I get it.  Okay -- it’s wrong to take stuff from a _nice_ person.  It’s not wrong if they handcuff you and make fun of you and tell your traveling companion that he’s a fucking idiot for helping you.”

Tommy’s eyebrows shot up and Joel laughed again.  “You don’ wanna know, baby brother.”

“You’ll have to fill me in on your travel adventures some time,” Tommy said amusedly.  “Well, you all do what you want, I’m gonna go talk to Paige over there at the counter.  Seeya later.”

“Bye Tommy, thanks again for dinner,” said Ellie.  She really _was_ rather polite… for a teenager with a potty mouth.  She’d helped out with the dishes after dinner, too.  Without being asked.

Joel toyed with a couple of the black pawns.  “So, in your opinion, it’s perfectly fine to steal from someone, so long as they’re an asshole?” he asked casually.

Ellie thought about it for a moment.  “Yeah, maybe.  I s’pose so.  If they’re an asshole then they deserve it.”

“I’m an asshole, so it’s okay if people steal from me?”

“You are nooootttttt,” Ellie said, exasperated.  “You’re one of the good guys.  You just don’t want to admit it cuz you like your tough guy image.  You can be bad-ass _and_ still be good, y’know.”

It wasn’t worth arguing with her.  There was a lot about him that she didn’t know, or had only scratched the surface of, and Joel was content to keep it that way.  “Bill’s not really an asshole, either.  He was a big help to us.  We might not even be here if it wasn’ for him.  You realize that?”

Ellie shrugged.  “He didn’t have to be such a jerk to me.  Anyway, it’s not like I took anything important.”

“How do you decide what’s important and what’s not?  People have different opinions on that.”  Joel was just giving her shit now.  Because it was fun.

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “I’m sure Bill already read that comic… and listened to that tape… and ‘used’ that magazine.”  She grinned at the last bit.

Joel smirked.  “Maybe he hadn’ got around to it yet.  Or maybe he wanted to use those things more than once.  And you jus’ tossed that magazine outta the car after two minutes.”

“You told me to get rid of it!”

Joel blinked.  “Oh, right, I forgot.  Well, you didn’ need to be lookin’ at that shit.”

Ellie absently twirled a white bishop across the board.  “Yeah, well, I bet if there were naked girls in there, you wouldn’t’ve made me do that,” she said knowingly.  “You woulda said, ‘Ellie, go ahead and put that safely in my backpack so I can _read_ it after you fall asleep!’”

“I would not!” Joel protested, trying not to smile.  He almost tossed back a snarky comment, but decided to hold his tongue.  This wasn’t a subject he even cared to joke about with her; it was too damn awkward.  The way she tried to lower the pitch of her voice to imitate him was kind of adorable, though.

“Whatever.  I guess poor Bill just has to use his imagination now.  If he doesn’t have like ten more of those under his bed,” Ellie snickered.  Then she looked at Joel inquisitively.

 _Don’t ask me something_ , he pleaded silently.  Best not to give her the chance.  “Well, it’s almos’ time for the movies to start.  We should go check that out.  Meet more kids your age you can hang out with.”

“Um… okay.  I don’t know if I’ll feel like staying… I do wanna try some of that popped corn, that smells good.”

Hmm, was she a little apprehensive?  Ellie had seemed eager enough in the past to spend time with kids her own age, at least in theory.  Maybe just shy about meeting strangers.  Joel reckoned she’d get over that soon enough, personable kid that she was.  She’d probably be friends with every teenager in town before the week was out. 

Joel led Ellie over to the movie rooms.  Whiteboards mounted next to each declared the title, rating, and leads of the movie to be shown inside.  The door to the room for younger kids was closed, with a movie already underway.  Tommy had said the children’s movies were supervised, and the other rooms only surveyed perfunctorily from time to time by one of the librarians.  An indistinct blend of voices young and old drifted out from two other open doors.  An old-fashioned red popcorn trolley stood against the wall.  The table next to it offered a large cooler with a spigot for water, a stack of large plastic bowls, and a few little red and white striped boxy containers designed to resemble popcorn bags.  Joel grabbed one of those, opened the glass door, and scooped out the fluffiest pieces he could find.  He handed the container to Ellie and awaited the verdict.  He’d never been a big fan of popcorn himself, but he found it sad that Ellie and lots of other kids -- even young adults –- had never even tasted it before.

She ate a piece tentatively.  “Hmm.  Weird,” she said as she shoved a handful in her mouth.

Joel sampled a piece from her ‘bag’.  Not bad.  He probably would have added more salt back in the day, maybe a little of that fake butter crap.  He’d grown accustomed to plainer fare in the past couple decades.  Ellie ate another handful.  “Easy.  Save some for the movie,” he advised with a chuckle.

Joel wandered over to the doorway of the teens’ room.  Inside, perched on a tall entertainment stand against the opposite wall, was a large flat-screen TV.  He figured it was at least 60 inches.  There was an open area in the center of the room, and several couches arranged in a V shape on either side of that.  There were blankets, pillows, and thermoses scattered about.  Nine or ten young people (teenagers or possibly early twenties) were lounging around, some on sofas and some sprawled out on the floor, some tossing popcorn at others, all of them chattering loudly.  Tommy had said the age groupings were merely suggestions, not hard and fast rules, but Joel couldn’t imagine wanting to watch a movie in there with that rowdy bunch, not even for a title that interested him.  He felt acutely aware of his age.

Ellie glanced inside the room, then drifted over to the other doorway.  Joel joined her and found a much different scene inside that room.  Probably about thirty people, ages ranging from twenties to sixties or seventies.  No one sat on the floor.  No one was throwing popcorn.  The volume of the conversation was a bit lower.

“Do you wanna watch either of these movies?” asked Ellie, happily munching on her popcorn. 

Joel read the whiteboard in front of him: _The Bridges of Madison County._ He hadn’t even looked to see what the teens were watching -- not that he needed to.  “Uh, no.  This one’s definitely what they call a ‘chick flick.’  I think my mother liked it.”

Ellie walked over to the other board.  “And _Clueless_?  You see that one?” 

Joel racked his brain for a moment.  Alicia Silverstone… Stacey Dash… Brittany Murphy -- she died before the outbreak, didn’t she?  The others were probably all dead now as well.  That was a lovely thought.  “Don’ think so.  If I did, I don’ remember it.  I was a kid when that came out.  You go on, I’ll wait for you out here.”  Something caught Ellie’s eye and Joel turned to follow her gaze.  A boy was approaching them.  Mid-to-late teens, tall-ish, lanky.

The kid stopped near the teen room doorway and smiled crookedly at Ellie.  “Hey, Ellie.  You watchin’ the movie?”

“Hey.  I dunno… have you seen it?  Is it good?”  Ellie took a step towards the other teen.

“Yep, saw it last year.  It’s kinda funny.  I think it was like, _really_ funny, when it was new, but half the jokes don’t make sense now.  Some of the girls love it.  They go around quoting it and stuff.  They go ‘as IF!’ and ~whateverrrr~” The boy made the ‘W’ with his fingers -- yeah, Joel vaguely remembered that, from a lifetime ago -- and Ellie laughed.

For some reason, Joel hadn’t really made the connection earlier… that if there were other teenagers in the town, there were teenage _boys_ in the town.  Teenage boys with raging hormones who would be attracted to a cute girl like Ellie.  Suddenly he was grateful that she was wearing such a big, baggy sweatshirt.  _It can’t hide her pretty eyes, though.  Or that smile._

“Joel, this is Jacob.  Jacob, Joel.”  There was Ellie, being polite again.  The kid mumbled ‘hey’ and smiled at Joel, all friendly-like.  Joel nodded in acknowledgment but didn’t force himself to return the smile.  “I met him on the farm today,” Ellie explained.  “He helped me groom Spirit.”

“It’s cool that _someone_ likes riding that crazy horse,” said the boy with a chuckle.  He stepped into the room and gestured for Ellie to join him.  “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

Ellie looked back at Joel.  “You don’t mind?”

“No, but… c’mere a sec first.”  He glared a warning at the kid, who appeared to be oblivious to it.  _The innocent act don’t fool me, boy._

“I’ll save you a seat,” said the little bundle of hormones before disappearing into the room.

Joel took a few steps back from the doorway so passersby wouldn’t overhear them.  Ellie followed and looked at him expectantly while continuing to devour her popcorn.

“You sure you wanna go in there?” Joel asked her gently.  “You don’t have to.”

Ellie nodded.  “I know.”

Joel looked at her a long moment.  ”Alright then.  I’m gonna find a book or somethin’ to look at an’ I’ll be right out here.  If that boy… if you feel uncomfortable at all, you jus’—“

Ellie interrupted him.  “No, it’s not like that!  He’s Annie’s boyfriend!”

Annie’s boyfriend.  Like that meant he wouldn’t be looking at Ellie and thinking… shit that Joel wished no one would think about his girl.  Joel sighed.  “It don’ matter whose boyfriend he is, he’s still a boy.” _With hands.  Hands that will be tempted to wander in the dark, especially if concealed by a blanket.  I know, because I used to be one._

“Joel.  It’s fine.  He’s nice.  I’m not going to be _uncomfortable_.”  Her tone was rather patronizing.  She really had no idea… “And in case you hadn’t noticed, there’s lots of other people in there.” 

Oh, he’d noticed.  That boy might not be the only one he had to worry about.  “You still got your gun on ya?”

“Oh my God.  YES” –- she twisted a bit and patted the bulge at her hip, hidden by the sweatshirt -- “but I’m not going to need it.  You’re being so silly.  Actually –- I don’t want it.  It’s gonna bug me if I wanna lean on that side.  And if you’re right out here I feel safe anyways.  Here.”  She thrust it at him.

Joel sighed.  Truthfully, he couldn’t imagine Ellie whipping out her gun in reaction to a boy getting a little frisky (although he couldn’t say the same of himself).  It wouldn’t come to that; she could assert herself.  And the presence of the other kids might deter the shmuck from persevering and risking an ugly scene.  Unless they ganged up on her… they could be plotting something right now…

“Look.” Ellie interrupted his nasty thoughts and pointed to the door.  “See how the doors have windows on the top?  You can look in there every five minutes if you want.  You’ll see me sitting there watching the movie.  In no kind of mortal peril whatsoever.”

Joel still didn’t like it.  Why the hell had he encouraged her to do this?  And was she going to want to come back night after night -- an endless string of nights like this where Joel would have to worry about boys and their hands?  There were other girls in there… where were their parents?  Didn’t they care what might happen?  Didn’t they see all those goddamn blankets?

“And it’s not like those rooms are sound-proof or anything,” Ellie continued.  “You could hear me scream.  Not that I would, but if I did.  Good thing it’s not a horror movie, huh!”

Joel sighed.  “Fine.  But it’ll be dark in there… if you wanna leave at any time, we’ll leave.”

Ellie smiled in triumph, pleased that she had successfully reassured him -- or so she thought.  “It won’t be totally dark cuz the movie’ll be on, and it’s… different.  There’s a bunch of people around.  I’ll be okay.  Oh here, you can have the rest of this.  Seeya later!”  She left him with the dregs of her popcorn and bounced off into the den of doom.

Only yesterday he’d had _real_ enemies to protect her from, and that didn’t unnerve him nearly so much as this.  Did those ‘real’ enemies scare him?  Hell yes.  One wrong move, one missed shot, one second’s hesitation, and you could be dead.  The number of close calls they’d had on their journey made Joel’s head spin.  But at least those enemies were obvious.  Infected didn’t smile at you and act nice and make you think they were your friend.  No -- if you saw one, you knew right away what it was and that it had to be killed, and you took care of business. There was a simplicity to it.

Joel took her up on that offer of looking through the window every five minutes.  He looked in once before the door closed as well, to scrutinize every kid in the room.  He realized he was probably going a little overboard, but… fuck, he couldn’t help it.  Even though she wasn’t facing the door, Ellie always caught him looking in, and she always smiled at him to let him know all was well.  At least she was still vigilant, aware of her environment even during a movie.

That kid Jacob noticed him looking once, too.  _Good.  Should make the fucker think twice._   Joel couldn’t be completely certain that there were no blanket shenanigans going on.  It looked like Jacob and Ellie were sharing a large one across their laps -- sitting a respectable distance apart, but close enough that he could touch her if he wanted to.

Joel knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on reading now so he simply parked himself nearby in a ratty but comfortable overstuffed chair.  What was it he’d wanted to talk to Ellie about tonight?  Something awkward, probably.  Something he didn’t really want to think about that he hoped would magically take care of itself on its own.  _Great parenting, Joel._

There was so much to consider, now that they had more to worry about than merely staying alive and making it to their next destination.  Just watching Ellie talk to a teenage boy had triggered a slew of unwelcome thoughts.  Joel didn’t even want to entertain the possibility that someday Ellie might actually _want_ some jerk’s disgusting hands crawling over her… his mouth on her… it made him sick to his stomach.  Hopefully that was a long ways off –- years.  She was so young.  But… not _that_ young, Joel had to admit.  And he had no idea how much she knew about the proverbial ‘birds and the bees.’  Luckily for him, she already knew how to take care of… female problems, when they set out on the road last year.  Where she learned this stuff, Joel didn’t know.  Other kids?  School?  He knew she’d grown up without a mom.  Oh, right –- Marlene had been there for her.  The stupid cunt may have passed along some womanly wisdom back in the days before she wanted to kill Ellie.  But how much?  And how would the shit that went down with that fucking asshole David affect her?

Joel remembered that he’d wanted to look for a book about PTSD.  He wasn’t inclined to stray far enough from this area to search for one now.  And Ellie seemed to be doing alright here in Jackson so far.  She hadn’t had any panic attacks today.  That girl Annie appeared to be a suitable companion, and Ellie liked her.  She seemed to really enjoy riding that horse; apparently what had happened with Callus hadn’t turned her off of that…

Even when absorbed in his thoughts, Joel too remained aware of his surroundings.  He turned and saw Tommy striding across the room towards him, looking grim.

_Shit, what now?_


	8. Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Joel stood up as Tommy drew closer to him.  “What is it?”

“Sit down, we jus’ need to talk.”  Tommy sat in the chair opposite him, leaning forward with his forearms over his knees, frowning at Joel.

 _Fuck._ Joel slowly sank back into his chair.  “I thought we got all our talkin’ done this mornin’,” he said warily.

“Not about that.  About Ellie and that gun of hers.  Did you know she threatened a young boy with it today?  Two boys, actually.”

Joel’s frown mirrored his brother’s.  Ellie had conveniently forgotten to mention that when she recited her day for him.  “No, I didn’t.  How young?  What happened?”

“Thirteen an’ fourteen.  The fourteen-year-old’s mother came an’ told me about it.  She’s worried her son might be traumatized from it, and she thinks you all shouldn’ be allowed to carry guns around here.  I told her you’d talk to Ellie about it and make sure it would never happen again.  But you know, I reckon she might have a point.”

“But what the hell _happened_?  Ellie wouldn’ do that unprovoked.”

“You sure?  How well do you really know this girl, Joel?  She ain’—“

“I know her better’n anyone else does,” he grumbled.  Jesus Christ, he did not want to have to try to explain their relationship over and over.  He couldn’t help feeling defensive of Ellie, even if she’d done something wrong.  “You still haven’t told me what happened.  What Mom says happened, anyway.”

“According to his mom, Ellie an’ that girl she met on the farm today, Annie, were ridin’ their horses through town, and her boy A.J. was in the Square, hangin’ out with a friend of his.  They were mindin’ their own business, goofin’ off some like boys do, an’ it had nothin’ to do with those girls.  Ellie comes up and starts braggin’ about how many men she’s killed and waves her gun around sayin’ she’ll kill them too if they piss her off.  They were scared shitless an’ they took off.  A.J. heard Ellie laughin’ like it was real funny.”

Joel wasn’t buying it.  “Oh, come on.  Ellie wouldn’ do that outta the blue.”

Tommy leaned back and threw his hands up.  “All I know is what Gina told me.  Ellie’s side is prob’ly a little different, sure.  Regardless, she can’t go around scarin’ people like that.  Even if the boys said somethin’ that made her mad.  You get that, right?”

Tommy had seen Joel’s temper get the best of him more than anyone else on the planet.  “Yes, I get that,” he said irritably.  “I’ll talk to her.  But she _has_ to have a gun.  I can’t be with her all the time.”

“Shit, Joel, what do you think is gonna happen?  She’s safe here.  Things have calmed down out there as far as raids go.  No one’s gonna get past the dam anyhow an’ that’s the most attacked side of town, by far.  It’s been over a year since anyone even got in on the west side, an’ that was only ‘cause it was an unusual situation.”

“Over a year, but it _has_ happened,” Joel pointed out.  He didn’t care what the unusual situation was.  The fact was, shit happened.  “I’m not jus’ thinkin’ about Outside.  She’s a girl, and there are men here.  And you prob’ly think you have a perfect little town… from what I’ve seen so far, I think yeah, it’s pretty nice.  But people are fucked up, Tommy.  Maybe they seem nice enough to you an’ behind your back they’re really evil as shit.  Or they can be nice one minute, then snap the next.”

Tommy snorted.  “That’s exactly my point.  If someone’s gonna go batshit, I’d rather ‘em not have a gun in their hands.  And that includes you an’ Ellie.  I understand you’ve been through a lot so I’m willin’ to be lenient some.  After you’ve been here a while an’ see it’s safe, you can leave the guns at home, only carry ‘em where needed.”

“So if someone does go batshit, we just have to be happy they can’t shoot us,” Joel snorted.  He wasn’t worried about himself so much as Ellie.  He’d beaten plenty of men to death.  Strangled them with his bare hands.  He definitely felt more comfortable when armed, but he could still handle a situation if he wasn’t.  Ellie, however… she didn’t have even a fraction of his physical strength.  She needed to be able to protect herself, preferably from far enough away that no one could overpower her -- and that pretty much meant a gun.

“It ain’t the perfect solution.” Well, at least Tommy could see that.  “We do let plenty o’ folks keep weapons in their homes.  Not everyone.  We have to observe ‘em a while first.  An’ they have to prove they’re responsible enough.  Some folks don’ care, they’re content to let the militia do their job.  Some have young kids and don’ want guns at home on account o’ that.  Guns can make people nervous.  Another reason not to have ‘em floatin’ around town all willy nilly.  Anyway, we’ve had hardly any trouble since puttin’ the no-carry rule in place.”

“And before that, I take it you had trouble?”

Tommy nodded.  “We did.  And Joel, I ain’t proud of it, but… I was part of that trouble.  One of the incidents, anyway.”

His sensible, compassionate, peace-loving brother had actually _caused_ a problem with violence?  Joel quirked an eyebrow.  “No shit?”

“I’ll tell you about it some time.  Maybe over a beer or two.”  Joel was curious as hell but he could see Tommy clearly wasn’t inclined to spill now.  “I don’ wanna ride your ass about the gun thing, I really don’t.  Please jus’ don’t gimme a reason to.”

“And I don’ care to have my ass ridden.  I’ll talk to her when we get home.” 

“I appreciate it.  And you know, this ain’t a dictatorship.  We talk about shit like this at the town meetings.  You’re welcome to come –- in fact, I encourage you to come… get to know some of the people here… you can bring up the gun issue if you want.  Some folks’ll bitch that the subject’s been beaten to death, but you’re welcome to.”

Joel didn’t really see the point in raising the subject at a meeting.  As long as he and Ellie were armed, the rest of the town could go to hell for all he cared.  He glanced at the movie door.  It had probably been at least ten minutes since he last peeked in.  “Tommy… what do you know about the kids in this town?  The teenagers?  They seem like good kids to you?”

Tommy pondered a moment.  “Uh… yeah, I s’pose, generally speakin’.  They’re not all angels or nothin’, but not bad.  Some of ‘em we know better than others.  Maria tries to help out some o’ the girls with their problems.  Boy trouble an’ such.”

Joel’s eyes narrowed.  “What kind of boy trouble?”

“I don’ know, Joel, I try to stay outta all that bullshit!” said Tommy with a chuckle.

Joel sighed.  “You have no idea?  Do they pressure the girls to have sex?  Date rape?  Shit like that?”

“Rape?  No no, not that I know of.”  Tommy frowned.  “Maria would tell me if somethin’ like that happened.  As for sex… I’m sure it happens.  Maybe some of the boys kinda push the girls into it.  I would assume some of ‘em do, yeah.  Jus’ like when we were kids.  But the boys could prob’ly complain plenty about the girls, too.  They’re jus’ not so likely to cry into Maria’s shoulder about it, know what I mean?”

“Right.  So, what do you know about this kid Jacob?”

“Jacob… we have three Jacobs.  You must mean the seventeen-year-old.  Lives with his eleven-year-old sister… or maybe she’s twelve now… they’ve been here a couple years.  I never knew his mom, she got infected so it was jus’ them an’ his dad… Dad’s gone now too, he got killed on a scavenger mission shortly after they got here.  Jacob, he’s seein’ that girl Annie.  He likes workin’ on the farm… an’ he’s got some mechanical aptitude too, he’s been helpful repairin’ appliances, and up at the dam--“

“So he’s a good kid?” Joel interrupted impatiently.  He didn’t need the boy’s whole life story.

“Yeah.  Sure.  There some love triangle goin’ on with him’n’Ellie’n’Annie or somethin’?” he teased.

Joel grimaced.  “No.  I won’ let Ellie get involved in anythin’ like that.”

Tommy laughed.  “You gonna control her love life?  Wait –- you’re not even gonna let her _have_ a love life! Right?  Poor girl -- stuck with your ass forever, is she?”

His little brother could be so infuriating sometimes.  “Fuck you, Tommy.  Of course she can date.”

“Sure she can.  But over your dead body, right?”  Tommy grinned. 

“Glad you’re amusing yourself with these brilliant observations o’ yours.”

“I gotta give you shit.  Haven’ been able to do it for years now.”

Joel chuckled.  It _was_ kind of funny, the way Joel had assumed the stereotypical overprotective father role of this girl he didn’t even know existed a year ago.  He didn’t want Tommy to realize his little jokes were actually spot on, though.  “Well, I don’ need shit, what I need is…”  What _did_ he need?  Advice?  Somehow he didn’t think he’d want to hear anything his brother had to say about this.

“You want me to fix up Ellie with some nice young kid?  I could do that.  Hell, it’ll be easy, I can jus’ invite him’n’his family over for dinner some night—“

“NO.”  That was the last thing Joel wanted!  “No matchmaking.  No puttin’ ideas in her head like that… she don’ need to be worryin’ about boys right now.  She’s been through hell.  She jus’ needs to be a kid.”

“That’s prob’ly true enough.”  Tommy looked at him thoughtfully.  “But _you_ , on the other hand… how long’s it been since you had a woman?  I’m sure if I think about it I could find you some nice—“

“NO!”  _Christ!_   That was the second-to-last thing Joel wanted.  He glared at Tommy, not the least bit amused now.  “Get that thought outta your head right now, Tommy, I’m warnin’ you.”

“Okay, okay, take it easy.  Shit.  Maybe jus’ keep it in mind for the future then.  I’m tellin’ you, this fucked-up world is a whole lot easier to take when you got somebody by your side.”

 _I know it is.  I have Ellie._ Joel kept that to himself, though, because he knew his brother would say it wasn’t the same thing.  Like he knew all about it.  _He doesn’t know shit about Ellie and me.  No one does._

* * *

 

 

Joel needn’t have fretted so much about movie night; it turned out to be a grope-free, uneventful affair.  On the walk home, Ellie asked Joel all kinds of fun questions.  Like did rich people really have moving clothes racks in their closets and computers that matched things for them, did Joel go to parties with dancing and drinking and drugs and some game called ‘suck and blow,’ did people say ‘I’m outty,’ and on and on.  The pop culture references predictably went over their heads –- how could they not? –- except for the ones some kids knew, or _said_ they knew, from old fogeys like Joel telling them after a previous viewing.  Ellie said she wanted to watch it again with Joel some time so he could explain things to her, and he teased her about spoiling the whole thing for him already.  Which was bullshit, because he couldn’t assemble any sort of plot out of the jumble of questions she fired at him.

Now Joel sat on the couch in his pajamas (well, jammy pants and tank top) and waited for Ellie to finish getting ready for bed.  The room felt rather toasty with the help of the space heater Joel had procured from the ‘warehouse’ earlier that day.  He’d meant to use it in the bedroom, but Ellie thought that would make it too hot in there.  Their blood had probably thickened some after all the cold they’d endured.  _Or maybe she prefers body heat…_ He leaned over and switched it off.

Ellie emerged from the bathroom wearing the long nightgown Maria had given her and… bunny slippers?

“What the fuck are those?”

Ellie grinned and plopped down next to him on the couch, extending her fuzzy pink slipper-clad feet for Joel to admire.  “Aren’t they great?  They’re really comfy, too.  I could prob’ly get you a pair.  We could match!”

“Wouldn’ that be adorable,” Joel grumbled.

“Yes it would!  Glad you think so too.  I’m on it!”

Joel hated to be a killjoy here, and he would have been content to fall into bed right now, but he had to talk to her, and it was either now or first thing in the morning… and Ellie had mentioned wanting to get down to the farm early.  Maria had given them each an ancient clock radio alarm.  The radio was just static, of course, but the beeping alarms still worked.  Joel had plugged his in next to the couch to keep up appearances.  “Ellie… we gotta talk about somethin’.” 

Ellie noticed the radio and frowned.  “Why did you plug that in?  What… you’re sleeping out here now?”

“No, but remember, you and I are the only ones who _know_ I’m not sleeping out here.”

“Oh right.  All the visitors we’ll have over here… someone might notice.  Uh-huh.”

“You never know who might come by,” Joel pointed out.  And wouldn’t his brother have a field day if he knew…

“I guess.  Gotta keep our dirty little secret!” Ellie smirked.

Joel winced.  “Do _not_ call it that.  It’s bad enough I’m doin’ it in the first place.”

Immediately she was contrite.  “It’s not bad!  I’m sorry.  I’m making you do it, it’s not your fault.”

Joel sighed.  “You’re not makin’ me do anythin’.  That’s not what I wanted to talk about…”  He paused, trying to remember what he’d practiced in his head.

“Are you gonna tell me why you lied to me?” she asked quietly.

 _Oh God.  Not now, I can’t do this.  Not yet.  Not ever._   “I didn’ lie to you,” he lied feebly.

“Yes you did.  You said nothing was going on at dinner, even though you were totally acting weird and then you and Tommy and Maria went outside.”

Joel relaxed a little.  Oh, _that._   The ‘aftershock lie’.  “It’s nothin’ for you to worry about.  What we talked about was of no concern to you.”

“If it concerns _you_ , it concerns _me._   No matter what it is.”

Joel wasn’t going to go around in circles with her about this.  Time to get to the matter at hand.  “Ellie, you wanna tell me about the incident this afternoon where you threatened a couple boys with your gun?”

“What?”  Ellie gasped.  “Is that what that meeting was about?  Were you guys deciding what to do about… wait, without even asking _me_ what happened?”

Joel hadn’t expected her to connect this to the dinner thing, but that was pretty damn convenient, actually.  He could certainly let her believe it.  “I’m asking you now.”

“How did you hear about it?”

“I shoulda heard about it from _you._   I want you to tell me this shit, Ellie.  I wanna know everythin’, the good and the bad.”

“So who told you?”

 _This is going to fucking take all night._ “Tommy.  One of the boys told his mom an’ she complained.”

“What a fucking pussy!” cried Ellie, outraged.  “He tattled to his _mommy_?  Which one told?”

So much for the tiny hope that Ellie might have been wrongly accused.  “It don’ matter which one.  So it’s true then?  You threatened this kid an’ his friend?”

Ellie squirmed a little.  “Well, yeah, kinda… it wasn’t a threat, exactly.  But Joel, they totally deserved it!  Did the asswipe tell his mommy the shit he said before that?”

“Whatever he said, you don’ go pullin’ your gun on people, Ellie!  That is definitely a threat, no matter what words you used.  Unless you’re in physical danger, which you apparently were not, you can’t go around--“

“Wait, wait.  What?  That’s bullshit.  I didn’t pull out my gun.  I never touched it!”

“You… didn’t?”  Joel wondered if she was lying… he was pretty sure he’d be able to tell if she was.  He looked at her intently.  “Why would he say that you did?”

“Well, I did sorta act like I _might_.  They saw I had a gun on me and I let my hand like, hover by it…”

“And?  You threatened them?”

“Not exactly.  I just let them think that if they got me any more pissed off I might shoot them.”

Joel groaned.  At least he knew she was telling him the truth.  “And were you gloating about how many people you’ve killed?”

She looked down at the floor and nodded, looking quite miserable.  Joel hated seeing her like that, and part of him wanted to take her in his arms and tell her it was okay.  But he suspected that wasn’t what he was supposed to do here.

He did put a hand on her shoulder, though, and spoke to her in a gentler tone.  “Can you tell me why?  Why did you act like that?”

“I don’t know,” she mumbled.  She glanced up at him.  “I mean… I know why –- they were assholes.  Joel, they really were.  Annie was just going to ignore them, just let them say whatever… like it was okay.  I couldn’t do that.  I had to stick up for her.  So then they started on me and I couldn’t help it.  Joel, I swear, if you were there, if you heard them, you woulda shot them.  At least the one doing most of the talking.  I’m not even gonna tell you what they said, you’d get mad.”

Joel sighed.  “You really think I’d shoot a couple of unarmed kids?”

“These kids?  Fuck yes.”

Joel wasn’t sure how to feel about that.  Did Ellie think he was a monster?  Or maybe the boys were truly little monsters.  Ellie was a tough kid; he knew she could stand a little teasing, so it must have been pretty obnoxious.  “I wouldn’t have.  We are _done_ with shooting every person we see.”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “I know that.  But they were total shitheads.”

“Be that as it may, I need you to promise me you’re not gonna use the gun to bully people no more.”

“I wasn’t bullying!  _They_ were the bullies!  Oh my God.  Why are you taking their side?  Aren’t you supposed to be on _my_ side?”  She got up and strode angrily across the room to the kitchen.

“It’s not about taking sides.”  He followed her.  Stood awkwardly behind her.  “And I’m not gonna tell you you shoulda ignored them.  You tell ‘em to fuck off an’ leave you alone, then you go on your merry way.”

“And if they don’t leave me alone?” Ellie said angrily, whirling around to face him, a challenge in her tone.

Joel thought about that.  “Then you tell me and I’ll take care of it.”

“How?  How would you take care of it, Joel?”

 _By beating the shit out of the little brats._ “I wouldn’ shoot ‘em.”

“What _would_ you do, then?”  She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.  She was angry, sure, but she didn’t look very menacing in those bunny slippers.  Joel tried to keep them out of his line of sight for fear of _really_ pissing her off by laughing.

“I would talk to them.”  Joel tried to imagine this.  If they were tormenting Ellie, he was far more likely to ‘talk’ to them with his fists, but he didn’t want Ellie to do the same.  Maybe just one lazy half-assed stomach punch would do it.  No real damage done, it would just hurt like hell and make the kids think twice about bothering her... although he’d undoubtedly have to deal with another lecture from his baby brother.

Ellie snorted.  Her hands dropped to her hips.  “You’re such a liar.  Okay, so what would you say?”

“I’d… tell ‘em to fuck off.”

Now she laughed.  “And then you would threaten them somehow.  I know you would.  And if one of them looked at you with that fucking stupid cocky smirk on his face you’d clock him.”

Joel sighed.  She might be right, which meant it was time to shut the hell up.  He put his hands on her arms and looked at her earnestly.  “Jus’ don’ use that gun to scare people anymore.  Please, Ellie.  I think we might really like it here.  It’d be a damn shame to have to go out on our own an’ fend for ourselves again.”

She looked at him wide-eyed.  “Were they going to kick me out of town cuz of that?”

He let his arms fall back to his sides.  “No.  But Tommy’s already bendin’ the rules by lettin’ you carry that gun.  I reckon he’s gettin’ some flak for that from people already.  If this kinda shit keeps happenin’… maybe he’ll decide it’s best if we leave.”

“But he’s your brother!”

“Don’ matter.  I told you, me’n’him ain’t exactly been close in a long time.  And if Maria’s the one really wearin’ the pants here, she don’ know me from Adam.”

Ellie padded over to the bedroom dejectedly.  “Whatever, Joel.  Next time some asshole harasses me, I won’t do a fucking thing.  I’ll just sit there and take it and let him say and do whatever he wants to me.”

 _Oh for fuck’s sake!_   “That’s not what I said!”  Joel hated it when Ellie got sulky.  Sometimes she acted so mature, he nearly forgot she was still a kid.  Shit like this reminded him quickly enough.

He sank into a dining chair, leaned on the table with his head in his hands, and tried to think.  What else could he say to her?  What was he supposed to do?  And if she’s pissed at him did that mean he wasn’t welcome in the bedroom now?  Maybe that was a good thing.  It was wrong, sleeping next to a little girl.  And that’s what she was –- a little girl.  He should take this opportunity to get them both used to sleeping independently.  Yeah, that’s what he’d do.  He’d give her some space to cool off and maybe address that last comment in the morning… he was sure she was just being petulant, but just in case she wasn’t…

“You comin’ to bed?” called Ellie from the bedroom.

She still wanted him there.  Joel’s heart skipped a beat.  He went to the doorway… it was mostly dark in there, the room lit only from whatever spilled in from the hall, but he could see she was under the blanket, laying on her side with her elbow propped on the pillow, on the far side of the bed, facing him.  Looking at him sweetly like nothing had happened.  He felt stupidly nervous.  “If… you want me to?”

“Of course I want you to.”

“All right then.”  Joel switched off the lamp and fumbled his way into the bedroom.  The clock radio’s digits glowed a soft red; it wasn’t good light to see by, but would probably serve adequately as the night light he’d been considering.  Joel laid down on his back, a respectable distance from her.  Surprisingly, a damn strong urge to touch her welled up inside of him.  It wasn’t sexual, of course, he just… wanted to feel the warmth of her body against his.  He shouldn’t have touched her last night.  They’d fallen asleep in that spooning position, but during the night he’d rolled back over to his side of the bed, and when he’d woken up, she was sleeping on hers.  That’s how it should be.  If he was going to be enough of a pedophile to share a bed with her, it didn’t mean they had to have physical contact.  All she needed was to know he was nearby.  _Very_ nearby, not in the next room.  _That’s all I need too,_ he reminded himself.

But then she scooted up against his side and put her head on his chest, and his arm naturally moved around her back to accommodate her.

“Your heart’s beating really fast,” Ellie observed.  Joel wished he could slow it down with sheer mind control.  _Christ, this is so fucking wrong._   “Can you pet my hair like you did last night?  That felt nice.”

Joel couldn’t exactly push her away.  She wouldn’t understand.  It would hurt her feelings and then they’d have to talk for who knows how much longer.  No, he was stuck.  Forced into pedophilia to keep the peace.  He obligingly began to gently stroke her hair.

“You sure you wanna get up at six?” he asked her; he’d taught her how to set the alarm when they got home.  “It’s goin’ on eleven now.”

“Yep!  I wanna milk the cows.  I was just starting to get the hang of it at the end.  There’s a knack to it, you can’t just yank on their tits any which way.”

“Their _teats,_ ” Joel corrected, trying to suppress a laugh.

“Er… yeah, teats.  Same thing!  So I guess it’s like that with girls, too, huh.  Gotta have the knack?”

“Ellie…” Joel said warningly.  Why did she have to say things like that?

“What?  I’m just sayin’.  You have to squeeze a certain way… white stuff shoots out… okay so it’s probably more like giving a handjob, actually.  Ha!”

“Ellie!”  Joel froze.  He did _not_ want to think about Ellie doing _that_ to some little jerk.  Another image popped unbidden into his head, of Ellie’s hand straying from his chest to… _FUCK!_ Jesus fucking Christ, he really _was_ a pervert!  And he’d better knock it off before his body _really_ started to betray him.  He shoved the disgusting thought into the nether regions of his brain where, with any luck, he’d never have to think it again.  Ellie was laughing… it was the closest thing he’d heard to a giggle, coming from her.  At least it helped his fucked-up brain to remember that she was only a child. “Do you want me to go sleep in the other room?”

“No!  No, I’ll shut up.  Keep doing my hair.  Please.”

Joel resumed the hair-stroking and sighed.  “Jus’ try an’ get some sleep now.”

She yawned and settled herself more cozily against him.  “’k. Good night, Joel,” she murmured drowsily.

“Good night, baby girl.”  Joel forced his thoughts to Sarah; there was no way he could get any nasty ideas then (and, thanks to whatever miracle Ellie had worked on him, it was no longer unbearable to remember his daughter).  He used to snuggle with Sarah at times, and he’d never had any such thoughts.  She’d been younger than Ellie, but still.  When exactly had he become a lecherous old man?  _Ellie ain’t your daughter.  -_ No, that was the part of his brain he couldn’t listen to right now –- the part that made excuses for him.  Ellie _was_ his daughter in every way that mattered.

Another thought came to him, and while he didn’t like it, at least it wasn’t dirty -- maybe Tommy was right:  maybe he should try to find a lady friend.  Not anything serious, mind you, but someone to… take the edge off.  Satisfy him in a way Ellie could not, and thus, keep him from becoming the very thing he needed to protect her from.  Joel knew he wasn’t husband material, or anything that a woman would want if she was after more than sex.  Tess was proof of that; on paper, the two of them were tailor-made for each other, but in reality, it just didn’t work, through no fault of hers.  Besides, he didn’t need or want any female in his life besides Ellie -- what woman could live with that?  And it’s not like he could spend the night with anyone else.  No, the woman would have to be the love-‘em-and-leave-‘em type.  He’d have to make that clear right up front, to the point of being a dick about it, if need be.

Or maybe he just needed to jerk off in the shower more often.  _And what might you think about when you’re doing that, you dirty old man?_...right.  Okay, so he could find someone physically attractive he could fantasize about first, or remember someone from the past… anything to keep his brain from going to that dark place.  Maybe the library had some _Playboy_ s...

Ellie was quiet, though perhaps not quite asleep yet.  He ceased petting her hair and let his hand rest on her arm.  Innocent thing that she was, she trusted him.  Holding her warm, soft body close to him, knowing she was safe and content, Joel felt a sense of peace he hadn’t felt since God knows when.  _I won’t jeopardize this.  I can fix it._


	9. Life In a Small Town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI for anyone familiar with the so-called epilogue from TLOU Live, I decided to incorporate some elements of that (in various places in the fic) without using the actual scene. For anyone curious, I would be happy to rant about my feelings on the matter, just ask :D

Joel didn’t think Tommy would appreciate an early morning visit from Ellie, so he promised her he’d find Tommy to explain her side of ‘the incident’ before he headed to work himself.  She was fine with that, but said she’d still like to talk to Tommy later.  Ellie cared about Tommy’s opinion of her; whether it was due to wanting to be accepted as part of the family or because she feared getting the boot, Joel wasn’t sure.  Maybe a bit of both.  Joel wanted to discuss it with Tommy anyway.  Tommy needed to know that that little punk either lied to his mama or, worse, she had painted him innocent to gain Tommy’s sympathy… and Joel needed to know who that mama was so he could have a word with her himself.  It turned out that Tommy didn’t like that last idea, though, and said he’d take care of it.  Joel couldn’t really blame him.  It was tough, being monkey in the middle.  Joel intended to bypass that monkey altogether in the future.   

If he wanted to handle his own problems without running to his baby brother for every little thing, he reckoned he’d better try to learn who was who.  That sort of thing was up Ellie’s alley more than his.  Fortunately for him, she showed interest in attending the next town meeting, and when he asked her if she could help him out, she was happy to oblige.  That meeting took place on the following Wednesday, in an auditorium of what used to be Jackson’s movie theater (and possibly could be again, if the techie geeks could work some magic on the old projectors).  It shattered previous attendance records, thanks to people being curious about Tommy’s mysterious brother and his young female companion.  Tommy introduced Ellie and him to the crowd, but with over a hundred citizens present, he didn’t have the crowd introduce themselves; instead, he asked everyone to kindly make their acquaintance privately when they had the opportunity.  Rumors containing varying degrees of truth had made their way around the town prior to this, and would continue to do so afterward, so it made little difference for the townsfolk to lay eyes on them in the flesh or to hear Tommy’s vague depiction of them, the way Joel saw it. 

 _“I hear you were wanted in Texas for murder PRIOR to the end of the world.  Oh, and you kidnapped me -- I have some disease called Stockholm syndrome?”_  

Such were the gems he heard from Ellie.  He didn’t give a shit what people thought, as long as it didn’t adversely affect her, and she seemed to enjoy messing with people if they asked her questions.  Joel suspected she actually fanned the flames of some of the rumors.  Since they couldn’t exactly tell anyone the truth, that was probably for the best.  Let ‘em wonder.  He and Ellie were viewed as the invasive species of their little ecosystem, but they would be old news soon, and it couldn’t be soon enough for Joel.  He didn’t like the way people stared at them.  A few of the people, anyway.  The ones dumb enough to believe the most ridiculous rumors, perhaps.  All it took was a glare from Joel or Ellie for them to knock it off, at least.  Tommy, Mr. Give Peace A Chance, advised that it would be more helpful if they smiled back at those folks instead of reinforcing their fears.  _Smile_ at the fuckers?  Fuck that.

Joel was glad that Ellie had the self-assurance of someone older.  Unlike a lot of teenagers, she knew there was no point in trying to make everyone like her.  She was friendly enough, and most likely made more of an effort to make friends than Joel did himself.  Joel resisted the urge to tell people to go to hell from time to time, and he thought that was enough of a concession on his part.  It’s not like he was hostile to everyone.  And he would need to be extra friendly to one person…

Finding a fuckbuddy in Jackson was easier said than done.  Maybe if Joel  _cared_  a little more to look... his game was rusty as hell, for sure, but he’d caught some of the women checking him out.  Some of them were rather flirty, even.  Joel just couldn’t force himself to pull the trigger.  It didn’t help that it was impossible to determine a woman’s marital status by looking at her left hand.  Some married folks had rings, most did not.  Hell, most of them, if not all of them, weren’t even legally married.  They could have the ceremony and all… there was a guy who served as an honorary marriage officiant… it made it feel real enough, and in the absence of a legitimate legal system, that’s all that mattered.  Whether a potential friend-with-benefits was married or not, though, there was still the problem of the town being so goddamn small.  It wasn’t like he could stroll into a bar, buy a lady a few drinks, spend the night with her, and then never see her again, repeat as needed.

Joel wasn’t about to share his intentions with Ellie, of course.  She didn’t need to know, and he wasn’t sure she’d like it if she did.  One time, when the gal on laundry duty made a not-so-subtle comment about being happy to handle some of his garments… even Ellie couldn’t help but notice.  She said she thought the woman was creepy, and Joel had started to joke about her being sexy rather than creepy, but his gut told him Ellie wouldn’t take kindly to that (and besides, it wasn’t even true).  Ellie got real quiet afterwards, though that could have been for a different reason.  The girl did have her moods.  He didn’t see why his love life should matter to her, as long as it didn’t interfere with their time together, but he wasn’t keen to discuss other women with her anyway.

For the whole month of May, they weren’t on any of the ‘official’ schedules that Maria and company cooked up monthly, and that afforded them great flexibility with their time.  Once Ellie saw what the library had to offer, she was torn between wanting to work there and down at Annie’s farm.  Sometimes she worked mornings at one and afternoons at the other.  Kids were never given library duty, but once that Paige lady showed Ellie the cataloguing project they were working on, Ellie asked if she could help.  It was slow-going, as many of the books proved too tempting for Ellie to resist flipping through, but it’s not like there was any reason to hurry.  They had all the time in the world now.

Ellie sure did love being on the farm, though.  It was springtime, and that meant baby animals.  She nearly got to witness a horse, and later, a goat, giving birth… but in the end, she was too squeamish to watch either.  It wasn’t the blood and gore –- she’d certainly been desensitized enough to _that_ in the past year -- she just didn’t like seeing the mothers in distress.  Like a lot of kids, though, she loved seeing the resulting babies, and helping to name them.

Joel didn’t need to feel out different things to know what he was good at and what sort of work he enjoyed.  Taking orders from his little brother was bound to grate on his nerves; fortunately, Tommy didn’t work with him all that often.  There was another guy serving as foreman, and Joel got along with him fine.  Carpentry in Jackson had its challenges, namely the limited choice of materials and tools, but it had its upsides too –- soft deadlines, no payment issues, no bullshit disputes, and much easier hours.  It felt good to put in an honest day’s work, to ache from something other than killing people.

Most afternoons, Ellie took Spirit out for a run, even if she wasn’t working on the farm that day.  Joel joined her once… then met Annie’s mom, Esther, which led to him and Ellie staying for dinner.  That was a pleasant evening, and everyone agreed it should become a regular thing.  It gave Joel and Tommy a break from each other (not that he didn’t love his brother, but… sometimes distance could be a good thing), and it allowed Joel to observe Ellie with her new ‘BFF.’  The girls were quite different from each other, but there were underlying fundamental similarities… something about the two of them just clicked.  He noticed them exchanging looks, sharing inside jokes (some of them at his expense), and he was happy to see it.  In Joel’s mind, the fact that it made him happy proved that he wasn’t some nutjob who wanted to keep Ellie all to himself.  Nope, he was perfectly willing to share her.  Just not with other males.

Some days, Ellie participated in ‘story time’ for the younger kids.  The children seemed to like Ellie, from what Joel had seen at Tommy and Maria’s house and also the one time he’d dropped in on her at the library.  Ellie said she liked being around the little ones because they were honest.  No mind games, no agendas, no expectations… which made Joel wonder how the older kids treated her.  She didn’t tell him about any more altercations like that one on their first day in Jackson, even when prompted.  Even when he reminded her that there’s nothing she can’t tell him.  She insisted everything was fine, and she did talk about Annie and some of the other kids in a positive way, at least, so he reckoned there was more good than bad. 

" _I know you have my back, Joel.  And I have yours.  If anyone gives you shit, I’ll beat them up for you!”_

Yes, Ellie could deflect probing questions just as well as Joel could.  She used humor, he used… surliness, he supposed.

Joel also encouraged Ellie to watch movies with the younger kids a couple times, knowing she would enjoy the Disney animated films, if nothing else.  He had zero interest in seeing _any_ kind of movie himself.  He hadn’t even realized he was averse to movies now; it’s not like he’d had much opportunity to watch any in the past couple of decades.  He promised Ellie that eventually he would watch something with her at Tommy and Maria’s, as long as it wasn’t too girly… and so it happened that the four of them had a three-part ‘family night’ commitment to watch the _Back to the Future_ trilogy later that week.

Ellie watched movies with the other teens as well.  Annie didn’t usually care to join them, but when she did, Ellie always sat with her (and the boyfriend), so Joel felt comfortable letting her watch in peace and not be disturbed by seeing his head pop up at the window every so often.  He always stayed in the building, though, which afforded her the luxury of going gun-less for a couple hours.  Sometimes the two twerps she had intimidated on that first day were there, and Joel was pleased to see that they stayed away from her.  Whether it was due to fear of Ellie or due to Joel’s watchful presence, Joel couldn’t say.  When Ellie had first pointed them out to him, she’d asked him not to talk to them unless they caused any more trouble… and they were like two little cherubs in that library.  When they thought no one was watching, the halos slipped just enough that Joel could tell it was an act, but they didn’t give him any excuse to confront them.

One of the rooms in the library served as a gaming room –- for video games.  Joel had never been interested in those, but plenty of the other adults played them along with the kids.  Ellie was disappointed there was no home version of that arcade game they’d seen last summer, the one with that crazy chick with the knives.  She didn’t want to play the war games, or anything involving shooting or blowing things up, unless it was in watered-down form, like a LEGO game.  She also didn’t really understand the point of sports (not from lack of trying on Joel’s part… maybe they could start a Jackson softball league or something like that).  She favored Mario games and dance games on the Wii.  Someone taught her how to play The Sims on one of the desktops, and she proudly showed Joel how she had added their house, and little Joel and Ellie Sims, to the Jackson town the kids had created.  Joel found that a bit creepy.

The kid who showed her nearly everything video-game-related was a twelve-year-old whose weird-ass (deceased) parents had named him after the pandemic:  Cordyceps, or Cordy for short.  What the fuck was wrong with people?

_“Oh but he doesn’t care, he like… owns it.  I started calling him ‘Clicker,’ and he didn’t get it, I guess they don’t call ‘em that all over the country?  So I told him, and it’s totally his nickname now, he told his friends to call him that and everything.  Isn’t that cool?  It’s better than ‘Bloater’…”_

Joel thought it sounded more like a dog’s name than a boy’s.  Which he supposed was fitting, as the kid did tend to follow Ellie around like a puppy.  Clicker and his ‘adoptive’ parents –- it was kind of like him and Ellie, where these people had just stumbled across each other and decided that they were gonna be family –- came to dinner one night, and the kid made everyone laugh, even Joel.  He supposed he could make one exception to that ‘no males’ rule in his head, especially for one so young.

In their first few weeks in town, Ellie only had one panic attack, and it was in Maria’s kitchen, of all places.  Ellie had gone over early to help with dinner, because she wanted to learn how to cook.  By the time Joel got there, it was long over.  He chastised Maria for not sending someone to fetch him, but Ellie had actually told her not to.

_“What could you have done, Joel?  I just had to breathe and wait it out like always.  I feel bad I freaked out Maria, though.  Sorry, Maria!”_

Joel knew it was a good thing that she didn’t need him to get her through that (as long as she wasn’t alone).  But… some stupid part of him wished that she did.  That he was the only one who could make it stop.

And that sort of fucked-up thinking was probably why he continued sleeping in her bed.  Did she _need_ him to?  Of course not.  It just made it easier for her, to have him there.  And if he thought that maybe he could sneak away after she fell asleep… he could justify not doing that because she did still have nightmares.  Not every night, but she had them.  He always woke up when she started whimpering, and he could soothe her before it actually woke _her_ up, before the terror prevented her from going back to sleep.  And then she wouldn’t even remember the dream in the morning.  That _really_ made Joel feel like he was helping her, and it felt pretty damn good.

Joel wasn’t on the militia schedule yet, but he filled in on guard duty a few times in place of the designated on-call person.  It was more like being a glorified doorman than protecting the city.  The shifts were usually only six hours, which was plenty long enough when there wasn’t anything to do.  Always in pairs.  And while Joel generally would have preferred to be alone than shoot the shit with some stranger, he had to admit, it was a good thing someone else was there –- someone who knew everyone in town, because he would have been radioing to Tommy any time someone wanted in or out (especially in).  He preferred perimeter patrol, where at least he was _doing_ something.  He worked one shift with Esther, and he’d been wary at first, because enjoying someone’s company for a half hour or so over dinner with other folks present was quite different from six straight hours of one-on-one… but it went pretty well.  Either she picked up on Joel not being much of a conversationalist, or she was partial to long silences herself.  Joel made the mistake of mentioning to Tommy that he wouldn’t mind working with her again –- and Tommy decided that ‘she doesn’t get on my nerves’ meant that Joel was _interested_ in her.  And that it was _perfect_ , because Esther had stated just as resolutely as Joel that she ‘wasn’t looking.’  At least she wouldn’t be expecting anything.  And he certainly wasn’t going to have an affair with Ellie’s best friend’s mother, of all people, so all that shit went out the window with her, and he didn’t have to worry about behaving any way in particular.

Joel and Ellie took the same days off, and spent the majority of that time in the library.  According to Ellie, Annie didn’t really take days off, even though there were plenty of hands on deck to do the farm chores.  Annie knew the personalities of her animals better than anyone else did, with the possible exception of her mother, and was a bit paranoid about leaving them in others’ hands (Joel could relate to that).  If she did leave the farm, it was usually to be with Jacob, and Ellie didn’t want to intrude, naturally.  The only other kid she cared to hang out with regularly was Clicker.   Ellie spent more of her free time with Joel than anyone else, which was just fine with Joel.  He didn’t  _think_  he was making her feel like she had to hang with the old man all the time… at least, he hoped he didn’t.  She did say that she liked knowing he was nearby.  So even if they weren’t together, per se, Joel took that as license to hover.  Well, not hover, exactly, but… to stay close.

He tried not to be obvious about watching her… to just peek out of the corner of his eye... and if she was in the game room, he’d keep an eye on the open door.  Tommy couldn’t resist giving him shit about it at every opportunity.  To tell him how ‘whipped’ he was, or to ask him what evil he suspected might befall Ellie while she played on the Wii or while listening to music.  Joel didn’t dignify his teasing with an answer; he just glared at Tommy and changed the subject.  Annoying as that was, it was worse if his brother  _didn’t_  pick on him… if he tried to talk to Joel seriously about his control issues, and how he needed to expand his social circle so that he didn’t obsess about a teenage girl, and even the toll that his hyper-vigilance would take on him eventually.  He even went so far as to suggest that Joel talk to the town’s pseudo-therapist, Claire.  Joel knew his brother wasn’t honestly concerned about his well-being… no, he was just trying to rub it in his face that Joel was a fuck-up, and that Tommy was the one who now had his shit together.  Even though he was living here by Tommy’s grace, Joel had no problem telling him to go to hell.  Tommy always took it in stride:   _“Alright then.  See you at the house tonight.”_

If Ellie didn’t like those darned family dinners so much, Joel would have skipped them more often.  He had asked her if she would rather eat at home sometimes, just the two of them, and she said no, not really, but she would if Joel wanted to.  Joel’s culinary prowess beyond microwaving was pretty much limited to dumping a can of something into a pot and warming it, so that was fine.  And some nights they did go home shortly after dinner, if Ellie felt like having a quiet night at home to read.  Joel managed to get her walkman working again (which earned him a squeal of delight and a big hug), so she started checking out cassettes from the library too.  Selfishly, he was happy that fixing that thing made Ellie want to spend more time at home -- not that he would admit it to anyone.

His favorite times were when they’d hang out together on the couch.  Sometimes they talked.  Other times, they sat in companionable silence, Joel whittling something (he’d taken to saving expendable scraps of wood on the job) and Ellie sprawled out next to him, reading her book.  No matter how tired she was, she wouldn’t go to bed without him -- even the night he worked a guard shift that ended at midnight.  Sometimes she dozed off while reading on the couch with him.  If he would just encourage her to read in bed, she’d probably be cured of needing him in no time… but what harm was it doing, really?  The girl was starved for affection.  Marlene didn’t strike him as the maternal type, and although Ellie had mentioned some decent adults in her past -- teachers who still had it in them to be human, and that soldier who taught her how to ride a horse -- it wasn’t the same as parental love.  Lots of kids climbed into bed with their parents when they were little.  Sarah had done it; it was a phase she outgrew.  Since he and Ellie had gotten off to such a late start at the father/daughter thing, Joel figured it was like their relationship was in toddler stage now.

Or was that just some bullshit he told himself to justify the fact that he happily let it continue?

If he had a creepy sexual thought here or there… as long as he kept it to himself, and felt appropriately guilty about it afterwards, no harm done.  And he was taking care of that by looking for a ‘special friend.’  Or, half-ass looking.  …Okay, so not even half-ass -- more like, it was a fine idea in his head, but he couldn’t muster up the enthusiasm required to see it through.  He  _knew_  he would never do anything to hurt Ellie, so if he could always keep in mind that his dirty thoughts were not acceptable (for he knew time and repetition could dull the sins on your conscience), he could keep himself from sliding down that slippery slope into true pedophile territory.

As the days flew by, Joel had stopped dreading Ellie questioning him about the Fireflies.  With enough time passing, maybe he’d even believe his own lie; some lies had a way of feeling real if you lived with them long enough.  He had absolutely no doubt in his mind that he’d done right by Ellie, and that she never needed to know what had transpired in that hospital.  He had toyed with the idea of possibly telling her after many months, maybe even years… the passing of time would give her the chance to fall so in love with life that she couldn’t fathom trying to sacrifice herself that way.  Then she would be able to understand why Joel did what he did, and forgive him for lying.  But wouldn’t it still be an unbearable weight on her shoulders?  Time couldn’t erase that.  Only Joel could do that, by bearing it in her stead.  She simply didn’t need to know, for her own good.

Joel had no desire to sit down with some strange woman and talk to her about feelings and shit, but he thought Ellie might benefit from it.  Girls seemed to like to talk everything to death.  Ellie wasn’t like most girls, though.  When he suggested it to her, she too balked at the idea.   _“Pffft.  I’m fine.  I can talk to Maria if I feel like talking to someone!”_   Joel had thought she might say she can just talk to  _him_ , so he was a little surprised when she answered that way.  Didn’t she know she could talk to him?  He was sure she did; he was always reminding her.  He wasn’t about to remind her again after she made  _that_  statement, though.  If she didn’t want to talk to him, so be it.  Maybe he wasn’t as easy to talk to as Maria was.  Maybe it was a girl thing.  Or maybe Ellie knew he wasn’t all that keen on talking about the hard stuff.  Like Henry and Sam… he’d made it clear they were not to discuss what happened.  Is that why she didn’t want to talk to him now?  He tried not to dwell on it.  It was better to leave the past in the past, and just keep moving forward.  

And Ellie was acting more like her old self these days.  She’d even started humming her little tunes again.  Joel recognized a lot of them.  With no preconceived notions of what’s cool to listen to and what’s not, Ellie would listen to just about everything… whether a song was recorded in 1933 or 2013, it was all the same to her.

_“It’s sad that the music you call new is from way before I was even born.  Will there ever be anything new again?”_

Joel doubted it, at least for his lifetime, but he simply said he didn’t know.

There _was_ a decent variety of music available, at least.  There was plenty on the computers, but to get on one of those, you either had to have excellent timing or be willing to wait a while.   There were plenty of CDs, not as many cassettes (to Ellie’s dismay, but it was a good thing, since the CDs had held up much better over time), and some of it was even on vinyl.  She loved the heck out of a song on the only cassette that had made it with her from Boston -- Etta James’ “I Got You Babe” (she’d never even heard the Sonny  & Cher version).  He tried to turn her on to some country artists like Brad Paisley…George Strait… she was open to everything, and seemed to enjoy listening to country with him.  Overall, it seemed she hummed more 80s pop tunes than anything else, so either she liked them the most or they were just more likely to get stuck in her head than other songs.  She claimed she had to listen to everything before declaring favorites.  Joel got her a notebook to help her keep track of it all –- who sang what, on what album, which tracks she liked best, shit like that.  She got all excited about that and said now she’d have to re-listen to everything she’d heard so far so she could make notes on each, documenting in the style of the cards in her card catalog at the library.  Who would have thought that a plain old notebook could make a kid so happy?

And who would have thought that he’d ever regret giving her something that made her happy… well, more accurately, he would rue his own stupidity.

They’d been in Jackson nearly four weeks, and it was one of their mutual days off.  They planned on going to the library that morning.  Ellie preferred to let Joel have the honor of toting her shit back and forth so she could leave her backpack at home.  He rounded up her library returns and packed them in his backpack while she got dressed.  The only thing he didn’t pack was that damn notebook, because she wanted to look at it while waiting for Joel to get ready.

As soon as Joel turned off the shower, he heard a tape-recorded voice in the other room:

_“…way of saying we gotta kill the fucking kid. And now they're asking for my go ahead…”_


	10. Weight of the World

It took a moment for Joel’s brain to catch up with his ears, to get past the knee-jerk response of denial.   _Oh God this isn’t fucking happening_.  “Ellie!  Stop -- don’ listen to that!”  As if it wasn’t already too late, and the clock would rewind itself a few minutes if he only wished it hard enough.

He didn’t bother to dry off, and nearly forgot to wrap a towel around his waist in his haste to get to her and… do what, exactly -- stop it from happening, as if it hadn’t happened yet?  Ellie was ghostly pale, crouched in front of his backpack with the damn recorder in her hand.  It ended with Marlene whining about how tired she was.  Ellie set it down and pulled another one out of his bag.  She hadn’t listened to them all!  Only the one, it looked like.  He needed to remember what it said and do some damage control here.  He tried to grab the next one from her hand, but she quickly pulled away, scrambling to her feet.  She stood there, thumb poised over the ‘play’ button, the trigger of the smoking gun.  Should he forcibly take it from her, or plead with her not to play it?  “How many recorders are there?” she asked, barely above a whisper.

 _Think, Joel._   He was going to have to come up with something on the fly.  If he was going to spin another lie, the less she heard the better.  That much was obvious.  Which one was that in her hand… the one with the medical mumbo jumbo on it, hopefully.  “Only them two.  Ellie, don’ play that… please… it’ll jus’ make things worse.  I can explain!”

Ellie shook her head.  “Explain?  You mean tell me more lies?”  Her voice was shaky.  “There’s at least one more in your backpack.  I saw it.”

 _Fuck.  I better_ _get that thing out of her hand_.  He approached her slowly, as if she were a frightened animal.  “You already heard the one in there.  It was the one about the monkeys.”

She backed away from him.  Glared at him like he was the scum of the Earth.  “You just can’t stop lying, can you?  The monkeys are in the fucking desk, along with all the other shit we picked up.  At least I  _thought_ that was all of it.”

Maybe he could say he’d taken it out of the desk and put it in his backpack for some reason… no, all Ellie had to do was go over to the desk and open a drawer.  He could physically stop her from doing that, but that would only serve to prove the same damn thing.  The girl wasn’t stupid.

“Ellie, please do _not_ play that.   _Please_.  If you ever—“ Joel couldn’t quite bring himself to play the if-you-ever-cared-about-me card here… how would he feel if she went ahead and played it anyway?  It was starting to dawn on him that there was no way out of this: Ellie was going to hear those tapes.

Looking at him defiantly, she pressed ‘play.’  It was the surgeon’s recorder, so she hadn’t heard the worst of it yet.  He didn’t have to let her hear the other Marlene tape.  He could destroy it.  He had a minute to think while she listened to the surgeon blather on about blood cells and fungal growth.  If he simply pulled out the third recorder and bashed it against the wall, that would be that.  She’d probably run over and try to stop him when he reached for the bag, but she wouldn’t succeed.  She’d never have to hear it.  Although… she would still know it had existed and that he’d deprived her of it.  And it would drive her crazy, not knowing its content _.  I can’t paraphrase it for her -- she’ll think I’m lying.  Hell, I probably **would** lie, at least a little.  She won’t believe another word out of my mouth now anyhow.  Maybe it would be better if she just knew it all._

Joel watched her face as she listened to the description of what the Cordyceps had done to her insides.  She was… stoic.  What was she thinking?  Feeling?  When it ended, he stepped toward her again, and again she backed away.  “Let me tell you what happened,” he said slowly, trying to keep from sounding panicked or desperate.

She headed for the backpack, as if he hadn’t spoken.  He didn’t try to stop her.  God, was he doing the right thing?  If only he’d played out scenarios like this in his head, figured all this shit out instead of tucking it away in some dark corner of his brain because he didn’t want to deal with it.  His thoughts hadn’t gone beyond preventing her from finding out in the first place.  Now there was no time to decide anything.  She fished out the third recorder, then rooted around in the bag, probably to see if the one in her hand was the last.  She sat on her knees to listen to it.  Joel tightened the towel around his waist and joined her on the floor.  He should probably go put some pants on… but he didn’t want to leave her, or risk her taking off.

Marlene was ‘talking’ to Ellie’s mother, playing the reluctant hero, pretending to feel bad and claiming she had no choice.  Ellie’s face was like a stone wall… until the very end, when Marlene said that crap about how Ellie would be with her mom soon.  Ellie’s lip trembled a little and she looked like she was about to cry.  Joel put a hand on her shoulder, but she scooted back out of his reach.  Her expression reverted back to… nothing, pretty much, except for her eyes… they were moist.  She stared at the floor.

What could he possibly say to her that would help?  It had to be the truth, whatever it was.  “Ellie…” he began.  That’s as far as he got.  Maybe it would be easier to respond to her questions instead.  “Talk to me.  Are you…”  Christ, he almost asked her if she was okay.  “What’s goin’ through your mind right now?”

She was silent.  Staring at the same spot on the floor.  Maybe she hadn’t even heard him.  “Ellie?” he tried again.  “Please say somethin’.  Anything.”

Nothing.

“Okay then,” said Joel dumbly.  He absorbed her silence for a moment, and gathered his thoughts.    “I’ll tell you what went down.  You remember nearly drownin’ in that tunnel by the hospital?  I pulled you out of the water—“

 _"Stop.”_ She squeezed her eyes shut and grimaced as if she had a splitting headache.

“You… don’ wanna know what happened?”  That was unexpected.

“I don’t wanna hear any more _lies_ ,” she corrected him _._   “I can’t.  I can’t stand it.”

“I ain’t lyin’.  I’ll tell you everything.”

“You’ll tell me more lies!”  Her voice sounded stronger now.  Angrier.  She stood up and backed further away from him.  “I want to see Marlene.  You didn’t even tell me she was there.  Where is she now?”

Jesus fucking Christ, she wanted to talk to the woman who caused this whole thing?  The person who had ordered her to be _killed_?  He sighed and got to his feet.  “Look… I’m sorry I lied.  Ellie, look at me.”  She kept looking at some place beyond him.  He stepped toward her, reached out for her…

“ _Don’t._ ”  She glared at him until he retreated, then redirected her gaze to the wall.  She couldn’t even stand to lay eyes on him now?

“You’re right.  I lied to you, an’ I’m sorry about that.  I didn’ want to.  I was tryin’ to protect you from… feelin’ like this.”

She looked disgusted.  Joel supposed it did sound kind of lame, but it was absolutely the truth.

“You shouldn’ have to… look, I _had_ to do what I did, back there.  I couldn’ let them… they were gonna…”  _Damn, I suck at this._

“Does Tommy know?”

Joel didn’t see how that was important at all.  “Yes, I had to tell him.  I knew he wouldn’ believe…”

Ellie snorted.  “--the bullshit you told me.  Right.  Maria too?”

“Yes.”

“So all of you have been lying to me.  Stupid Ellie, _she_ ’ll believe anything.”

“It ain’t like that.  And they didn’ lie to you, they only agreed to keep quiet when I asked them to.”  Joel hoped it would make her feel just a smidge better if it was all on him, that not everyone she trusted had betrayed her.

“What do they call that… lies of omission?  Same fucking thing.  Tell me about Marlene.”

Joel was silent.  Hadn’t Ellie just heard the woman casually sentence her to death?  Was that not a worse betrayal than Joel trying to _protect_ her?  To _save_ her?  It made his blood boil.

“They wanted Marlene to kill you,” Ellie said coldly.  “And she didn’t.  Obviously.  Did you see her?”

“Yes.”

“What did you say to her?”

“I didn’ know where you were, we got separated when we got there… I woke up in a hospital bed an’ she was there.  I said I wanted to see you.  She wouldn’ let me.  Said you were gonna have surgery, an’ told me to leave.  Like I could jus’ leave you there!”

Ellie shifted her weight from side to side and stared at her feet.  “So… then what did you do?”

“I… found you.  Got you outta there.”

“How?”

“How’d I find you?  I asked someone where surgery—“

“I mean how the fuck did you get me out?  Marlene just let you take me?”

 _Can she just shut the fuck up about Marlene already?!_   “Well, no.  But I was… uh… persistent.”

Ellie lifted her head a little, but didn’t quite look at him.  “Don’t you mean ‘persuasive’?”

 _I guess you could put it that way._ There really was no painless way to tell her what he did.  He suspected she was working it out anyway.  “Right.  Yeah.”

“So you said… you told them you were just gonna... just take me… and they…”  Ellie took a shaky breath, and met his gaze at last.  “Joel, how many people did you kill?”

Joel sighed.  He wasn’t going to lie anymore.  In a way, it was a relief that he no longer had to.  Relief at what cost, though?  “As many as I had to.”

Ellie swallowed.  “And… Marlene?”

Joel nodded.  He fucking hated Marlene for doing this to her.

“Oh God.”  Ellie leaned on the table.  “Are you sure she’s…?  What if…”

“Yes.  She’s dead.”  _I made damn sure of that._

“I… I need to talk to her…”

It was like she hadn’t heard him.  Joel understood that Ellie had some sort of bond with that cunt, but her grief infuriated him.  “Well, you can’t!  I put a goddamn bullet in her head, alright?”

She gasped, and he regretted saying it so indelicately.  He sure didn’t regret the act itself, though.  Never.  “Jesus, Ellie… she wanted to _kill_ you!”

“That’s what she was _supposed_ to do!  You ruined everything!”  She ran her hands through her hair and made a frustrated noise.

So the bitch had been right… it _was_ what Ellie would want.  Well, what did he expect?  Part of him always knew that.  “I don’ consider savin’ your life ‘ruining everything.’ ”  He would never apologize for that.  Even if Ellie hated him for it.

Ellie’s laugh was mirthless and bitter, her glare scathing.  “I’m supposed to be dead, Joel.  It was my _turn_!  God, I even _told_ you about that!  And you said—“

“I said it ain’t your fault you survived.  That’s still true.”  Fuck, she was so angry.  It was a calm, steely sort of anger that was quite different from the adrenaline-fueled fury she exhibited in a fight.  The way she was looking at him now... _At least she’s not hysterical.  You can talk to her.  Let her hate you if that’s what she has to do right now._

She looked at the wall again, unseeing, the anger fading back into that eerie nothingness.  He was still dripping himself dry on the carpet, only wearing the towel.  “Ellie, can we sit down and talk about this… after I put some clothes on?  I’ll tell you everythin’ you wanna know.”

 She obligingly sank into the nearest dining chair, slowly…limply… staring straight ahead like she wasn’t really aware of where she was or what she was doing.  Joel watched her for a few seconds.  It was a bit frightening, seeing her look so blank, so motionless.  What should he do for her now?  He went back to the bathroom and started getting dressed.  He had to make her understand what it was like in that hospital, and how wrong it was, what they’d done to her.  He had to make sure she wasn’t thinking of doing something crazy, like trying to go back… he’d make sure she understood there was nothing left to go back to, if she was considering that option.  She was just going to have to accept that Joel had acted in her best interest and—

He heard the front door squeaking shut. 

“Ellie!”  He pulled on his boots as quickly as he could and ran out the door.  “ _Ellie_!  Ellie, come back!”

As if she would hear his voice and come running back to him.

He looked in every direction.  All he saw was a bunch of fucking trees.  She could have gone anywhere.  He had to think… where would she go… if he was Ellie right now where would he go… down to the farm?  Would she tell Annie, and who knows who else, about what had happened and get the whole town in a panic?

The horse.  She’d want to get on that crazy horse and ride him as fast and as far as he’d go.  To… where?  Would she try to leave?  Kids weren’t allowed to go Outside on their own without parental consent, and he sure as hell didn’t consent to it.  But… they had never really established to what capacity Joel was her parent.  Even if they had, everyone in town knew they weren’t related, she might be able to talk her way out…

He hurried over to Tommy’s house.  He didn’t think Ellie would go there, but he needed to alert all the guard posts quickly.  And Ellie _could_ be there, if she just wanted him to chase her… like last fall, up at the dam.  But she hadn’t slammed the front door, she’d attempted to close it quietly.  Like she was trying to sneak away, and the door had betrayed her.

Joel burst into Tommy’s place without knocking and startled the hell out of that Chelsea girl who was always hanging around the house, as well as the small children playing on the floor.  “Is Ellie here?” he asked Chelsea as he caught his breath.  “Tommy or Maria?”

Chelsea shook her head, her eyes wide with alarm.  “No, none of them are here… what’s wrong?”

“Nothin’,” Joel said automatically, even though it was obviously a lie.  _Yep, Ellie, you’re right, I just can’t stop lying._ “It’ll be okay,” he amended.  That might be a lie too.  “Do you know where Tommy went?  Or Maria?”

A little boy whose name Joel didn’t remember called out to him.  “Tommy’s at the warehouse!” he announced, looking quite pleased with himself for being so knowledgeable.

Joel flew out the door and sprinted down the street.  It was convenient that Tommy and Maria lived right smack in the middle of everything.  He entered the hotel that had been converted into a giant two-story storage building.  There was a guy loitering in the lobby… the son of the couple who ran the warehouse, and one of the few people in Jackson whom Joel had taken a strong dislike to.  No Tommy in sight.  “Where’s Tommy?” he asked the man breathlessly; Joel had forgotten his name too.  Something that started with M…

‘M’ looked him over coolly.  “Where’s the fire, bro?  Chill.  He’s busy.”

“Jus’ tell me where he is!”  Joel fought the impulse to slam the jerk against the nearest wall and ask him again.  He was still catching his breath or he might have gone ahead.  The idiot just looked at him.  _“Tommy!”_ Joel bellowed; his brother _might_ hear him, even if he was on the second floor, since the lobby was encircled by a balcony.

M was a good twenty years or so younger than Joel, and seemed pretty sure of himself.  “I told you, he’s busy,” the asshole drawled, smiling patronizingly.  “Indisposed.  Occupied.  You’ll have to be patie—“

This time Joel didn’t fight the urge.  He lunged and had the douchebag pinned to the wall before he even knew what was happening.  Joel knew the guy was in the militia, but all that really meant was that he knew his way around a gun.  He had a jagged red scar on his cheek, and relished telling everyone how he’d acquired it, like that made him a bad-ass.  The way Joel saw it, all the scar proved was that someone with a blade had gotten the better of him. “You think you’re so funny, do ya?” Joel’s forearm pressed menacingly against M’s throat, which issued a strangled whining noise.  “If you don’t fucking tell me where he is _right now_ \--“

“Joel!  Stop!”  It was Tommy, calling from the second floor.  “I’m comin’ down!”

Joel kept enough pressure on M’s windpipe to make him pretty damn uncomfortable, but not enough to make him pass out.  It would also render him too winded to throw a punch once Joel let him go, should the fucker try to retaliate.

Joel only released him when he saw Tommy emerge from the stairwell, and M slid down the wall, landing on his ass with his hands clutched around his throat, gasping for breath.  Joel trotted towards his frowning brother. 

“What the fuck, Joel?!  What is it?  Is he—“ Tommy started heading over to the lump on the floor, but Joel grabbed him.

“He’ll be fine, I didn’ hurt him,” said Joel (not without a trace of regret).  “Tommy –- she knows.”

It took a second to register, but he could see on Tommy’s face that he knew what Joel meant.  Maybe it was brotherly intuition.  “What?  How?”

“I’ll tell you in a minute.  She took off, I dunno where.  I think she might try to leave.  Can you tell all the fences to _not_ let her out, no matter what she says?  And to call you if they see her?”

“’Course.”  Tommy unclipped his walkie talkie and quickly radioed the message to the guards.  None of them reported seeing her.  If she’d gone to fetch the horse, she probably hadn’t had time to get there yet.

M had risen from the floor and was heading their way, one hand on the back of his head where it had hit the wall.  He’d likely heard the radio exchange, if nothing else.  “What happened, your girl ran away?” he sneered.  The guy was looking for a fight now, surely pissed that Joel had showed him up.

Tommy quickly positioned himself in between the two men.  “Joel, c’mon, let’s go somewhere else.”  He turned to the other man.  “Sorry ‘bout that, he’s jus’ upset—“

“Don’t apologize, I ain’t sorry!” Joel protested at the same time the asshole started firing obscenities at him, along with a ‘you better watch your back’ threat that was pretty fucking hilarious.  The warehouse keeper (a guy Joel happened to _not_ dislike) had followed Tommy downstairs and was now yelling at his son to calm the fuck down and tell him what had happened.  Tommy kept a firm hand on Joel’s shoulder, practically pushing him out the door, although Joel wasn’t really looking to engage the scumbag again anyhow.  He had more important shit to think about.

They walked far enough away from the entrance that they wouldn’t be overheard by anyone coming or going from the building, but Joel wasn’t concerned about seeking absolute privacy now; no need to waste the time, he wouldn’t be spouting details.  He told Tommy what had gone down, in a nutshell, and Tommy asked him what he’d been asking himself since it happened:  why the fuck did he keep those things lying around?  Joel didn’t know why he kept all the crap he’d picked up on his journey.  As for the recorders, he had given them some thought.  He couldn’t keep them in the house somewhere –- it was too small, Ellie would notice.  He didn’t feel comfortable leaving them with anyone else, even Tommy.  Tommy had more places to hide them, but with so much traffic in that place, Joel didn’t like the idea… didn’t like the thought of them being out of his hands at all, really.  His own house was the safest place.  Safer than stashing them in an empty house, or burying them where they might possibly get dug up someday by God knows who.  Tommy said he should have just hidden them under the porch.  With all the creepy-crawlies down there, Ellie (and everyone else) never would have gone near them.  _Shit, why didn’t I think of that?_

What he actually should have done was destroy them.  He’d thought about it, of course, but until recently he’d been considering telling Ellie the truth at some later date, and he thought they might help his case.  If Ellie didn’t believe that they actually intended to kill her, well… there it was, from the horse’s mouth.  And if she thought she was the only one who could save humanity, nope –- the doc mentioned that they had experimented on other lab rats before her, and obviously no cure had been found… what would make her case any different?  Truth was, they didn’t know shit.  It was all a guessing game.  He’d meant to point that out to her after trading his towel for his jeans.

He should have just kept the goddamn towel on.  –No, he should have taken an extra few seconds after his shower to yank some pants on before rushing out like a moron to the other room.  It’s not like haste mattered at all by that point.

No use beating himself up about it all right now, though; he could do that while he looked for Ellie.

Tommy didn’t seem angry with him now.  In fact, he seemed genuinely sympathetic.  “Did she take her backpack?  Any guns?”

Joel hadn’t even thought about that.  “No… well, I don’ know, maybe?  I didn’ really look around, I jus’ ran outside.  Let’s go check.”  Maybe Ellie would be sitting there on the couch, ready to talk some more.

Sure she would.   And she’d just forgive him lickety-split, too.

Joel couldn’t indulge in little fantasies like that right now.  He had to focus on finding her.  Back at the house, Joel found her backpack and all their weapons tucked away in the corner like always, save for her 9-millimeter pistol.  She’d probably tucked it into her jeans like always.

“She prob’ly woulda at least grabbed her bag if she was plannin’ to go, right?” Tommy reasoned.

Joel shrugged.  “Maybe.  Maybe she didn’ know where the hell she wanted to go an’ she’ll think of that later.  Maybe she’ll come back for it.  For supplies an’ whatnot.”  Joel knew he’d never be able to sit around the house waiting on the off chance that that happened, though.  Hell, she could decide to come back any old time.  She knew she was wanted here.  _She also knows I won’t sit on my ass when I can be out looking for her._

“You said she was pissed off… but not like, crazy-pissed off?” asked Tommy, leaning on the table in almost the same place Ellie had earlier.  Joel started pacing.

“She was upset… shocked… pretty calm, though, considerin’.  She wouldn’ do nothin’ crazy…” But Joel’s tone reflected his uncertainty.  He would have preferred it if she’d gotten really furious and started hitting him or screaming at him.  That, he could deal with.  At least he’d know where she was, and what was going on inside her head.

“I better warn everyone.  Best be on the safe side.”  Joel didn’t even realize what Tommy was implying until he heard him on the walkie, alerting the guards like Ellie was some psychopath who was gonna go shoot people solely because she was angry at Joel, or at the world.

“For fuck’s sake, Tommy, she ain’t gonna hurt anyone!  Her wearin’ that gun is like her gettin’ dressed.”

Tommy frowned.  “What about someone in her way?  If she wants out? Would she…?”

Joel shook his head.  “Ellie ain’t like that.  You’ve seen how she is.  She’s…  _good_.”   _Unlike me_.  “She feels guilty bein’ alive.  She wouldn’ go take away someone else’s life, someone innocent.”

“Alright then.”  Tommy’s voice softened.  “Joel, I hate to ask, but… d’you think she might hurt herself?”

“NO.”   _She can’t._   _It would kill me.  ….and she knows that, so does that make the odds better or worse?_   He didn’t think Ellie would try to take her own life.  It made no sense.  It wouldn’t change the fact that she’d been denied the chance to sacrifice her life for ‘something bigger’ (or so the bullshit was packaged).  But what if she wasn’t thinking straight?  And she was just a kid.  Teenagers, especially, could let their emotions get the best of them.  Her words echoed miserably in his mind:  _“~I’m supposed to be dead~”_

Maria knocked on the open door and walked in.  She had radioed Tommy shortly after hearing his bulletin to the guards and asked where she could meet them.  Now she cut straight to the chase.  “What’s the plan?”

Tommy looked from Maria to Joel.  “How ‘bout we go down to the farm, check with the girls, find out if they’ve seen her… see if that horse she likes is there.  Maybe Ellie will be there… they might see she’s upset an’ not let her ride off?  Or maybe she’d wanna talk to Annie ‘bout all this?”

Joel didn’t think any of that would be true, but hoped he was wrong.  When he found her, he sure as hell wasn’t letting her out of his sight again.  The three of them set out toward the farmlands; if they didn’t catch her there, they would each borrow a horse and split up to go search for her.

Ellie wasn’t there, but Spirit was.  No one had seen her.


	11. Hunter

Joel felt relieved at first that Ellie hadn’t come to the farm for a horse; he didn’t think she would attempt to go Outside on foot.  If she stayed in town, there were only so many places she could be.  Then he thought maybe it would be better if she  _did_  try to leave, on horseback or not, so that the guard would call it in, and Joel could make a beeline for that post.  That was assuming all the guards obeyed Tommy’s order.  Would any of them possibly sympathize with whatever reason Ellie concocted to leave and let her slip out unreported?  She could convince them she’d be fine out there, that she had a gun… but Tommy was adamant that even if that were the case prior to his radio alert, no one would defy his request.  It appeared safe to assume that Ellie hadn’t left Jackson, nor would she be able to if she tried later on -- Maria said she would check in with everyone regularly on the walkie and repeat the instruction in case it didn’t get passed along at shift change.  Joel intended to find her before that became necessary.

Esther was happy to lend them three horses to facilitate faster searching.  She also offered to help look for Ellie, with Annie quickly seconding the offer, saying they could pull people from the other farms to help out with the morning chores while they were gone.

Joel could see they really cared about Ellie, maybe even as much as Tommy and Maria did.  No doubt there were others in town who adored her as well.  He hoped Ellie realized how many people she had in her corner.  “Thank you, but I don’ think we need to launch a big manhunt here… between the three of us, we got it covered.  And actually, I reckon it would be better if you two stayed here, in case she does come down to see you.”

“Sure thing,” Esther replied, with an attempt at a reassuring smile.   “We’ll send word to you right away if she turns up here.  Just let us know if you need anything.  Annie, go on and help Joel pick out a horse.”  Tommy and Maria quickly chose the horses they were most familiar with of the herd and headed off to the stables with Esther to fetch halters.  The horse that Joel had ridden a few times wasn’t there.  Spirit looked up from his grazing when they approached the paddock.  Was he looking for Ellie too?

“I’ll take that one,” Joel said resolutely.  “Ellie’s horse.”

Annie looked at Joel like he was crazy.  “Um… I don’t think that… well, he’s not the best when it comes to taking direction?  Ellie says he’s getting better but… really I think it’s just her adjusting more to his ways.  Maybe a different one… Clementine, maybe…”

“S’alright, I’ll manage.”  It wasn’t like he was entering a horse show.   And it wasn’t like by taking Ellie’s horse he thought he was preventing her from leaving… he knew she’d just take a different one if she wanted to go.  He also wasn’t expecting to lure Ellie out of hiding, if she didn’t want to be found, by dangling the horse in front of her.  He wasn’t sure why it had to be Spirit; he just didn’t want any other horse.

When the three horses were all tacked up ready to go, Tommy divided the town into roughly three sections, giving Joel the east side.  “D’you think we should ask people if they’ve seen her?  People we think might know her, at least?” Tommy asked them.

 Maria said it couldn’t hurt… true enough… but Joel didn’t like the idea of everyone thinking something was wrong with Ellie.  On the other hand, he did want to find her as quickly as possible.  “If we keep it casual-like.  Make it seem like we’re lookin’ for her to go have a picnic or somethin’.”

“All right.”  Tommy thought for a moment.  “Maria and I can call each other… we do have a spare walkie talkie but it’s up at the dam.  Joel, if one of us finds her, the other can go find you.”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Joel.  “If you do find her, do  _not_  leave her alone.  Even if she tells you to.  Let’s get a move on.”

Joel checked his own house first.  He didn’t think she’d be there, and he was right.  That would be too damn simple.  He wondered, if Tommy or Maria found her, would she beg them to hide her away from him?  And would they do it?  He hoped they would at least let him know that they’d found her.  Maybe he wasn’t giving Ellie enough credit.  It wasn’t _all_ about him.

His search area was the least densely populated, and also included the lake.  Maybe Ellie would go sit by the water.  They’d taken a few strolls around the lake together and she’d liked it out there.  Maybe she would go in the water, far enough to…   _NO._   He needed to keep dark thoughts like that at bay.  He truly didn’t think Ellie would do anything like that, even if she wanted to ‘get back’ at him.  She had the gun, too… that would be the easier method…  _NO!  Besides, it ain’t that easy.  A person can be miserable as fuck and not want to go on living… hold that gun up to their head or put it in their mouth… but actually pulling that trigger is harder than people think.  I should know._

Spirit wasn’t all that bad (well, aside from nearly tossing him a couple times early on).  Joel was probably a little sterner or rougher with him than Ellie was.  Joel was learning how to read his body language and if he felt like a buck might be coming, he would pull hard on the reins to pull the horse’s head back and prevent it, and then Spirit would do what Joel wanted, for the most part.  Once at the lake, Joel attempted to canter, then didn’t resist when the horse decided to gallop instead.  This was the best place for Spirit to get it out of his system, as Joel didn’t need to dismount to search for Ellie there.

No Ellie.

Some of the houses in Joel’s area were unoccupied, but he didn’t know which ones.  All of the houses were in some state of disrepair, so he couldn’t make any assumptions based on appearance.  He had never visited the homes of any of his neighbors, and he didn’t think Ellie had either.  He could imagine her hanging out in an empty house, to get away from everyone, to think or cry or whatever she had to do that she felt she couldn’t do at home.  Did she know which of these houses were vacant?  Joel decided to ride up and down each road first, in case she was just out walking aimlessly.  If he recognized someone on the street, he asked if they’d seen Ellie; otherwise, he kept quiet.

No Ellie, and no Ellie sightings.

He circled back through, and if he couldn’t detect any activity inside a house, he knocked on their door.  If anyone answered, he claimed he’d mistakenly gone to the wrong house and he’d be on his way.   More than a few people offered to help him find the ‘right’ house.  At first he shrugged them off, but then figured he might as well ask them which houses in the area were empty.  They didn’t need to know what he was searching for.  One woman assumed he was scouting the area for a bigger house for himself and Ellie.  Joel didn’t see any reason to correct her.

Maybe they  _should_  move to a bigger house.  Ellie probably wouldn’t want him to be so close to her now.  He’d have to start sleeping in the other room.  Which is what he should be doing anyway, he had to remind himself.   _I don’t care.  As long as Ellie’s home safe she can be alone in that room as much as she wants._

He had to figure out how to be more of a father to her, and less of a… what, exactly?  Pervert?  Pedophile?  Sicko?  Lecher?  And he had to remember that she had loved Marlene; he couldn’t expect her not to grieve that loss.  He had to control his temper, to just shut the hell up.  The bitch had known Ellie since she was born.  Known things about Ellie that Joel never would.  Be that as it may, there was no fucking way Marlene cared for Ellie as much as he did.  No matter what the cunt said, Marlene’s so-called love for the girl wasn’t even a fraction of his own, or she wouldn’t have done what she did.  But… how did Ellie feel?  He was pretty sure she loved him.  Or had until that morning, at least.   _No, she still does.  It doesn’t just go away in an instant._   Considering she’d spent the last year with him, he assumed Ellie felt more for him than she did for Marlene.  But in Ellie’s eyes, Marlene was the one who’d done the right thing.  And Joel had murdered her.  How could she forgive him for that?  Plus all the lies?  And the lie he told by looking her straight in the eye and telling her he _wasn’t_ lying.

Fuck.  He should have just come clean with her.  He should have known he wouldn’t be able to continue the charade forever.  Except he _could_ have, if he’d just hidden those tapes.  _Fuck!_

Joel hadn’t yet finished checking his area when he saw Tommy heading his way at a trot.  He felt the anticipation welling up… had they found Ellie?... Tommy shook his head before he reached him, as if Joel had asked the question out loud.   “We ain’t found her yet, but Cordy saw her.”

“Where?  Did he talk to her?”

“He did, but not much.  She was headin’ north.  Prob’ly into Ghost Town, I reckon.”  That was the name they’d given the large span of empty houses.  If Ellie truly didn’t want to be found, that was certainly the best place to go.

“That’s part of your search area, right?  You two look in there?”  Joel was already on his way back to where he’d left Spirit.

“We did,” replied Tommy, following him.  “Rode up and down each street.  Lookin’ around, callin’ her name… we didn’ go inside the houses, though.”

Joel hopped up on Spirit again and coaxed the horse into going the direction Tommy had come from.  “Well, now that we know she’s in there… or most  _likely_  in there, that’s what we gotta do.”

“Joel, hold up a sec,” Tommy called to him.

“What,” grumbled Joel, reluctantly turning Spirit around.  “You got a better idea?”

“I jus’ think… well, if Ellie wants to be by herself, an’ it sure as hell looks that way, maybe we oughta let her be.”  Joel started to argue but Tommy interrupted him.  “It would take a hell of a long time to search every room in every house out there.  Besides, it’d be like hide’n’seek.  What if she saw us comin’, then snuck outta where she was at to go back to a house we already looked in?  It’s pointless.  Give the girl some time.  When she wants to see you, or see whoever, she’ll come out.”

“So in the meantime, I sit around waitin’?  I can’t do that, Tommy.  I have to find her.”   _I have to know she’s okay.  If anything happened to her I’d never forgive myself._

“You do what you want,” said Tommy, not unkindly.  “You can look for her.  Maria’s still out there lookin’ but she ain’t gonna search every single house.  I’ll ride through there again one more time myself… I don’ expect I’ll find her.  Don’t worry.  Ellie won’ have food or water, no electricity or nothin’… she won’ hide out forever.”

Joel knew Ellie didn’t care enough about any of that to come out any time soon, not when she was reeling from his fuck-up.  He sighed.  “Where’s Clicker now?”

“At school.  I’m sure he’d be happy to talk to you.”

The boy wasn’t a student -- he was some sort of class helper/tutor, according to Ellie.  Joel knew where the building was that served as a school.  He’d never been inside it, but he found Clicker easily enough.  He disrupted the class to get the boy’s attention and the two of them stepped outside.

“How you doin’, kid?”

Clicker shrugged.  “Eh.  I’ve had better days.  Is this about Ellie?  Is she okay?”

“I don’ know.  I’d like to talk to her an’ make sure.  Tommy says you spoke with her?”

“A little.”  The boy put his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet.  He seemed a little down.

“Can you tell me exactly what happened?  Where did you see her?”

“Over there –- she was running.  Er, more like jogging.  I didn’t see you anywhere.  I thought that was weird.  Both of those things, I mean.  I knew she had today off and you guys are like _always_ together, when she’s off.  I couldn’t figure out where she might be going, away from the Square like that, so… I followed her.”

Joel knew he liked the kid for a reason.  Too bad she’d obviously ditched him somewhere.  “You followed her.  She didn’t see you?  Where’d she go?”

“Oh it wasn’t all cloak-and-dagger or nothin’ –-“ –Joel was mildly surprised he knew the phrase- “--I just ran after her, yelling.  She saw me, I kinda made it hard for her not to.  I _should_ have ninja-followed her, huh.  That woulda been more fun.  She was _so_ not in a good mood.”

Damn.  If Joel at least knew where Ellie might have entered the maze of houses… it probably wouldn’t make much difference, actually.  He was grasping at straws.  “Did she stop and talk to you?”

“She just told me to go away.  I asked her where she was going, she didn’t answer.  I caught up to her and asked her what was wrong.  Why she was acting funny.  Then she stopped.  She was all annoyed. She told me she couldn’t talk to me right now, to just leave her alone, and…”  Clicker looked sheepish.

“And?” Joel prompted.  _Please tell me something useful…_

“She said ‘pretend you never saw me.’  I didn’t exactly do that -- I told Tommy and now you.  It was weird when Tommy came in the classroom looking for her, asking if any of us had seen her.  Y’know?  I mean she never comes over here, and the one time she does, Tommy shows up... I kinda just blurted it out.  Jeez, Ellie’s gonna kill me.”

Joel gave him a wry smile.  “I think she’ll forgive you.  Did she say anything else?”

“Well, um… I couldn’t just leave.  I don’t know why, cuz she totally didn’t wanna see me.  But… I wanted her to tell me what was bugging her.  I’m nosy like that.”

“And you care about her,” Joel supplied.

Clicker blushed at that.  “She started to run again, so I chased her again, and she turned around and yelled at me.  Told me to fuck off.  So… I fucked off.  I don’t know where she went.”

Joel sighed.  None of that was remotely helpful, other than the direction she’d gone, and Tommy had already told him that.  But it wasn’t the kid’s fault.  “That’s all right.  I’ll find her.”

“Do you think I made things worse?”  The boy bit his lip and scrunched up his face in a way that reminded Joel of a question mark.

“Nah.”  _Couldn’t get much worse._   “Don’ worry about it.  Alright, I’m gonna get back to it.  Seeya.”  He turned to leave… and didn’t get very far.

“Wait, Mr. Joel?”  It was kind of cute, how the kid put ‘Mr.’ in front of his name.  “I can help look for her when I’m done here, if you want?”

Joel looked back and nodded.  “That’d be great, if you’re so inclined.  I’ll be searchin’ the ‘ghost town’ area, which is awfully big.  If you do see her again, stay with her, okay?  If she don’ want you to, come find me.  Or… if she’s goin’ somewhere diff’rent, go ahead and do the… your ninja thing.  When she gets to where she’s goin’, see if you can either find me or get someone to find me.  Or find Tommy, or Maria.  An’ if you hear me yellin’ out there, and you’re with her, yell back.  Even if it pisses her off.  If she starts runnin’ then, you follow her.”

“Yessir!”

Joel chuckled.  “You got all that?  If you get bored after a while, jus’ go home.  If I find her I won’ really have a way to let you know it, unless you happen to be around.  No sense runnin’ yourself ragged.”

“’k!”

“Seeya later, kid.”  Joel looked at him a moment.  “Ain’t you even gonna ask what she’s upset about?  Thought you were nosy.”

“I am, but... well, that would be rude, and besides, you’d just say, ‘That’s none o’ yer bizness, kid.’”  He did a halfway decent impersonation of Joel’s accent (the baritone, not so much).  “Am I right?”

Joel chuckled.  “Maybe.  So it’s rude if you ask me, but only nosy if you ask her?  How come?”

“Cuz me’n’her are homies.”  Joel picked up an unspoken ‘duhhh’ in that statement.  ‘Homies’ was a term he hadn’t heard in a while.  Whatever Joel and Ellie were to each other… he suspected it wasn’t that.  “Bye, Mr. Joel!”

Joel headed out with Spirit, feeling slightly more hopeful.  Maybe Ellie would want to talk someone eventually, one of her homies.  To get her mind off things.  Or vent about what a liar Joel was.  _Some_ thing.  And since Joel wasn’t going to quit until he found her, he’d have to hear their voices eventually.  She could tell him to go fuck off, he didn’t care.  He just had to see her, and know where she was.

He began methodically searching the houses.  Living rooms, bathrooms, bedrooms, basements, attics… even closets.  Always calling Ellie’s name, hoping to be answered by a cry of ‘I’m over here,’ and instead, hearing nothing.  No signs of human life, anyway.  He could hear the fucking birds singing, leaves rustling in the breeze… Joel couldn’t help but be reminded of his long journey with Ellie.  She should be here with him, looking for useable shit.  Then it would feel right.

After a while, his voice started to get hoarse, his throat parched, but his determination remained strong.  Maria had found him and let him know she was going back.  She’d suggested he do the same, but didn’t seem surprised that he wouldn’t.  Ellie _had_ to be in one of these houses.  She couldn’t just disappear off the face of the earth, no matter how hard she might wish it.  And maybe they were right… maybe he should just let her be… but it didn’t matter, because he _couldn’t._

Maybe looking for her in this manner was futile, but the physical nature of the job kept him from ruminating… and from punching holes in walls, too, he suspected.  Joel pushed himself pretty hard.  He ran up and down the flights of stairs and from house to house like a madman.  By mid-afternoon, he was fairly drained.  He finished checking a street that crossed the one where he’d tied up the horse, and headed over to give Spirit a pat on the neck.  Maybe he _was_ going crazy out here, but he could have sworn the horse looked sad.  “Sorry, bud, it’s only me still.  No sense keepin’ you around for this part, though.  Let’s get you home.”

He rode past Tommy’n’Maria’s place; he didn’t really want to see either of them unless they had news about Ellie, and if they did, they wouldn’t be sitting there at home anyhow.  He stopped by his house… his’n’Ellie’s house… of course she wasn’t there, but he needed to go in anyway to grab a gun, which he’d completely forgotten this morning.  He took a few minutes to splash some water on his face, take a leak, and to chug down some water.  Which made him feel a pang of guilt, since Ellie didn’t have water.  Then he thought, _fuck_ that -- that was her goddamn choice.  Joel would have given her the moon if she wanted it.

Christ, he was such a prick that now he was getting pissed off at Ellie?  Time to get back to not thinking.  He tucked the shorty into his jeans and was about to head out when it occurred to him that Ellie might get thirsty enough to be lured out by a canteen, and it’s not like he wouldn’t want some more water out there himself.

Armed with that, he locked the front door and delivered Spirit to the farm.  He didn’t want to see Esther or Annie either, and was hoping someone else would be hanging around outside that he could hand the horse off to.  No such luck -- Annie came running out of the house when she saw him riding in (he’d have to tell Ellie that you _can_ run when you’re wearing a long-ass skirt).

He could see the disappointment replace the hope in her face as she drew closer.  “Oh -- Ellie’s not with you.  Is she at home?”

“No.  Still lookin’.  But I don’ need the horse anymore, so.”  Joel dismounted and handed Annie the reins.  “Thanks anyhow.”

Annie’s smile seemed forced.  “Don’t worry, you’ll find her… or she’ll find you.  Tommy said she just needs time by herself right now… but I know she can only go so long without seeing _you_.”

“I ain’t so sure about that.  Did she actually say that to you?”

“Sort of.”  Annie seemed embarrassed.  What the heck did Ellie tell her about him?  Now he was curious.  Or maybe Annie was embarrassed because she wasn’t the mushy type.  Ellie wasn’t, and Joel sure wasn’t.  “If you want help looking for her, we can get something organized—“

“No, thank you,” Joel replied quickly.  It was starting to feel like a personal failure that he hadn’t found her after looking all day, and the less people involved with that, the better.  Now he wished he hadn’t told the other kid to go looking if he felt like it.  _I have to be the one to find her._

“Okay, well um… I’m here if she wants to come down later and talk or whatever?  No matter how late it is.”

Joel didn’t tell her he wasn’t planning on ever letting Ellie go anywhere without him again. _“Oh sure, Ellie can come have a girl-to-girl talk with you, as long as I’m sitting right there too.  Don’t mind me, I won’t say a word.”_ He knew it was crazy, that it wasn’t feasible to literally never let the girl out of his sight… but that was definitely how he felt right now.

He was glad to get back to the physical stuff, exhausting though it was.  He welcomed the quiet.  Somewhere in a corner of his brain (where he kept shoving the dark thoughts), he was terrified of hearing a gunshot break the silence.  Maybe that’s why he started talking to Ellie instead of just calling her name.  He had a few lengthy one-sided conversations with her… some out loud, some merely in his head.

An hour or so had gone by when he heard Ellie’s name being shouted out in Clicker’s high-pitched voice.  He headed in that direction and caught up with him in between houses.  “Mr. Joel!  Did you find her?” the kid asked hopefully.

“Not yet.  How long you been out here?”

“Um… a loooong time… I went to the library first.  Since she wasn’t working she was gonna make sure we got a spot on the Wii for when I was done at school.  Remember how last time we got up to Year 4 on LEGO Harry Potter?  The Quidditch World Cup!  She prob’ly forgot, huh.  Being mad and stuff.  So… I’ve been here since right after lunch.  I ate real fast.  Getting hungry again too.  Where the fuck _is_ she?”  Clicker looked as bewildered as Joel felt.  Joel offered him some of his water and he gulped it down.

“Thanks for your help, son, but go on back now.  It’s my fault she’s out here. I’ll find her eventually.”

“I’m not _that_ hungry,” Clicker quickly objected.  “Seriously.  I wanna keep looking.  I can’t play that game without her anyways, it’s a rule.”

Joel sighed.  “All right.  One more hour.”  Not like he could fucking tell what time it was.

The sun gave him an idea of the hour.  It was just starting to dip down to the horizon when he took a seat on the rickety porch steps of the millionth house he’d searched.  He wasn’t tired.  Marlene had been tired; Joel wasn’t tired.  He would keep at it as long as he had to.  And once he’d debriefed Clicker on the streets he’d covered, Joel had finally persuaded him to leave, with his final mission being to fetch a flashlight or lantern from Tommy’s and bring it to him at this house.  He told the kid to holler when he came back if he didn’t quite remember where Joel was at.

 It wasn’t the boy’s voice that hollered, but Tommy’s.  Joel braced himself for another lecture.  “Over here!”  His voice was so hoarse he doubted Tommy could hear it, so he got up and moved in Tommy’s direction.  His body objected, but Joel pushed through the soreness.

At least Tommy had brought a flashlight.  “Thank you,” Joel mumbled, taking the light from him and abruptly turning away.  However, Tommy wasn’t about to let him go that easily.

“Hang on, Joel.  What the fuck are you doin’?  You can’t stay out here all night.”

“I can, actually.”

“You look like shit.”

Joel snorted.  “That don’ matter.  Ellie’s seen me look worse.  Much worse.”

Tommy sighed.  “This is nuts.  You ain’t exactly young no more…”

“No?  I hadn’t noticed.  Thanks for pointing that out, baby brother.  But guess what.  When we were on the road, me an’ Ellie, we had longer days than this.  And I was jus’ fine.”

“But you don’ have to do this.  Your voice is shot.  It’s gonna get dark soon.  Chances are she’ll have had enough of bein’ by herself and come on back on her own.  This place is creepy as fuck at nighttime.”

“All the more reason I can’t leave her here all alone,” Joel grumbled.

Tommy clearly pitied him; Joel could see it on his face.  “Joel, don’t you think if she wanted you around, she’d—“

“Fuck you, Tommy!  I ain’t leavin’ without her.”

Tommy sighed.  “Why don’ you jus’ come on back to the house, eat a nice meal, relax… you don’ have to talk or nothin’.”

Joel scoffed.  Unbelievable!  Like he would just sit around on his ass stuffing his face when he didn’t even know where Ellie was.  To his annoyance, his stomach chose that moment to gurgle loudly, like it was on Tommy’s side too.  “Did you not hear me?  Was I somehow unclear?  _I am not leaving without her,_ ” he enunciated carefully.  “You don’ like it, you can go to hell.”

“You don’ have to be nasty about it.  Fine, you wanna kill yourself lookin’ for her?  You go right on ahead, if that makes you happy.”  As Tommy started to walk away, Joel heard him muttering, “Goddamn stubborn as fuck asshole.”

Joel resumed his searching, remaining thorough but moving at a much slower pace.  Eventually he stopped calling her name.  What was the point?  His voice was too hoarse to be heard (that was preferable to believing she was ignoring it).  At some point in the middle of the night, when he felt pretty sure he’d been through all the houses, he went back through the streets Clicker had covered.  He walked around the lake.  He went back to his house… even though the door was locked, maybe she’d be waiting outside… nope.  Of course not.  Feeling utterly defeated, Joel let himself collapse on the porch steps with a thud, his head in his hands.

The sane thing to do would probably be to get some fucking rest, then go back to Tommy and Maria in the morning -- after it had been a full 24 hours, because wasn’t that the general protocol for missing persons cases back in the day? -- and see about organizing a search party.  But, Joel wasn’t the sanest of individuals.  He reckoned he could rest some once he’d found Ellie.  Was she really so angry with him that she couldn’t stand to be near him?  Even just to put his mind at ease?  She _had_ to know he was worried about her.  Was she punishing him?  She couldn’t go to sleep without him; she needed him.  Even when she was irritated with him, that was still true.  She was beyond irritated now, but… it still applied, didn’t it?  Or, maybe he _would_ find her asleep somewhere… then she wouldn’t be able to sneak away when she saw him coming.  _Hang on, Baby Girl…_

 _'Hang on’?  She doesn’t want you, you stupid fuck,_ he reminded himself bitterly.  And then Joel felt something awkward and strange happening to him, something so rare he’d forgotten what it felt like -- the threat of tears constricting his throat.  If he sat here one more second, he’d be fucking crying.  The thought pissed him off enough to get off his ass and jog back to Ghost Town for another round of hell. 


	12. Stairway to Heaven

Ellie had found the perfect hideout.  Not right away… she’d wandered around a bit first.  The streets with the burnt-out houses lured her.  Up close, there was still an odor of… burned things.  Not a pleasant smell.  She didn’t care.  She wondered which one that kid had shot himself in, the teenager that Annie mentioned.  Was he buried out here somewhere?  The town had been much smaller back then.  Maybe all of them had gathered to ‘pay their respects’ -- whatever that meant.  How could you pay anything to a dead body?  It was just something people liked to say about the dead when they buried them.  Along with ‘he’s in a better place now.’  Really?  How do  _they_  know what happens after you die?

Ellie didn’t have time to explore every single house.  She knew Joel would be searching for her.  She couldn’t talk to him.  Or anyone else… but especially him.  She found a burned-out brick house with a fucked-up roof; she managed to climb up some debris to the second floor, and where part of the roof had collapsed, she saw that she could transform the corner into a little hidey-hole for herself.  She dragged what appeared to be the remains of a door –- or was it a door-sized chunk of wall? -- over to the corner to partition it off.  There was dirt and soot everywhere.  And cobwebs (spiderless ones, from the looks of it), which she brushed away.  She had room to sit up and lay down, that was about it.  There was enough light hitting the wall she was facing to make sitting there bearable.  The floor probably wasn’t that stable… after all, parts of it had collapsed, which had helped her climb up to this spot… but it didn’t _feel_ like it would fall down, and it’s not like she was planning on jumping up and down on it or anything.  She tested the view of the corner from the outside, with the slab protruding enough to allow her to fit behind it, and it appeared to be just another pile of rubble.  If anyone came up here, she’d just have to stay perfectly still and she’d be fine.  And who would expect her to seek out a dirty corner like this?  _Goal achieved.  Unlimited solitude awaits._

Now that she was settled, the pain found her again.  If her mind wandered away from it at all, as it had while she was focused on finding a place to hide, she was punished by feeling it hit her all over again with the intensity of something new.  What did she mean to accomplish by hiding anyway?  She didn’t want to think about what she’d learned, didn’t want to think about anything… and for God knows how long, she was able to do just that.  She sat cross-legged, staring blankly at the brick in front of her face.  When her brain woke up again, so did the pain.  She could keep trying to escape it and keep feeling it knife her when it inevitably caught up, or she could try to fucking deal with it, start sorting it out…

She should have confronted Joel about the lie right away.  She had _known_ something wasn’t right, she’d just been too chickenshit to face it.  She hadn’t wanted to believe that her journey had been for nothing, but then when Joel said as much, she’d desperately wanted his version of events to be true.  Because if it was so horrible that he couldn’t even tell her about it... yeah, that meant it was something like this.  And she’d known that it would be.  But, no –- no, this wasn’t her fault, it was Joel’s fucking fault.  He was the one carrying those tapes around.  Did he enjoy listening to them again when she wasn’t around or something?  Why hadn’t he gotten rid of them?

Ellie knew he liked to save weird shit as souvenirs of the places they’d been.  He was doing it before he’d even met her, so it wasn’t for her benefit… it’s just what he’d always done.  Proof of where he’d been?  Some strange sentimentality he wouldn’t admit to?  She didn’t know why he did it.  But why save _these_?  It was like… as much as he seemed to hate that she’d found them, part of him had _wanted_ her to find them.  Like maybe he wanted to tell her the truth and didn’t know how.  Joel had never been very good at expressing himself, or dealing with difficult subject matter.

That really wasn’t what she needed to be figuring out now.  She needed to figure out what to _do_ about this.  And before she could do that, she needed to understand it.

Joel’s actions in that hospital were easy to understand; he didn’t want to lose her, and he would do whatever was necessary for her to survive.  How many lives had he traded for hers, aside from the countless future lives who would have benefitted from the vaccine?!  _“As many as I had to.”_ But she was just one person.  _Logically, the right choice is the one that saves the most lives. …isn’t it?_ Obviously not for Joel.  And pissed off as she was at him for all of this, if she put herself in his shoes…

She’d been in a similar situation.  Sort of.  Okay, so not quite so extreme, but it had required her to choose between being selfless and selfish.  Last summer, on that final day she’d had with Riley, she’d gotten Riley to give up joining the Fireflies for her.  Wasn’t joining the Fireflies ‘the greater good,’ something bigger than oneself, something more important than the desires of one girl?  It was Riley’s choice, technically, but Riley had shifted it over to her, claiming that Ellie was the only person who had the power to make her stay.  Ellie had tried to do the noble thing and let Riley go.  She just couldn’t do it, in the end. 

 _Her_ selfish decision hadn’t killed innocent people, though.  Had it been a life or death situation, how would she have handled it?  What if she’d woken up in the hospital and asked to see Joel and was told no, he was off being killed somewhere in order to save the world?  What would she have done?  Would she have said, ‘Oh well, that sucks, I guess I’ll be on my way then’?  Hell, no –- she would have pleaded with them to reconsider.  And if they wouldn’t… Ellie didn’t like to admit it, but she’s pretty sure she would have lost her shit.  _I would have killed to try to get to him.  Even knowing it was the wrong choice._

She would have died trying to save him, because she wasn’t as adept as Joel was at killing.  How many people had he killed there?  Maybe not as many as he thought.  Maybe he’d only wounded some of them.  Knocked them out and left them for dead.  Although… that wasn’t Joel’s style.  He had a very ‘kill or be killed’ mindset; he’d leave nothing but dead bodies in his wake.  Still, he wouldn’t have necessarily needed to kill the unarmed doctors, the scientists, the non-soldier-type Fireflies.  Unless any of them were foolish enough or unfortunate enough to get in his way; certainly not _all_ of them would be.  Were they still there in Salt Lake City, working to find a cure?  She owed it to them –- or to _some_ one… like fucking humanity, maybe?! –- to go back now that she knew they could still use her to develop a vaccine.  –She owed it to Marlene, if anyone.  Marlene, her mother’s friend, Ellie’s friend and quasi-guardian, had died because of her.  Marlene had made that heart-wrenching decision to sacrifice her for the greater good, because it was the right thing to do.  It was tough, but so often the right decision _was_ the toughest option.

And yet… Ellie was angry with Marlene, too.  Which made no sense, because she knew Marlene was right!  Even so, it hurt her deeply to know that Marlene had been able to order her killed like that.  Like she didn’t care about Ellie, not _really_ care, not like… _not the way Joel cares._

It was kinda scary, how much Joel cared.  Not because she was scared of _him_ \-- never.  She hadn’t been scared of him since… oh, maybe the second day of their journey (and even then she wasn’t really scared, more like _wary_ ), a billion years ago.  The way Joel felt about her now… she really didn’t know what to do with all that caring.  It was so intense.  Just thinking about how deep those feelings ran… it gave her a funny feeling in her stomach.  Not haha-funny, or bad-funny.  It was a _good_ feeling… sort of… she felt it at other times, too.  Sometimes when he touched her, or even just when she anticipated him touching her… or thought about it when he wasn’t even around…

That wasn’t what she needed to be thinking about now, either.  It would only make her more confused, more inclined to just forgive Joel like he’d done nothing bad and everything was normal.  It would never be normal again.  She had to leave Jackson.  _Right?_

Why hadn’t Joel explained everything to her when she’d woken up?  Marlene hadn’t given her the choice on whether to have the surgery or not, but then Joel hadn’t given her one either.  Instead of driving away, he could have hidden with her somewhere nearby while the drugs wore off.  It was _her_ life -- not Joel’s, not Marlene’s.  And neither one of them had acted like she had any say in the matter.  Had Joel done that because he’d killed everyone and it wouldn’t have done her any good to stay there?  No.  Because they could have continued the journey, could have tried to find more Fireflies, or maybe even military doctors, _some_ one who could use the research the Fireflies had done.  Instead, he gave up, because _he_ didn’t want her to die –- to hell with their mission.  The thought was infuriating, but how could she be angry with the man for wanting her to live?  _Keep your feelings towards Joel out of this, Ellie!_ She had to figure out what to do and going around in circles about Joel was just too confusing.  Somehow she had to be objective… to think in third-person, maybe.

Ellie laid down on her back.  She closed her eyes and tried to imagine being in a coffin, being lowered into the cold, dark ground… _Don’t.  You won’t feel it when it happens.  You probably won’t even have a coffin, but it doesn’t matter.  You’ll be dead: you won’t feel cold, you won’t have flashbacks, you won’t have nightmares.  You will be NOTHING._ She opened her eyes and vowed to keep them open.  She didn’t know what caused her occasional panic attacks so she couldn’t take any chances, and she already knew that darkness was dangerous for the fucked-up, unhinged part of her brain that liked to torment her with shit that wasn’t there.

How long was she going to stay out here?  She knew Joel would be worried… _Good.  That’s what he gets for lying to me._ If she had to listen to him spout any more bullshit, she’d never make any headway processing everything and she’d get more confused.  She’d _had_ to get out of there; when would it be safe to go back?  She’d have to make up her mind about some things first.

Knowing what she now knew, she didn’t see how she could just happily go about her business every day, milking cows and feeding chickens and mucking out stalls at the farm, or copying things out of books onto index cards –- like any of it fucking mattered.  It wasn’t a reason to live.  Anyone could do those things.  She was replaceable, here.  What she could give to the Fireflies, to the rest of the fucking _world,_ was a much rarer thing.  She might not be the only person who was immune, but there weren’t that many known cases out there.  Clearly it was her destiny to make a difference.  It sucked that she had to die, but hey, people died every day.  Why should she be spared?  Everyone had lost loved ones in a way that was somehow related to the pandemic.  _Everyone._ She could help _stop that from happening._   She could help the world take a huge step towards what it had once been, that fantastical place she saw in movies that had actually been _real_ … she could save it from extinction.  Her piddly little life just didn’t _matter._   She was worth so much more dead than she was alive.

Ellie had somewhat succeeded in thinking all this as if she were outside of herself, like it was happening to someone else.  It felt peculiar, like she had already ceased to exist… but it was definitely easier this way.  Feeling sad about dying would just freak her the fuck out about it all.  She could put that off until she found the Fireflies, or whoever else would know how to harvest her insides… couldn’t she?  She had to be strong.  She didn’t even know if she could make it to that hospital again.  Not on her own, not without Joel.

 _Joel._ How could she say goodbye to him?  He’d never let her leave without him.  It shouldn’t be up to him, though –- she wasn’t what the town considered ‘legal age,’ but Joel also wasn’t her father.  Would they make her wait until she was eighteen?  No fucking way.  She could find another way out, then.  She could stow away in one of the trade wagons… she wouldn’t have a horse that way, unless she could get Annie to help her out with that somehow.  Annie was underage too, so maybe she could persuade her mom to do it.  None of that would be necessary if Joel would go with her.  She’d still have to say goodbye to him, after they reached their destination… _Fuck._ He wouldn’t let her march off to her death like that, either.  She could talk until she was blue in the face about destiny and how it’s not his call and all that, but he wouldn’t hear a word of it. 

This was an impossible situation.

If Joel wouldn’t go with her, would Tommy?  He’d been willing to once before.  That was definitely an option worth considering.  Tommy had authority here that Joel did not.  If, by Jackson law, Joel was considered her parent, Tommy could still overrule Joel’s decision to not let her out, couldn’t he?  Even if he didn’t want to help her on her journey, he could get her started.  Would Tommy betray his brother like that?  Joel had said they weren’t close, not since they’d had that falling out years ago… they seemed to get along okay for the most part now, though.  Tommy used to be a Firefly -- he might see her side and decide it was worth going behind Joel’s back.  And she had no doubt that Joel would have to be completely unaware that it was happening, or it would never happen.  She wouldn’t get to say goodbye… couldn’t act any different at all or he’d know something was up.

Ellie heard horse hooves and held her breath, like the sound of her breathing might somehow carry to the street.  The clopping sound died out and in the distance, she heard someone shouting her name.  It sounded kind of like Joel but not quite… must be Tommy. 

And she’d just been thinking about asking for his help.  Maybe it was a sign!  Should she go talk to him?

No, no talking yet.  She needed more time.

She also needed to pee.  How many people were out looking for her?  She’d better be quick.  As quietly as she could, she pushed the slab off to the side and crawled over to the rubble-stairs.  When she was about halfway down, she turned and jumped to the ground floor, her heart pounding as if she were in danger, hiding from enemies instead of friends.  Where should she relieve herself… no one would probably ever know or care if she went in this acrid old house, but she just couldn’t, she had to go outside.  The backyard was still partially enclosed; it seemed safe.

Ellie did her business in a corner of the yard (the weeds were actually tall enough to hide her when she squatted), pulled her pants back up, and sat down a few feet away.  It was a beautiful, sunny day.  She didn’t really want to go back up to her stinky cavern.  _It’s not about what you want, Ellie.  If you stay out here, someone will find you and make you talk to Joel.  The days of doing what you want are over._

Back in the hidey-hole, she resumed her mental planning.  More like running through what-if scenarios.  It was calming, in a way.  It made her feel like she was in control.  If she kept it all business, it was fine.  When her thoughts inevitably turned to Joel… she couldn’t do what-ifs with him.  Just thinking about him at all beckoned the pain back from wherever she had shoved it, and threatened the disassociation she needed to get through this.

That was a problem.  If it was painful just _thinking_ about him, what would happen when she actually saw him?  And there was no getting around that.  Before she left, she’d have to see him.  She’d want to say goodbye to a few other people in Jackson… what would she tell them?  She’d need to come up with a good story to –- no, she didn’t need to concoct some elaborate lie.  She would just truthfully say that she had her reasons for leaving, and that she couldn’t explain.  It would be kinder that way.  They could imagine her going on to live a happy life somewhere else.

There, that was more like it.  She could have imaginary conversations with people like Paige from the library, or Jacob, or some of the other kids.  It was a little harder to stay detached when it was Annie, or Clicker, or Tommy and Maria… and thinking about them brought her back to Joel.

_Fuck you, Joel.  You brought me here and let me make friends and now it will be that much harder to leave!_

If she had to think about Joel, and thus, _feel_ something about Joel, she decided she’d rather be pissed off than sad.

Ellie continued to think, to plot, to rage, and when her brain had had enough of that, it reverted to pure blankness.  It became more cyclical as the day went on.  The plotting was getting more ridiculous.  She couldn’t decide what to do, so she’d start thinking about stupid shit like how to get Maria to make her favorite dinner the day before she left without giving herself away, or what book she should pilfer from the library for her journey (only one, and it should be a book they have multiples of, so swiping it would be okay).  Then she’d remember that those things weren’t for her anymore, that she wouldn’t be able to enjoy anything ever again.  When she shifted focus to something more important, like how the hell she’d manage to leave in the first place, it always led back to Joel, either deceiving him so she could escape or saying goodbye to him… which led to getting angry ( _fuck_ feeling sad), and then shutting down.  She laid there on her side, with her face in the slab, most of the outside light blocked by her back.  Not all of it… she couldn’t risk that.  Couldn’t close her eyes, either.

When she snapped out of the daze, the light was dimmer.  She must have been zoned out for a while; the sun was starting to set.  She couldn’t stay in this corner at night, it would creep her the fuck out.  But she didn’t want to go home, either.  She sat up again; she was getting kind of restless.  She pulled her switchblade out of her pocket and started fiddling with it.

Ellie remembered when she thought she’d lost it.  She’d been so upset.  After being held captive by cannibals and nearly sliced to bits, chased and attacked by a crazy man, it was silly to get emotional over a piece of metal, but she had.  She and Joel had made it about halfway back to their ‘house,’ walking in silence, when she’d blurted out that she’d lost her mother’s knife back in that restaurant.  She had expected Joel to say it was all right, he’d find her another one, it was more important that she was alive and safe.  Instead, he’d turned them right around and they’d walked all the way back, even though she could tell he was in a ton of pain.  Joel had known how important it was to her to have something of her mother’s.  He’d said they could rest nearby, lay low for a while, that David’s men would leave the restaurant after finding his body, maybe even stop looking for them altogether.  She hadn’t really wanted to set foot in that place again, but that was preferable to Joel going in alone, so they’d searched it together.  Joel had found the blade and handed it to her, which had made her cry, just a little.  For some reason, it hadn’t felt as awkward as it should have.  Joel hadn’t said a word about it, he’d just put his arm around her and walked them out.

That was the only day she’d ever cried in front of him.  Even after Henry and Sam.  As a general rule, she wasn’t a crier.  And today, she hadn’t shed a tear.  Nor would she.  Crying was a waste of time and energy.

Ellie turned the blade over in her hands, traced it with her fingers… ran it lightly up her sleeve, tugging the cloth up her arm a little to expose the gross blisters of her bite wound.  The fucking thing didn’t seem to want to heal.  She wished she could slice away the ugliness with her mother’s knife.  The words of her mother’s letter (which Ellie had memorized) seemed to taunt her now… _“Find your purpose and fight for it”_ –Okay.  She knew her purpose now, and yes, she’d have to fight.  But then there was _“the thing you always have to remember is that life is worth living!”_ right before that.  _Really, Mom?  Which one is it, then?_ The letter ended with _“Make me proud, Ellie!”_ which would seem to tip the scales in favor of fighting for a purpose.

Ellie closed the blade and tucked it back in her pocket.  She thought about Marlene’s last one-sided conversation with her mother on that recorder.  _“Your daughter will be with you soon”…_ Ellie didn’t really believe that shit.  But… what did she know?  What if it was real?  She could scoff at people who believed, but she didn’t fucking know anything for sure.  She might see her mother, and somehow she would know her even though she never had, in life… would she see Riley too?  She could imagine Riley there, waiting for her, smirking at her:  _“Bitch, what took you so long?”_

It was a nice fantasy, but… BUT BUT BUT.  She couldn’t psyche herself up to die for it.  Not when it was probably a lie (isn’t that what _all_ fantasies were?), and not when… _Joel is here, how can I leave him?  I couldn’t bear it.  I can’t do it.  I don’t **want** to do it, I don’t want to die, I want to live… here, with him… we’ve been so happy here together… oh God I don’t wanna die I don’t wanna die I don’t wanna die…_

She hugged her knees to her chest and buried her face in them.  She wasn’t crying yet, but it was coming, if she kept thinking about Joel… kept feeling… _This is all your fault, Joel, you stupid motherfucker, how could you do this to me?  You should have just let me die and I never would have known the fucking difference!_

Enough thinking, time to start planning… planning the impossible…

The cycle was starting to wear on her nerves.  It reminded her of the last time she’d had a fever, back in the Zone.  Lying in bed, feeling hot and throwing off her blanket only to feel cold and pull it back over her the next minute, and the terrible delirium… running through chapters in her history textbook, the same facts over and over again, no rhyme or reason to it, and she couldn’t make her brain stop torturing her with the repetition, until finally by some miracle, sleep rescued her.

Ellie didn’t want to sleep now.  It made her think of how she’d be sleeping forever soon enough, how could she ever sleep again, and waste one more minute of life… like all the minutes she was wasting up here… going in circles, trying to get from Point A to Point B but constantly veering off course.

She didn’t know what she wanted to do.  She stubbornly wanted things to go back to how they were, and that just wasn’t an option.

And she wanted Joel.  But… she also didn’t.  She had to be more _ready_ when she saw him.  Stronger.  With a plan.  A solid plan that she could actually carry out.

She heard something… a soft voice… footsteps nearby… it sounded kind of like Joel, but, what was that dumb saying… with a frog in his throat?  She held her breath and listened intently.  It was definitely Joel.  He was talking to her.  _How the fuck does he know I’m here?!  He can’t see me!  Did he see me move a little?_ She kept perfectly still.

“You can hate me,” Joel said in that raspy voice.  “I get it.  I don’ mind.  …Not that I _want_ you to hate me, but you have every right to an’ I… I’ll respect that.  You need space?  You got it.  Jus’ let me know you’re all right.”

Ellie kept holding her breath.  She waited for him to say something like _“Come on out of that hole now”_ … but he didn’t.  She heard him walking around downstairs.  Did he not know her exact location?

“Ellie… God, it reeks in here… yeah, I know you ain’t here, you picked a nicer house to hide in.  But I had to look.  Gotta look everywhere.”

He was talking to himself!  But to her. 

“Tommy can go to hell.  All of ‘em can.  I’ll get them back out here in the mornin’ if I have to.  Well, I won’ have to, I’ll find you before then…”

She dared to breathe as he moved to another area of the house, or maybe to the backyard.  He stopped talking to her.  She listened to him search for another minute or so, then he faded away as he moved on to the next house.  She felt kind of asshole-ish for not announcing her presence, but... _not yet._ She would know when it was time.  He could wait a little bit longer. 

Maybe he’d get so mad at her that he’d be glad to let her leave Jackson…

Ellie didn’t really believe that.  But… if she was damaging their relationship by staying away from him, that was a good thing –- it would make it easier for both of them.  Get some of the hurt out of the way early.  That’s the way she had to think of it.  If she felt weak, like maybe she wouldn’t be able to go through with her sacrifice, it would help to think that Joel didn’t really want her around anyway.  She imagined Joel being mean.  _“Go on, Ellie, I’m tired of dealing with you anyhow.  I fucking killed for you and you didn’t even thank me for it, you little shit.  There’s a reason everyone leaves you, you know.”_

But imagining that was somehow even more painful than knowing she had to die, and it didn’t do any good because it only made her think ‘Joel would never say that,’ which brought her back to reality… and the reality was, Joel cared about her, and he wouldn’t stop just because she was being a dick today.

_Wait, I’m not the dick – HE is!  Damnit, Ellie, stay angry at him.  He betrayed you._

Joel’s presence in the house for that little bit sure seemed to have thrown off the cycle, at least.  She didn’t feel angry at the moment, even when she tried.  It was hard for her to comprehend that he was a liar and not to be trusted… in her heart, she couldn’t believe that their whole life here was a lie ( _is that even the conclusion I’m supposed to come to?!)_.  She felt bad for Joel, still searching for her after all this time.  Was his voice fucked up because he’d been talking to himself like that all day, or because he’d been crying a lot?  Joel never cried.  If he was crying about her…

 _He shouldn’t be.  It’ll be better for him when I’m gone, he can move on with his life and not have to worry about me anymore._ Ouch, that was an agonizing thought.  She’d tried to think it in a detached, cold way, but she’d failed, because it fucking hurt.  She tried to tell herself he’d be sad for a while and then get over it and be fine... and that shouldn’t be painful to think, right?  She wanted Joel to be happy.  But… Ellie wanted to be happy too.  Happy, not dead.  She wanted to have a life, with things to look forward to.  Silly things, like beating a level of some video game (and Clicker giving her shit when she fucked up)… trying to get Annie to say a cuss word… playing make-believe games with the little kids as if she were a kid herself… listening to the happy chatter at the dinner table… none of it mattered anymore.  It was all so petty.  Those sorts of things were for people who could quietly go on living, people whose actions would only affect a small circle of people in the world.  Not for her.

Ellie also wanted to look forward to the not-so-silly things… like sex.  It sucked that she’d never get to have it, she’d never know what it felt like.  And she’d never get to have a boyfriend or get married or have kids.  _Stop it!_ She’d go batshit thinking about the unfairness.  Having sex, though… that wasn’t necessarily out of the question… _maybe Joel could show me what it’s like before I go…_

 _Whoa!_ She really _was_ going batshit, why would she think such a thing?!  That was disgusting.  Joel was like her father.  She didn’t exactly know what a father/daughter relationship was supposed to be like, but she knew it didn’t involve fucking.  What was _wrong_ with her?

Ellie’s head was starting to ache… physically, for a change. She needed to get out of the corner.  It was too dark now.  Joel presumably wouldn’t come back through here for a while, if at all –- he did say he thought she’d pick a better house.  Ellie decided she wanted to be up on the roof.  She could easily climb up there.  And she needed to _really_ figure out what to do instead of thinking crazy shit.

The moon was far from full, but it lit the roof decently.  Ellie stretched out by lying flat on the rooftop, limbs spread as if she were making a snow angel.  That made her think of winter, and how she wouldn’t be seeing it again.  Or fall.  Summer was nearly here, she might get to see a little of it.  She wouldn’t get to go to Jackson’s second annual Fourth of July barbecue, though.  And Joel would never teach her how to swim.

Suddenly she felt chilled.  It hadn’t occurred to her, while she was freaking out that morning, to grab a jacket.  She sat up and hugged her knees again.  That was a little better.  Death was a cold thing.  Much colder than this.  There was no hunger in death… she didn’t feel hungry.  No thirst… well, she  _was_  kind of thirsty.  She’d gone a day or so without water before, though.  Joel always suffered more than she did, in that regard.  His muscles would cramp up if he got dehydrated.  He said it would probably happen to her too when she got older.

 _I’ll never have to suffer through the bad things about getting old, at least?_   That was no consolation.  She didn’t want to be comforted anyway, she wanted to  _not feel_.  Joel wouldn’t help her with that -- he would try to console her.  It would be up to her to resist his efforts.  Or… maybe he _would_ get fed up with her.  Maybe he’d kick her out of the house.  _“You wanna run away?  Fine, don’t come back.”_ Maybe he wouldn’t go that far, but he might yell at her.  She hoped he did.  It wasn’t too hard to feel angry at someone who was yelling at you.  That’s what she had to remember… _don’t be sad, don’t let him hurt you._

As time went on, it seemed more plausible that the mean Joel in her head could be real.  Which made her want to talk to him, to make sure she hadn’t totally fucked things up.  Except… that’s what she _wanted_ , to make her departure easier, wasn’t it?

 _Uuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhh._  

Ellie needed to get into I-don’t-give-a-fuck-about-anything mode… and she couldn’t.  She finally resigned herself to not getting any further ‘productive thinking’ done, at least not until she’d talked to Joel.  She needed more details about who he’d left alive at the hospital, if he knew anyone’s name… she didn’t think that would make much difference, because she hadn’t talked to all that many Fireflies besides Marlene back in Boston… Marlene was gone ( _don’t think about her either_ ), so who was their leader now?  Would they be waiting for Ellie to come back?  Maybe even actively searching for her?  To do what… kidnap her, if she didn’t agree to help them?   Probably.  Marlene had ordered her killed for this; Ellie wasn’t given a choice then, so why would they give her one later?

She was tired of ruminating. For a while, she looked out at the silvery buildings, the shadows, the trees... she wasn’t a real person anymore, she was nothing… she could empty her mind, her heart… then it was peaceful… sort of.  Not happy-peaceful, but nothing-peaceful.  She could stay like this forever.  An occasional wind sent shivers through her, which snapped her out of the tranquility of her daze.  She thought that if she had to choose, freezing to death wouldn’t be a bad way to go.  She knew it wasn’t cold enough to freeze (it wasn’t even cold enough for her to see her breath), but she imagined she was stranded on a snowy rooftop, no warmth or comfort of any kind around her for miles. 

Just thinking ‘I’m cold’ kept the more troublesome thoughts away and helped her slip back into the trance.  In time, she became numb to the cold breezes as well, and her head was so full of emptiness that her brain must surely be hollow by now and she’d never have to think or feel anything ever again.

Except it wasn’t.  The next thing that snapped her out of nothingness was Joel’s voice.  The real flesh-and-blood Joel… her mind wasn’t playing a trick on her.  He was shining a light on her, and she got the impression he’d said her name a few times before she’d registered his presence.  She hadn’t even heard him approaching.  She had no idea how long she’d been sitting there.  Suddenly she became aware that her ass was numb and sore.  It felt like she’d just woken from a weird dream and hadn’t quite gotten her bearings, even though she hadn’t closed her eyes… had she?

“Ellie, will you please come down from there?” he asked her hoarsely.

Ellie peered down at him.  He’d shifted the light so it wasn’t blasting her in the face, but she couldn’t make him out at all in the darkness behind it.  Now she _didn’t_ want to talk to him, again.  She was afraid of… what, exactly?  Him being too mean or being too nice?  “I will.  Later.”  Her voice was scratchy too, like she hadn’t used it in eons.  And it seemed odd that her empty body could produce such a sound.  She felt light-headed and just… strange.  Unhuman.

Joel was quiet for a moment.  “Okay then… would you mind if I joined you?”

 _No, this is my spot, mine alone, you can’t join me.  No one can_.  She couldn’t say that.  “No, don’t come up here.  I’ll come home soon.”

He didn’t argue, didn’t sigh with disgust or exasperation, didn’t make any noise at all, for a long moment.  She could barely hear his reply:  “If you change your mind an’ want some company, I’ll be right here.”  He switched the light off and sat down on a grassy patch along the side of the house… closer to the neighboring house, actually.  She could easily see him now in the soft moonlight -- his form, at least; she couldn’t really see his face.

Ellie remembered that she was angry at him.  How could she have forgotten?   _He did this to me.  He saved me just so I could die a slower, more excruciating death.  He lied, every day we’ve been here has been a lie, and he killed people who didn’t need to die.  He killed MARLENE.  All so I could have a few happy weeks.  Not that he knew it would be such a short time before I found out… but if he did, wouldn’t he have still done it anyway?_

He’d ruined everything.  How could they be like father and daughter now?  Maybe she could tell him that she didn’t want to be his pretend-daughter anymore.  It would be a lie, of course.  _Payback’s a bitch._   He’d be hurt, but then he’d have to let her go, and she could do what she had to do.  He’d get over it.  And _she_ wouldn’t have to get over it, because she’d be dead.

Ellie tried to psyche herself up for this.  She played it out in her head, practiced telling Joel that they needed to split up.  That it’s what she wanted.  He wouldn’t believe her if she couldn’t look at him when she said it, which was a problem.  Yeah, she would definitely fuck it up.  She wished she could lie as easily as Joel did.  Fuck, she couldn’t even really look at him _now,_ a mere faceless shadowy blob down on the ground… but she knew it was Joel.  That he was sitting there, waiting for her.  If she sat up here for days, he’d probably still be there… waiting for an invitation she wanted to give him but couldn’t. 

Maybe he didn’t care so much about the invitation as he did about keeping her safe.  It had just occurred to her that she hadn’t given any real thought to her own personal safety all day –- a day not spent with Joel, no less.  She knew it was the broken part of her brain that wouldn’t register the fact that she was safe in Jackson, so this appeared to be progress towards normalcy… except that she knew it was only because she’d been so out of it that she didn’t care.  Funny that she became aware of it now, when Joel _was_ there, her safety guaranteed.  Usually it was a two-way street, each looking out for the other, but there were times when she was with Joel that she _forgot_ , which made her feel guilty later.  Joel never forgot.

She would never be able to tell him she didn’t want to be with him anymore.  The thought of him believing it even for a second made her sad, even though she was trying to think about it in a detached, rational manner; Joel’s presence seemed to be dampening her ability to think that way.

 _You’re mad at him_ , Ellie reminded herself again, guiltily.  It felt like she was betraying Marlene by sympathizing with her killer.  But… _Marlene betrayed me first.  She was willing to sacrifice me… she wasn’t thrilled about it, but she was willing.  Joel wasn’t.  Maybe he just wanted to spare himself the pain that Marlene was willing to bear... but Joel has done more for me in the past year than Marlene has my whole life.  Marlene looked out for me because she had to, as an obligation to her dead friend.  Joel also did it because he had to, but he had to because he just… can’t NOT._

And Marlene had passed her off to Joel easily enough.  Marlene had been wounded, but couldn’t they have held up a couple days while she healed?  Marlene hadn’t wanted to risk her own neck if she could get Joel and Tess to risk theirs instead.  And Ellie had been upset the first time she and Joel had come through Jackson, when Joel had tried to ditch her… but when she’d happened to think about it a couple months later, she’d realized she didn’t have a right to be upset with him, because he _didn’t_ have any obligation to her.  She was just a job to him.  Smuggled goods.  It wasn’t _his_ fault she’d grown to care about him.

Luckily for her, he’d cared enough not to go through with it, and she knew he’d grown even more fond of her in the months since.  He’d been searching for her probably most of the day and night, and he was sitting down there now, waiting patiently… and Joel wasn’t exactly a patient man.

 _I want to talk to him!  I HAVE to talk to him, I’m going crazy_.  She was nowhere near strong enough, but… she was beginning to think she never would be.  Not the way she wanted to be.

“Okay,” she called out to him.  Joel scrambled to his feet.  She stood up and winced at the ache in her butt.  “I’m coming down.  Through this… little area here…”

Joel headed inside and shined his light up at her again, following her movement.  And it was a good thing, because the moonlight wasn’t really cutting it here.  She dropped down off the roof easily enough -- it was all caved in where she’d climbed up.  Getting down from the second floor would be a little harder.  “Careful,” Joel cautioned her.  “Let me help you…”

“I got it.  If you just wanna shine the light there… yeah, that’s good.”  She turned her back to him to slowly climb down the debris to the first floor, until she got down far enough to safely turn around -- the spot she’d jumped from earlier.  She could have jumped or slid down, but Joel was right there in front of her, and he was reaching up to help her… or maybe to catch her if she fell… before she knew it, she was in his arms.

And he wasn’t letting go.  In fact, he was holding her so tight she almost couldn’t breathe.  It felt so fucking good that Ellie finally did what she’d been determined not to do all day:  she cried.


	13. Heroes and Villains

Ellie never knew what to do when she saw a person crying.  Someone her age or older, anyway (little kids were pretty easy).  It was so awkward.  Were you supposed to ignore them?  Go give them a hug?  Pat them on the back?  Bullshit them by saying it would be okay when you didn’t even know what the fuck they were crying about?  She wished she knew how to handle it, because she felt bad for them –- crying sucks –- but since she was clueless, she found it annoying.  Crying was a sign of weakness or childishness.  People should realize that if you absolutely have to cry, the considerate thing is to do it in private.

They’d never talked about it, but she would guess that Joel felt the same way (well, maybe not the part about feeling bad for them).  And yet it didn’t feel awkward, crying into his shirt… he just let her do it.  He didn’t bullshit her.  Didn’t say anything at all.  He just stood there, solid and warm, arms wrapped around her.

When she got control of herself again, she mumbled an apology, and predictably, he told her that wasn’t necessary… he was still holding her close.  She wondered how long they would stand there like that and figured maybe it was up to her to go first.  She pulled away, half expecting him not to let her… but he did.

“I don’t wanna go home yet,” she announced.  “But I want… I don’t wanna be alone, either.”

“All right.  Can we go somewhere besides this house though ‘cause it stinks in here.”

Ellie couldn’t even smell the burnt odor anymore, and it hadn’t seemed _that_ bad to her in the first place.  “Okay… like out where you were sitting?  On the grass?”

Joel led the way with his flashlight, then switched it off outside.  He bypassed his spot in favor of sitting down with his back against the wall of the next house.  “You thirsty?”

She drank what little was left in his canteen.  “Thanks.”  And now she felt more awkward than when she’d been crying.  She didn’t know what to say… didn’t even know where to sit… she kinda wanted to curl up at his side… she couldn’t do that.  He probably wouldn’t mind, but she’d been weak enough already.  She mimicked his posture, back against the wall, a few feet away from him.  They were both in the shadow of the house.  She wouldn’t be able to read his expressions very well.  Not that Joel usually displayed much variety in those… or that she’d be able to look at him much.  _Stay strong, Ellie._

“How’re you feelin’?” Joel asked.  He sounded like he really wanted to know.  He _always_ sounded sincere, though, when clearly he wasn’t always.  She must be an idiot.

Ellie shrugged.  “How would _you_ feel if you found out I’d been lying to you every day?”

 “I only lied about one thing, one time.”

“If that’s true, it was one _huge_ thing so it should count more, and every day you didn’t tell me the truth means you were lying.  Oh, and this morning you added a couple lies to it, too.”

“It was still all tied to the one thing… all right, it don’ matter how many times, or how you wanna count it.  Yes, I lied.  I’m sorry. It was only ‘cause I had good reason to.”

“Yeah, okay, but the thing is, you’re _not_ sorry; if you had to do it again you’d totally do the same thing.  You’re sorry I found out.”

“Of course I didn’ want you to find out.  Not about me lyin’, but about the whole damn mess back there.”

“Well, lying made it way worse.”

“It was for your own good.”

“So that makes it okay.  You can lie to me about whatever you want as long as you tell yourself that you’re doing it for me?”

Joel didn’t answer right away.  Probably because he knew she was right.  He was being defensive, but… not combative.  “You make it sound like I lie to you all the time.  I don’t.  You know that, don’tcha?  It seemed like you had an idea, that I was lyin’… that you didn’ believe me…”

“I didn’t, that’s why I asked you to swear to it.  Which you did, no problem.  Looked me right in the face and everything.”

“No, I mean when I swore… even then it seemed like you weren’t sure.  But you didn’ call me out on it.”

“Oh, so now it’s _my_ fault you lied?  Because I didn’t—“

“No!  No, that ain’t what I meant.  Jus’ that somehow… somehow you knew.  I thought I was bein’ convincin’ but you could tell that… somethin’ was wrong.  Is that right?”

“Yeah.  I guess.”  What did that matter?

“Have you had that feelin’ since then?  That I was lyin’ about anything else?”

Ellie thought about that.  “Um… I dunno.  Maybe not.  -Oh, well, what about that next day at dinner when you and Tommy and Maria went outside and you said it was about nothing.  Obviously that was a lie.  You do that when you don’t wanna tell me something.”

“Fair enough.  You do it too.  If you don’ feel like tellin’ me somethin’, do you say, ‘Joel, I ain’t gonna answer that question ‘cause I don’ want you to know due to some reason I can’t tell you’ ?  No, you tell me it’s nothin’.  That ain’t the same thing.”

“I don’t do that,” Ellie protested automatically.  But… maybe she _did_ do it, once or twice…

“No?  All right then.  So that time I walked in on you’n’Maria talkin’ about… somethin’ secret, I still don’ know what… later when I asked you what that was about, you didn’ say ‘nothin’’?  And when I caught you singin’ what I’m sure was a—“

“Okay okay okay, YES, if it’s something _embarrassing_ – that’s different, you can’t call it lying.”

“You do the same thing _any_ time you don’ want me to know somethin’.  Not jus’ with stupid shit.”  Joel paused, probably racking his brain for such a time.  “Like that day I asked what you did to your pants, you had Millie patch ‘em up thinkin’ I wouldn’ even notice, but when I did—“

Ellie broke in with an aggravated sigh.  “Joel, what’s your point?  I’m a liar, you’re a liar, it’s all the same?  It’s so _not_ the fucking same.”

Joel paused a beat.  “I know, that ain’t what I was gettin’ at.  …What _was_ I gettin’ at…”

“Fuck if I know.”  She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at the fence of ‘her’ house.

“Oh… right… what I was tryin’ to say is I don’ lie to you all the time, an’ you know that’s true ‘cause you can tell.  So please don’ think that I’m constantly lyin’ to you, or that you can’t trust me.”

“I _can’t_ trust you.  That’s how it works:  you tell one lie, and now I won’t know if I can believe you or not, cuz of that one time.”

“You _will_ know.  But it don’ matter, you won’ have to know ‘cause I ain’t gonna lie to you no more.”

“Whatever.”  She could see how much it bothered him to lose her trust.  If she was honest with herself, she wasn’t sure how much he’d really lost… because she did feel like he was genuine with her.  It wasn’t like he’d lied to her for sport.  She wasn’t about to cut him any slack, though.  He should have to _earn_ her trust back.  She was just being an idiot again if she let him off the hook after a few words of apology.

At least Joel changed the subject then.  “Ellie… I know you were upset this mornin’ an’ that’s why you ran off like that, but… next time you wanna be alone, can you please jus’ let me know where you are?  I won’t bother you, I jus’ need to –- I would appreciate it if you let me know where you’re at.”

 _There won’t be a next time because I won’t be here much longer._   “Okay.  Would you have left me alone today if you’d known where I was?” she challenged.

Joel hesitated before answering.  “Today, prob’ly not, no.  Because you were… shocked.  I was worried.”

 _Good, so far no bullshit._ “And… next time you won’t be worried if I wanna be alone?”

“No.  Well… maybe some.  But if you say you need space, I’ll give it to you.  You don’ have to run away.”

Ellie glanced at him.  “Space.  Like, if I sit on a roof, you sit on the ground and watch me?  That’s not the kind of space someone who needs space is looking for, Joel.”

Joel actually chuckled.  “No, I mean real space.  Although I’d prefer it if you talked to me ‘bout what’s botherin’ you instead.  Or… if not me, to _some_ one.  I s’pose I ain’t the easiest person to talk to.”

Ellie found it endearing when he was self-deprecating like that.  In spite of her issues with him, this time was no different.  She smiled a little.  “You’re okay.  Really.  I  _do_  talk to you.  But this is…”  She couldn’t even think of a word to describe it.

Joel filled in the blank for her.  “Overwhelming.”

“Yeah.  Kinda.  I… don’t hate you, you know.  I heard you, before, when you were looking for me…”  It was awkward again.  “I couldn’t talk to you.  I wasn’t ready.  I was mad.  I’m still mad.  And I don’t know if I’m ready but I, um… might never be, so…”

“What do you mean by ‘ready’?”

“Like… strong.  Sure of what to do next.”

“You don’ gotta do nothin’, Ellie.  Except wait for time to do its thing… to accept what happened an’ get back to normal…”

Ellie scoffed.  “There is no ‘normal’ anymore.”

“Okay, not the best word… a  _new_  normal.”

“I can’t just do nothing, Joel.”  How much should she tell him?  Damnit, she’d already said too much.

Joel didn’t like the sound of that.  “What are you thinkin’ about doin’?” he asked in a warning tone that let her know his answer to whatever she said would be ‘like hell you are.’

“Nothing,” she said, more to buy some time than because she thought he’d believe it.  She looked away from him again.   _He lied to me, I can lie to him.  Or try to.  I could tell him I’m thinking about what I SHOULD do, and let him think he can talk me out of it… yeah, that might work…_

“Nothin’.”  Joel sighed.  “Right.”

“Okay, not nothing.  Joel, I ain’t gonna answer that question, for a reason I can’t tell you.  Is that better?” she sneered.

“Ellie, look at me, please.”  He was so _calm._ For some reason, she had expected him to be yelling and punching walls or something.  She turned her head.  He had shifted around so that his whole body was facing her, one leg up with his elbow resting on his knee, the other leg crooked on the ground.  “There’s nothin’ you need to do, nothin’ you  _can_  do.  That’s why I… did what I did.  You can think it was selfish of me, but I did the right thing.  You woulda died for _no reason._   I _had_ to—“

“No reason?!  How can you say that?  It’s probably the only good reason there _is_ to die –- to save lives!  To save the fucking _planet_.”

“No.  It was a goddamn science experiment.  They didn’ know what the fuck they were doin’.”

“It didn’t sound like that to me.  Sounded like they knew exactly what they had to do.”

“They killed immune people before you came along.  Still no vaccine.  Why would this time be any different?”

“That’s… not what they said…”  Ellie wasn’t so sure, though.

“They mentioned somethin’ about previous cases, on that tape.  People like you are jus’ lab rats to them.”

“They didn’t say they all died.”  Ellie did remember that much for sure.  “They _did_ say I was different!”

“Maybe they didn’ die, maybe they let ‘em all go when they were done messin’ with ‘em.  I doubt it, but we’ll never know.  They did say, very clearly, that _you_ would have to die.  Marlene said it.  They were gonna cut into your brain—“

“Okay, yeah, I had to die.  But they knew that.  Cuz they knew what they had to do to make the vaccine.  People die all the time, Joel.  Some people get bit by Infected, some get shot by hunters or soldiers or other survivors… it’s all so senseless.  My death would _mean_ something.  It would _matter._   It would mean that you and Tommy and everyone in Jackson, everyone _everywhere_ , wouldn’t have to worry about getting infected, you could start rebuil—“

“Ellie, stop.  That’s naïve.  First of all, those motherfuckers may have had an _idea_ , but they didn’ know for sure that it would work.  There’s no way they could know that.  There’s no guarantee they’d learn anything from you that would even get them any closer to makin’ a cure.  Second of all, even if they did succeed in makin’ somethin’, they wouldn’ just waltz around peddlin’ it out to everyone.  The government— the military would get involved, and they’d have to test it, and decide who should benefit from it, and how, and it would all turn into some political bullshit.”

Ellie hadn’t thought it through that far.  Maybe she was naïve, but Joel’s view sounded awfully cynical.  “Well… it has to start somewhere.  Maybe I could... oh!  I could make them take an oath –- I could make them put it in writing and everything –- that if they made a vaccine they had to bring it to Jackson first.”

Joel shook his head and chuckled.  “If only it were that simple.  Hell, they could sign whatever you wanted ‘em to sign.  Sign their own lives away.  What makes you think they wouldn’ jus’ rip that shit up as soon as they knocked you out?”

Was he making fun of her?  It seemed like it.  “You know… to some people, giving their word actually _means_ something.”

He didn’t have an answer to that one.  _Ha!_ She hoped it hurt.  He deserved it.

“I guess I deserved that,” he said, at the exact moment she was thinking it.  _Eerie_.  “Look… it’s really sweet that you wanna help everyone.  Save the world an’ all that.  But you can’t.  It’s too late.  I killed everyone.  And if I had it to do over again, you’re right, I wouldn’ do no different.  I don’ regret it.  See, it ain’t your fault.  It’s mine.  You had no say.  You can be pissed at me all you want but don’t you feel guilty about it when there’s nothin’ you coulda done.”

“But now that I _know—_ “

“Still nothin’ you can do,” Joel insisted.  “Nothin’ for the Fireflies, anyway.  You can do plenty here, jus’ by… livin’.  By bein’ who you are.”

Ellie’s chest felt tight.  This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.  She was supposed to let Joel’s babble go in one ear and out the other while she congratulated herself on giving a compelling performance of believing him, smug in the knowledge that somehow she’d figure out how to go off and… die.

“That’s not… it’s not _good_ enough, Joel.”  She pulled her knees up so she could bury her head in them.  No way was she going to cry again.

“What do you mean?  Of course it is.  You’re so…”  He let that thought trail off.  Probably something that would make her feel worse.

“If I don’t do anything, now that I know, what does that say about me?  It makes me a bad person.”

“No, it sure as hell doesn’t.  No way.  It makes you… it makes you _human_.”

She rested her chin on her knees.  “Well, if it makes me _feel_ like a bad person, it’s the same thing… how can I just turn my back on my destiny and pretend I’m normal?”

“’Destiny’ is horseshit.  It’s somethin’ they made up for movies ‘cause it makes a nice story.  It ain’t realistic.”

“Says you.”

“Yeah, says me.  Like I said, it don’ matter.  I killed everyone.  There’s nothin’ for you to go back to.”

“You killed everyone.  Really.  How do you know?  I bet some of them hauled ass outta there when they heard you coming.  I mean… the unarmed non-soldier-like people?  The doctors?  Scientists?  You didn’t kill _them_ , did you?”

Joel didn’t answer, which of course meant he did.  “Jesus, Joel!  And you’re so sure you did the right thing.  Fuck… even if you’re right about… the cure, or whatever… you killed all those people.  Instead of just _me_ being dead, a whole bunch of people are dead.  _Good_ people.  People working to save mankind!”

“They were a bunch of assholes.  You deserve to live more than any of ‘em.”

How could he just talk about killing innocents like a… like… she didn’t know what.  He sounded cold.  Uncaring.  She knew he was no saint, but… she also knew he had a heart.  “And I’m supposed to _not_ feel guilty that they all died –- all these people you didn’t even _know_ to be assholes, they probably had kids and families… and they were heroes, for fuck’s sake -- they all died because of me.”

“No.  Listen to me.  They died because of _me_.  I’m the one who made that choice.  Not you.  If anyone is a bad person here, it’s me.  But I’m fine with that.  It ain’t somethin’ new.  I’ve told you that about myself, you jus’ don’ wanna believe it.  Maybe now you will.”

Ellie swallowed a lump in her throat.  She hated it when he labeled himself a bad person.  He never acknowledged all the good things he did.  She had always thought of him as a good person who’d had to do some bad things to survive.  Like herself.  Was she wrong?  This whole time had she been wrong about him?  But… it didn’t make sense.  He was too _good_ to her to be bad.

“Hey,” he said softly, after she’d been quiet for a little while.  He sounded more like ‘her’ Joel.  “What are you thinkin’?”

She rested her cheek on her knees, facing him but not quite looking at him.  “What you did… you did it because of me.  Because you didn’t want me to die.  If you were bad, you wouldn’t have given a shit if I died.  You wouldn’t have risked your own life to save mine.”

“It wasn’ really as noble as that,” he said quietly.  “It was pretty much the same thing.”

“The same as… what?  What do you mean?”

“Nothin’.”  Joel cleared his throat.  “Ellie, promise me you won’t try an’ go find any more Fireflies.”

“I can’t promise that.  I still don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Well, they prob’ly don’ know what to do either, without Marlene.  Maybe they’ll disband.”  He sighed.  “I’m sorry about Marlene.  Not sorry that I… I mean I’m sorry you lost someone close to you, someone you’ve known your whole life.  I know it’s hard.”

Marlene.  Ellie still didn’t know how to feel about her, either.  She went back to leaning against the wall, but scooted a little closer to him.  “I didn’t know her that long.  I only met her when I was thirteen.  We were close I guess but not like…”  _Not like you and me._

“Wait a minute.  She told me she’d known you since you were born, that she took care of you.”

“Nope.  She knew my mom.  She promised my mom she’d look out for me, and she did, somehow… I don’t know what all she did, to be honest.  Made sure I had somewhere to go after I got kicked out of each school, I guess?  But yeah, I only knew her for like a year, then I left with you.”

For some reason, this really enraged Joel.  “That fucking bitch!  She was actin’ like you were practically her kid, an’ that’s why it was so hard on her to –- shit, she made it sound like she was a superhero, takin’ care of you while runnin’ the Fireflies.  That stupid cunt told me that I --“

Ellie cut him off.  “Joel, she was still my friend.  Don’t talk about her like that.”

He stopped talking out loud but Ellie could tell he was still raging inside.  He leaned against the wall again and looked in the other direction.  He started flexing his hands.  For some reason, she was finding it really difficult to be mad at him.  Even when he was insulting Marlene.  Maybe even _especially_ when he was insulting Marlene.  Which was fucked up, and made her feel guilty.  Even so, something possessed her to scoot even closer and put her hand on top of his, as a comforting gesture.  He looked at her hand.  Almost instantly he relaxed.

“You’re cold again,” he observed, and he put his other hand over hers to warm it.

Ellie thought about jerking her hand back… then realized she didn’t really want to.  _I’m crap at being mad at people.  Who knew?_ “Yeah, so um… Marlene.  What difference does it make when I met her?  Don’t be mad at her.  None of it matters.  She’s gone.”  Ellie felt like she wasn’t as sad as she should have been about that.  If she had to choose between Marlene and Joel, Joel won easily.  Even though he’d killed her.  It didn’t seem respectful to Marlene.

Joel removed his hand from on top of hers, and turned his other hand palm-up to hold hers properly.  Their fingers were all jumbled together.  She was holding hands with Marlene’s killer.  And enjoying it.   _I AM a bad person_.

“And you’re upset with me about that.  That’s fine, I don’ expect you to forgive me.  I’m jus’ glad you’re willin’ to talk to me.  Glad you don’ hate my guts.”

Ellie squeezed his hand.  She was feeling emotional again, and not about Marlene.  “How could I hate someone who did so much to protect me?  I don’t agree with what you did, but… no one’s ever cared about me like that, y’know?  Not even Marlene.”

Joel squeezed back.  They sat there quietly for a little while, fingers intertwined, his thumb stroking hers.  Before they’d started sharing a bed, they weren’t very physical.  They weren’t constantly touching each other now, either, but a little more often than they used to.  Sometimes when they sat on the couch, she leaned against him, or stuck her feet in his lap (although when she did that, she risked getting tickled).  It was so much easier to fall asleep when his arms were around her.  Most of the time, she only knew when she’d had a nightmare because Joel would ask her in the morning if she remembered it.  If that stopped happening, would he stop sleeping with her?  He seemed to like it, though… or at least, he never pushed her away.  And he never brought up the subject of altering their arrangement.

“You ready to go home now?  Get some sleep?” Joel asked, and again it struck Ellie that he seemed to be reading her mind.  Although it wasn’t like a random concept, going home and sleeping… it had to be really late, and he had to be really exhausted.  She didn’t want to sleep.  Ever.  She’d be permanently asleep soon enough.  …maybe.  She wasn’t so sure about that now.  How could she spend all day figuring shit out and end up more confused than before?

“Okay.”  She’d tortured Joel enough; she could at least let him rest.  And she didn’t imagine he’d be able to sleep if she stayed out here.  They stood up together, and Ellie kept hold of his hand, mostly because she was curious to see if he’d let go of it when they started walking.

He didn’t.  They headed slowly back towards civilization.  Joel said maybe he should go tell a guard that he’d found her, so the guard could let everyone with a walkie talkie know, but then he said fuck it, they could find out in the morning whenever he got around to it.  Ellie was supposed to work at the farm in the morning, but Joel said they could manage without her, that the two of them could go down there later and let Annie know she was back.  And they could go find Clicker, too –- Joel told her how the kid had helped him search for a few hours, and Ellie was touched that Clicker would do that, especially right after she’d been mean to him.  Joel didn’t have a specific job he was expected to work on tomorrow, so he reckoned he wouldn’t be putting anyone out if he didn’t show up.

“You don’t have to stay with me 24/7, Joel,” Ellie pointed out, only mildly irritated.  “I’m not a child.”

“Technically, you are,” he reminded her.  “But it ain’t that.  I’m jus’ not convinced that you won’t go pull some stunt to try an’ leave.”

“I won’t!” she protested.

“You couldn’ promise me.  We’ll talk about it s’more tomorrow, yeah?”

Ellie sighed.  “Fine.  But you still can’t be with me  _all_  the time.”

“Sure I can.”

“So you’re gonna take me in the bathroom with you when you gotta go?  Gross!”

Joel chuckled.  “That’s a good idea.  You can turn your back, you don’ have to watch.  Jus’ hold your breath.  Or pinch your nose an’ breathe through your mouth.”

Ellie playfully shoved him with her shoulder.  “Ewwww!  No way!  Okay then -- what about when you take a shower?  Can I watch that?”

“Uh…”  _Oh how cute, he’s embarrassed!_   “Maybe I won’ take a shower for a while.”

“Oh, come on, Joel, don’t be shy,” she teased.  “Okay, I’ll turn my back.  But I’ll have to be in there with you or you won’t be able to grab me when I start running.  I’ll just sneak a peek here and there.”

At least he seemed amused instead of pissed off.  “You’re gonna take a shower with me?  That’s your solution?”

“Nooooooo, not _take_ one –- just -- I’ll have clothes on.”  Now  _she_  felt embarrassed.  Her face was hot… if she was blushing, at least Joel couldn’t see it in the near-darkness. 

“Well, that don’t seem fair.”  He said it in a teasing way, but he immediately sobered, then let out a very long, loud sigh and something similar to her ‘pfffft’ sound.  Only it was more like a groan.  “Fuck.  I think I need to get some sleep.”

“What makes you say that?” Ellie asked innocently… but she figured it had something to do with the ‘fair’ comment, which was… hmmm.  Was he hinting that he _wanted_ to see her without her clothes on?

“Nothin’.  I’m tired, that’s what.”  He let go of her to run his hands through his hair.  And then didn’t take her hand back.

She let that ‘nothing’ slide, preoccupied with analyzing the comment.  Maybe she shouldn’t have gone there.  She’d only been joking around about watching him in the shower.  He knew she was curious about… male anatomy, and so forth, but she couldn’t imagine actually _doing_ that.  She’d die of embarrassment sooner than Joel would.  But… it sort of felt like Joel was flirting with her… maybe?  She didn’t know much about flirting.  The possibility of him truly wanting to see her naked was… not as disturbing as it should have been.  Not disturbing at all, actually.  It kindled that funny feeling in her stomach.  It was somehow _exciting_ …

Except, if he meant it, why did he snap them out of it like that, before she could even react?  It was probably a good thing, because if she’d tried to flirt back, he would have just made fun of whatever lame thing came out of her mouth.

Maybe it bothered him because he _did_ mean it.  Maybe he was afraid of scaring her or offending her.  _It SHOULD offend you… duh, he’s like your father.  What the fuck is wrong with you, Ellie?_ She just… forgot sometimes.  Maybe Joel did too.

When they got home, Joel switched on the light and looked at the clock.  “Shit, it’s almost four in the mornin’.  And damn, look at you –- I didn’ realize how filthy you were.”

She grinned.  “You are too.  Look, I made your shirt all black.  And your hand.”

He looked down and chuckled.  “Yes you did.  Why don’ you go clean yourself up.  I’ll jus’ wash up a little in the sink here.”

Ellie thought about making some cutesy remark about how he could watch if he wanted… but she couldn’t say it.  She knew it wouldn’t come out right and besides, Joel wasn’t playing anymore.

She looked at her grimy face in the mirror.  _Yuck._ There was probably a time in the past year that she’d looked worse, but she couldn’t think of one.  In the shower, she looked down at her ugly body and sighed.  She still had no boobs.  Well, almost none.  They were nowhere near sexy.  They might have grown a smidge since that day she’d asked that weird fortune teller toy thing if she’d ever get some.  The last day she had with Riley before…

The pain had laid low for a while because Joel had distracted her from it, but it hadn’t gone away.  It would never go away.  She slapped some shampoo on her head and scrubbed her scalp vigorously.  _Why am I even thinking about boobs and Joel and stupid shit?  None of it matters.  My life as a regular person is over.  Even if I can’t leave here yet, it’s not like I can be happy.  I owe it to everyone who died -- everyone I care about –- to do what I can to help make a cure._

She was feeling quite somber by the time she’d brushed out her hair and dressed for bed.  She stared at the happy bunny faces on her feet.  They were mocking her, smiling like that when there was nothing worth smiling about anymore.

“Ellie?  You all right in there?”

She must have been taking too long.  She stepped out of the bathroom and found Joel sitting on the couch in his usual bedtime attire of lounge pants and tank top.  He patted the seat next to him and she sat down.  The anger she felt towards him… it was probably still there, somewhere… but now she only felt sad.  Sad because at some point she would have to leave him.  How the fuck could she ever do that?  But she had to.  She couldn’t let him brainwash her with his fantasies of living happily ever after together.

 _It would be easier if you didn’t snuggle with him in bed every night, for fuck’s sake,_ she scolded herself.  She should try to distance herself from him.  Maybe she couldn’t do it in a big way, like lying to him about not wanting to be his sort-of-daughter anymore, but she could do little things.  Toddle away with baby steps.

“So, um… are you gonna sleep out here?” she asked tentatively.  Maybe she could let Joel take the first step.

He looked at her a long moment.  Like… like he was trying to figure her out.  “No.  That is, I will if you want me to, of course.  I know you’re pissed at me…”

“But you _want_ to sleep in the bedroom?”  _Please say yes… wait, no.  Say no.  The whole point was for him to say no, that he was only doing it because—_

“With you.  Yeah, I do.  I wanna make sure you’re all right.  An’ that you won’t leave again.”

 _Yes, only because of THAT._   “If you didn’t have to worry about that stuff, would you still want to?”  She looked at him steadily.

“Uh…” 

Okay, so that was a rather awkward question.  Maybe she shouldn’t have asked it.  But whatever, she’d managed to get her ‘no,’ if she chose to take it.  “I figured.  You can sleep out here, I promise I won’t run off before you wake up,” she added coldly.  Ellie stood up to leave before she lost her nerve.

“Wait, now, hang on a second.”  He tugged at her elbow and pulled her back down next to him.  “I didn’ say I wouldn’t want to.  I’m… not _supposed_ to want to.  You understand?”

“Yeah but we talked about that and you decided you didn’t care, that it’s no big deal.”

Joel sighed.  “Not exactly.  It _is_ a big deal.  I don’ want it to… to mess you up, somehow…”

“Pfft.  How would it mess me up?  I’m already messed up anyways.  And we don’t _do_ anything, so it’s not bad.”

“Ellie, can we jus’ go to sleep?  I don’ have the energy for this right now.”

He _did_ look pretty beat.  But she persisted.  “Not until you tell me if you like it or not.”

“Yes, I like it,” he answered, too quickly.

“You just said that to shut me up.”

“I did.  But it’s true.  Now go on.”

“Is it really?”

“Ellie, why are you tryin’ to make me feel like a pedophile?  What do you want?”

“A _pedophile_?  Like, a child molester?!  I’m not young enough for it to be _that._ ”  She could understand why it might make him feel like a pervert or something, but God –- she was fifteen years old, not eight.  “Is that really how you feel?”

Joel sighed again.  “Go lay down an’ I’ll tell you.”

She couldn’t deny that she was glad he’d be in the bed with her, even if the cold, practical side of her brain didn’t like it.  She got under the covers while he did his thing, making sure the door and windows were secure, then switching off the light and joining her in the dark.

Ellie waited for him to get settled on his back and then snuggled up to his side with her head on his chest.  They usually started out that way.  And she’d started leaving her hair down, because then he could run his fingers all the way through it.  “I’m not a child, Joel.  I’m all grown up.”

“Mmhmm.”

“It’s okay for you to like this.  It’s not bad.”

“Mmm.”

“You’re _so_ not a pedophile or a pervert or anything like that.”

Silence.

She poked him.  “Joel!  You can’t fall asleep yet, you were gonna tell me how you feel.”

He chuckled at that.  “Is that what I said?  That don’ sound like me.”

“Joooeeeellllll,” she whined.  “About being a pedophile.  Even though I’m not a little kid.”

“Right.”  He let out a big yawn first.  “You’re underage.  You ain’t real little, but if a grown man sleeps in the same bed as an underage girl, he’s takin’ advantage.  It’s wrong.”

“But we’re not fucking.  So it’s not wrong.”

“Jus’ because we’re not—“ He didn’t even want to say it.  Joel was pretty fucking adorable sometimes.  “That don’ make it all right.  I’m still… gettin’ somethin’ out of it.”

“Getting what?”

“I’m touchin’ you, ain’t I?”

“Not in my private areas.”

“Ellie…”

“Awww, man.  You’re ‘Ellie’-ing me for _that_?  I didn’t even say anything bad.”

“I’m done talkin’.  Good night, baby girl.”

“Good night.”  Ellie wasn’t going to sleep, though.  She was kinda tired, but…  _You’re being dumb, Ellie.  You’re going to have to sleep at some point.  It’s not like you can leave tomorrow._   For now, she wanted to savor being close to Joel while she still could. 

She fell asleep pondering what exactly Joel was ‘getting’ from her that was even remotely bad.


	14. Promise Me

Ellie didn’t fall into a deep sleep.  She kept waking up… like her mind was still fighting the idea of being unconscious.  Joel was sleeping like a… log?  Whatever that dumb expression was.  She rolled over onto her side, her back to him, and he rolled over too.  Draped his arm over her.  Okay, so logs probably didn’t move at all in their sleep, that expression didn’t apply.  She wondered if even in his slumber he was afraid of her leaving him.  It was going to be so hard to give him up, if she did decide to leave.  She’d never be able to do it, especially not if she kept using him as a sleep aid.  But when she thought of him sleeping on the couch, while she was in the bed… she couldn’t imagine it.  She’d have to be further away from him, like in a different house -- crazy as that sounded.

Contradictory thoughts kept battling in her head.  Was she angry with Joel, or touched by how much he cared?  Should she try to figure out how to escape, or try to accept the decision Joel had made for her?   And if she decided to leave, should she distance herself from Joel, or enjoy what little time they had left?  One minute she felt one way, and the next minute it changed.  She was going to have to make up her mind at some point.  Pick a side and go with it.

Ellie must have dozed again because when she heard a soft rapping on the door, she noticed the room was suddenly full of morning light.  Joel was still asleep.  She carefully extricated herself from him, stuck her feet in her slippers, and padded over to the door.  “Who is it?” she asked in a loud whisper.

“Ellie, hey!  It’s Tommy.  I hope I didn’ wake you.  I wasn’ even sure you all would be home.”

She unbolted the door and opened it.  It was a little strange to talk to Tommy in her nightgown, but it was long and not-see-through and covered pretty much all of her, so not embarrassing-strange.  “Joel was gonna come see you… it was really late when we got back last night.  He’s still asleep.”

“Are you all right, sweetheart?” He looked genuinely concerned.

Ellie shrugged.  _I guess I’m gonna have to lie when people ask me that._ “Can I talk to you… some time?  Maria too.”

“Of course.  Do you wanna come back to the house now?”

It was tempting.  Joel wouldn’t like it, and part of her still wanted to punish him.  “I would, but… I think Joel would freak out if he woke up and I wasn’t here.”

As if on cue, Joel called out from the bedroom.  “Ellie?  Ellie!”

“I’m out here!” she called back.  “I’m fine, go back to sleep!”

Tommy looked puzzled.  “So… he wasn’t sleepin’?”

“He was, I guess he…”  _Oh shit.  Tommy’s wondering why he heard Joel’s voice coming from the wrong side of the house._ She didn’t think sharing the bed was anything to be ashamed of, but she’d promised Joel to keep it a secret.  “Maybe he um… had to go to the bathroom and saw I wasn’t there in the bed…”  Yep, she was a liar too, apparently.  Not that her lie was anywhere near the caliber of Joel’s.

Ellie thought that explanation was plausible, but Tommy seemed skeptical.  “Mind if I come inside?” he asked, clearly expecting her not to mind as he took a step forward before she’d even replied.

She held her ground, though.  “No!  No, come back when Joel’s awake.”

“I’m awake,” Joel announced as he walked up behind her.  “That my brother you’re talkin’ to?”

Joel swung the door back a little more, but he filled the doorway much more effectively than Ellie had, so Tommy’s view of the totally-not-slept-on couch was probably blocked.  Hopefully.

“Joel.  You still look –- and sound -- like shit,” Tommy said with a grin.  “Glad you finally found her.”  He glanced at Ellie.  “Or did you go find _him_?”

“He found me.  After I moved.”  Ellie turned back to Joel, and tried to sound natural.  “Joel, you should go lay down _on the couch_ and get some more sleep.”  _Oh my God that was so obvious.  Shit!_

At least it was obvious enough that Joel picked up on it.  “Right.  Tommy, would you mind gettin’ word to Craig that I’ll need a… well, some time, not sure how long.”

“I can do that,” Tommy replied, looking back and forth between Joel and Ellie like… _Fuck, he knows.  Or at least suspects.  Maybe he thinks it’s more than what it is._  “While you get some more shut-eye, Ellie’s gonna come over to the house.”

Before she could even explain that that’s not what she said, Joel responded.  “Oh no she ain’t.  Ellie, you need some more sleep too.  We’ll come over later.”

“I think Ellie might like to talk to me without you around.”

Joel snorted.  “Well, that ain’t gonna happen.  We’ll see you later.”

The two brothers were looking at each other so intensely that Ellie got the impression they were saying as much with their eyes as with their words.  If not more.

“You don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t talk to,” Ellie said crossly.

Joel kept his gaze on Tommy.  “You can talk to him.  But not without me present.”

And Tommy kept his on Joel.  “Ellie, you don’ need permission to—“

“Tommy, jus’ stay out of it!” Joel interrupted him, scowling.  “Don’t tell her what to do.”

Tommy looked incredulous.  “Oh, _I’m_ the one tellin’ her what to do?”

“Um, hello?  Guys?  I’m right here.”  She might as well not have been, for all the attention they paid her.

Joel glowered at Tommy.  “There’s nothin’ she needs to say to you that she can’t say in front of me.”

“Is that right?  Why don’t you let Ellie decide that?”

“Because Ellie is confused.  You’d only confuse her more.”

“If she’s confused, it ain’t ‘cause of me.”

“I’m handling it, Tommy.”

“That ain’t what it looks like to me.  Looks to me like you’re fuckin’ it up.”

“Stop it, you guys.”  Ellie noticed Joel was doing the fist-clenching thing and she was glad that she stood between the two men.  She moved a little to her right so that she was standing completely in front of Joel.  “Do you wanna talk right now?  The three of us?”

Tommy said yes while Joel said no.

“Well, _I_ vote yes, that’s two to one,” Ellie declared.

“This ain’t ‘majority rules,’ Ellie,” Joel grumbled.

Tommy snorted.  “What is it, then?  All hail King Joel?”

“I’m lookin’ out for her best interests!”

“Is that what you’re doin’?  I’m beginnin’ to wonder.  Especially after…” A look of repulsion flitted across Tommy’s face.

“After what?  What the fuck is _that_ s’posed to mean?!”

 _Oh fuck fuck fuck does he mean the bed thing?_ She’d better shut down this line of conversation.  “Both of you, shut up!  I change my vote to ‘no’ if you guys are just gonna keep arguing!  This isn’t helping anything.”

“Fine by me,” Joel said, eyes still locked on Tommy.  “Come on, Ellie, let’s get back inside.”

Ellie bit her lip.  Joel had taken a step back, but he waited right there for her to close the door… like if he dared to walk away, she and Tommy might have some furtive exchange there in the doorway?  She really did want to talk to Tommy, though.  If Tommy could still speak his mind with Joel present, and it sure seemed like he could, she didn’t mind Joel being there.  “Tommy, just give us a minute?”

Joel sighed.  “Ellie, you jus’ said—“

“I _do_ want to talk to him, though.”

Tommy lowered his voice.  “Ellie, if there’s somethin’ you wanna tell me, privately, don’ let Joel stop you.  Maybe later.”

Joel heard him, though.  “Jesus Christ, Tommy, give it a rest already.”  He pulled Ellie inside, and she barely managed to shout a ‘be right back’ to Tommy before Joel slammed the door.

“Joel, I think he knows you were sleeping in the bedroom,” she hissed.

“Shit.  You mean ‘cause I hollered from in there?”

Unsure of how soundproof the house was, Ellie tugged him further away from the door and went into her mile-a-minute mode.  “Yeah, I messed up, I shouldn’t’ve said you were asleep, at least not the second time -- I tried to make it sound like maybe you went to the bathroom and noticed I wasn’t in the room but then I remembered you would’ve seen me at the door if you got up off the couch, so maybe you were already in there a little while and I got up and went to the door after you went in so you didn’t know, cuz you were like… taking a shit, I guess, or, well, it wasn’t _that_ long, it coulda been a long pee… oh!  No -- I got a better idea!  You were so wiped out that I let you sleep in the bed last night and _I_ slept on the couch.  That’s perfect!”

Joel listened to her spiel with some amusement, then shook his head.  “You’re overthinkin’ it.  We don’ gotta explain nothin’.  The more we try to make it sound like we weren’t sleepin’ to—- sleepin’ on that mattress, the more he’ll think that’s exactly what we were doin’.  Besides, never in my life have I let a woman take the couch while I slept in a bed.  Don’ matter how tired I am.  I’m gonna go throw some clothes on, since you insist on talkin’ to my goddamn brother.”

Ellie flushed with pleasure when he referred to her as a woman.  Well, _sort_ of referred.  In a way.  Yes, it counted, she decided.  “Okay, well, I’m gonna mess up the couch some like you were sleeping there.  I don’t _think_ he saw it from the doorstep…”  How obvious would it be if Tommy had seen a tidy couch which had magically become slept-on when he entered the house?  It was a gamble.  She unfolded the couch blanket and started tossing the cushions about. “Maybe we could just sit on the porch.”

“No, not with what we’re gonna be talkin’ about, it’s too risky if we get loud,” Joel answered from the bedroom. "An’ you know there’s a good chance of that happenin'.  Don't worry about it.  It's none of his business."  When he returned to the front room, he looked at the couch and laughed.  “Do I thrash around in my sleep or somethin’?  That thing looks like a tornado hit it.”

“Too much?”  Ellie took a few steps back and surveyed her handiwork.  Okay, so it _did_ kind of look like some little kids had been making a fort out of it.

Joel waved her aside.  “Go get dressed an’ I’ll fix it.”

Ellie dressed quickly in her other pair of jeans (the ones that didn’t have black junk all over them) and her standard two layers of T-shirts; she was lucky they hadn’t ended up in a climate where she couldn’t get away with wearing long sleeves year-round to hide her ‘condition.’  She’d have to wash yesterday’s clothes here by hand to avoid some snarky remark from one of the laundry bitches.  Joel’s shirt, too.  Ellie had once suggested to Joel that they wash all of their clothes at home in the shower and dry them on the porch –- she’d even been willing to do the whole job herself -- but Joel had shot that down, for various reasons.  Eh, fuck it -- none of it mattered anymore. _What should I say to Tommy?_

Joel ushered Tommy inside while she was pulling her hair into a ponytail.  She heard Joel say “Lemme jus’ make the couch” like it was a normal part of his morning routine, and she had to stifle a laugh.  Good thing she wasn’t in the room because if Tommy had seen her face he would have known for sure.  Joel being a cool liar wasn’t completely a bad thing.

Since they only had two chairs in the house, the couch was the most logical place to sit.  She declared that she would sit in between them… which she did, but Joel sat next to her and Tommy pulled a dining chair over on her other side.  The three of them totally could have fit on the couch, Ellie thought, but maybe it was better for the brothers to be a little further apart from each other.  She wondered if it was even possible for them to talk civilly about her predicament.

Tommy spoke up first.  “Joel, why are so afraid of Ellie talkin’ to me alone?”

“I don’ want you indulgin’ some crazy idea of hers.”

“Such as?”

“It wouldn’t be crazy,” Ellie interjected.  “Joel thinks _any_ idea he doesn’t agree with is crazy.”

“I do not,” Joel grumbled.  He looked at Tommy.  “I don’t want you or anyone else to help her leave Jackson to go kill herself.”

Tommy took offense.  “Now why would I do that?  You really think I’m that much of an asshole?”  He turned to Ellie.  “Is that really what you’re thinkin’ about doin’?”

Joel started to answer for her, but Ellie interrupted him.  “I can speak for myself.  No, that’s not… I’m just thinking about _maybe_ trying to find the Fireflies.  And try to… do what I was meant to do.”

“Which means you end up dead,” Joel clarified.

“Not necessarily,” she protested.  “But if I do, then… that’s what’s supposed to happen.”  She felt strangely calm, like she was a separate person from the Ellie they were discussing who would probably be killed.

“You are fifteen years old,” said Joel. “Whatever is ‘supposed’ to happen, it don’t include dyin’.”  He frowned at her, then at Tommy.  “She believes in the glorious cause of the Fireflies, like you used to.”

“Hey, it’s not about the Fireflies,” she said irritably.  “It’s about, you know, _saving mankind._   It doesn’t have to be the Fireflies.  They’re just… the ones we’ve seen who can do it.”

“They don’ know shit,” Joel scoffed.  “She thinks that all she has to do is go die on their table, and wooooo! Instantly we’re all cured, no more Infected—“

“I do not think that!  You’re making me sound like a complete moron.”

“You’re not stupid, but you _are_ innocent… naïve about the way the world works…”

“Well, if that’s true, what about Marlene, you think she’s naïve?  Because she was willing to sacrif—“

“Marlene didn’ sacrifice nothin’ of value to her, Ellie.  If she really cared about you, she never woulda—“

“Bullshit!  She _did_ care!  She was just looking at the big picture!”  Ellie had to believe at least that much was true.

Joel sighed.  “I know you wanna think that, an’ _she_ wanted to think that too to justify orderin’ a young girl to be killed, but it don’ mean she did the right thing.”

Ellie turned to Tommy, who was just sitting there quietly absorbing all this.  “Tommy.  What do you think?  Who did the right thing, Marlene or Joel?”

Joel snorted.  “Oh, ‘cause Tommy’s some authority on what’s—“

“Let him talk, Joel.  I wanna hear what he thinks about all this.”

Tommy’s expression was… sad.  Contemplative.  “I think it ain’t as black and white as the two of you make it sound.”

Joel threw his hands up in exasperation.  “Great, so no one’s right an’ no one’s wrong?”

“Actually, I think you were more in the right than Marlene was, until you started killin’ everyone in sight.  That’s the part I take issue with.”

“I had no choice!”

“Of course you had a choice!  But what’s done is done—“

“So you think I shoulda jus’ waved goodbye to Ellie an’ walked on outta there like nothin’ happened?  Like it was too late to save her?”

“It _was_ too late.  Yes.  Marlene made a shitty decision, but that don’ give you the right to murder her an’ everyone else over it.  You say Ellie’s innocent?  Well, they were all innocent too, they didn’ deserve to die that day either.”

“So you’re sayin’ you wish Ellie had died instead of all the shitheads in there.  See, Ellie, this is why I didn’ want you talkin’ to him.”

Tommy sighed.  “That ain’t what I meant.  I wish _no one_ had died—“

“Well, that wasn’t an option!  It was either her, or a bunch of motherfuckers I didn’ know, didn’ care about.  There was nothin’ else I coulda done!”

Joel was getting really fidgety.  Ellie put her hand on his knee, which stopped it from jiggling and seemed to calm him down at least a little bit… and also seemed to give Tommy a chance to shift gears.

“It’s in the past,” Tommy said placidly.  “We can’t change it.  No use arguin’ about it.  The issue is what to do goin’ forward.  Is that right, Ellie?”

Again, it was Joel who answered.  “It’s not an issue.  She’s stayin’ here.  She’s not doin’ a goddamn thing to try to help the Fireflies find their miracle cure.”

Ellie sighed and brought her hand back to her lap.  “I don’t _want_ to leave.  I like it here.  I’m happy.  I thought I’d never be happy again, but I am.  I mean, I was.  That’s the thing… I _can’t_ stay here because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“Which is ridiculous,” said Joel disgustedly.  “You shouldn’t feel bad.  It’s on me.  I made the choice, I killed everyone so there’s nothin’ for you to go back to, an’ I live with it jus’ fine.  If you leave, it would be a wild goose chase to try an’ find someone else to cut you up.  Don’ forget, it ain’t exactly a walk in the park out there, either.  You could easily get killed anywhere along the way an’ then you won’ do anyone a damn bit of good.”

“Well, that’s why it would be better if someone went with me,” Ellie reasoned.  “Like you.  But you won’t do it, so maybe Tommy will.”

Joel snorted.  “If Tommy did that, I’d never speak to him again.”

“But what if there were conditions?” Ellie continued before Tommy could respond.  “Say we find some Fireflies or more doctors or something.  They listen to the tape where the guy talks about my blood and stuff, they run their own tests, and if they can figure out a way to use me without killing me, then we do it.  If not, we leave.”

Joel laughed mirthlessly.  “No.  That won’ work.  You know why?  ‘Cause if they do their analysis an’ say they can do it without killin’ you, I wouldn’ believe ‘em.  If they do admit they have to kill you, an’ we say ‘no thanks,’ they might react the same way the other Fireflies did an’ try to kill us anyhow so they can go on an’ be heroes… an’ if they didn’t, I’d have to kill ‘em all anyway for knowin’ about you in case any of ‘em get ideas about comin’ after you.  Then you’d feel even worse because more assholes would be dead, and still no vaccine.  Oh, an’ need I remind you, we’d have to be lucky to escape with our lives.  There’s no guarantee I’d be able to kill all of ‘em.  Especially without you helpin’.  So I reckon you’d have to go with Tommy, Mr. Firefly, he’d jus’ let ‘em kill ya… but the only way you’re leavin’ with him is over my dead body.”

Tommy rolled his eyes at the dead body comment.  “Enough speculatin’.  Can I listen to these tapes of yours?”

“Sure,” Joel replied.  “Me’n’Ellie will step outside, Ellie don’ need to hear that shit again.”

“No, I wanna hear them again,” Ellie piped up immediately.  “I only heard them once and I was… pretty upset, so...”

“An’ I don’ want you gettin’ upset again.”

“I won’t!  I mean, not like yesterday.”

Joel looked doubtful.

“What?  Even if I wanted to run, which I won’t, you’re sitting right next to me, and Tommy’s in between me and the door.  I don’t think I’d get very far.”

Joel sighed but didn’t argue the point.  He gathered the three recorders and handed them to Tommy.  Ellie remembered what the ‘worst’ one looked like and advised Tommy to listen to that one last.

Joel returned to his seat and pulled her close, his arm around her shoulders.  Ellie wondered if he truly did think she would try to bolt again, or if he thought she’d need comforting.  It was a little distracting, though, being close to him like that; she was used to it when they were going to sleep, when they were alone… it seemed a little weird in the daytime, in front of Tommy.  Not bad-weird, though.  Definitely not.

Tommy didn’t seem to find it strange.  Maybe he thought she was going to burst into tears like a little girl, too.  “Ellie, if you want me to stop it, you jus’ say the word, alright?”

Ellie nodded.  “I’m okay.  Really.”

It was surreal, hearing it all again just one day later when it felt like surely a week must have gone by.  Things had turned upside-down so fast.  Ellie tried to listen to everything in the disconnected way she’d started thinking of as ‘outside mode,’ which was easier than being completely inside where all the emotions were.  She hadn’t figured out how to control it, how to stay outside when the inside wanted to take over.  However, she did find that it was _way_ easier to hear them the second time around, especially with Joel right there, giving her shoulder a squeeze every now and then.  And actually, she felt like _she_ should be the one doing the comforting at times, because Joel really tensed up when he heard Marlene’s voice.  She could practically feel the anger coursing through him.  Ellie wondered if he’d truly _had_ to kill Marlene, or if he just couldn’t control his rage.

When Tommy had finished playing the last one, he addressed Ellie somberly.  “I’m sorry you had to hear that, that stuff about your mom, especially… I can only imagine how it made you feel.  And Marlene… clearly she struggled with that choice.  Sounds like she was pressured into it.”

“’Clearly,’ my ass,” Joel scoffed.  “And the alleged _pressure_ was her excuse.  Why did she even bother makin’ those tapes?  Maybe she didn’ wanna be labeled a child murderer an’ thought if she… if she made it _sound_ like she was doin’ it for the greater good, an’ all that bullshit--“

Ellie still felt compelled to defend Marlene.  “You didn’t even know her, Joel.  I… I _know_ she cares about me— cared, about me.”  But her voice wavered; she wasn’t so sure of it anymore.

“Of course she did, honey,” Tommy reassured her, shooting a glare at Joel.  “She was in a really tough position.”

“You knew her, right, Tommy?” asked Ellie, not sure why this mattered to her… “Did she ever talk about me?”

“No, she didn’t… but we weren’t real close like that.  We didn’ talk much about personal stuff.”

Joel snorted.  “I’m surprised she didn’ bitch to you about her obligation to look after her friend’s kid.  Who, by the way, she didn’ even bother to introduce herself to until she was thirteen.  What kind of godmother does that?  Fuckin’ cunt.”

“Joel, stop _,_ ” Ellie pleaded quietly, feeling that lump in her throat again.  Today it didn’t make her feel better to hear him bash Marlene.  She shrugged his arm off and scooted to the corner of the couch; she figured that the action was more likely to stop him than her words.  Plus it made her feel awful when it hit home again that Joel, _her_ Joel, who could be so incredibly sweet and kind when he wanted to be, had killed her friend without thinking twice… _and it was all because of me.  Like Tess.  And like everyone else who died between Boston and Salt Lake City._

“Joel, you need to cut that shit out,” Tommy chastised him.  “Ellie cared for Marlene an’ you’re jus’ makin’ things worse.”

Joel was silent for a moment.  Then, to Ellie’s surprise, he didn’t get defensive or argue with Tommy.  “You’re right,” he said.  “I’m sorry, Ellie.  I’ll keep my opinion of her to myself from now on.”

Tommy seemed surprised too; Ellie surmised that ‘you’re right’ was not something he’d heard from Joel very often.  She nodded, but didn’t look over at Joel.  She was getting that feeling again that it wasn’t safe to do that, not when she was trying to stay in outside mode.  “It’s okay.”

Tommy cleared his throat.  “All right then.  I’ve heard the evidence.  Ellie, I have to say I’m sidin’ with Joel on this one.  I don’ see any reason either of us should drag you around the country lookin’ for someone who may not exist –- someone who can supposedly pull the infection outta you and turn it into a cure.  They seemed to have a theory, but nothin’ solid… that dude said ‘we must find a way’ –- well, it don’ seem smart to me to kill the one person you have in front of you who has what you’re tryin’ to get, when all’s you got is a hunch.  Even if there _were_ Fireflies left in Utah who swore they could do it, I wouldn’ send you back there.  Maybe if you were an old lady who’d lived her life an’ had no one left in the world… hell, maybe not even then.  You’re _so_ young, you have your whole life ahead of you.  I don’ know what you believe about the afterlife, an’ whatnot… but I know your mama don’ wanna see you any time soon.  She wouldn’ want her baby girl to try an’ be noble, to _die_ , over a longshot -- an’ that’s all it is, is a longshot.  She’d want you to live, an’ be happy.  And, you have people here in Jackson who care about you, who… you make a difference in their lives.  In my brother’s, most of all.  If you leave here… you’d not only be endin’ your own life, I’m damn well sure you’d be endin’ his too.  I have _never_ seen him love _anyone_ the way that he loves you.”

 _Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck!  Don’t cry, Ellie, don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry…_ She didn’t know if the unshed tears were for the way Tommy talked about her mother, the sorrow she felt at the thought of Joel dying like that, or the joy of hearing how much Joel loved her… or, how much _Tommy_ thought he loved her, but Joel didn’t correct him, either, so...yeah.  She noticed he phrased it as ‘the way,’ not ‘as much as’ or ‘more than’…but the way he said it, with such conviction -- and even using the word ‘love’ at all –- it was powerful.  And if she died, would Joel really… _No, he can’t, Tommy’s exaggerating, or speaking figuratively._ Ellie didn’t know what to say, but even if she had the words, she didn’t think she’d be able to speak them.  She just stared at a spot on the carpet and nodded dumbly.  Joel was quiet, too.

“Now, that bein’ said,” Tommy continued, “I’m on the fence about how much authority Joel should have here.  He ain’t your father.  You two have no blood ties whatsoever.  If you were to go your separate ways, that’d be that.  But, you _are_ a minor, an’ it don’ seem right to let you make such an important decision for yourself, either… not when the consequences are so high.”

They were all quiet for a minute.  Joel was the one who broke the silence.  “What if I adopted her?”

Ellie was pretty sure her heart stopped beating for a moment.  _What?!_

Tommy nodded.  “I was thinkin’ somethin’ along those lines myself.  It makes sense.  You know Cordy –- Clicker -- he was adopted like that.  He was orphaned as a youngster an’ it was kind of a similar situation.  John’n’Georgia had lost their boys, their paths crossed with his, they made themselves a little family.  That was before they got to Jackson.  But we drew up papers for them to sign to make it as official as we could for them.  And as you’ve seen, he calls ‘em Mom an’ Dad, too, all that.  It’s as legit as anythin’ else is in this crazy world.  What do you think, Ellie?”

Ellie remained quiet.  She wasn’t sure how she felt about this.  She had to consider it with the assumption that she’d be staying in Jackson forever.  On the one hand, she relished the idea of being tied to Joel permanently.  If she were his daughter, she’d never have to worry about him leaving her.  She wasn’t really worried about that now, but… what if things changed in the future?  She was accustomed to people leaving.  People who cared about her.  The truth was, shit happened.  What if Joel got a girlfriend who didn’t like Ellie hanging around all the time (especially in his bed) and Joel chose her over Ellie?  Ellie couldn’t stand the thought of Joel having a girlfriend in the first place, probably out of fear of that very scenario playing out… but that was extremely selfish of her, and she figured he wouldn’t stay single for the rest of his life.  _If I’m his daughter, I come first.  I will always be the most important person to him.  We’ll be family.  Together forever._

“Ellie?” Joel prompted her as her silence stretched into awkward territory.

On the other hand, Ellie couldn’t imagine calling him Dad.  And maybe he’d feel weird about sharing the bed with her after that.  She could just hear him now – _“Fathers do **not** sleep with their teenage daughters, we’re done with that.”  _ Even if Joel continued to sleep in the bed with her as father and daughter, there was something else.  Ellie did think of him as a father in some ways:  for the most part, she respected his authority over her life, and he was definitely more than a friend… but… but… but what?  He just… wasn’t _quite._ If he was, she wouldn’t _want_ to keep sharing the bed, right?  She told herself it was because of the nightmares and because she had trouble falling asleep on her own, but if she was completely honest, she had to admit it was more than that.  She’d thought about having _sex_ with him yesterday.  For like, two seconds, but still.  That odd flip-floppy thing that happened in her stomach sometimes… it meant _some_ thing.  He could never be like... her boyfriend, or whatever, but... was he really her dad?  All she knew for sure was that he was her Joel.  Putting a permanent conventional label on their relationship when she wasn’t 100% sure it was the correct one just felt wrong.

Then again… did it really matter that much?  Joel obviously saw her as a daughter, not… anything else.  Did she want to give up the opportunity to have Joel be hers forever because of a stupid stomach spasm?

Joel leaned forward and gently placed his hand on her back.  “Hey.  What are you thinkin’?”

She was very glad she wasn’t facing his direction.  _I’m thinking that I need more fucking time to think about this!_ She turned slightly towards him but didn’t look at him (too risky).  “Is that what you want?”

Joel was looking at _her_ , though.  Intensely.  She could feel it.  “Yes, I’d like that very much,” he said softly.  “It’s up to you.”

If she looked at him, she’d say yes, she knew it.  She wasn’t ready to say yes.  She looked at Tommy instead.  “Um… can we maybe talk about this some other time?  I don’t know if… if that would be the best thing to do.  At least not right now.”  _I’m soooo sorry, Joel, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings… please don’t hate me… please don’t be sad…_

“Of course,” Tommy replied benevolently.  Was it her imagination or did her answer make him a little sad or disappointed too?  “It’s a big decision.  Bein’ related to Joel ain’t the easiest thing, let me tell you…”

“Very funny, baby brother,” Joel said, with a chuckle that sounded forced. 

Tommy may have cut some of the tension with that little joke, but Joel _had_ to be feeling shitty, which made Ellie feel like an asshole.  She knew how she could compensate for the hurt –- well, some of it.  She kept looking at Tommy.  “As far as me leaving… it still feels like… like maybe that’s something I’m meant to do.  That… it’s something a _good_ person would do.” She shushed Joel when he started to protest that point.  “But… I think for now I can… I can do what Joel wants, and stay.”

“What do you mean, ‘for now’?” Joel asked.  Which was amusing, because it was the sort of phrase that would allow her to breezily dismiss the idea later if she changed her mind, by claiming she meant it to mean that day only or something.  And Joel knew it because they’d each done it to the other before.  She wouldn’t do it with something this significant, though.

Ellie turned toward him a little more.  Looked at his shoe.  “I mean… maybe forever.  I won’t try to leave on my own, I won’t try to get anyone to go with me or help me get Outside… I’ll stay here.  And if I think I might change my mind about leaving… I’ll talk to you about it first.  I won’t try to trick you or sneak out or anything like that.”

Joel scooted closer to her.  “Ellie, look at me.  Can you promise me that?”  He seemed to be holding his breath.

Ellie could feel that her eyes were moist but she also felt that she could control herself enough not to cry.  She knew it was important to look Joel in the eye and say it, and to suppress the childish urge to make a snarky remark about how _he_ had lied to _her_ while looking her in the eye; now wasn’t the time.  She took a deep breath and finally met his gaze.  “I promise.  I won’t leave.  I can’t promise that, um… that things will be normal, or that I’ll be… happy again, or anything like that, but… I’ll stay in Jackson.  I’ll stay with _you_.  That makes you happy, right?”  She gave him a watery smile.  _I hope this makes up for rejecting you, just a little bit…_

Joel’s eyes were bright.  He nodded, and exhaled with his whole body.  “Yes, yes it does,” he said huskily.  “Thank you.”

Joel looked so relieved, so glad that she wasn’t leaving… she impulsively leaned over and flung her arms around his neck.  He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a long, tight squeeze.  “Thank you, baby girl,” he whispered into her hair. 

In that moment, Ellie actually _did_ feel happy.  Maybe things would work out okay after all.


	15. More Than Words

Tommy left after that, saying with satisfaction that his work there was done.  Joel was so grateful to have avoided waging war with Tommy over Ellie’s ‘should-I-stay-or-should-I-go’ dilemma that he tried not to feel pissy about the fact that it was his brother who’d won her over, not himself.  The only thing that mattered was that Ellie was staying.

He believed her when she made the promise.  What worried him was that she seemed to be doing it to make him happy, not because she completely agreed with the decision.  He’d have to keep reinforcing that this was where she belonged, that she was _not_ a bad person for wanting to live her life (the idea was so ludicrous to Joel that he couldn’t believe a girl as smart as Ellie would even think it).

They decided to go back to bed for a few hours, which ended up being many hours; it was after two o’clock when Joel woke up.  He felt a moment of inexplicable panic, which immediately dissolved when he realized Ellie was right beside him, sleeping soundly.  She was on her stomach, facing towards him, her hair flopped over her face, sleep-breathing but not quite snoring.  He reached over and gently tucked the stray locks of hair behind her ear, then lay back and watched her sleep for a few minutes.  She looked so peaceful… so angelic.  Yesterday at this time he’d been franticly searching for her, afraid she might hate him, or at the very least, not want to continue living with him, yet here she was -- still wanting him to sleep in her bed, even.

It had surprised Joel when she didn’t consent to him adopting her.  It didn’t seem like she’d refused in order to avoid giving Joel veto rights on her decision:  she wasn’t planning on leaving anyhow, it was the very next thing she’d said.  Did she think he was trying to use her to replace Sarah?  He’d never compared the two, and he never would.  He was pretty sure Ellie understood that, though.  No one could ever replace Sarah in his heart.  Just like no one could replace Ellie.  And Ellie _was_ family to him, whether it was recognized or not.  He did have some non-parental feelings for her, true… but she didn’t know that, and since nothing would ever become of those feelings, father/daughter was the relation that fit the best.  He’d assumed that a kid who’d lost so many people she’d cared about would jump at the chance to form an official bond like that.  If the subject had come up two days ago, she probably would have, with no hesitation.  So, yes, Ellie had agreed to stay, and she wasn’t so pissed off at him that she couldn’t stand to be near him… but he’d fucked things up and he wasn’t out of the doghouse yet.  He still had some repairs to make. 

He started by making her a nice hot breakfast when she woke up.  Not that that was any great feat.  Just something nice.  _One step at a time.  She’ll come around._

It also bothered him that she didn’t expect to be happy anymore.  Over the next few days he tried to think of things he could do to please her… even just silly little things he could do so as not to annoy her.  Like putting the toilet seat down.  Washing his dishes right away instead of leaving them on the counter for a while -- usually it was just a drinking glass, never the remains of some five-course meal or anything, but she would always accuse him of leaving it there for her to do.  Sometimes his mind was elsewhere and he simply forgot, but he’d also taken to doing things like that on purpose just so he could tease her when she bitched about them (she was cute when she was irritated about stupid shit).  He stopped doing that now, though; he became a model roommate.  Clothes lying around on the floor didn’t seem to bother her, probably because there wasn’t much alternative… but he fetched them a hamper from Ghost Town anyway.  It wasn’t like they couldn’t use one.

One thing he thought she’d really like was a dresser.  They’d been keeping their clothes in a couple of crates on the floor, and one time, after they’d been in Jackson about a week, Ellie had grabbed a shirt from hers and freaked out when some beetle-like bug fell out of it.  The thing attempted to hide itself somewhere in the crate.  Joel had been in the other room at the time, and of course had hurried in there all concerned when he heard her shriek.  The memory still made him smile.

_"What’s wrong?!”_

_“There’s a bug!  A big one!”_

_“…a bug?”_

_“Yes!  It was on my fucking shirt!”_

_“You’re screamin’ like a girl… over a bug?”_

_"_ _It was ugly!”_

_“How many bugs have we seen since we left—“_

_“That’s different!  They’re not supposed to be in a real house, crawling through our clothes!”_

_“So, kill it then.”_

_“I don’t know where it went!  It’s somewhere down in that stack!”_

_“Okay, well, you got your shirt, it won’ bother you none, bein’ in there.”_

_“Joooeeellll!  I can’t stick my hand in there again if it’s there -- or what if it decides to go somewhere else and I don’t know where it is?!”_

_“Oh no!  You’re right, that’s jus’ terrible!  What in tarnation would become of you then?”_

_“Fuck you.  I hate you.”_

_"_ _All right, all right, lemme find it.  All the shit you been through, an’ you’re scared of a tiny little—“_

_“It was fucking huge!  And I’m not scared of it, it’s just gross, is all.”_

_“Uh-huh.  Sure sounds like you’re scared of it to me.  You better leave the room, it might go scurryin’ across the floor.  Better yet, go outside where all the other bugs are, it can’t get you there.”_

_“You’re such a dick.”_

_“So I’ve been told.  Go on, then.  I’ll play the hero and commit murder for you, will that redeem me in your eyes?”_

Yeah, that last bit wasn’t actually funny now.

Of course he’d disposed of the thing, and he was only teasing her about letting it stay there; he didn’t like bugs being in the house any more than she did, especially when he didn’t know which species were harmful or caused damage (he made a mental note to look that shit up some time).  She’d manned up after that, somewhat… if there was an insect on the floor, she’d stomp on it herself rather than ask Joel to kill it.  The ‘somewhat’ came into play when she made a big thing of it, making sure Joel knew just how brave she’d been, and how appreciative he should be that she hadn’t made him do it.  That was pretty girly (albeit adorable).  Then she’d nudge the carcass across the floor and out the door with the toe of her shoe rather than pick up the little dead body herself.  Joel would tease her about losing some of its legs along the way.

Ellie didn’t do things like that anymore… things that showed her spunk -- or much personality at all, really.  It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as a few months ago, though, thankfully.  This had a different feel to it.  And apparently she got some respite from her troubles at night; the time she was most Ellie-like, for whatever reason, was when they went to bed.

If he’d been paying more attention the day he’d gone through all those empty houses, he might have remembered if there was a really nice dresser somewhere, but he’d been so focused on finding Ellie that anything not Ellie-shaped hadn’t made enough of an impression on him to stick.  The one he’d taken would do fine (what did a ‘nice’ one look like, anyhow?).  He’d done it by the book and had the appropriate person mark it off that anal little inventory map, then dollied the thing all the way back to the house himself. 

It was such a tight fit in that little room that the only place for it was at the foot of the mattress, and the bottom drawer wasn’t even able to open all the way.  Ellie had seemed pleased with it, though.  She’d pulled out all the clothes that Joel had put away (he’d _thought_ he’d done it neatly enough) and reorganized them to her liking.  Took her time about it, too.  As he did so often these days, Joel had wondered what was on her mind.  Sometimes she would actually answer him if he asked her how she was doing or what she was thinking about, but only if she’d given some indication that she wanted to talk.  Asking out of the blue just seemed to make her more sullen.

The next day, Joel reckoned that while he was at the protection-from-bugs thing, he may as well help himself to a bed frame from Ghost Town as well -- and that one, he kept off the books.  Every time he asked her, Ellie insisted she didn’t want a ‘real’ bed.  Joel suspected she might be afraid she’d end up getting a twin-sized bed... and she was probably right about that.  He couldn’t justify getting her anything bigger, and he wasn’t sure he could move something that big without help, or without being detected.  The frame, though, that was no problem.  It would be a bitch to carry back to the house, but he’d manage, and if anyone took notice of him, they wouldn’t necessarily find it odd that a construction guy was carrying rails of metal around.  He took some tools with him for disassembly, and set out to acquire a simple metal queen-sized frame.

When Ellie went to the bedroom that night to change, she gasped in the doorway.  “What the fuck?!”

Joel walked up behind her, and scooted past her into the room so he could switch on a lamp on his side of the bed.  Now that they wouldn’t be sleeping quite so close to the floor, He’d overturned the crates to serve as end tables.  The bed still had only the one mattress, and no headboard, but it definitely looked more bed-like this way.  And now he wouldn’t have to fumble back to the bedroom in the dark after turning the light off in the other room.

“It’s startin’ to look like a real bedroom, now, ain’t it?” He sat on the bed and waited for her expression to shift from surprise to… something happy.  She just stood there and stared.  What didn’t she like about it?  “It’s the same ol’ mattress, don’ worry,” he assured her.

“But… why?  What was wrong with how it was?”

“I thought you’d like bein’ up off the floor.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, what else would it be?”

“You’re still gonna sleep in here, right?”

“Of course.  That’s got nothin’ to do with it.  Is that what you’re worried about?”

Ellie shrugged.  “Just wondering.”   She flopped down on the bed.

“See?  It’s the same thing.  Only higher.”

“It’s nice.”  She plucked at the blanket absently. 

“…but?”  Joel twisted around to lie on his side next to her, propped up on his elbow.

“It’s nothing.”  Before he could give her a Look, she rolled her eyes and recited humorlessly, “I don’t feel like answering that question for some reason I ain’t gonna tell you, Joel.  No but _really_ , it’s nothing.”

“If you say so.”  Joel couldn’t imagine what it was that bothered her about the room.  He _had_ told her he’d keep sleeping there, after all.  “So… you like it, then?”

Ellie nodded.  “Yeah.  It’s cool.  But, Joel… why are you being so nice to me?”

Joel laughed.  “What do you mean?  Ain’t I always nice to you?”

“Ha.”  At least that made her smile a little.  “You’re like… going out of your way to be _extra_ nice.  I left like one swallow of milk in the bottle and you didn’t even give me shit about it.  I _know_ you noticed, too, cuz you finished it.”

“Did you do that on purpose?”  Joel would be amused as hell if she did.

She didn’t answer the question, though.  “I thought maybe you were acting different cuz… I dunno, maybe you’re mad, or—“

“I ain’t mad.  You think… I’m bein’ _nice_ to you ‘cause I’m _mad_ at you?  That makes no sense.”  Maybe that was a girl thing.  The female brain boggled Joel’s mind sometimes.

“No, not like—“ She sighed, clearly frustrated at Joel’s inability to understand what she was saying, despite the fact that she wasn’t articulating it very well.

“Like what?  Why do you think I’m mad at you?”

“I don’t, I just wondered if maybe you were.  Okay, if you’re not mad, you’re… scared of me?”

Joel chuckled at that.  “I ain’t scared.  Why can’t I do nice things without you thinkin’ somethin’s up?”

Ellie glanced at him sideways.  “I think maybe  _you_  think you have to do stuff to make me wanna stay.  Even though I already told you I’m being selfish and not leaving.”

“You are _not_ bein’ selfish, Ellie,” he said vehemently.  “I’ll remind you every day if I have to.  You’re doin’ the only thing that makes sense.  If you feel selfish you jus’ remember how much we all need you here.  Yeah?”

She nodded, although he never knew if she really heard him when he said such things.  They seemed to float in one ear and out the other, for all the good they did.

Joel sighed.  “I jus’ wanna make things better for you, if I can.  You’ve been so quiet… “

“So have you.”

“On account of  _you_  bein’ quiet, maybe.”

Ellie rolled over on her side, propped on her elbow, mirroring Joel.  “So you’re okay?”

“Of course I’m okay.”  What the fuck?   _She_  was the one who wasn’t okay.  “You can be quiet if you want.  You can keep comin’ home after dinner instead of goin’ to the library.  Or if you want the house to yourself for a little while, that’s fine, I’ll go.  I ain’t exactly sure what you need right now so I’m jus’ … followin’ your lead, I s’pose.”

She stared at him.  He stared back.   _What is going through that head of yours, baby girl?_   “I don’t want it to myself,” she finally said.  “Do you want it to yourself sometimes?”

“No.”

“Do you wanna go do other things without me around?”

“No.”

“Never?”

Maybe she thought it was creepy, him hanging around her all the time; he didn’t follow her around the library or even stay that close to her, but if she was there, he was there in the building somewhere.  Maybe she felt smothered.  But then, why wouldn’t she tell him she wanted to be alone, especially when he asked?  “No.  If you want me to, like I said, jus’ tell me—“

“What about what  _you_  want?”

Joel blinked.  “Me?  I want you to be happy.  You know that.”

“Well, I want  _you_  to be happy.”

“Good, that works out then.”   _When did this become about me?_ The conversation was getting a little too… _feel_ -y, for Joel’s liking.  He ruffled her hair and then sat up.  “I’ll leave so you can change.”

Ellie didn’t object.  He knew she’d bring it up again if she wasn’t satisfied, and that was fine.  In the meantime, maybe he could figure out what she was getting at.  He wasn’t placing any expectations on her, and if he racked his brain, he couldn’t even think of a reason why she might even  _think_  that he was.   _I really suck at this shit._

Joel went through his nightly routine and returned to the bedroom a few minutes later to find Ellie sitting in the middle of the bed, wearing… was that one of  _his_  shirts?  “What is that?”

“It’s called a shirt.”

“Smartass.  Where’d you get it?”

“I found it when I was doing the drawers yesterday… this is the one you didn’t like, right?  You were gonna give it back cuz it made you look gay?”

 _I’m not checking her out like a sleazeball, I’m trying to determine what shirt it is._ It was a pale yellow dress shirt… it did look like maybe it was the one Joel had tried on and didn’t like.  He wasn’t crazy about the color, but that wouldn’t have mattered if it had fit decently.  He sat down in his spot on the bed.  “Yeah, I think so.  It was too small.  Looks bigger when you’re wearin’ it.”

“I like it.  I don’t wanna give it back.  What’s wrong with looking gay, anyway?”

“Nothin’… if you _are_ gay an’ wanna get hit on by other men.” 

That made her smile.  “Ah.  Good point.  Did Bill ever hit on you?”

“What?  No!”

“Aww, why not?”

“Guess I wasn’ his type.”  He hadn’t been ‘hit on’ per se by another man in Jackson, but he’d been… _vetted_ , was probably a better term for it.  Ellie didn’t need to hear about that (though she sure would get a kick out of it).  Joel got under the blanket but remained upright, unsure if Ellie was even ready to go to sleep.  She was still sitting in the middle of the bed, her bare legs splayed out to the side, shirt not even buttoned up all the way... he tried not to look at her.  “So… you’re wearin’ that to bed, are you?”

“Yep.” 

He should probably tell her not to do that… but she’d surely want to know _why_ , and that would make it worse.  _I got this._ “Aren’t you gonna put pants on?”

“Pfft.  No.”  Like it was a ridiculous question.  “I don’t wear pants under the nightgown.”  Like it was comparable.

“But the gown’s longer.  A _lot_ longer.”  _Stop glancing at her, you perv…_ did she really have to leave the top couple buttons undone like that?

“So?”

“So, you’ll be… cold.” 

“No I won’t, I’ll be under the blanket.  And _you’re_ always warm.”  She crawled over to get under the covers next to him, the front of her shirt slipping away from her body a little with the motion, and his gaze was automatically drawn to the hollow created by the unbuttoned part of her shirt.  _Jesus fucking Christ, now I’m trying to look down her shirt??_ Only for a second, then he looked away.  Thank God he hadn’t seen anything but a shadow.  He hurriedly switched off the lamp and decided that, lamp in here or not, he’d better go back to the old way of turning off the light in the other room and climbing into bed in the dark.  At least when she wore that shirt.  He hoped she wouldn’t make a habit of it… yet at the same time, he kind of hoped that she did.

Joel slid down to lay on his back with her head on his chest, their usual position.  She hitched her bare leg up over his.  _She’s your daughter she’s your daughter she’s your daughter,_ he reminded himself desperately.  Not that it worked.  Probably because it wasn’t even true -- his body knew it, even if his head didn’t want to accept it.

He began slowly stroking her hair the way she liked.  “If my brother decides to pay us any more early mornin’ visits, do _not_ answer the door in that.”

Ellie laughed softly.  “Don’t worry, you’re the only one who gets to see my legs.”

“That ain’t—“…what he meant, but he liked the sound of it anyhow.  “Well, that’s good.  I jus’ think if he saw you wearin’… I think he’d get the wrong idea about us.”  _Or the right one, depending on his point of view._

“Which he probably already has,” Ellie pointed out.  “Did he say anything to you after… the other morning?”

“He did.”  Joel was content to leave it at that, but naturally, Ellie wanted to know more.  She whined, pleaded, cajoled, threatened… Joel wouldn’t budge.  It was much more amusing to torment her than tell her the truth, as there wasn’t all that much of it to tell –- Tommy had tried to talk to him, but Joel had shut that down pretty quick, indignant that Tommy could even _think_ he’d do anything inappropriate with Ellie.  …yeah, Joel was a little bit of a hypocrite.  But he hadn’t done anything _extremely_ inappropriate.  And it wasn’t _his_ idea for her to wear a sexy shirt.  _That’s right, I am just an innocent bystander in all of this.  Sure._

Joel knew he should put an end to the bed-sharing.   After she’d run off, when he’d thought she might not want him so close to her, it had been easy to tell himself he’d start sleeping on the couch, especially when bargaining with God or whatever powers may be:   _Just let her come home safe and sound and I’ll knock that shit off_.  And when he found that she did want him in the bed, it was just as easy to put it off for a while (or indefinitely):   _I don’t want to upset her right now, she’s dealing with enough as it is… she acts normal when we’re cuddling… and she does still have nightmares sometimes…_

The truth was, he didn’t want to sleep apart any more than she did.  Was it harming her in some way he couldn’t fathom?  As long as he kept his disgusting thoughts to himself, what was so wrong with being chastely affectionate?  If the danger was that she’d come to  _rely_  on sleeping next to him… well, it might already be too late to do anything about that.  Was he somehow impeding her sexual development?  He couldn’t really ponder that one because it required him to think about other boys touching her –- _NO_ , he couldn’t go there.  She didn’t seem interested in that with anyone, so… again, no harm done, as long as he behaved.  His behavior shouldn’t even be a part of the equation, but… it was, and Joel thought maybe he shouldn’t beat himself up too much over it.  He and Ellie weren’t biologically related, nor was he the one who’d raised her –- and she didn’t even  _want_  him to be her father, at least not yet (or was it ‘not anymore’?).  The perversion factor had less to do with incest and more to do with her age. 

Mornings were… a little interesting, sometimes, but he and Ellie usually rolled off to their respective sides of the bed some time during the night, and he was careful to keep Ellie’s innocence intact.  There’d been a few times he’d awoken to find himself lying on his side directly behind her, spooning, and had to remedy that by shifting his lower half a little or by changing positions completely.  It made him wonder if she’d ever woken up before him while he’d been pressed up against her, and if so, had she noticed anything peculiar… or if there’d even been anything for her to notice.  He didn’t wake up hard _every_ day, and he figured if it didn’t happen until about the time he was waking up, even if he was in a compromising position (which wasn’t even the norm), there was a good chance Ellie was oblivious. …hopefully.  Unless the contact _caused_ it, even in his sleep?  And he had no idea if he had erections throughout the night that she may have become aware of, if she woke up at all... he really had no way of knowing without asking her, so he made assumptions based on her behavior.  She’d never mentioned it, never asked him anything related to it (even if she was in one of her ‘let’s embarrass Joel’ moods), and never had any reservations about sharing the bed with him.  One time, she was even spooning _him_ on his side of the bed when he woke up, which Joel found rather adorable.  Ellie viewed him as an oversized teddy bear, a security blanket of sorts, not some horndog perv.  Maybe he was the ostrich sticking his head in the sand here, but it seemed to him that if she knew, he would somehow _know_ that she knew.

Joel _could_ take advantage of her innocence, of course –- in theory.  But he wasn’t going to mess with her head by pushing the boundaries, experimenting with or exploiting her feelings for him.  Other guys might be tempted, if they were in his shoes… not him.  He could handle it.  He cared too much about her _not_ to.  So, if there was any man in the universe Ellie  _should_  be sleeping next to, it was him.   _How’s THAT for justification!_   Unless he had evidence that his presence in the bed was detrimental to her in some way, he figured the pros outweighed the cons.

A week later, he would come to rethink that notion.

He woke up slowly, lazily… he was _not_ on his own side of the bed, he was curled up behind Ellie with his arm slung over her.  He scooted his hips backward slightly in a reflexive motion.  _Did she feel it?  I wasn’t RIGHT up against her… I don’t think…_ He sensed that she was awake.  “Mornin’,” he mumbled into her hair, inhaling the pleasant scent of her fruity, girly shampoo.

“Morning,” she replied.  It was only one word but it sounded ‘off’ to Joel… like she was nervous, or anxious.  She was absolutely still.  It was then that it dawned on him, to his horror, that his right hand was inside her shirt, _cupping her breast_.

“Shit!”  He pulled away from her abruptly, rolled off the bed and stumbled into the bathroom.  He slammed the door so hard the house shook.  _FUCK!  Goddamnit Joel, you sick fuck, now you’ve done it._ He hastily stripped and turned the shower on cold.  He just stood there and let the water pelt him while he tried to think of something other than curses and derogatory names for himself.

“ _Fuck!”_ …did he say that one out loud?  He hoped Ellie wasn’t listening.  God, what was he gonna say to her… he had to apologize, obviously.  Should’ve done that before he bolted out of there.  But he couldn’t look at her, couldn’t stand to see the look on her face –- whatever sort of look it would be, he was sure it fell into the ‘bad’ category.  He didn’t want to know which flavor of bad.

If it had been the other way around… if he’d woken up to find Ellie’s hand somewhere it shouldn’t have been, he would have calmly removed it and probably chuckled to himself.  But girls were sensitive about shit like that.  It fucked them up.  And Ellie… oh God, what if that motherfucker David had touched her… and now Joel had just traumatized her some more. 

Why hadn’t she shoved him away?  Ellie had no trouble expressing herself when she didn’t like something that he said or did.  Did she think there were different rules in the bedroom?  That she had to go along with whatever the hell he wanted?  Was she afraid not to, because she thought he’d decide to sleep elsewhere otherwise?  Or that he’d be unhappy with her?  She did say she wanted him to be happy…

 _Ugh._ He should have known something like this would happen sooner or later.  What the fuck was he thinking, sharing a bed with a child?  And of course, his hand hadn’t just grazed the outside of her shirt, it had slithered in there… would she believe him when he said it was an accident?  That he’d been asleep?  Yes, she _had_ to know that much, at least -- she had woken up before him.  And she was just lying there, frozen.  Probably trying to be brave.  Or being reminded of that son of a bitch David.

Well, at least he’d finally break them both of the bed-sharing habit now.Would she be upset with him for ruining that?  Or maybe she wouldn’t want him within ten feet of her now, him and his filthy groping hands.

Whatever the case may be, he needed to put aside his shame enough to apologize.  He’d left the room so fast he didn’t even know if she was okay.  Relatively okay, that is.  Of course she wasn’t okay, she’d woken up to find a pervert molesting her.  Poor Ellie.  How long had his hand been there?!

Joel got out of the shower without even washing up at all.  He hadn’t taken the time to pick out some clothes before he’d darted across the hall, and he wasn’t going to subject Ellie to seeing him in a towel again, so he put his night things back on and opened the door.

“Ellie?”

She wasn’t in the bedroom… or the other room.  She was gone.  And, parent of the year that he was, Joel felt relieved that he didn’t have to face her yet.  He checked the time; it was about forty minutes after her alarm would have gone off.  He had seen her set it last night, so she must have woken up early (probably when his hand had decided to fondle her) and switched it off ahead of time.  Damnit, she probably _was_ lying there a while with his fucking hand on her.  Maybe with his dick pressed up against her ass, too.

They didn’t always have breakfast together, but he was going to work earlyish that day and they _were_ planning on eating together –- he had commented that they could split the last apple with their oatmeal.  It was past the time she usually left for the farm, so it wasn’t surprising that she’d skip it… and he noticed the apple was gone.  She’d probably gotten dressed as fast as she could, grabbed it to eat on the run, and gotten the fuck out of there.  _At least she’s not too disgustedly sick to her stomach that she doesn’t want to eat?_

And she didn’t usually shower in the morning –- especially not before going to the farm -- so that wasn’t unusual.  He recalled that she’d just showered before dinner last night.  But wouldn’t she _want_ to shower now to try to get that unclean feeling off of her?  Maybe that was just a Hollywood thing, that girls who’d been assaulted would go sit in the shower and cry their hearts out.

 _I didn’t assault her, though, goddamnit.  She HAS to know I didn’t mean it.  I hope that makes a difference… that she can forgive me._ He thought about going down to the farm… and decided against it.  If she really wanted to talk to him, she would have waited.  Maybe she didn’t even go to the farm, if she was too upset.  It didn’t matter… either way, she wouldn’t want to see Joel any time soon.

 _When is she going to get fed up with me fucking shit up?_  


	16. Bat Out of Hell

Joel had never been one to shy away from manual labor, and when he was pissed off, it was a welcome outlet for the rage.  He was supposed to head out with the guys to fell a couple of trees, but he opted to stay behind and start chopping up what they’d hauled in yesterday.

Craig looked skeptical.  “I don’t think so, Joel… we only got them two chainsaws, and the one prob’ly won’t even—“

“No no,” Joel cut him off.  “I don’ need a chainsaw.  I’ll use a handsaw, an’ then split ‘em with the maul.”

Craig looked even more skeptical.  “Shit, you lookin’ for a workout or what?”

“Somethin’ like that.  Unless you need another body out there…”

“Nah, that’s alright, you go for it.  Just don’t overdo it.  If we get back and find you passed out from exhaustion, I’ll kill ya.”  The threat was tempered with a grin.

“Understood,” said Joel, smirking at the thought of passing out just from swinging an axe for a while.  Craig was only a few years older than Joel, and he did a fair share of the labor, but Joel was in better shape than the other man.  Craig was better suited to bossing the others around, and mentoring the younger guys (as well as a couple gals, a concept Joel couldn’t get used to… the only women he’d known in construction had been office workers).  Joel appreciated that Craig didn’t micromanage him, not even in the beginning when all he knew about Joel was Tommy’s word.  Of course, Tommy’s word did seem to carry a lot of weight in Jackson. 

He was glad Tommy had dropped the bed thing quickly.  Joel was sure he still had suspicions, but he seemed content to leave it be.  As well he should -- it was none of his goddamn business anyway.  And yet Joel heard his brother’s unspoken ‘I told you so’ in his head now that Joel had fucked up.  Unspoken and un-thought, for all Joel knew (it’s not like he’d admitted to sleeping in Ellie’s room), but he was irrationally pissed off at Tommy anyway. 

Hacking away at logs was a good way to pass the morning.  By lunchtime, Joel started to wonder if maybe he was overreacting a bit.

Maybe he should try to catch Ellie at home before going to Tommy’n’Maria’s.  He couldn’t remember if she was working at the library this afternoon or not.  He could check her schedule while at the house, too; they each had a computer-printed calendar page, which listed their June assignments, pinned on the refrigerator.  Sometimes things changed, but Ellie was pretty good about updating hers.

He thought about it and realized he still didn’t really want to see her.  What an asshole.   _It ain’t Ellie’s fault.  Gonna have to face her sooner or later._   ‘Later’ was fine with Joel.  Maybe the day away would do her some good.   _Coward._

Craig eventually persuaded him to call it a day.  It was still too early to go to Tommy’s and he didn’t want to risk going to the library, so he took a walk around the lake.  He found a nice shady spot to relax under a big ol’ weeping willow tree.  He still didn’t take this for granted, and he knew Ellie didn’t either… being able to simply  _be_.  To rest without a purpose of ‘resting up for’ the next leg of the journey, or to nurse an injury.  To be able to sit outside without worrying about being attacked.  He wasn’t entirely unworried… hadn’t been so for twenty-one years now.  He was still aware of his surroundings, and he would never take a nap out here, like some people did.  But there had been no raids, and no serious altercations with other Jackson residents; he did feel relatively safe.  

And most folks were friendly.  Joel was friendly in return.  A year ago, he wouldn’t have bothered.  It was Ellie’s influence, he was sure of it.  She made him a better person.  He’d never be a social butterfly, but he was starting to regard people as humans again.  Now he was sitting a good forty feet from the path around the water’s edge, yet everyone who passed by looked over at him and waved or called out a hello.  Well, five or six people, maybe.  Not the young couple strolling past, arms around each other’s waists, so absorbed in each other that they probably wouldn’t even see him if he got in their path.  He felt a pang of regret on Ellie’s behalf.   _She should get to do that… to be a normal girl…_

But that thought had occurred to him before and, in this context, he always dismissed it on account of the only person he wanted her to be that close to was himself.  Yes, it was selfish; he was a fucking selfish bastard who didn’t deserve her.  But, fuck it.  He believed that Ellie didn’t need to be ‘normal,’ as long as she was happy.  He knew there would come a time when she would become interested in someone romantically, and Joel would have to do his best not to wring the boy’s neck for… well, anything.  He didn’t need a reason.  Until then, he would enjoy being the sole recipient of her affections.

Then he remembered that he may have just fucked up all that.  Maybe she wouldn’t be completely creeped out by him, she just wouldn’t want to share the bed anymore?  No use dwelling on it before he’d even talked to her and gauged her state of mind.  Joel resigned himself to seeing her at dinner, which hopefully wouldn’t be too awkward, and then talking to her at home afterwards.  Maybe this would renew her interest in socializing at the library.Not that he didn’t like being at home with her (when awkward conversations were not pending, at least), but he would rather see her happily doing all the things she liked doing before, instead of pretending to read a book while not turning a page for half an hour.

Ellie was already at the house when he got there.  She was helping Maria do something in the kitchen.  Tommy was upstairs talking to someone on the walkie (and Joel reminded himself he wasn’t actually pissed at his brother, even though it _was_ Tommy’s face he’d imagined on some of those logs).  No one else seemed to be in the house, which was strange.  He said hello and stood awkwardly in the doorway of the dining/kitchen area.

“Joel!”  Ellie quickly rinsed her hands in the sink, wiped them on a towel, and hustled over to him.   “Guess what!”

She was excited.  Apparently not disturbed by his presence on sight, at least.  “What!” he answered, mimicking her enthusiasm.  Funny how easy it was to act like nothing was different.

“I had another panic attack.”  Joel blinked.  _That_ was something to get excited about?  Before he could say anything, she continued.  “And it was in here again.  I know what made it happen!”

“You… _know?_ How?”  And if this morning had anything to do with it, would she really discuss it in front of Maria?  Maybe she discussed the incident itself with Maria… _ugh._ “Are you all right?”

Ellie nodded.  “Yeah I’m fine.  I know _one_ thing, anyway.  It can’t be the whole thing because it wouldn’t have happened when I was out traveling with you.  At least, not all the time, or even most of the time.”

“All right, so what’re you talkin’ about?  What is it?”

“It’s this knife.”  She went back to the counter, picked up a chef’s knife and flashed it at him, then set it back down.  “The sound it makes must be similar enough to… what _they_ were doing.  It’s a trigger!”

“Huh.”  _At least getting molested didn’t do it._ “How did you figure it out?”

“I don’t know what made it like, click, but… after, I told Maria I thought it might be that.  Remember I was here last time it happened?  So I watched her chop stuff, and then _I_ chopped stuff, and I stayed focused the whole time and it didn’t bother me at all.  I bet I won’t have them anymore.”

Joel wasn’t sure exactly what that exercise was supposed to prove, and not inclined to believe it meant she’d put an end to the attacks… maybe for the times when she was expecting the trigger?  Since Ellie was convinced she was on to something, he wasn’t about to rain on her parade.  Maybe it was one of those mind-over-matter deals.  “That’s great.  So you’re cured?  And you didn’ even need to go see the shrink.”

Maria chuckled.  “Claire’s not a shrink, and I still think it would be good for Ellie to talk to her.  You too, for that matter.  I know, I know, don’t look at me like that, you’ll never go, I just had to say it.”  She started ladling stew from a crockpot into four bowls, handing them off to Ellie and Joel, and then to Tommy, who had apparently already heard about this earlier.  “Ellie was brave,” Maria continued.  “The attack itself didn’t last that long, either.  Less than five minutes, I’d say.” 

“Damn.  That _is_ good news.  Well done, Ellie.”  Joel hadn’t witnessed one in a while, but he couldn’t remember them ever being that short.  He took his usual seat at the table.

“Pfft, it’s not like I did anything,” Ellie mumbled, ducking her head, but Joel could tell she was pleased.  She took her usual seat, too, right next to him.  _Well, why wouldn’t she?  Just because I groped her in the bed don’t mean she expects me to start groping her everywhere else._

“Yes you did,” Maria said, looking at Ellie fondly as she placed the ice water pitcher on the table and took her seat.  “It looked to me like you had more control over it this time.”

“It still felt like I was gonna die.  It’s so stupid –- I _know_ what they are, that I’m not having a heart attack or anything.  And I know I’m not in danger, but it feels like… like I’m more scared than I was any time I _was_ actually in danger.  I don’t get it.”

“Did you lay down for a while afterwards?” asked Joel.  The panic response seemed to suck all the energy out of her.

“After we finished doing the pot I did, yeah.  I guess it’s good no one came over this afternoon, huh.”

“Where _is_ everyone?  There some party goin’ on none of us got invited to?” Joel mused.

“Did you forget already?” Tommy said with mock exasperation.  “We just talked about it last night.  You’re gettin’ senile an’ you still got, what, three months? to go before you’re officially old.”

“Shit, I did forget!  Fuck you, you’re right behind me.”  Family movie night… which apparently included dinner as well.  It was supposed to be last week –- three nights, actually –- but Ellie wasn’t up for it, so they’d rescheduled.  Just for one night this time, to watch the first film in the _Back to the Future_ trilogy, and see how it went.

“No I ain’t, I got _yeeeears_ to go.  You’ll be _really_ old by the time I get there.  Walkin’ with a cane, shittin’ yourself…”

Maria punched his arm.  Fairly hard, too, much to Joel’s amusement.  “Please.  We’re eating.  And fifty’s not old!  Seventy, seventy-five… _that’s_ old.”

Tommy looked for an ally in the teenager at the table. “Ellie.  Ain’t fifty about as old as dirt?”

Joel snorted.  “You can’t ask her.  _Twenty_ is old to her.”

Ellie shook her head.  “Nah.  Twenty’s not that old.  Twenty-five, thirty… that’s kinda old.”

They all got a laugh out of that.  Joel smirked at Tommy.  “See?  All of us are old.”

“But I don’t think fifty’s that bad, really,” Ellie added, glancing at Joel over her spoon.  Like she was trying to make him feel better?  How sweet.  And Joel wasn’t even upset.

“Thank you, Ellie,” said Joel, shooting a smug look at Tommy.  “I figure I got another ten years of middle age, at least.  Twenty, by Maria’s measure.”

“Definitely,” said Maria.  “And every year you survive is like a badge of honor.  We have two octogenarians in Jackson, you know.”

"Both of ‘em women,” Tommy pointed out.  “It used to be said that women tend to live longer than men.  I reckon it’s still true.”

“You jus’ watch, I’ll outlive all of ‘em here,” Joel said overconfidently, for Ellie’s benefit.  He knew it bothered her to think about the fact that he was far more likely to die before she did, if you took the possibility of getting killed by an enemy out of the equation.  If she still cared about that, after what he— _of course she does, Joel, don’t be an idiot._

She was quiet through most of the meal, but that was pretty normal these days.  She would speak when spoken to and no more than that.  Sometimes she didn’t seem to be paying attention to the conversation.  But she didn’t seem sullen or sad or… traumatized.  When Maria asked her if she still wanted to watch the movie, she said yes, which was kind of surprising to Joel.  _Well, why wouldn’t she?  Just because I groped her—_ yeah, Joel needed to quit leading with that in his head.  He needed to talk to her about it and see what was what.

Of course, she could have just said yes as a means of avoiding going home.  That was really the only reason Joel wanted to watch it, actually.  He still hadn’t watched a movie since they’d arrived in Jackson.  Ellie had tried to interest him in watching movies with her, both here at Tommy’n’Maria’s and at the library, and he’d always declined the offer.  Didn’t matter what kind of movie it was.  When she’d ask why, he’d say he just didn’t feel like it.  She’d ask why he didn’t feel like it, he’d say he just didn’t.  Eventually she asked if it had to do with not wanting to think about the past, and everything he’d lost… Joel didn’t like to admit it, but she’d hit the nail on the head.  

If he could look at movies through the lens Ellie seemed to have –- where none of it was real, it was all pure fantasy, no matter what kind of movie it was –- it would be different.  She didn’t push him after that.  He did agree to do this, though, and if it was torture, he wouldn’t do it again.  And now he certainly wasn’t about to dissuade her when this was the first time she’d wanted to watch a movie in two weeks.  If it helped Ellie get back into watching movies again herself, it would be worth it. 

When the table was cleared and dishes done, two bowls of library-swiped popcorn on hand, the four of them settled in to watch the movie.  Tommy and Maria took the side couch, figuring Joel and Ellie would be more comfortable on the one that faced the television.  Tommy was all sprawled out, Maria right in front of him, leaning back against his chest… Joel would have been just fine sitting like that with Ellie, his arm occasionally reaching around her under the pretense of grabbing some popcorn… yeah, probably not appropriate.  And probably uncomfortable for Ellie, considering…

And yet, she did sit close to him.  He took one corner of the couch and figured she’d take the other… nope.  Right alongside him.  He could have put his arm around her shoulders, but he resisted the temptation.   _Maybe she thinks I’m gonna freak out or something.  It’s just a fucking movie.  …I only freak out when I accidentally molest young girls_.  Or maybe she simply did it so as not to hog the popcorn bowl.

Joel hadn’t seen this movie since he was a kid, probably forty years ago.  He’d forgotten a lot of it.  He was glad to see that Ellie got into it right away.  She asked if it would annoy anyone if she had questions, and the three of them encouraged her to ask away.  Maria said they could always pause it or rewind it if need be.  Tommy and Maria hadn’t even been alive in the eighties, so Joel was dubbed ‘the expert’ -- even though he had only the fuzziest of memories from the decade, and was only a year old when the movie came out.  Ellie asked general questions ( _“Was skateboarding behind cars a thing back then?” “Did people really wear life preservers around like that?” “Did you go to dances at your school?”_ ) and some that were more Joel-specific ( _“Did you ever do any rock band auditions?”  “Did you ever have your name embroidered on your underwear?”)._   Ellie _loved_ Biff’s ‘make like a tree and get outta here’ pun ( _“He fucked it up!  Haha!  That’s a good one!”_ ).  Joel cringed at the ‘destiny’ stuff with Marty and George, wondering if it would bother Ellie, but it didn’t seem to.  She laughed at Marty feeding George such lines that girls allegedly like to hear, and asked Joel if he’d ever said anything cheesy like that to a girl -- which inspired Tommy to make up some bullshit story about Joel saying shit he’d never say in a million years to some girl in high school.  Joel got even with him by making up an even worse scenario for Tommy at the part where George flubbed the line and said ‘density’ instead.  Then they had to rewind the dvd because all four of them were laughing too much.

Joel managed to forget about the whole molestation thing for most of the time.  There were a couple scenes that brought it to mind, but he cast a sidelong glance at Ellie and found that they didn’t appear to bother her at all; from what he could see, she was absorbed in the story.  When there was about half an hour of movie left, Ellie leaned against him, her head on his shoulder.  It was like she’d completely forgotten that morning, or maybe Joel had dreamed the whole fucking thing.  He finally put his arm around her –- so that she’d be more comfortable _._ Right.  Well, Tommy and Maria didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with them sitting like that (he knew that Tommy, at least, would be death-glaring at him from time to time if he deemed it inappropriate).  _Why am I so fussed about what it looks like?  Some kids are snugglier than others.  Ellie likes to snuggle.  It ain’t a sexual thing._

Of course, no one realized that with Ellie, Joel had this sort of… well, perverse attraction, if he was calling a spade a spade.  But that was Joel’s problem.  He’d deal with it on his own and no one would be the wiser.  It didn’t mean that he didn’t genuinely love Ellie -- of course he did.  That much was apparently obvious to all.  And he wasn’t attracted to any of the other young girls in town… it was just Ellie.  Somehow that made him feel like less of a sick fuck.  Or maybe it was because by now he’d absorbed the label into his psyche and accepted it as part of himself, like it was one facet of being a bad person -- and that hadn’t bothered Joel for a long time.  Hurting Ellie was what bothered him… and she didn’t seem to be hurt. 

So family movie night was deemed a success, and they planned to make it a fairly regular thing.  On the walk home, Ellie chattered away, just like old times –- the ‘old times’ of a couple weeks ago.  She coaxed him into sharing some memories of high school (more factual accounts than what Tommy had portrayed them to be).  Their conversation was light-hearted, comfortable, easy… but Joel knew that as soon as they were safely inside, the Incident would need to be addressed.

He asked her to sit with him on the couch for a bit.  She plopped down next to him sideways and looked at him curiously.  “It was fun watching that movie, huh.  For you, I mean.  You didn’t get… sad, or whatever, did you?”

“No, I guess I didn’t.”  Joel hadn’t even realized it.  Ellie’s presence had probably been the biggest factor in that regard.  “What about you?  Gonna go back to watchin’ things like before?”

She chuckled.  “Maybe.  I guess it’s like…” She paused to think for a long moment.  “If you really think about _any_ thing in life, if you focus on it, it will seem small… like, insignificant.  Not always pointless, but small.  Like, drinking a glass of water.  Our bodies need it so it’s not pointless, but it’s not like there’s great meaning in it either… or like… milking the cows, feeding all the animals… shit has to get done, day in, day out, we do it over and over and there’s always more to do…”

Leave it to Ellie to start waxing existential while he was trying to figure out how to bring up the subject of accidental abuse.  “And… ?  What’s that got to do with movies?”

“Um… well, the movie was a total waste of time, not anything that had to get done, at all.  But it was _fun._ And watching it by myself, it still woulda been fun, I think, but it was definitely more fun with you guys there, laughing and… _sharing_ it, you know?”

“…right… ?”  _I’m sorry I grabbed you, I swear I was asleep…_

“Like… not everything has to be about _meaning_ , and purpose… and gotta-get-this-done… it’s the _other_ shit, the stuff that’s _not_ important, that’s actually _more_ important.  Cuz if you don’t have that, you might as well be dead.  And if you do have it, then… it _all_ matters, every little thing, and you don’t have to look for anything else because you’re not going to find it.  …Does that even make sense?”

“Sure.  Er… sort of.”  She’d lost him after the not important/more important bit.  _It was an accident.  You know I would never do anything like that to you on purpose, don’t you?_

She’d lost her steam on that train of thought anyway.  “I dunno.  It felt good to have fun again, I guess.  For two whole hours, or whatever it was.”

 _You seem happy now but we HAVE to talk about this before going to bed._ “Right.  So, uh…”  Joel coughed.  Stared at his knee.  “Glad you enjoyed it.  Ellie… about… you know, earlier…”  _Nice segue, Joel._

She waited.  “What?  Earlier being…?”

“You know.  This morning?”

“What about it?”

Christ, she wasn’t going to make this easy, was she.  “I, uh…”

“What?”

He took a deep breath and looked her in the eye.  “I’m sorry,” he said simply.  She didn’t look upset, but he went back to staring at his knee right after uttering the words anyhow.

“Oh.  Okay.”

“No, it’s _not_ okay.  I shouldn’t’ve… it was an accident.  You know that, right?”

“You… accidentally ran out of the room like a… what’s that expression… bat outta hell?  I wonder what the poor bats did to end up in hell.”

“Well, no, that wasn’ an accident.  You know… before.”

She was quiet.  He looked at her again.  Was she blushing?  She’d gotten pretty decently sunburned the other day so it was hard to tell.  She _had_ to know what he was referring to.  Was she really going to make him say it?

“Ellie… I was asleep, I didn’ know I was…” He coughed again.

“Oh, that.”  Finally she acknowledged it!  Her tone was more nonchalant than embarrassed.  “What was so awful about it?”


	17. Playing With Fire

When he’d imagined Ellie’s reaction to his apology, Joel had anticipated one of several possibilities.  This was not one of them.  “Are you serious?” 

She looked serious.  “Um, yeah?  So you felt me up in your sleep.  Like you said, it was an accident.”

He winced at the phrasing.  “You know I’d never knowingly do that to you, don’tcha?”

“Yeah, I guess, after you ran off like that.  Like it was the worst thing ever.”

“I’m sorry about that too, I jus’… freaked out a little… I shoulda told you I was sorry right away.”

Ellie shrugged.  “I don’t care about _that_ , I just wonder…"

”You wonder what?” 

She looked uncomfortable now.  “I mean… really, what was so awful about it?” she asked again, quietly.  She looked at the same spot Joel had earlier -- his knee.

Joel blinked.  “What was so awful?  No one should be touchin’ you, Ellie.  Period.  Not me, not anyone.”

“Well… okay, so… besides you thinking that.  What was so bad?”

“What?  I just told you.”

“ _Besides_ that.  You acted like… I mean… was there something…”  She was definitely blushing now.  Red as a tomato.  And she left the half-asked question hanging there.

“I don’ understand.”

“Never mind.  But… it’s fine, Joel.  Really.”

Joel sighed.  “It’s not.  You’re... okay, though?”

“Of course.  Why would I not be okay?”

“I jus’ thought that… maybe you were reminded of… things.”

She looked at him squarely.  “No.  Not at all.  Did you really think… is _that_ why you acted all weird?”

“Partly.  Yeah.  You’re sure?”

“Oh my God.  It was _nothing_ like that.  You’re… _you_.  He was a creep.”

Well, _that_ was a relief.  But…  “It was still… uh… unwanted.”

“I didn’t mind, actually.”

“You… _what?_   You _should_ fucking mind.  Ellie, I was sleepin’.  I didn’ do it on purpose.”

“Yeah, and?  I didn’t mind.”

Joel groaned.  How could she be so casual about it?  “Well, you shoulda pushed me away or elbowed me or somethin’.  You don’ have to, uh… put up with it.”

“If I minded, I would have done something,” she said matter-of-factly.

“You know I didn’ mean to do it.”

“Yes!  You’ve said it a hundred times.  I _know._   And I’m telling you, it’s fine!”

She didn’t mind.  Truly.  She wasn’t just trying to please him.  She didn’t mind?  How the fuck could she not?!  “Well, next time, you push me away— er…no, there ain’t gonna be a next time, so it don’ matter.”

“Soooo, what, you’re gonna have me tie your hands together?”  She smiled.  “I can do that.  Problem solved.”

“No, I’m gonna sleep on the couch where I shoulda been sleepin’ all along.”

The smile vanished.  “What?  No you’re not!”

“I am.  It’s inappropriate for us to sleep in the same bed.”

“I just told you it doesn’t matter!  I’m fine!  _God_!”

“Well, I wanna make sure you _stay_ fine.”

“I will, if you’re in there with me!  Jesus, Joel, you can’t punish me because of this, it’s not fair!”

“I ain’t punishin’ you.  It’s for your own good!”  He was punishing himself, though.  It was long overdue.

“Ugh!”  She hopped up and started pacing, just like he did sometimes when he was angry.  “I can’t believe this.  What the fuck, Joel?!  Stop doing things that you say are for my own good that really aren’t!”

 _Fuck_.  He didn’t want to get into all _that_ shit again.  “Keepin’ you from getting hurt _is_ for your own good, Ellie.”  He felt weird sitting down while she was walking around, so he stood up.  Watched her pace back and forth in front of him like a perturbed lioness.

“I wasn’t hurt!  Fucking— _God._ I just _told_ you!  It was nothing!  I don’t care!”  She stopped right in front of him.  “You’re acting like I was sleeping with some perv.  It was just you!  You can touch me wherever you want and I wouldn’t care!”

Uh… _what_?  “Jesus Christ, Ellie, don’ say shit like that.  It ain’t like I _wanted_ to—“

“OBVIOUSLY!”

Damn, she was fucking furious.  Awkward as it was, though, she was talking to him, and he was glad about that.  Hot fury was easier to deal with than cold silence.  “Right, well, it still happened, an’ it wouldn’ta happened if you were sleepin’ by yourself.  Simple as that.”

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared him down.  “Great.  Fucking great.  So because _you_ think something terrible happened, I have to be awake all night, or if I do eventually crash from exhaustion, I’ll have nightmare after nightmare, and you’ll just be snoring away out here happily while I, like… never sleep again.  Because that’s what _you_ want.”

Joel sighed.  “Ellie, don’ be so dramatic.  You know this is the right thing to do.  You’ll get used to it and sleep jus’ fine, trust me.”  Himself, on the other hand…

“Fuck you.  I will not.  I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

“I’m doin’ it _for_ you, not _to_ you.”

She glared at him.  “I think you’re doing it for _you_.  What are you so afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of hurtin’ you.  Which I risk doin’ if I keep sleepin’ with— in there.”

Ellie snorted.  “But you’re doing that right now.  On purpose, too.  And you don’t care.  You don’t care how _I_ feel about it.”

“Ellie, I care.  You know that.  But this is what’s best.”

She rolled her eyes, glared at him icily one more time, and stalked off into the bedroom.  She pulled her nightshirt (the sexy one) out of the dresser and stomped into the bathroom.  For the second time that day, the bathroom door got slammed hard.

Joel changed into his pajama pants and tank top and sat on the bed, facing the door, leaving the room dark.  He hated upsetting her.  What could he say to her that would make her understand?  He should probably just let her be.  If she was mad enough, maybe she wouldn’t want him in there anyway and it would be easier… being angry with him had never changed her mind about it before, though. 

Ellie brushed her teeth and did whatever else she did in there to get ready for bed, then came back to the bedroom and stopped in the doorway.  “What are you doing in here?  You better get out, you might hurt me,” she said coldly.

He _haaaated_ it when she got sarcastic like that.  “Ellie… please, jus’…try an’ understand.  I ain’t doin’ it to hurt you.”

“Then why are you?”  She stayed in the doorway, an angry silhouette.

“I told you.  You’re safer this way.”

“I’m not.  I’m safer with you than without you,” she said quietly.

“I’ll still be here.  Right outside.  You can leave the door open if you want.”  It was like a replay of their first night here.

Ellie sat next to him.  “Joel, _please._ If it really bothers you, can’t you just sleep way over on your side and I’ll stay on mine?”

Joel regarded her skeptically.  “Easier said than done.”

“What do you mean?  You just… do it.”

“If I’m here, you’ll want me to pet your hair an’ you’ll fall asleep like that an’ it’ll be the same as it was.”

“Well, that’s a _good_ thing.”

“No, it ain’t.  This mornin’s proof of that.”

Ellie sighed.  “Then why are you still here?  Leave and I’ll just lay here awake all night cuz I don’t dare close my eyes.”

Joel knew she was exaggerating, but he still didn’t like the thought of her struggling with her demons on account of him.  “I’m sorry, baby girl.”

“If you’re sorry then can’t you just… stay here until I fall asleep?  Please?  There’s no harm in that, right?”

 _I shouldn’t.  I really shouldn’t._ “Well… all right.  For tonight, at least.”  He started to get up and Ellie grabbed his arm.

“Don’t get up –- I’ll check the house and get the light.  If _you_ do it, I don’t trust you to come back in here.  Lie down and don’t move.”  She gave him a little push backwards and scampered away.

“Yes ma’am,” said Joel amusedly.  At least her mood sure could change quickly… when she got her way.

He stayed in that position, lying across the bed instead of in his usual spot.  The house went dark.  Ellie bumped into the wall coming back into the bedroom.  “Fuck,” she muttered.

“You all right?”

“Yes –- Joel, get in the bed!”  She clambered up next to him.

“I _am_ , I’m right here!”

“Your feet are on the floor like you’re gonna leave!”

“Well, you told me not to move.”

She tried to tug him backwards and he didn’t budge.  “You can move now, silly!”

“Nope, this is comfy.”

She got directly behind him, wedged her arms under his armpits and pulled backwards, with what Joel presumed was all her strength.  She grunted, tugged, grunted some more, tugged, made frustrated noises.  “Joooeeeelllllll,” she whined.

“All right, I s’pose I can scoot back some.  Try again.”

She pulled and he launched himself back enough to knock her backward, too, making her squeal.  He was completely on the mattress now, Ellie halfway underneath his back.  “This is pretty comfy, too.”  He stretched out as if he were yawning, but did it in such a way that he covered up more of her, and she giggled.  He loved her giggle.  He rarely got to hear it.

 _I should quit playing with her and just lie the fuck down where I’m supposed to._ But… it was fun.  And he was diffusing her anger, or some shit.  _Right._   “Are you comfortable down there?” he teased.

“No, but I will be!”  He let her start wriggling free and then dropped on her like a dead weight again.  She was perpendicular beneath him, and now her arms were free.  She tried to roll him off of her or push herself out from beneath him, Joel wasn’t sure which.  It didn’t work.  Then she grabbed his arm.  Curious to see what she’d do, he left it slack.  She managed to extend it over his head, and tried to push him over.

“The log roll!  Works better if you’re not underneath the person.  I think you’re s’posed to bend my knee, too.”

“Argh, why are you so heavy?” she moaned, laughing.

“Aww, you’re stuck.  Too bad.”

She struggled a little and then stopped.  “Ow.  I think you’re crushing my rib cage.”

“What?”  Immediately he arched his back and she scrambled free.

“Ha!  Gotcha!”  She straddled him –- over his stomach, though, nearly on his chest, _thank God_ –- and did her impression of an evil laugh.  It was way too cute to be effective.  “You didn’t really think I was _that_ fragile, did you?”

“Clever girl.  You knew I wouldn’ take that chance,” he said, chuckling.  She had both of his hands pinned over his head.  “Oh no, now _I’m_ stuck, I’ll never get out of this.”  He mock-sighed loudly.

She giggled again.  “I _might_ let you up, eventually.  If you’re nice to me.”

“How can I be nice to you if I can’t do nothin’?”  _Not that this position ain’t conducive to a few nice things…_ yeah, the dirty thoughts were dancing through his head now.

“Um… I dunno, I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

If Ellie could read his mind, she’d have no problem whatsoever with him sleeping on the couch.  She relaxed a little, apparently trying to think of something nice for him to do, and he slowly started to get up.

“Nooooo!” she shrieked, throwing her full weight on him again. 

“Ahh, fuck, almost got away,” he said, feigning helplessness.  He pretended to struggle… pretended that whatever she did was actually effective in keeping him there.  The lewd thoughts weren’t just dancing, they were running laps.  _I’m romping around in bed with a fifteen-year-old.  Classy.  Well, I don’t really give two shits._

“You’ll never get away now!”  She lay down on his chest, her face in his neck, but then she started sliding down… Joel reckoned he’d better move before things got awkward –- _more_ awkward, rather.  He rolled over so he was on top of her, holding her down with his upper body, pinning her hands next to her head.  Since she’d been straddling him, her legs were now coiled around him, her shirt hiked up to her stomach.  He made sure his groin was safely below where it wanted to be.  _Torture.  Why do I do this to myself?_

Because it still felt good.  It was fun.  Exciting.  Wrong as hell, but that didn’t seem to matter to him anymore –- as long as he controlled himself.

Ellie strained against him, still giggly and squirmy.  “You might as well give up, I got you,” he growled.

After a few moments she went quiet and still, aside from her panting.  He could feel her chest heaving, her heart racing.

And he wanted to kiss her like crazy.  The urge was _really_ fucking strong.  It was too dark to see her face, but in his mind, she was looking up at him with the same desire he felt, waiting for him to make a move… his mouth was just inches away from hers, he could practically taste her…

Fortunately, logic prevailed, and it occurred to him that her heartbeat could be accelerated because this was reminiscent of another time she’d been pinned down, unable to break free -- scared for her life.

Joel pulled away abruptly.  “Sorry!  Sorry.”  He quickly got under the blanket in his usual spot.  “Are you all right?”

Ellie groaned.  Loudly.  “Can you just stop fucking apologizing when there’s nothing you need to be sorry for?”

Her annoyance was reassuring.  “Good, then you’re all right.”

“Of course!  Why the fuck wouldn’t I be?”  She scooted over to his side and slithered beneath the blanket. 

He put his arm around her and tried to force his own heartbeat to slow down by sheer will (although the former was probably counterproductive to the latter).  “I dunno.  I s’pose I worry too much.”

“You _totally_ do,” Ellie said, sighing.  “Believe me.  There’s nothing you can do to me that would… make me _not_ okay.”

 _That is not what my naughty brain needs to hear right now, little girl._ “You don’ know that.”

“I do too,” she insisted.  “That was so fun.  You didn’t have to stop.”

 _Oh yes I fucking did._ Ellie was so innocent, she had no idea what he’d almost done.  Thank God he’d caught himself before causing irreparable damage to their relationship.  He was going to have to be a hell of a lot more careful in the future.  “I believe in quittin’ while I’m ahead.”

“Ha ha.  Good thing -- I was like, five seconds away from winning.”

“Mmhmm.  I could tell.”  He lightly threaded his fingers through her hair.

“That’s why your heart’s beating like mad, you were scared of me!” she teased.

“Damnit, you ain’t s’posed to know that.  Don’ tell no one.  I got a reputation to uphold.”

“I can keep a secret.  As you know.  We have _lots_ of secrets now,” she purred.  She sounded… flirtatious.  _No, you asshole.  She’s just teasing._

“Mmhmm.  Does that bother you?” he asked, serious.

“Nope.  Like you said, it’s nobody else’s business.”

She had a way of making things sound dirty, even though she said them innocently.  Maybe it was his guilty conscience that he all but completely ignored now.  “And you _would_ tell me if somethin’ bothered you, wouldn’tcha?  If I did anything that… made you feel…”  He trailed off and let her fill in the blank.

Ellie sighed.  “Yeeeessss.  Joel, don’t worry about me.  Hey, would it make you feel better if I touched _you_ somewhere private so we’d be even?”  Followed by that adorable giggle.

 _Oh yes, I’m sure that would make me feel juuuust fine, thank you._ Joel laughed.  He mussed up her hair and let his hand fall to her arm.  “No, that would only make me feel worse.”

“What?  That’s dumb.”

“Why is it dumb?”

“It’s only fair.”

“It wouldn’ be the same thing.”

“I bet it would be exactly the same thing.”

“How do you figure that?”  He should stop talking to her about this, but… _I’m just curious about what’s going through her mind, that’s all._

“Okay, not _exactly_ , because you don’t have boobs.  So if I touched you here— “—she ran her fingers lightly over his shirt—“—it’s not the same.  If it was somewhere else…”  Her fingers started walking lower, over his stomach…

He grabbed her hand.  “Ellie!”

She laughed.  “I wasn’t gonna do it for real.  Anyway, I bet if I did, you wouldn’t really care.”

Usually the ‘Ellie’ signaled an end to that line of conversation, but if it didn’t, if she kept pushing it, Joel would just stop indulging her.  He never threatened to go sleep in the other room over it anymore, which had made her bolder.  She seemed to enjoy making him squirm.  He must have really been feeling masochistic tonight because he let it continue.  He relaxed his hand but left it on top of hers.  Just in case.  “I _would_ care.”

“Really?  Would you feel, like… violated?”

 _Like that’s even possible with you._ Joel chuckled.  “No, I mean I’d care for your sake.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?  ‘Cause I don’ want you to be… you know.  Messed up.”

“Okay.  And say I’m not.  Would you care for _your_ sake?”

She was utterly adorable.  “Uh, no.  It’s jus’… different, for guys.”

“Well, I must be a guy, then.”

“Ha!  You’re too—“  _Careful, Joel…_ “You’re not.  I woulda noticed.”  _Shit, that wasn’t much better than what I almost said._

She snickered.  “Maybe I have manboobs.  No wonder you freaked out this morning!”

Joel laughed.  “How do you even know that term?”

“I know lots of stuff, Joel.”

“Uh-huh.  Yep, you figured it out.  You fooled me, I thought you were a girl.”

“Okay, so I’ll grab your manboob and we’ll be even.”

“I don’ have any.  So we’re already even, then.”

“That doesn’t make sense!  But, Joel, seriously… you’re not really gonna go sleep on the couch, are you?”

Joel didn’t answer.  _I don’t want to, but I should.  I really should._

“Please don’t.  I don’t wanna wake up by myself.”

Joel sighed.  “It’s what’s best.”

“No, it’s not.  _Please._ Do you want me to beg?  I can beg.  Joel, pleeeeeease don’t leave.  Please please please!”  She wriggled up a little bit and nuzzled his neck.  “Please?”

 _I am a fucking weak, wimpy, spineless pussy._ “All right, fine.  On one condition.”

She squealed happily.  “Okay –- anything!”

“If anything like this mornin’ happens again, don’ jus’… you push me away, all right?  Or you roll away from me or somethin’.”

“Pfft.  Okay, if it _offends_ me, I will, but it won’t bother me, so I won’t.”

“No, you do it anyway, whether you’re offended or not.”

“But if I’m not upset—“

“ _You do it anyway_.  Got it?  If you can’t do that, I have to go.”

“Fine.  But if I’m asleep, and you wake up and your hand is like… in my crotch or something, you can’t punish me for that cuz I’m asleep and I can’t push you away if I’m asleep.”

“What?  Uh… if you’re sleepin’.  _Really_ sleepin’, not fakin’ it.  And it ain’t about punishin’ you.” 

Ellie snorted.  “Okay, no faking either.  Deal.”

How bizarre this was.  If Joel didn’t know better, he might think that Ellie _wanted_ him to touch her.  “So we’re good?”

“We’re good.  Thank you for staying.  It’ll be fine, you’ll see.”  She yawned and settled back into the crook of his arm.  “Good night, Joel.”

He kissed the top of her head, then resumed the hair-stroking.  “G’night, baby girl.”

He waited until she fell asleep, then gently rolled her away from him, settling the blanket around her.  True to his word, he didn’t leave the bed; he just turned his back to her and scooted as close to the edge of it as he could.  Eventually the naughty thoughts subsided enough for him to drift off to sleep.


	18. Leo

Ellie had finally come to a realization, and now that she knew, it seemed so fucking obvious that she wondered what the hell had taken her so long.  There was no denying it now:  she was in love with Joel.  Simple as that.  Simple, yet… complicated.  Because it was _Joel_.

She hadn’t had that many crushes when she was younger.  Boys were either playmates or tormentors, girls were… usually just tormentors.  Until Riley –- and even Riley had been mean to Ellie in the beginning.  That had been more than a crush, though; Ellie had loved her.  And when she’d felt like Riley might feel the same way… oh, how the visions of happily ever after had whirled through her head!  For the whole ten seconds before everything went to hell.

So, then she was a lesbian.  It didn’t matter, though, because she wasn’t ever going to love anyone besides Riley.  -Until she did.  Only… now she was straight, clearly.  She hadn’t realized it could bounce back and forth like that.  In movies and books, most people were straight, some people were gay.  Nobody was both.  Ellie was some kind of freak of nature.  She didn’t really care.  And somehow it felt like less of a betrayal, this way:  Riley could still be the _girl_ she loved.

The black cloud that had been following her around since she’d learned about the Fireflies had lifted.  The movie night had probably helped with that, too; she felt more content overall.  Things were worthwhile again.  Even mundane things.  Life was fucking _good_.  What had she been thinking when she’d considered leaving?  Now she was more receptive to the idea that living her life did not make her a bad person.  Maybe she was already exactly where she was supposed to be.

Ellie was having lunch with Annie, Esther, and Annie’s little brother, Will.  Eating the best fried tomato sandwich ever, and she said as much to Esther.

“Well, thanks, glad you like it so much,” said Esther, amused.  “Hmmm.  I guess it’s not a boy, then.”

“What?”  Ellie laughed.  “What’s not a boy?  The sandwich?  Hey, you’re right, it’s not!”  Will snickered, and Ellie grinned at him.  _I’m such a dork!_

Esther smiled.  “You just seem different today.  Happier.  A bit… dreamy.  But if it was a boy, you’d have no appetite.”

Annie rolled her eyes.  “I never lost _my_ appetite, Mom.  That’s so cliché.”

“It’s not a boy,” Ellie said, mentally smirking at the half-truth.  “I just… feel better.  I hung out with Joel and Tommy and Maria last night, we watched a movie and it was a lot of fun.”

“Oh good!  That’s wonderful.  I hope you keep feeling good, sweetie.”  Esther was so nice.  _Everyone_ was.  Life was good!

After lunch, Annie beckoned Ellie up to her room and closed the door.  “Okay, it’s just us now.  So spill.  _Is_ it a boy?”

“Haha!  Jeez, why does it have to be a fucking boy?”  Ellie felt giddy.  She _was_ bursting to tell someone... 

“It doesn’t _have_ to be… I just hoped it was.  If you liked someone, would you tell me?”

“Yes, I told you I would.”  They’d discussed this before.  All Annie knew about Ellie’s love life was that Ellie had loved someone back in Boston and it hadn’t worked out.  “So… um… I guess I better tell you…”

Annie squealed.  “Really??  What happened?  Who is it?”

Ellie laughed.  She could feel herself blushing.  No way could she tell Annie ‘what happened’ –- like Ellie even fucking knew –- and she definitely couldn’t tell her who it was.  Annie would freak.  Ellie sat down on Annie’s bed, cross-legged, and heaved a long sigh.  “You can’t tell anyone.  Okay?  Not a soul.”

“No one, I swear to God!”  Annie sat across from her and made the bed bounce a little in her excitement.

“Where do I begin...”

“Try the beginning!”

The beginning.  When was that -- last summer?  Last month?  Last night?  “Um…”

“Okay, the middle then?”

She laughed.  “The thing is… well…”  How much should she tell her?

“Would it be easier if I asked you stuff?” Annie offered eagerly.

“Maybe?  Yeah.  But I might not be able to answer everything.”

“Okay.  Who is it?”

“Yeah, I can’t answer that one.”

Annie laughed.  “Why not?  I won’t tease you… much…”

“Well… I don’t wanna jinx it.”  _Yes!  Totally believable._

“Ohhhhhh okay.  So you guys haven’t kissed yet?”

“No!” Her face and neck were on fire.  “We… almost did.  I think.”  _It could have been my imagination_.

“You think?  Okay, that’s good, so he probably likes you back.”  Annie giggled.  “You should see how red you are.  So… what’s he like?”

Ellie bit her lip.  What’s he like?  _He’s the most amazing guy ever._ “Um… he’s really sweet… and kind… thoughtful… fun… he makes me laugh…”  Annie would _so_ never suspect it was Joel by that description.  Not only did it not sound like Joel –- at least, not what Annie knew of him –- but it was generic enough that it could apply to loads of people.

“Good, good… and he’s cute?  Er, obviously, or you’d only like him as a friend.  Is he sexy?”  She waggled her eyebrows, giggling.

“Um, yeah,” Ellie said, grinning so wide she thought her cheeks might split.  Annie preferred the word ‘sexy’ to ‘hot’ because it sounded more grown-up or something.  How apt!  “He is.  I can’t tell you what he looks like though cuz you might guess!”

“Okay, I can respect that.  I’ll just imagine it’s Leo.”

Ellie laughed.  “Oh I’d never steal _your_ guy!  But okay, sure.  Pretend it’s him.”  Annie had a thing for Leonardo DiCaprio.  Joel didn’t look anything like him, making him the perfect person for Annie to mentally cast in the role.

“Yay!  Okay.  So… has he ever worked here?  At any of the farms?  That’s a fair question, isn’t it?”

There were quite a few guys who worked at least sporadically at one of the farms.  “I guess it’s fair.  Yep, he has.  No spying on me now, though!”  Not even a lie:  Joel did milk a cow once.  Actually, he might have done a few odd jobs here and there, too, on the nights they ate dinner here, but again, she didn’t think it would make Annie consider Joel a possibility.

“I won’t spy!  Much.  Okay, let’s see… you can’t tell me what he looks like… can you tell me how old he is?”

Ellie groaned.  “That’s the problem -- he’s older than me.”

Annie gasped theatrically.  “Oooo, an older man.  Why do you think it’s a problem?  Is he a _little_ older or a _lot_ older?”

“Um… define a little and a lot.”  _Oh, aren’t I so clever!  In what universe would Joel be only ‘a little’ older than me?_

“A little… like, if he’s seventeen, eighteen?  Sixteen is older, for you, but if it’s only a year I don’t think it should count as ‘older.’  A lot would be early twenties… or more?  He’s not older than that, is he?”

Ellie almost wanted to tell her the truth just for the shock value.  She ignored the last question.  “Okay, so I guess you’d say he falls into the ‘a lot’ category.  But you can’t make me tell you his age cuz you know everyone in town and that would really narrow it down!”

Annie chuckled.  “I don’t know everyone’s exact ages… wow, you _really_ don’t want me to know who it is.  What if I guessed, then would you tell me?”

“No!  If you even try, I’m not gonna answer you one way or the other.  No process of elimination.”  Ellie was sure her friend wouldn’t guess Joel, but she’d rather keep her guessing.  It might be fun, actually… she could flirt with random guys when Annie was within earshot just to make her wonder.  Ha!  Ellie would probably be too shy to actually do that.  But she _did_ need to practice flirting so she could do it competently with Joel…

“Eventually you’re gonna tell me, right?  Before you get married and have his babies?”  Annie grinned.

Ellie swatted at her playfully.  “Shut up!  Omigod.  _Yes_ , I will tell you, if there’s anything to tell.  Way too early.  I don’t even know if anything’s gonna happen.”

“Wait.  Is he… available?”  Annie suddenly looked worried.

“Yes!” Ellie assured her.  “No worries there.  Totally single.”

“Good.  It would be pretty hard to hide it around here if he was lying about that…”

“He’s not, trust me.  Really the only problem is he thinks of me as a kid.  If I could just be a _little_ bit older…”

“Awww.  Like that song, ‘Born Too Late.’  Have you heard it?”  Ellie shook her head.  Annie softly sang a couple lines of it.  “~Born too late for you to notice me, to you I’m just a kid that you won’t date…~”

“Oh I wanna hear it!  Do you have that one?”  Ellie hadn’t even listened to music for a while.  Now every song she heard was going to make her think of Joel.  She’d have to find some that could be ‘their’ songs.  A little wave of happiness fluttered through her.  It was _fun_ being in love!

Annie smiled at her enthusiasm.  “I do!  It’s by the Poni-Tails.  Let’s listen.”  Annie actually had a record player in her bedroom.  Those were apparently so old that they were even scarcer than walkmans.  The library didn’t even have any record albums available to check out; they’d all been divided between the few townsfolk who had working players.  Annie’s record collection spanned several decades, ages before the pandemic.

Ellie stretched out on Annie’s bed and listened to the sad song.  Twice.  She could have listened more but didn’t want to annoy Annie _too_ much.  “That poor girl.  Do you think she ever got the guy?  I hope she did.”

“Me too.  That girl she saw him walking with?  Maybe she ran off with another boy, and then he noticed the Poni-Tail girl.”

“Yeah.  Then he thought, hey, young girls aren’t so bad.  They’re more loyal and appreciative.”  Ellie snorted.  “Okay, so I don’t know if that’s true.  If only he would give her a chance!”

“This might not be a big deal, you know,” Annie said seriously.  “You’ll just have to make him realize age doesn’t matter.  Once he gets to know you, he’ll see you’re an old soul.”

 _Once he gets to know me?  Ha!  He knows me better than anyone else._   Ellie laughed.  “I don’t wanna be _old_ -old, just… old enough.”

“It doesn’t mean you’re old, it’s more like… you’re an older person in a young body.”

“Really?  That would be perfect.  Except I wouldn’t mind it if my body was a little older, too.”  Ellie sat up and looked pointedly down at the two little bumps on her chest that were supposed to be boobs.

“You’re adorable, Ellie.  You don’t need big…”  Annie made a comical ‘big boobs’ gesture.

“Do you consider ‘tits’ a bad word?  I mean, it’s not cussing,” Ellie teased.

Annie giggled.  “I’d rather say ‘bosom.’”

“Bosom?  Are you for real?”  Ellie shook her head.  “Man.  That’s bad.  ‘Boobs’ is my personal favorite.  And mine need to be bigger.  No wonder he thinks I’m a child.”

“If he likes you, it really doesn’t matter,” Annie assured her.  “So you _think_ you almost kissed?  What happened?”

Ellie blushed, remembering.  She couldn’t tell Annie about that! “I think he was going to but chickened out.  It might have just been my imagination,” she said dejectedly.

Annie sat quietly for a moment, frowning in thought.  “Maybe you’re not sending him the right signals?  If he thinks of you as a kid sister, maybe he doesn’t even know you have these feelings?  You haven’t told him, right?  Have you even hinted at all?”

Had she ever told Joel how she felt about him, in a platonic sense?  Ellie couldn’t remember doing so.  But she didn’t have to, because he knew.  Just like she knew he loved her.  He wouldn’t assume she loved him romantically, though… maybe she _did_ need to tell him that.  What a terrifying thought!  How do you tell someone who practically runs away screaming after touching you that you ~like~ him?  Too humiliating.  “No, I haven’t said anything.  I can’t.  I’d have to be sure he wouldn’t, like… laugh in my face or something.”

“He wouldn’t do that!  You said he’s kind.”

She could _totally_ imagine Joel doing that: _“Jesus, Ellie, what the fuck?!  You’re joking, right?”_ Ugh, no, she had to be subtle.  “I can’t.  I need to do stuff to make him figure it out himself, I think.  And to make him see me… _that_ way, instead of just as a dumb kid.  What did you do with Jacob?”

“Not much.  I didn’t have to.”  Annie smiled apologetically.  “He… made it pretty obvious he liked me.  You’re lucky, Ellie.  The beginning is so… it probably sounds cheesy, but it’s almost magical.”

Cheesy or not, Ellie couldn’t deny that.  All she had to do was _think_ about Joel and things inside her reacted.  The flutters in her chest and stomach, the giddiness –- sensations she had for no real reason, the man wasn’t even around -- were some kind of fucking magic.  Sometimes when he touched her, she felt a shiver travel through her whole body.  And they hadn’t even _kissed_ yet.  - _Yet.  Like it’s going to happen.  …yes, it IS going to happen, I will make it happen, somehow, someday._   She looked at her friend.  “And it just gets better and better, right?”

“Well…” Annie’s expression soured a little.  “For a while.”

“I thought you said things were better -- did something happen yesterday?”  Annie had mentioned that Jacob seemed distant lately, and that when she’d tried to talk to him about it, he’d denied that anything was different.  But the other day, they’d had a good time together, and Annie thought maybe she’d overreacted.

“He left early.  He didn’t even bring the milk in.  He said Alyssa was waiting for him and he’d see me tomorrow -- today.  It’s okay if he wants to spend time with his sister, I understand, it’s just… something about the way he was acting bothered me.”  Annie sat up straighter and smiled brightly.  “Enough about that!  We need to figure out _your_ situation.”

Now Ellie felt selfish.  “Hey, I don’t wanna go on and on about me if it’s gonna make you… feel bad, or whatever, cuz of Jacob…?” 

“Bah.  Not at all!  I might be worrying too much and this’ll keep my mind off it.  So!  How to make this guy notice that you’re interested, and that you’re old enough… do you know Amanda and Dexter?  He’s old enough to be her _father_ , and they seem pretty happy.  Age doesn’t matter!”

“I don’t think I know them!  How old are they?” Ellie asked hopefully, as if that would determine whether she and Joel were a viable couple or not.

“She’s nineteen, he’s forty-two.”

Even though she knew it was silly, Ellie was disappointed that the age gap between them was less than between her and Joel.

“She lives with her mom.  Doesn’t bother him, I guess.”  Then Annie gasped and clutched Ellie’s arm.  “Oh no, Ellie!  You have a bigger problem than age:  the guy that _you_ live with!”

“Joel?”  _Yeah, he’s actually the entire problem…_

“He’s so overprotective!  Jacob says if he even just _talks_ to you in the library, Joel gives him the evil eye.  Is he gonna let you hang out with this guy unchaperoned?”

Ellie laughed.  This was too funny!  She wished she could confide in Annie.  Someday she would.  Maybe after she and Joel had been together a little while… _together._   Just the thought of that made Ellie feel fluttery again.  “I don’t have to get his permission, I can hang out with whoever I want.”

“Okay, you _say_ that, but, come on.  You don’t want to get the poor boy killed!”  Annie giggled.  “Or maybe not killed… scared off?”

“Pfft.  He’s more harmless than you’d think.”  Another half-truth.  “I can handle Joel, I’m not worried about that.”

Except she didn’t know how to handle him in the way she wanted.  The whole groping thing had been a disaster.  If she’d known Joel was going to freak out like that, she wouldn’t have… well… _helped_ his hand make its way under her shirt.  She felt a little guilty about it now.  His hand _had_ accidentally landed there, on the outside, so it wasn’t like she’d manipulated the whole situation.  For a few minutes after she’d woken up, she had lain there, watching it, willing it to move inside.  Out of curiosity, yes, but more than that… she _wanted_ to feel his hand somewhere that no one had ever touched.  When she’d realized that of course sheer will alone wasn’t going to do the trick, she figured it wouldn’t hurt if she took matters into her own hands, literally.  She’d done it painfully slowly, afraid that he’d wake up mid-move, but he hadn’t even stirred –- except when she’d carefully reached over to un-set the alarm, and the little bit of shifting he’d done then was to her benefit:  his hand had settled around her breast, making itself comfortable.

She’d felt such a delicious little tingle.  Not continuously, although she did feel warm and just… happy that it was there.  She’d scooted back a little, her hips aligned with Joel’s, and pressed her ass against him, shifting until she had it lined up cozily with his… male region.  Sometimes she could feel it more easily than others, she wasn’t sure why.  She also wasn’t sure how she could think of such positioning as ‘cozy’ when it didn’t feel like snuggling up to a pillow… but that was Joel -- comfortable, just not in a soft’n’fuzzy way.

Ellie had this great fantasy about Joel waking up.  He’d be a little surprised, sure, but she would purr at him all sexy-like (saying what? She’d skipped over that part to get to the good stuff), and he’d realize that Ellie liked having his hands on her, and she’d twist around, turning her face towards his, and then he’d kiss her…

Yeah, not likely to happen.  But fun to think about (and of course, in her fantasy she didn’t have morning breath, either).  She couldn’t bring herself to pull his hand out of her shirt.  Then she’d thought that maybe she _could_ at least do something to let him know he was welcome to touch her boobs whenever he wanted.  More than welcome.  Instead, he’d made it clear he hadn’t enjoyed it at _all_.  First by freaking out, then by spelling it out.  How many times did he have to tell her he would never ever touch her like that?  Shit.

Based on that disastrous morning alone, Ellie would have thought things were pretty hopeless, that Joel would never see her as anything but a daughter.  Then last night… she wasn’t sure how to describe what happened, but it restored her hope.  She had been  _so sure_  that Joel wanted to kiss her, that he almost  _did_ kiss her… she could feelit.  And she wanted him to -- sooooo badly! -- that there could be no doubt her feelings for him were more than daughterly.  She certainly didn’t dislike being his pseudo-daughter; she just wanted more.

Should she have made the first move and kissed him?  Maybe Annie was right -- she wasn’t doing enough to let him know she was attracted to him.  Other than telling him he could ‘do whatever’ to her and she wouldn’t care… that probably just creeped him out.  And not caring, not minding… that was different from liking, and wanting.  She had to find a way to be bolder without passing some point of no return where he’d be too weirded out by her if she was reading him all wrong.

It was too bad she couldn’t talk to someone anonymously and get some good, practical advice.  But… maybe there _was_ something she could do.  She’d come across books about relationships in the library, and there was a whole room full of magazines… yes!  That was it!  She could rummage through those for articles that applied to her situation, if there were any.   _How to Seduce the Man Who Thinks He’s Your Father_ :  okay, maybe not… but  _How to Make Him Yours_  and the like?  Fuck yes!

“Annie!  I know what to do!  There’s a ton of magazines at the library.  Lots of teen magazines.   And the people who wrote in magazines were experts.  There  _has_ to be something useful in there.  Will you come help me look?  Maybe we could find stuff that would help you out, too!”

Annie nodded eagerly.  “Okay!  Do you still wanna go riding?”

“Yeah and then I wanna go home and clean up before going to the library, I have story hour today.  Meet me over there in like an hour?”

“Sounds good.  And… it’s good to see you happy again, Ellie.  Whatever happens with this guy?  I hope you stay that way.  If you ever want to talk about that stuff that’s been bothering you, I’m always here.”  She was sincere about it, too, Ellie knew.  Ellie still felt like there were things Annie would never understand about her, but she was a good listener, and she cared.

“Thanks, Annie, I know you are,” Ellie said warmly.  She leaned over and gave her friend a quick hug before sliding off the bed.   She felt pretty optimistic.  Joel already loved her, and she was pretty certain he felt  _some_ degree of attraction towards her… how fucking hard could it be to get him to fall madly in love with her?


	19. Dear Abby

With a gleam in her eye and a spring in her step, Ellie headed for the library.  The sun was shining, the birds were singing, all was well with the world.  She greeted everyone she passed with a smile and a ‘how are you?’ -- and actually paused to hear their replies.  Even people to whom she never had anything to say… like Max, a scavenger she’d met at the warehouse.  He answered her friendly ‘hey how’s it going’ with something resembling a glare.

It didn’t perturb her.  She stopped in her tracks.  “That good, huh?”

He seemed surprised at the follow-up question.  Maybe even suspicious.  Max reminded her of Joel in some ways.  “Oh, I’m just wonderful,” he drawled.  “Who blew sunshine up your ass today?”

“I don’t know,” she answered, tilting her head pensively, as if trying to figure out who had done such a thing.  “But if I find out, I’ll send ‘em your way.  Have a great day!” she added before bouncing away.

She also saw A.J. the Asswipe, hanging around outside the library, probably waiting for his posse.  He scowled at Ellie as she approached the doors.  “Lesbo,” he muttered, sneering.

 _Not anymore!_ “Hi, butthead!” she replied cheerfully, smiling at him like they were friends.  “Have an awesome day!” _Just let him wonder about that for a while!_ Ellie thought with satisfaction.  She entered the library before he could reply.

She asked Paige to come fetch her later on for story time, then she hit the magazine room.  The magazines didn’t see much action, and thus, were relatively well-organized.  By title, at least, if not by date.  Most of them were stored on shelving units in magazine binders, some were more haphazardly stored in boxes or crates on the floor.  There was a table in the middle of the room where she and Annie could sift through them.  Ellie wasn’t sure whether to look for women’s magazines or teens’.  She tried women’s first; the whole point was that she needed to act more womanly, right?  Joel was no teenage boy.  But the first few volumes she checked didn’t yield anything.  She couldn’t make use of tips on home décor, recipes, child-rearing, fashion… the sex tips, _possibly later_ , she snickered to herself happily (although she hoped she could find some with more detailed instructions than the ones she’d skimmed).  Apparently, women in the old world were all married and didn’t need the kind of help that Ellie did.  Maybe because they’d learned everything from teen magazines!

She flipped through the fashion, make-up, and celebrity articles… articles about ‘sexting & texting,’ and other bizarre things that she knew had to do with the way people used to communicate, via computers and phones.  Maybe she’d need to find older editions.

Annie showed up as Ellie finished reading about a twelve-year-old cyberstalker (yeah, not helpful, but she was curious).  “Hi!” Ellie greeted her friend with a hug even though she’d just seen her a short while ago.  She closed the door behind Annie. “Did you know that people used to get bullied through the computer?  I don’t really get it.  I mean, you could just turn off the computer and not talk to them, couldn’t you?  They’re not in your face.  Except somehow they also, like… write shit on your walls?  Why would you even let them in your house?”

Annie shrugged.  “No idea, but what does that have to do with you getting your guy to fall in loooooove with you?”  She made a swooning gesture for the ‘loooove.’

“Not a fucking thing.  Now that you’re here we can get down to business!”  Ellie grabbed a couple volumes from a different shelf, plunked them down on the table, and shoved one towards Annie.

Almost immediately, Annie found something promising in a magazine from 1993.  “Ellie, here’s one – ‘How to Get Him to Make the Next Move.’  Wanna hear?” Annie started naming the five possible reasons Joel hadn’t ‘given in to his true feelings’ yet.  -He’s insecure or inexperienced?  No.  Ellie assured Annie that he had definitely had a girlfriend before (she didn’t mention the wife and daughter).  -He’s afraid of commitment?  That didn’t seem too likely.  He _was_ committed to her.  He wanted to adopt her, for fuck’s sake, and that’s a lifelong commitment.  Ellie still had to pretend to mull it over, though, for appearances’ sake.  -He’s busy with other stuff?  No, she saw him plenty –- he always wanted to be with her.  She told Annie she saw him fairly often in the library; that wasn’t even a lie.  –He’s feeling peer pressure?  _Hmmm…_

“I thought peer pressure was more like, ‘come on, have a beer, all the cool kids do it,’” Ellie mused.  “What do you think it means here?  That his friends are telling him I’m just a little kid?”

“I guess,” said Annie.  “Since you’re younger than him, maybe he’s afraid of what people will think if you guys get together?  That maybe people will think he’s a deviant... like there’s something wrong with him, not going for someone his own age?”

Ellie considered this.  She doubted Joel had told anyone anything about her that was at all romantic.  Why would he?  It’s not like he went around gushing about his feelings all the time.  _Maybe_ Tommy or Maria… but that didn’t seem too likely.  She was dying to know what he and Tommy had said to each other when Tommy had asked Joel about the bed thing, and Joel wouldn’t tell her.  Had he admitted his feelings to Tommy?  That just seemed so… un-Joel-like.  Tommy had seemed really disturbed by the thought of Ellie and Joel together like that.  Would knowing that Tommy disapproved prevent Joel from making a move?  Since when did Joel care what his brother thought of him?  “I dunno.  Maybe.  But we could always keep it a secret if it bothered him so much.”

Annie laughed.  “ _Nothing_ stays secret in this town, my friend.”

 _Shows what YOU know!_ Ellie smirked inwardly.  Annie would flip her shit if she saw how Joel and Ellie acted in bed.  “I could _so_ do it.  It would be romantic.  Forbidden love… like Romeo and Juliet!”

“Is your guy romantic, do you think?”

“Um…” Was he?  No, not really.  She couldn’t imagine Joel bringing her flowers and writing her love poems.  “I don’t think so.  I guess I’m not, either.  But we could still be Romeo and Juliet without the mushy shit!”

Annie snorted.  “I’d like to see you keep it a secret from Joel.  He can read you like a book.  Remember when you tried to lie about how you got mud all over you?  You said you’d fallen… it seemed really believable to me, and he knew right away that you were lying.”

Joel _could_ see through her sometimes... so why the fuck didn’t he _get_ that she was in love with him?  Ellie rolled her eyes.  “Whatever, that was ages ago.  I’m better at it now.  So what’s the fifth one?”

“He’s seeing someone else,” Annie read.

“Pffft.  No.”

“How can you be so sure?  Maybe he just hasn’t mentioned her.”

“I just am.”  Ellie realized it sounded lame.  “I asked him.  And like you said, nothing stays secret here, so I would know if he was lying.”

“Wellllllllllll yeah but you don’t know everyone yet, if you would just tell me who he is I could tell you for sure…” Annie looked disarmingly sweet and helpful.

“Nice try,” Ellie snickered.  “So what else does that thing say?”

“Um… that if you do the stuff it says and he still doesn’t do anything then you should give up and find someone else.”

“Ha!  Fuck that.  There _is_ no one else.”

“Wow, you’ve got it bad,” Annie marveled.  “But you might be right.  It’s not like there’s a lot of options here.”

Ellie nodded.  “Right.  So, that article sucked.  Let’s keep looking.”

The next article of interest was in Ellie’s binder: ‘Do You Have Starry Eyes for Older Guys?’ from 1986.  She started reading it, and decided not to announce its relevance to Annie.  _“If a guy is going out with a girl who’s **significantly** younger, the odds are he’s fearful of adult relationships and likes to go out with younger girls because they let him take charge.”  _ Well, Joel _did_ like to tell her what to do… but it’s not like she automatically just did it, all the time.  She could be more ‘in charge’ if it was problematic.  _“Some young women are looking for a substitute father.  It’s easier for them to go out with a man who is like a ‘daddy,’ who is protective, than someone their own age.  The guy makes the decisions while the girl remains in a childlike position without responsibilities.”_ Ellie re-read it.  The first part kind of seemed to fit.  She didn’t think of Joel as ‘easier,’ particularly, except… she did already know that he loved her.  In that way, it was safer than going for some stranger.  But so what?  And she had just as many responsibilities as Joel so she felt they were equals in that regard.  Again, she didn’t even see what that had to do with anything.

Trying to see what the issue was here, Ellie kept reading… she was supposed to ask herself if she was going for this older guy to either rebel against her parents or to use him as some kind of social trophy… and was she prepared to be in uncomfortable situations like rowdy bars and after-hours clubs (…what?).  She was in the clear on all that.  No advice on how to actually _get_ this older guy.  Ellie slammed the magazine shut in disgust.  Whatever Annie was looking at seemed much more interesting, as it was making her stifle some giggles.  Ellie craned her neck, trying to see what it was.  “Care to share?  Whatcha got?”

“Well, what you said before, about wishing you had a bigger… front” –- at least she didn’t say ‘bosom’! –- “I really don’t think you need to do anything, but you _could_ pad your bra a little?  If it would give you more confidence… make you feel more attractive?”

Ellie burst out laughing.  Joel saw her in her nightclothes every day, no bra.  He’d had his hand down her shirt, even.  What would he think if all of a sudden when she got dressed she had melons instead of apples in there?  “No way in hell.  He’s already seen me a bunch of times, I think he knows how big they are.”

“Maybe he hasn’t really noticed?”

“Oh, thanks a lot!” Ellie pretended to be insulted.

“Noooooo I didn’t mean it like that,” Annie said quickly (still laughing, though!).  “If you just do it a _tiny_ bit, maybe you’d get his attention.  Maybe he’d think, ‘Gee, I never noticed how lovely Ellie’s bosom is before’ or something.”

Imagining Joel having that thought was funny enough… the ‘bosom’ just cracked Ellie the fuck up.  She laughed so hard she thought she might pee her pants.  Finally she gasped out, “No!  Omigod!  I’m not doing it and that’s final!”

Her laughter fueled Annie’s, which re-fueled Ellie’s, and it was just absurd to be cracking up over something that wasn’t all that funny, really.  Then the door opened:  it was Joel!

“Ladies.”  He watched the girls swallow their laughter.  Annie pulled her magazine into her lap before Joel could possibly get a glimpse of the article she’d been reading.  Ellie could feel the heat rushing to her face.  Joel seemed amused.  “Don’ stop laughin’ on my account.  What is that you’re ‘not doing,’ Ellie?”

“Nothing!  Don’t you fucking knock?” She said it teasingly, though.  Hopefully that last bit was all he’d heard; he must have been standing outside the door for more than a few seconds to have heard even that much.  Ellie was afraid to look at him, in case doing so somehow planted a blaring ‘HE’S THE ONE!’ neon sign somewhere on her face in a language that Annie could comprehend, even if Joel couldn’t.  The subject of their laughter was certainly one to produce a legitimate blush, though, and Ellie wasn’t even sure if she was blushing because _omigod Joel’s here_ or from embarrassment.  Annie’s face was red, too, and she was looking at Ellie wide-eyed, biting her lip like she was confining more giggles in her mouth.

“I _did_ knock.  I s’pose you were laughin’ too loud to notice.  That lady up front told me you were in here.  What’re you doin’?  Need any help?”

The look of horror on Annie’s face almost made Ellie lose her composure again.  “Nope, we’re good, just looking up some stuff.  Girl stuff.”  She knew that explanation, vague though it was, would be enough to dissuade Joel from trying to ‘help’ them. 

Sure enough, he said, “All right, carry on, then.  I’ll be out there.”

“’kay.  Bye!” Ellie chirped.  “And close the door!”

When the door was safely closed, Annie laughed shakily and let out a long breath.  “Whew!  That was a close one.  We should be quieter.  You were kinda rude to him, you know.”

Ellie snickered.  “That’s what he gets for butting in.”  And surely Annie wouldn’t have suspected Joel was her guy, based on that interaction.  “Okay, back to work!”

They found plenty of interesting things to read, but nothing really useful.  Ellie tried not to get side-tracked by titles like ‘My Ex Tried to Kill Me’ and ‘I Was a Teenage Prostitute.’  Some of the quizzes were amusing:  ‘Are You a Good Kisser?’ ‘Are You a Big Fat Bore?’  Some were just plain stupid:  ‘Should You Dump Him If He Cheats?’  Um, _yeah._   No brainer.  She was so lucky –- Joel would never cheat on her!  She’d never give him any reason to.   _Focus, Ellie.  You don’t have him yet…_

While Annie took the ‘Is Your Relationship Healthy -- or Hurting?’ quiz, Ellie did ‘Does He Really Like You?’…and noted that it was rather difficult to answer some of the questions as they were set in places that didn’t exist in the new world:  school, cafeteria, basketball game, dance, party, beach… oh, there was one –- the library!  Ellie did the best she could, given the alien scenarios, and the score indicated that Joel was on the border of ‘too hot to handle’ (meaning he only wanted her for her body… HA!) and ‘warm and fuzzy.’  The latter category advised her to smile at him a lot and touch his arm.  She’d never thought of the arm as being a particularly exciting place to be touched.  She’d give it a shot, though, what the hell.

She did find another article that might be helpful:  ‘How to Turn a Friend Into a Boyfriend,’ from 1989.  If _that_ couldn’t help her, what could?!  Ellie skimmed the first few paragraphs.  “Weird, this one says guys like to be hunters.  They must mean something different from the hunters _we_ know… unless guys were all assholes back then.  Oh, and it says they don’t like to be hunted.  Well, duh?  Who does?!  So stupid.”

Annie chuckled.  “I think you’re taking it too literally.  They probably mean don’t be too pushy.  Let him make the first move.”

“Oh.  Okay.  So don’t kiss him, wait for him to kiss me.  I figured that’d be better anyways.”  She would _die_ if she tried to kiss him and he was utterly repulsed!  Ellie read through the tips, dismissing each one:  strategic socializing and making sure you run into each other often, focusing on the stuff you have in common, complimenting his new sweater (‘new’?  Ha!) or haircut –- okay, she _could_ try that one.  She didn’t dish out compliments very often.  It would probably feel awkward, but if it worked… “So, what does ‘give him the green light’ mean?  Some kind of code we don’t know about?”

“Hmm.  I guess so.  What kind of light?”

“That’s all it says about that… and there’s the arm thing again!  Jeez.  What’s so great about arms?”

Annie chuckled.  “I guess it’s like… sort of intimate, like, not something you do with strangers, but not overboard where he might think you’re a pervert?”

“Like if I grabbed his ass?”  Ellie giggled.  How much would Joel flip out if she just randomly did that?

“Exactly!”

It also advised her to try casually sitting a little closer than usual.  That wouldn’t tell Joel anything -- she couldn’t get any closer to him, really… not without fucking.  _And if that option were on the table, I wouldn’t need any of this!_   “’Find out what turns him on and go for it’?  Yeah, okay.  I’ll just ask him.”  Ellie sighed.  “Well, if he likes girls who wear red lipstick and fancy clothes, there’s nothing I can do about it.  I can’t dye my hair blonde or paint my nails.  What you see is what you get.”

Annie propped her elbow on the table and rested her chin on her hand.  “Not necessarily…”  Her eyes glazed over as if she were watching some movie in her mind.

Ellie quirked an eyebrow.  “Uh-oh.  Do I even wanna know what you’re thinking?”

Annie looked appraisingly at Ellie, back in the present moment.  “You  _could_ wear different clothes.  More feminine ones.  There’s nothing wrong with jeans and T-shirts, but… a boy could easily wear those clothes, too.  If you want to get his attention… let him know you’re not a kid sister or ‘one of the guys’ but a pretty girl he can fall in love with, you could mix it up a little?  And there might not be a ton you can do with your hair, but you couldwear it down and curl it or something?”

“No way.”  Ellie crossed her arms in front of her chest and frowned.  “That’s not  _me_.  I’m still supposed to be me, aren’t I?”

“Of course!”  Annie leaned back in her chair.  “You’d still be you.  Just a little bit girlier.  You wouldn’t have to change your personality.  Think about it.  You want him to notice you’re a girl, don’t you?”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “He knows I’m a girl.  Believe me.  But… I guess I know what you mean.  Hmm.”  She knew nothing about Joel’s ex-wife or any of his girlfriends, unless she counted Tess, and she didn’t even know what their relationship had been.  He’d made it clear he didn’t want to talk about Tess, and that they shouldn’t trade stories about their past.  That was a long time ago, though.  They  _did_ talk about their past lives now, so maybe it would be okay to ask him about Tess?  She already had a sense of who Tess was as a person --  and she was no princess.  She was tough… not girly at all from what Ellie could see.  If she and Joel had only been friends, was that possibly the reason why?  Joel appreciated her skills and all but didn’t feel happy in the pants for her because she wasn’t feminine?

Ellie could think of plenty of times Joel had teased her for ‘acting like a girl.’  He seemed to like that she wasn’t wussy like a lot of girls.  Would he think of her in a romantic way if she acted more girly?  That would be changing her personality, though… maybe she just needed to  _look_ that way for it to click in his head that she was someone he wouldn’t mind kissing.  It made sense that physical attraction was based on physical appearance -- and Joel wasn’t into boys.

Still… curling her hair?  Wearing ruffles and lace?  Eww.  Ellie wrinkled her nose.  “I don’t know if I can do it.  I’d feel weird and he’d probably just laugh.”

Annie wasn’t giving up, however.  “Well, you wouldn’t have to do it all the time… unless he likes it so much he’s all over you, anyway.”  She giggled.  “Yeahhhhh you like the thought of that, you’re turning red again!  You’d have to do it on a day that you’re guaranteed to see him.  Preferably alone.  Maybe… you could invite him over for a friendly dinner or something?  People do that all the time around here, it’s like a neighborly thing.  I could even be your alibi for Joel, if you want.  You’d just have to time it so you’re gone before Joel comes home.  Go for a walk with him maybe?”

Ellie had to laugh at her friend’s zeal for plotting her love life.  “You are really sneaky, you know that?  Wouldn’t he find it pretty strange that he’s never seen me dress girly before and then the one day I cook him dinner…?”

“Maybe.  But that’s partly the point, right?  You have to let him know you like him as more than friends.  You could be casual about it, like… say you wear jeans for work or for playing with the little kids and stuff but sometimes you like to wear dresses?”

Ellie snickered.  “Yeah.   _That_ would sound real natural.  One more problem:  I don’t  _have_ any dresses.”

Annie was undeterred.  “Don’t worry about that.  Maybe you could be sort of honest and say you’re experimenting with different styles?  That should at least prompt him to tell you how pretty you look, I would think.  Oh you know what?  I know the  _perfect_ dress for you.  Do you remember the dress I wore that last time we came up for dinner with you and Tommy and everyone?  The white one with the little yellow flowers?  That would look  _so_ cute on you, Ellie.”

“The one with the tiny little straps?”  God, she would feel _naked_ wearing that.

“Spaghetti straps, yes!  I’m taller than you so the skirt might be a little long, but we could take up the hem, show off your legs…”

“Wait, now you’re talking about mutilating your own clothes for this?  No!” Ellie exclaimed in disbelief.  It was sweet of Annie to want to help, but she didn’t think they needed to go thatfar.

Annie shrugged.  “I have others, and it’d be for a good cause.  I bet Millie would make you one if we ask her—“

“No!  No one else can know about this.  Millie would prob’ly tell someone who would end up telling Joel and he’d grill me about what I’m up to.”   _Best to spring it on him when it’s too late!_

“You might be right.  She  _does_ like to talk,” Annie admitted.  She shot a sly look at Ellie.  “Soooo… you  _do_ want to give it a try, then?”

Ellie sighed.  “Maybe.  I dunno.  I don’t wanna mess up your dress, though.  Maybe I won’t even have to do anything.  Y’know?  I can try the little stuff like complimenting him and touching his arm and all that but nothing big yet.  Anyways, what would I cook?  I’ve never made anything on my own.  Not like a real meal.  I guess I’ve helped Maria and Tommy enough…”

“I would help you.  We could probably make something ahead of time at my house and then all you’d have to do is stick it in the oven?  And you know, even just doing that, cooking for him… that emphasizes you’re a girl, too.  Boys don’t like cooking so much.  Unless they’re barbecuing.  They’ll all be tripping over themselves to man the grills on 4th of July.  Wow, Ellie, this guy might be your boyfriend by then!”

The whole town was gearing up for that party.  A slow smile spread across Ellie’s face.  She wasn’t sure about the boyfriend thing; she couldn’t imagine Joel being okay with going public so soon.  Maybe Joel would be so in love with her by then he’d be pulling her away from the party to secretly make out behind a tree because he couldn’t wait until they got home.  Ellie sighed happily at the thought.  It was more likely that he’d be too paranoid to do anything like that.  Just knowing that he was hers would be enough for her, though, truly.  “I don’t know about that, but I’ll know where we stand by then.  That will be my deadline.  If he doesn’t kiss me in the next, like, two weeks?  I’ll turn myself over to you.”

Annie squealed a little and clapped her hands.  “Okay!  Or even if he has, we could still do it.  It could be a nice romantic evening for you two.”

“Ha!  If I can get him to kiss me without having to wear a fucking dress, you better believe I’m not wearing one.”

Annie laughed.  “Oh, Ellie, don’t be a spoilsport, maybe you’ll like it!”

Ellie grinned.  “If it makes him wanna rip it off me?  Hell yeah I’ll like it.  But then you can have it back!”

There was another knock on the door, and before Ellie could worry about how much Joel had overheard this time, a cheerful blonde seven-year-old stuck her head in the room.  “Hi Ellie!  Hi Annie!  Ellie, Paige sent me to give you a five minute warning!  What are you gonna read today?”

Ellie gave the girl a big smile.  “Hey Kirsten!  I dunno, do you wanna pick out something?  I’ll be right there.”

The girl happily bounded away, and Ellie started gathering the magazines strewn around the table.  It hadn’t been a complete waste of time, but she hadn’t learned the sorts of things she’d hoped to.  Instead, she’d learned more about what teenagers’ lives were like back in the olden days.  She still thought it was lame to obsess about clothes and boys and other stupid shit, but she could kind of see where they were coming from now.  Maybe she shouldn’t judge them so harshly.  She hadn’t even been in Jackson two months and already she was taking survival and safety for granted, which freed her mind up to think about other things... if they had a prom in Jackson, wouldn’t she obsess over it like the girls in these magazines did?  And they didn’t all enjoy the easy life.  Like the teenage prostitute girl -- it wasn’t like she’d embarked upon that career for the sheer enjoyment of having sex with lots of disgusting men.  Ellie couldn’t imagine having to do anything like that to survive.  They didn’t live in a world where she’d ever _have_ to.

Ellie usually thought the people who lived before 2013 were lucky, but really, _she_ was the lucky one.  Life was better now without all that weird shit they had in the past.  If she had access to that DeLorean time machine, she’d definitely like to visit -- especially to drop in on younger Joel, maybe even catch him _singing_ \-- but she wouldn’t want to stay there.  The best thing she’d gleaned from those old articles was that the world _was_ totally different now.  The only reason the age difference could be considered an obstacle was its leftover stigma from Joel’s generation; there was nothing real, nothing that made any practical sense.  They had as much right to be together as anyone else did, and if Joel even tried to argue the point, she was willing to bet he couldn’t come up with anything more solid than ‘because it’s just wrong.’

As Ellie headed for the children’s section, she glanced around to see where Joel had parked himself… and didn’t see him.  _He said he’d be out here, where the fuck did he go?_ She told herself not to worry, but the worry niggled at her anyway.  Where was he/what was he doing/was he okay?

Sometimes she felt so confident that Joel would never leave her that she forgot it was still a very real possibility, one which warranted a healthy dose of fear.  Not that she thought Joel had chosen to abandon her so abruptly here -- that was ridiculous.  But she couldn’t let herself be lulled into a false sense of security, either.  Even if Joel didn’t actually leave her, he could distance himself from her, and that would be almost as bad.  That was another reason she had to succeed at advancing their relationship:  if he was  _in_ love with her, she would have more control over the situation.  He would never need to find a girlfriend… a potentially jealous girlfriend who might try to steal him away from her (and how could daughter-Ellie compete with Joel’s  _lover?_ She wasn’t  _that_ special).  It would be even better than being his daughter -- Joel wouldn’t have to figure out how to divide up his time if it was just him and Ellie.  She would need to be careful not to do anything to sour his feelings towards her, though.  For a strong guy, Joel sure seemed afraid of her sometimes; she couldn’t risk scaring him away.

Ellie took her seat and greeted every child in attendance by name.  Kirsten came forward with the chosen book: _Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs_ , a very silly book she’d read to the kids before which they all seemed to love.  She would have to put Joel out of her mind for the time bei-- _oh, there he is!_ He was in the music area… without her?!  How odd.

And just like that, she was happy again.It was so easy to smile now, and to animate the story for the kids.  Knowing she’d be with Joel in just a short while filled her with exuberance, like she had a light shining inside her that she couldn’t contain.  If she felt this way _now_ , she wondered how she could possibly cope with feeling even happier, after she made Joel love her the way she wanted–- no, _needed_ him to.  She couldn’t wait to find out!


	20. Let the Games Begin

Being in love with Joel wasn’t all sunshine and daisies, that was for sure.  Ellie’s brain was a battlefield for two schools of thought:  _He’s mine/I’m so lucky/We have so much to look forward to_ versus _I can’t fuck this up/I need him to love me/I can’t live without him._   She tried to focus on the former… tried to remind herself that the latter was ridiculous –- that she did not, in fact, _need_ Joel in order to draw breath.  And even if Joel didn’t love her ~that~ way, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.   _Yes, it would,_ the irrational voice in her head insisted.  It felt very all-or-nothing to Ellie; either Joel loved her and they’d live happily ever after, or he would reject her, and the shame and humiliation of that would force her to... to do what?  Leave?  She could go live with Tommy and Maria if she had to.  And Esther liked her.  Maybe she could stay at the farm, and she and Annie could be like sisters.  It was such a small town, though:  would she need to leave Jackson altogether to escape Joel?  Yet she couldn’t imagine leaving him, even if he broke her heart.  She couldn’t give this any serious thought, because prevention was simple:  don’t fuck up.

Over the next two weeks, Ellie attempted to let Joel know, subtly, that her feelings for him went beyond daughterly.  She tried smiling more; that one was easy, because she was happier.  Joel definitely noticed, and it seemed to make him happier, too, just seeing her happy.  Alas, it did not somehow magically invite Joel to kiss her. 

She tried the arm thing, wondering if it was some long lost secret code from the old world… to no avail.  Joel didn’t act any differently towards her when she touched his arm, although he did thank her when she traced circles on it once with her fingertips.  Joel had done that to hers before, and it felt nice, so she figured she’d give it a go.  Joel thought she was merely reciprocating a nice gesture, not trying to declare everlasting love for him.  

She tried touching him more in general, and he just seemed to take it in stride like he always did, as long as they weren’t in public.  They’d never talked about it, but he’d given Ellie enough nonverbal cues in the past that she knew there was an unwritten rule in place, and she didn’t push it.  She figured it had something to do with Joel maintaining his ‘tough guy’ appearance.  Or maybe it was because he was a private person and didn’t feel comfortable showing affection around others.  The rule was slightly more relaxed at Tommy and Maria’s, even at Annie’s… around familiar faces.  At the library, affection was pretty much non-existent, and that was fine with Ellie.  It made their time at home feel more special.

As for complimenting him… that one was hard.  He wore the same old clothes over and over, his hair looked the same every day (except for when it was cut, but that wouldn’t happen before July 4th)… she thought maybe he was wearing different socks one day, but she couldn’t tell Joel he looked good in his new _socks_ , for fuck’s sake.  The best she could do was exclaim over the little giraffe he whittled for her out of some scrap wood.  She _was_ touched that he’d made it for her.  It just wasn’t very flirtatious telling him he was good at carving stuff.  Later on, it occurred to her that she could have tried to compliment his hands.  At least that would have been praise for a body part… but she still didn’t know what she could have said that would sound natural.  _‘Your hands are so good on that wood, why don’t you put them on ME now?’_  That made her giggle to herself… and imagining Joel’s reaction to such a statement was both amusing and horrifying.

Ellie also did a little ‘research’ –- in the form of movie-watching.  A lot of romantic comedies featured flirting, and people trying to make others fall for them… but Ellie got mixed messages from that, because it often seemed it was the two who hated each other in the beginning that got together at the end, and the ‘flirty’ people in between got discarded.  Annie would scoff at this and say they’re just silly movies. 

Annie’s favorite movie of all time was _Gone With the Wind_ , and she said Ellie needed to watch it because Scarlett O’Hara was the queen of making guys fall in love with her.  Of course, the setting was around two hundred years ago, so it was a little outdated.  Annie said it would still be worthwhile and besides, she wanted to share it with Ellie anyway.  Ellie perfunctorily invited Joel to watch it with them, counting on him to turn her down due to the phrasing, if not the content: _‘You didn’t wanna watch this girly movie with us, did you?’_ It worked.  Of course it did:  Ellie knew what to say to Joel in pretty much every _other_ situation.  She could see right away why Annie loved the movie –- all the costumes! –- and it wasn’t bad (except for the sucky ending…shouldn’t they be watching love stories with _happy_ endings now?!).  Ellie did have to admire Scarlett’s abilities, both with seducing men and with survival.

One thing Ellie thought would be fun, regardless of whether or not it helped enlighten Joel, was the dance lessons being offered to get everyone ready for the big 4th of July party.  Joel hadn’t exactly been keen on that idea…

_“Come on, Joel, it’ll be fun!”_

_“No.  I don’t dance.”_

_"Not even square dancing?  That’s supposed to be an easy one.”_

_"No."_

_"Look, I can’t dance either -- that’s the whole point of having lessons, so we can learn.  We can do it together!”_

_“Ellie, I said no.”_

_“But… okay, fine.  I’ll sign up by myself.  You’ll just miss out on all the fun.”_

_"I’m sure I’ll survive.”_

_“I guess when I need a partner there’ll be at least one guy there who won’t mind helping me out…”_

Ellie had paused a moment for that thought to sink in, hoping it would conjure images of boys, or even men, touching her.  She didn’t have to wait long -- almost immediately he grudgingly agreed to go to the classes with her.

She signed them up for all three classes, and she learned about so many dances she wasn’t sure how she’d keep them all straight: square dancing, two-step, mambo, salsa, waltz, foxtrot, macarena, electric slide, wobble, and a completely silly one called the chicken dance (Joel would _not_ do that one no matter how much Ellie pleaded).  Ellie couldn’t help reminiscing a little about Riley, and how they’d danced together on the last day of her life.  It still felt like this business with Joel made her disloyal to Riley’s memory… but at the same time, she could imagine Riley giving her a thumbs up and a _‘You go, girl!’_.

The classes were indeed as fun as Ellie had hoped.  Joel already knew how to square dance – he’d learned it in school when he was a kid.  Ellie couldn’t imagine getting to do fun things like _dance_ at any of the schools she’d attended.  It seemed odd to her that something so frivolous would be taught like it’s some kind of life skill.  She was glad to hear some talk of continuing to offer lessons even after the party.  Surely there would be more parties, and it would be nice to have dances at weddings, like people used to in the old world.

Some of Ellie’s new friends attended the classes, too –- like Annie and Jacob.  Ellie liked to imagine that these were double dates:  two giddy teenage girls had dragged their reluctant boyfriends out, and the guys had to act like they were being tortured but secretly they kind of enjoyed it.  Joel had been such a good sport through all of it that she was going to let him off the hook for the last night, but he declined the offer.  There _were_ plenty of guys at all of the classes, so maybe he was jealous of who she might dance with besides him… Ellie sure hoped he was.  Or maybe he really did enjoy it more than he let on. 

Ellie also needed to learn how to swim, and Joel had mentioned before that he would teach her.  The weather was warm enough that people were going swimming regularly now.  There would definitely be swimming at the party.  Maria had found her a swimsuit, which she would unfortunately need to wear a long-sleeved T-shirt over to hide her bitten arm… but it wasn’t like she had any cleavage to tease Joel with anyhow.  She thought swim lessons would be another good opportunity to have Joel’s hands on her, keeping her from drowning while she learned… maybe one thing would lead to another...  The reality was a little disappointing.  The water was fucking _cold_ , so cold that her teeth were chattering and her flesh was goosepimpling.  Even always-warm Joel got a little chilled.  Instead of appreciating how close they were when his hands were holding her body steady, her arms wrapped around his neck as she practiced kicking, she was thinking about how unbearably, mind-numbingly cold she was.  It could have been nice when they got out of the water if Joel had engulfed her in his arms to warm her up, but nope –- he tossed her a towel, then a sweatshirt.  Maybe if she could get him to teach her at night, when no one was around... Joel didn’t want to do that, though, because the water would be even colder and it would be too dark ( _“Why the hell do you wanna swim at night when you’re freezin’ your ass off in the sunniest part of the day?”_ ).

She would have to get used to how cold the water was; other people she talked to said they got cold in the beginning too but now they were more accustomed to it.  Joel felt like she was doing okay at learning how to swim, but he made her promise she wouldn’t go in the water without him until he felt more confident in her proficiency.  Just to test the waters, so to speak, Ellie asked if she could go in the lake with other teens who were good swimmers, and Joel said no.  She half-heartedly whined about that a little, but secretly she liked that he was so concerned for her safety that he didn’t trust her life in anyone’s hands but his own.  She wondered if she would ever truly become accustomed to _that_ … to having another person be more concerned for her than she was for herself.

Ellie had to give Annie progress reports, naturally, and she hated to admit it, but with only a few days left before her self-imposed deadline, it was time to try things Annie’s way.  Since both Ellie and Joel had Saturday and Sunday off that week, and Tuesday was the July 4th party, Monday was declared The Day:  Ellie would work at the farm in the morning but had the afternoon free, Joel would work easily into late afternoon (the guys were trying to construct another covered wagon, and it was apparently not as easy as they’d thought it would be).  She would have to make sure he came home instead of going to Tommy and Maria’s, and at the designated time, not before.  _Yeah.  He won’t think that’s odd at all._

She and Annie had Friday afternoon together to plan at the farm.  Ellie tried on the sundress Annie had picked out for her, but she refused to come out of the bathroom and model it for Annie.  “You can see me wear it on Monday but not before,” Ellie promised through the door as she pulled on the dress.  “Isn’t that a wedding thing… you’re not supposed to see the bride in her dress before the wedding?”

Annie giggled.  “You’re already getting married to this guy?  It’s only the _groom_ who’s not supposed to see the bride before.”

“Whatever.  _My_ rule says no one can see.  Not ‘til Monday anyway!”  She looked in the mirror and felt utterly ridiculous.  The dress fit okay.  The elastic top part that Annie called the ‘bodice’ was forgiving of the fact that she had no boobs.  It was a little loose at the waist, and apparently a little longer than it was meant to be, but Ellie refused to let Annie change that when Ellie only needed it for a few hours.  Ellie twirled experimentally and the skirt flared out a little.  It was so fucking girly!

The main reason Ellie didn’t want Annie to see her in it was that she didn’t want to worry about hiding her scarred arm from Annie any more than she absolutely had to.  She’d thought about telling Annie the truth, but she’d promised Joel she wouldn’t tell anyone, and when she’d hinted that maybe it would be okay to tell certain people now, he’d adamantly said no way.  She wasn’t sure how she’d hide it from her on Monday either, but Ellie hoped that she and Joel would have a fantastic weekend and Monday would be rendered unnecessary…

Yeah.  Right.  Because she’d had _so_ much luck seducing Joel with arm-touching and smiling and awkward compliments.

Ellie changed back into her dirty old clothes as soon as she could and immediately felt like herself again.  But Annie wasn’t done with her yet –- there was still her hair to torture into various styles, copying from a book she’d borrowed from the library.  Up in a bun, partially pulled back with barrettes, all the way down… Ellie allowed Annie to curl it with a little wand that she had, just for fun, but no way was Ellie curling it on Monday.  Annie didn’t know how to French braid (she lamented that if Will had only been a girl, she would have had someone to practice on), which was unfortunate, because that was the style Ellie liked best.  Annie tried it a couple times with Ellie’s hair and gave up, saying it looked like the handiwork of a six-year-old.

“I think you should wear it down, though,” Annie said authoritatively.  “That will make him want to touch it.”

Ellie thought of how Joel stroked her hair at night… it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen her hair down before (he’d seen it all messed up and tangly in the morning too, which wasn’t very romantic).  Wearing it down was simple, though, and it was more in the realm of believability than some elaborate style.

All that was left to figure out was the food.  Ellie had paged through some cookbooks at the library, and everything in those looked absolutely delicious… and absolutely impossible to make.  The recipes called for ingredients that Ellie had either never heard of or that weren’t available, and many of them included procedures that were foreign to her as well.  She would have to stick to something they’d already eaten before.  Something Joel really liked.  That was easy –- Esther’s shepherd’s pie, which Annie promised she knew how to make.

The weekend felt really long to Ellie.  She was both dreading and looking forward to Monday, while at the same time trying to help Joel catch a clue prior to that so she could ditch the whole thing.  Naturally, she failed at that.  Her attempts at a ‘flirtatious giggle’ flopped (Joel looked at her strangely, but did seem to think it was cute.  She didn’t want to be cute!).  Any time she tried to steer the conversation towards anything sexual, Joel shut it down -- which was probably just as well because she didn’t know how to ‘pull the trigger’ there anyhow.  Touching his arm yielded absolutely no further understanding on his part than it had before.  Out of desperation, she even decided to flirt with a guy in the library on Sunday to see if it would make Joel jealous enough to take action. 

Ellie saw an opportunity after playing video games, when she came out of the gaming room to find Joel playing chess with Craig.  She noticed a guy browsing the shelves near the restrooms –- the son of one of those laundry skanks.  From what she knew of him, though, he wasn’t anything like his mom.  Nineteen-year-old Lucas was shy and awkward, which made him an appealing target for Ellie, who was also shy and awkward –- with flirting, if nothing else!  Rumor had it that he had a thing for his cousin, who lived with him and his mom.  Ellie hadn’t seen any reason to suspect the rumor was true, and she figured people just liked to invent gossip to suit their imaginations.  Whether he was or not was irrelevant to her anyway; she only needed a sham, something that might just wake Joel up.

Joel had beckoned her over, but she gestured towards the restroom and said she’d be right back.  He was even sitting on the side of the chess board that offered the optimal view of her and her… victim.  _Ha!_ She actually did go pee first, figuring that Joel wouldn’t even bother glancing in her direction for a few minutes.  She had to force herself not to look towards Joel when she came out, in case that somehow made it obvious to him that she wanted him to watch her.  She sidled up to Lucas’s side with all the grace of a… person who isn’t sexy.

“Hey, Lucas, whatcha lookin’ at?” she purred, putting her hand on his arm and leaning in to look at the book in his hands.  It looked like a textbook, but skinnier.

“Oh, uh… it’s just… a book…” He was almost stammering, he was so nervous. 

 _Maybe it’s just Joel who’s immune to the arm thing?_ “I can see it’s a book,” she teased, laughing a little, but not so much that he might think she was making fun of him.  Or so she hoped.  “What’s it about?”

“Nothing, really.”

He wasn’t giving her much to work with, but he also wasn’t making her feel intimidated or stupid.  “Doesn’t look like nothing to me.  Looks like... boats?  Sailboats?”

Lucas was blushing.  And staring at her hand on his arm like he wasn’t sure what it was.  He wasn’t really Ellie’s type (that is, he wasn’t Joel), but she supposed he was kind of cute in a sweet, dorky way, with bangs that flopped over his eyes.  He sort of grimaced… like he’d tried to smile but then swallowed it.  He had a little gap between his front teeth.  “Well… yeah.” 

 _Come on, dude, give me SOMEthing!_ Ellie smiled at him, trying to make him feel more at ease.  If she were Scarlett O’Hara, she would say something about how brilliant he was and how stupid she herself was in comparison, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.  There was no way that guys bought that bullshit anymore… right?  “Can you show me?”  She leaned in closer.

He actually took a step away from her, breaking her hold on his arm.  “Why?”

Ellie hoped Joel was taking note of this exchange by now because she was getting frustrated.  “Boats are cool.  I’ve been on one before.”  _Never mind that it was beached._ She remembered how Joel had joked about having a yacht… how she’d actually believed it for a second.  _Did I love him even way back then?_

Lucas seemed a tiny bit more relaxed now that she wasn’t touching him.  “I’d like to build one.  Nothin’ fancy.  Just to row around the lake.  Maybe people could fish from it.  But… I dunno if I can.”

“Really?  That’s awesome!” Ellie wasn’t even faking the enthusiasm.  “Sure you can.  People would help you.  My… Joel could help you, I bet.”  She still couldn’t seem to refer to Joel as a friend.

“Maybe, but… we might not have the right materials here.” Lucas frowned.  “It’s prob’ly a dumb idea.”

Finally, in her peripheral vision, Ellie noticed Joel heading her way.  In order to make Joel _super_ jealous, if he wasn’t already, she laughed loudly, as if her companion had just said something hilarious.  The surprised expression on Lucas’s face almost made her laugh for real.  “Oh, don’t be silly!  Of course it’s not.  Have a little faith.  You can do it.”  Ellie pretended she only just now noticed Joel coming towards them.  “Oh hey Joel!  Lucas here wants to build a boat.  You can help him with that, right?”

“Hey,” Lucas greeted Joel while staring at his shoes.  He seemed more fidgety and embarrassed now than when Ellie was trying to flirt with him.  Ellie was trying to keep the most innocent expression possible on her face.  Lucas shifted his weight from one foot to the other.  “It was just a… a thought.”

“A boat, huh?” Joel’s eyes were on Ellie at first, then shifted to Lucas.  “You should draft somethin’ an’ show it to Craig.  He was impressed with your wagon drawing, jus’ had to tweak it a little.”

“You guys know each other?”  Now Ellie was the jealous one.  For a moment, she imagined Joel hanging out at Lucas’s house with his slutty mom.  But then she realized from context that it was more likely Joel knew him from work.  _That’s good!  If Joel works with him, he’ll think of me every time he sees Lucas on the job now._

“Yeah.  Ellie, we gotta go.  Seeya around, kid,” he said to Lucas.  Joel took a few steps back, slowly, like he was waiting for Ellie to say goodbye and join him.

Ellie was amused.  _Where the fuck do we ‘gotta go,’ Joel?_ She tried to think of the most fantastic flirtatious parting words… but of course, couldn’t think of a thing and would probably kick herself later when a brilliant remark struck her.  She settled for a smile and a cheerful wave.  “Bye!”

Joel walked at a brisk pace, not saying a word, then took Ellie by the arm and veered them to the right, between two rows of bookshelves with no people around.  Ellie’s first thought was _omigod he’s so jealous he’s gonna kiss me right here in the library!_ –- but reality immediately killed that fantasy.  Joel was furious.  He let go of her arm.  “What the fuck was that, Ellie?” he demanded, keeping his voice low.

This reaction was exactly what Ellie wanted.  If Joel had made some casual remarks, fishing for insight on Ellie’s feelings for the guy, it still would have been a good sign, but anger… that was passion!  She couldn’t let on that she was excited, though.  “What do you mean?” she asked demurely.

“You know what I mean.  What were you doing with that kid?”

Ellie wished she’d rehearsed what to say.  “I wasn’t doing anything, we were just talking!”  She tried to sound wounded.

“Bullshit.  That boy is way too old for you.”

 _Um… what?!_ Ellie stared at him for a second.  “Too old for what?  He’s _nineteen._ ”

“Exactly.  You’re fifteen.”

Maybe Ellie could turn this to her advantage… resolve the age difference thing… “That’s practically the same age!  I don’t _care_ how old people are, Joel.  It makes no difference.  It’s just a number.  There’s no such thing as ‘too old.’  Not to me.”  Now if Joel would just _hear_ her.

“Is that so.  So if a dirty old man -- a… a thirty-somethin’-year old man… forty… if some pervert hit on you, you’d be fine with it.”

Ellie wondered if his hesitation meant that he’d nearly inserted his own age into the example accidentally.  She hoped it did.  “Yep.  I mean, if I liked him.  Even if he was sixty.  It doesn’t matter.  I told you, I’m not a little kid.”  She also hoped that her choice of ‘sixty’ made Joel feel young.

Joel scowled.  “That’s fucked up.”

“Why is it fucked up?!  _You’re_ the one who has a problem with age.”  _Okay, Ellie, don’t be too critical, think of how you can HELP him with his age problem in a way he can understand._

“It ain’t a problem.  It’s natural.  People are more compatible with others their own age.”

“Maybe some people are.  I have more in common with older people, though.  People my age are immature.”

“And you’re so much more mature than they are?  Is that it?”

“Well, yeah.  Lots of people have told me that, y’know.  I’m not making it up.”

“I don’ want you seein’ that boy.” 

Skipping to the point meant that he’d already exhausted his arsenal of reasons.  _Ha!_   “I was just talking to him, Joel.  Jesus.”

“I don’ want you talkin’ to him, either.”

“Why don’t you like him?  He’s sweet.”  Ellie didn’t even know if that was true.  All she really knew was he was shy.  Hopefully, labeling Lucas ‘sweet’ would make Joel wonder if she liked him, maybe scare him into making a move himself.

“I don’ like him or dislike him, he’s _too old_.”

Ellie snickered.  “Too old to talk to?  I talk to _you_ all the time.  We all speak English.”

Joel sighed and turned to leave.  “Come on, smartass.”

 _Wait!  We’re not done yet, I haven’t changed your mind!_ Ellie bit her lip and tried to think of what else she could say.  “Joel…” she stalled, staying rooted to her spot.

He turned back toward her.  “What,” he snapped irritably.

“Um…”  _Shit.  Think…_

“Come on,” Joel repeated, gentler this time.

Maybe she could get him focused on his jealousy rather than being pissed off at her.  “Are you just… like… worried an older guy would, um… you know… _do_ stuff?”  She felt herself blushing.  _Don’t be such a baby, Ellie, God.  No wonder he thinks you’re a child._

Joel stepped towards her again so they could converse in soft voices.  “Of course I am.  You’re… inexperienced.  You have no idea what goes through boys’ minds.”

In spite of not wanting to be a baby, Ellie did like his overprotectiveness.  “I can handle myself.  And I mean… it’s not like I don’t wanna do stuff too.”  Ellie watched him closely, willing him to read her mind.  _See?  I’m old enough._

But Joel winced like she’d said something painful.  “You’re too young, Ellie.”

“No I’m not!  You can’t tell me you were too young when _you_ were fifteen.”

“It’s different for guys. –An’ don’ you say bullshit—“ he said, before she could even get the word out of her mouth--”It’s true.  I ain’t bein’ sexist.  It’s biological.  An’ after all you been through, Ellie… you don’ need to be doin’ any of that yet.”

Ellie knew there was some truth to what he said… about her, at least.  But she was positive she wouldn’t have these feelings for Joel if she wasn’t ready.  Ready for _him_ , because she trusted him completely.  She knew he would never hurt her.  “I think you’d say that no matter what age I am,” she challenged.  “What’s the _real_ reason you don’t want me to… to be with anyone?”  _“Because I want you with me, Ellie,”_ he would say, taking her in his arms…

“That _is_ the real reason.  Now come on, you can practice playin’ chess with Craig.  He sucks only slightly less than I do so it’s a pretty even match, you’n’me against him.”

Ellie could tell Joel was done talking about this and there was no point in continuing to talk to his brick wall of a brain.  Practicing chess _would_ be fun, with her and Joel on the same side, huddled together, speaking conspiratorially over the pieces… okay, so not all that huddled or conspiratorial in a teaching game with Craig sitting right there.  But still.  And before she could even fantasize properly about her and Joel sharing a chair, he had pulled up a third one for himself to sit in, gesturing for her to take the empty one at the table in front of the white pieces.

“Oh shit, Joel, I’m in trouble now that you brought out the big guns,” teased Craig, with a wink at Ellie.

Ellie laughed.  “Hey, I don’t even know if I remember what all the pieces are and how they move!”

So, unless by some miracle she could get Joel to revisit this and come to his senses at home that night, she would have to go ahead with the plan of making it glaringly, painfully obvious.  In the meantime, she did enjoy Joel sitting close to her, his hand occasionally on top of hers if she reached for the wrong piece. 

She wondered if Lucas would notice them playing and find it odd that ‘we gotta go’ meant that they had to go play chess. 


	21. Do Or Die

The day had finally arrived.  This was it!  Do or die.  …not to be melodramatic or anything.  But Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this nervous.  She’d rather face a roomful of Infected than this.  How fucked up was that?It was just Joel.  A man who loved her.  What was the worst that could happen, really?

Ellie woke up before Joel, before her alarm went off -- neither of which was unusual.  She switched it off and looked at the back of the sleeping lump a few feet away from her.  He was always on his own side of the mattress in the mornings now.  Ellie slipped quietly off the bed and went around to his side.  The rising sun had begun to tint the room a ghostly gray through the curtains, but his face was still in shadow. _This is the last time I’ll see you before everything changes_ , she thought happily _._ She gently kissed his forehead, then went off to start her day.

A very looooong day.  She considered backing out.  Several times.  She didn’t _have_ to do it, she could just keep things the way they were… But then Annie would catch her eye and shoot a gleeful, excited look her way, and Ellie remembered that she had a lot to feel hopeful about.  Either way, she had to know.  And she already _knew_ , somehow.  Joel just needed a nudge… and unequivocal consent.

But… but… guh, so many things could go wrong!  What if Joel spaced it and went to Tommy and Maria’s, and Ellie was sitting around waiting like an idiot?  What if Annie saw her scar and freaked out and Ellie had to deal with that instead of getting ready?  What if she burned dinner?  What if she spilled something on Annie’s pretty dress?  What if she somehow ripped or otherwise mangled the dress?  Joel would think she was just a little kid trying to play grown-up.  What if everything went just fine but she couldn’t manage to flip the switch over to romance?  Maybe he wouldn’t _get_ it.  What if he laughed at her?  What if he told her that what she thought she knew was bullshit, that he didn’t think of her that way at all and she was crazy for thinking that he could?

Nothing went wrong in Annie’s kitchen when they were prepping her shepherd’s pie.  The two girls had the kitchen to themselves since Esther was helping Farm 2 all day.  Annie had told her mom she’d be helping Ellie cook a nice dinner for Joel, as a cover --  _ha_!  She figured it was a good story because Ellie and her mystery man wouldn’t be eating the entire pie that night and Joel would likely have leftovers, if Esther ever happened to bring up the subject of Ellie’s cooking in the future.  Still a gamble… Annie fretted that her mom might say something about Ellie making it  _for_ Joel instead of him merely sampling some leftovers, but Ellie assured her there was no need to waste any time thinking about such remote possibilities.

With about an hour and a half to go, the girls headed up to Joel’s house armed with the casserole, the dress, and hair styling tools.  The timer on the oven didn’t work, so Ellie would have to remember to pull the dish out at the correct time -- about ten minutes before Joel was expected to arrive.  Ellie had reminded him again last night to come home at  _exactly_ six o’clock, and since she wouldn’t tell him why, she hoped he would be intrigued enough not to forget.

She had so much grooming to do!  She had to shave her legs, file or clip her nails, wash and condition her hair, rub lotion all over herself –- and that was _really_ extravagant, as lotion was meant to be stored for use in the winter when skin got so dry it chapped.  Even then it was to be used sparingly.  Annie insisted it was important that she have soft, touchable skin, and that this occasion was worthy of lotioning.

Ellie didn’t want to put the dress on until the very end (both to keep her arm hidden as long as possible and to minimize the chance of messing up the dress) so after she’d showered and groomed herself, she wore a bathrobe while Annie worked on her hair.  Ellie sat on a kitchen chair in front of the bathroom mirror.  There wasn’t enough room for Annie to pass behind her so she had to keep twisting in her seat to let her reach the other side of her head.  Ellie had never in her life had her hair blown dry; it felt very self-indulgent.  The hot air tickled the nape of her neck and made her squirm a little.

Annie brushed her hair out until it crackled, then fluffed it around her shoulders.  The uneven locks that normally framed her face appeared to blend in to the rest of her hair.  “Look how shiny and soft it is, Ellie!  It’s beautiful!  You  _have_ to leave it down.  He’ll want to touch it.”

Ellie had used a conditioning rinse Annie made for her out of beer, honey, and aloe vera (only a _tiny_ bit of beer, according to Annie).  She fingered a strand; it  _was_  rather soft, and it smelled like the plant, not the beer, thankfully.  Of course, Annie didn’t realize that Joel had touched her hair plenty already.  Ellie imagined him touching it with both hands, cupping her face while she was standing in front of him… then he’d lean in to kiss her.... She promptly blushed and giggled.  “I hope he does!”  Excitement began to edge out the fear and anxiety, and she felt confident again.

“It’s really pretty like that -- he doesn’t stand a chance,” Annie declared.

“Ha!  If all that decides this thing is my hair, maybe!  Soooo I guess it’s time to turn into a complete girl now and put that fucking dress on…”

Complete girl indeed.  A little bit of Annie’s homemade ‘lip gloss’ (more aloe vera and honey) completed her look.  Ellie barely recognized the girl in the mirror.  A vision of Joel walking in the door and instinctively pulling a gun at the sight of a stranger in his house made her laugh.  That would be quite the start to their evening!  She looked strange, sure, but… she didn’t look half bad, she thought.  She shyly emerged from the bathroom, keeping the bathrobe folded over her right arm.  Annie squealed in delight when she saw her.  “Eeeeeeee it’s perfect!  You look amazing!”

“Shut up,” Ellie grumbled, embarrassed but happy, her head bowed. 

Annie groaned.  “No!  Remember what you’re gonna say when he compliments you?”

“’Thank you’,” Ellie recited with a sigh.

“And don’t look down!”

She kept looking down… at her bare feet.  Annie had some sandals that would have looked cute with the dress, but Ellie’s feet were too small.  Esther’s feet were closer to Ellie’s size.  Too bad the only shoes in Esther’s closet were even uglier than Ellie’s sneakers.  Since it was summer, they decided that going barefoot would be preferable to wearing inappropriate footwear.  Hopefully Joel wouldn’t pay much mind to the bottoms of her feet, as they’d be plenty dirty before he even got home.

Annie offered to stick around and help Ellie pass the remaining time, and to make sure the casserole came out okay.  It was a tempting offer, but Ellie didn’t want to risk cutting it too close.  “I got it from here,” she assured her friend with a quick hug, remaining conscious of the angle at which she kept her scarred arm.  “Thank you sooooooo much.  For everything.  I owe you big time!”

“You’re welcome, it was fun!”  Now Annie appeared to be the anxious one.  “Don’t forget to go to the bathroom after you eat so you can put on more lip gloss.  Keep your head up.  Smile a lot.  Don’t forget the candles.  Um... what else… I wish we had wine, romantic dinners in the movies _always_ have wine—“

Ellie laughed.  “Stop, you’re gonna make me all nervous again.  I’m good.  Now get outta here, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow!  Remember, you promised -- _no spying._ ”

Annie rolled her eyes.  “Not spying –- _back-up!_ ”

“Spying in disguise, you mean.  I’m fine!  Bye!”  To Ellie’s amusement, Annie had offered up the services of herself (and Jacob, if Ellie would allow her to tell him) to hang out nearby in case things got ‘out of hand.’  If only Annie knew how ludicrous that was!  Joel was the last person on the planet who would do anything like that to her (which was part of the fucking problem, really).  Ellie had reminded her that in the unlikely event of any unwanted advances, she was quite skilled at protecting herself, especially against an unarmed civilian, for fuck’s sake; she didn’t need friends hanging around in ‘scream distance’ for security. 

 _Twenty minutes to go._ All that was left to do in preparation was to yank the dish out of the oven, and light the two tapered candles.  They were already burned about halfway down from use during power outages -- the intended use for them, but again, Annie told her it was important enough to ‘waste’ them to create a cozy romantic glow.  The sun wouldn’t even set for a couple hours so this was _really_ wasteful.  With the curtains shut, at least it was relatively dark inside, and maybe that would make Joel feel extra secure in their privacy should he feel like kissing her…

 _Omigod he’s SO going to fucking kiss me tonight._   Somehow.  How?!  What was she even going to say to him?  She’d tried to plan this out and never got very far.  She couldn’t rehearse a speech.  She had to go with the flow.

With no task to distract her, Ellie started feeling a little panicky again.  Wasn’t there _some_ thing she could do while she waited?  Annie had already tidied up the house and set the table while Ellie was in the shower, and besides, Ellie was handicapped by the dress:  she had to keep it clean and unwrinkled and _perfect._   She perched carefully on the edge of the couch.  Soon she’d be sitting here with Joel!  They would eat a nice meal and talk about whatever and then Joel would want to stretch out and relax so they’d move to the couch… maybe she’d end up in his lap?  She wouldn’t be worried about wrinkling the dress then –- its job would be done.  She got shivery just thinking about it.  He’d tell her how pretty she looked (and she would _not_ tell him to shut up), she’d look into his eyes and try not to do the nervous laugh… he’d notice how shiny and kissable her lips were…

A loud rap on the door interrupted her fantasy.  _What the fuck?!_ Joel wasn’t due for another fifteen minutes, and he wouldn’t knock.  Before she was even up off the couch, Annie burst through the door, panting like she was on the run from a cluster of Infected.  “Ellie!  Big problem!  Joel’s coming!  He’s not working late like you thought!  We have to do something!”

 _Shit!_   Ellie rushed over to the door. “What?  Where did you—“

“I went to the library!” she panted.  “He was there -- I watched him leave!  I wanted to make sure –- so I followed him out--”

“He’s probably going to Tommy’s…”

“No, he’s heading this way!  South, not east!  Where else would he be going?!  I ran as fast as I could to beat him here -- he can’t be too far behind though -- I had to go around –- I have to distract him!  Enough that he won’t come here.”  Annie squeezed her eyes shut like she was thinking hard.

 _Oh God._ “No, don’t worry about it!  Go!”

Annie ignored her.  “Oh!  I know!  I can run in front of him -- and I’ll pretend to trip and hurt myself!  He’d have to help me –- I could act like my ankle’s twisted or something—“

 _Fuck!_   This could be disastrous.  Ellie had to admire her friend for being so dedicated to this plan, detrimental though it was.  She just _had_ to get rid of her before Joel showed up!  “Annie, no!  It’s fine, I can handle it, just go!”  She pushed her gently backwards towards the doorway.

But Annie was intent on doing this; she just raised her voice over Ellie’s objections and kept laying out a plan.  “No –- this will work!  We’ll hobble real slow all the way back to my house –- he can go get my mom off Farm 2 -- and my mom and him will start talking –- we’ll get him to stay for dinner over there –- I’ll even tell him we’re expecting _you_ for dinner so he’ll stay –- later I can say I got the days mixed up—“

“Annie, _no_!  I got this!  You have to trust me.  Just go!”  Ellie tried to turn her around and shove her a little more forcefully this time.

Still, Annie wouldn’t leave.  “But what are you gonna do?!” she wailed.

“I’ll think of something!  Just fucking _GO!_   I don’t need help!”  Ellie grabbed her by the shoulders and marched her out the door, giving her one last push –- almost directly into Joel’s arms.  _FUCK FUCK FUCK!_ He’d been trotting up to the porch; he must have heard their shouting.  _Who knows what he heard, with the fucking door open.  FUUUUUUCK!_

Annie backed up a few steps and blocked the doorway.  Joel couldn’t really see Ellie that well, with Annie standing in front of her… not getting out of his way.  “Ellie?  You all right?  …Annie?” Joel looked at Annie in confusion, but she offered no explanation.

Did Annie think Joel would just go away if she stood there like that?  Ellie might have laughed if she wasn’t so busy trying not to freak out.  “I’m fine.  Annie was _just leaving_.”  Annie turned to see Ellie’s expression, perhaps to look for some sign of a plan… Ellie pleaded with her eyes and mouthed _‘GO.’_

A bit flustered, Annie chuckled nervously and tried to smile at Joel like everything was all fucking normal as could be.  “Yeah, um… I was just leaving.  See you tomorrow, Ellie!”

Without thinking, Ellie slammed the door shut and hurried across the room.  Like she could just pretend that hadn’t happened and Joel would walk through the door all casual as planned and she’d turn around and greet him with what she hoped was a flirtatious smile and…

Of course, Joel opened the door, and he was anything but casual.  “Ellie, what the fuck—“

Ellie wished with all her being that she was wearing her jeans and T-shirt instead of this stupid dress, and that her hair was normal and she wouldn’t have to try to explain anything to Joel.  She couldn’t make herself turn around and face him yet… _but at least I haven’t locked myself in the bathroom either?_   “You’re not supposed to be here yet!  I told you six!” she said angrily.

“Yeah, and it’s… almost six,” Joel said slowly.  “Is there someone else here?”

“No!”

Joel went to check the other two rooms anyway.  Ellie’s bare feet had somehow frozen themselves to the floor.  “I said no.  Why do you think someone else is here?”

“Why were you an’ Annie fightin’ like that?  What did she do that—“

“Nothing!  God!” _Can you please go outside so we can start this over?_

He stood in the hallway, looking at her.  She was too discombobulated to face him so she turned her back on him and tried to think.  She had to get control of herself.  “What are you up to?” he asked suspiciously.

Ellie remembered the casserole in the oven and found the courage to uproot herself from her spot.  “Wait.  Stay there.”  As if he might not notice her going to the kitchen?  But it bought her a tiny bit of time to think.  She’d failed in worse situations and recovered.  _Calm down, Ellie.  Don’t yell at him.  This isn’t ruined, not yet.  You shot an arrow at a clicker and missed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still shoot the fucker with a shotgun…_

She managed to get the dish on the stove without burning herself, and she switched the oven off.  _Fire hazard neutralized._ She turned around and found that, naturally, Joel hadn’t stayed put.  He was standing by the table.  “Why are you acting weird?  And why the hell are you wearing a dress?”  He didn’t sound angry, he wasn’t making fun of her, it was more like… he was _concerned_.

The interrogation was making her feel defensive.  “I thought it was pretty,” she said meekly, realizing how lame it sounded before she’d even finished saying it.  If he thought it was pretty -- if he thought _she_ looked pretty, he didn’t give any indication.  _Fuck!  Okay, you shot and missed, time to grab a Molotov?_

Trying to relate this to the familiar turf of killing Infected wasn’t helping matters.  At least Joel didn’t know what to say either, and he was slow to respond.  He frowned at her.  “Are you tryin’ to impress some boy?”

“No!”  _Ugh -- okay, wait, this is actually a move in the right direction, don’t yell…_

“That boy from the library last night?”

 _Lucas?  Ha!_   “No,” she repeated, making more of an effort to stay calm.

“You always wear your hair in a ponytail…”

“Well, I felt like doing something different.  It’s nothing to be mad about!”

“I ain’t mad.”

“Then why are you yelling at me?”  She just needed him to shut up so she could fucking _think._

“You’re the one doin’ the yellin’,” he pointed out.

He was right, of course.  What was wrong with her?  And why was she glaring at him?  She didn’t want to be mad… that wasn’t supposed to happen…

Joel gestured to the couch.  “C’mon, let’s sit down an’ have us a little talk.”

Ellie dutifully sat down on the couch with him.  Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.  Sitting on the couch _was_ part of the plan.  So they’d skipped the dinner part.  She didn’t feel like she could eat right now anyway, not with the way her stomach was roiling.  They were sitting quite close, their knees almost touching… but Joel didn’t touch her.  She wondered if he’d freak out if she decided to have this talk while sitting in his lap... yeah, of course he would.  She bit her lip, tasting the gloss.

“You know you can talk to me,” he began.  “No, lemme rephrase that –- I _want_ you to talk to me.  I don’ like you sneakin’ around doin’ things without tellin’ me but I… I reckon you did it ‘cause I ain’t exactly been… understandin’… about boys an’ such.”

Ellie sighed.  “I already told you, it’s not about that.”  When Joel got an idea in his head, it was hard to dislodge it.  Was he forgetting that she’d been expecting _him_ to be here?  Maybe that’s how she could turn this around and make him see what was right in front of him…

“Well, I don’ know why else you would—“

She waited for him to find the words.  None came.  “Why I would what?” she prompted.  _Do you think I look pretty, Joel?_

“Do all this,” he said, covering her appearance and the dinner with a sweeping hand gesture.

 _Okay, here goes…_ She leaned toward him a little and bravely looked him in the eye.  “Joel… it’s not for a _boy_ ,” she said pointedly.

And she saw it –- the comprehension, the look of understanding, _finally_ –- and… relief?  She didn’t get the feeling that he was particularly happy, though.  Nor did he seem repulsed.  Joel nodded.  “I get it.  A _girl._   Nothin’ wrong with that.  You an’ Annie…?”

 _What?!_ Ellie was so frustrated she wanted to scream. How could he be so completely utterly fucking oblivious?!  “Oh my God.  No!”

“It’s all right, I understand—“

“You don’t understand _anything_!  What is wrong with you?!”  Getting mad wouldn’t accomplish her goal but she just couldn’t help herself.

Joel blinked.  “ _Wrong_ with me?”

“You _don’t_ get it.  You completely don’t fucking get it.  It’s not a girl!  It’s not a boy and it’s not a girl.  So why else…” _No no no STOP.  This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.  Don’t just blurt it out._   It was a wonder that she’d managed to keep sitting.  She turned away from him, away from the infuriatingly clueless, puzzled look on his face.

It was also a wonder Joel hadn’t lost his patience by this point, actually.  It must be frustrating to be so dense.  “Ellie, if you would just tell me what’s goin’ on with you, I wouldn’ have to guess.”

 _You shouldn’t have to guess, you should fucking know by now!_ Was the idea that she’d try to have a romantic evening with him such a foreign concept to his brain that it didn’t even compute?  She decided the first part was safe to say out loud.  “You shouldn’t have to guess.”

“That’s right.  Because you should _tell_ me.”

So be it.  “Fine!  I did it for you, okay?  I wanted you to— I made you dinner,” she amended.  She could let him puzzle out her reasons.  She was pretty sure everything was ruined now.  _Wasted all the ammo, better make a run for it…_

“For me,” Joel repeated doubtfully, as if he hadn’t heard her correctly and expected her to correct him.

Ellie felt her face burning but she forced herself to turn around and gauge Joel’s reaction -- one of genuine surprise.   _…and nothing else?_ “Is it so hard to believe?”  Clearly it was.  “I wanted to do something nice for you.”

Joel seemed to conclude that she was telling the truth.  He smiled a little and leaned closer to ruffle her hair.  “That’s awfully sweet.  Thank you.  You didn’ have to.”

“I know I didn’t.  I wanted to.”  He still wasn’t grasping the full picture here.  Ellie wasn’t sure she wanted him to anymore.  She was really bad at this.  Or was Joel truly just  _that_ thick?  Maybe it was both.

Then he touched her hair again, more gently than the ruffling, and her heart leaped.  Maybe all was not lost!  He toyed with a lock of it, and his fingers grazed her bare shoulder, sending a little shiver down her spine.  “Your hair… it’s softer’n usual.  It’s nice.”

Ellie didn’t know what to say.  She couldn’t tell him how she’d made it softer, or anything else she’d done to increase her desirability.  At least he’d finally commented on some aspect of her appearance.  It wasn’t the  _‘you’re so beautiful, Ellie’_ remark of her fantasies… but she had to admit, her fantasies could be a little farfetched.  Joel wasn’t exactly Prince Charming.  Then she remembered that she could have said ‘thank you’… _but after a few moments pass, isn’t it kind of too late?_

“Dinner smells good.  Let’s eat.  You hungry?”  Joel was way too comfortable with her; no way did he realize what the point of this evening was.  She wasn’t hungry at all but she followed him over to the dining area.  When he went to the counter to get the food, she grabbed his arm to stop him.

“No no no, let me get it!  Just sit down.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

 _That’s better._   She believed that Joel secretly liked it when she bossed him around, when he ‘yes ma’am’ed her like that.  Ellie donned the oven mitts to plant the pie in the center of the table, cautioned Joel that it was still hot, and went back to retrieve a serving spoon from the drawer.  She felt like they were playing house, and she was the good little wife; it was fun, even if it didn’t feel real.

“What’s with the candles?  Did the power go out here?  It was fine at the library.  It does look like a storm’s brewin’, though.”

She should have lit those stupid candles before, then he might have said the lighting was nice instead of asking her why they were there… nah, he still would have asked.  She didn’t have the courage to light them now.  “Um… it flickered,” she fibbed.  “Enough to fuck up the alarm clocks.  I reset them already.”  If Joel could tell she was lying, he didn’t let on.  She stood in front of the table dumbly holding the spoon.   _Am I supposed to scoop some on his plate or let him do that?  Why didn’t I think about this shit before?_   She only debated for a second before setting it on the table in front of him and taking her seat.  He might think it was weird otherwise.  Not that this whole thing wasn’t weird as fuck already.

According to Joel, the shepherd’s pie was awesome, which made Ellie feel all glowy inside, yet still she could only pick at it.  He asked her about her day, like usual (she confessed that Annie helped her with dinner, but she took full credit for the peeling and mashing of the potatoes, which was the hardest part, really), and this time she even remembered to ask him about _his_ day.  It was nice and all, but... _but what?_ She wanted to sulk like a spoiled brat, which was stupid, because they were having a pleasant dinner, and she had Joel’s undivided attention… a couple of months ago, this scene would have been heaven to her.

Joel had two full helpings in the time it took Ellie to eat her half serving.  He commented on her lack of appetite, and she fibbed again, saying she’d pigged out at lunch.  She didn’t think he bought it, but he didn’t push.  She couldn’t explain what her stomach was doing.  If this thing was fucked, shouldn’t the ball of anxiety in there melt away?  _But it’s not necessarily fucked.  Yet._

After the table was cleared and the leftovers put away, Joel plopped down on the couch like he usually did at Tommy’s after meals.  He’d offered to help with the dishes but she’d shooed him away, then left them in the sink –- she could wash them some time when she wasn’t wearing a dress she didn’t want to mess up. 

It felt like the couch presented an opportunity to enlighten Joel… somehow.  _How?_   He still hadn’t asked her about the dress.  Either he had no curiosity whatsoever, he thought she might get upset if he broached the topic, or he really _did_ know what she was doing… and, what?  Didn’t know how to handle it so found it best to ignore?  Hoped it would go away?  She hoped it was option two, because she’d just thought of the perfect way to bring it up.

Joel reached behind him and tugged the curtain open a little.  “It’s rainin’,” he observed.

“Hmm?  Oh.  Aren’t you gonna tease me about leaving dirty dishes over there?” she asked playfully as she sat next to him.  She tried leaning back, the way he was, but it felt too… too casual, or something. 

Joel chuckled.  “I should, seein’ as how you nag me over leavin’ one little thing.  I did offer my services so you can’t get pissed at me this time.”

Ellie wanted to sit sideways with one leg tucked under her, but the dress seemed to limit her options.  At least until she was willing to let it get wrinkled.  _That would be whenever Joel decides he wants to touch me.  So…never? Ugh, come ON, Joel…_   She crossed her legs and hoped she looked ladylike.  “I’ll do them when I’m not wearing… this.  I borrowed it from Annie.”

“Annie wears dresses all the time an’ it don’ stop her from doin’ things.”

Did he _have_ to think of it like that?  Jeez.  “But those are like… work dresses.  They’re _supposed_ to get dirty.  This one’s not.”

Joel wasn’t even looking at her.  His eyes were closed.  “Mmhmm.  You never told me why you’re wearin’ it in the first place.”

 _Okay good NOW SAY SOMETHING FLIRTY, ELLIE._ “I’m wearing it because…” _No, too direct._ “I wanted to… um…” _How is that LESS direct? FLIRT, damnit…_ “Don’t you like it?”  _Better, but possibly pathetic?_

“Sure.  It jus’ don’ look like… like _you_ , is all.”

“Because it’s pretty?”

Joel smirked.  “Exactly.” 

“Fuck you.”  She could tell he was just giving her shit, not trying to be mean, and normally she’d either give it right back or pretend to be mad at him… the ‘fuck you’ had slipped out rather automatically.  _How can I make this time different?  Why is this so hard?!_

Joel looked at her then.  Sat up a little.  Maybe he noticed the lack of laughter in her voice.  He lightly play-punched her arm. “Hey.  I’m jus’ teasin’ you.”

“I know.”  She forced a laugh.  Then, in some fucking bizarre divine moment of clarity, it hit her how utterly ridiculous it was for her to think that she could woo Joel with flirtation when she didn’t really know how to flirt and when he still wasn’t even perceiving her as a woman.  She and Joel had always become closer in the moments when they were being _real_ with each other.  Part of her still thought being direct was a mistake… a bigger part of her felt the torture had gone on long enough, and it was time to either shit or get off the pot.  “But... I’m not just… you know.  Jeans and dirt.”

“Since when?”  He seemed amused.  She needed him to _not_ be amused right now.

She plucked at her skirt, which gave her an excuse to look down.  “I mean… there’s a side of me you don’t even know, Joel.”  _God, this is almost as difficult as flirting!_

“All right.  What don’ I know?”

“The thing is… I’m not sure you wanna know.  That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“Of course I wanna know.”  Good, he was acting more serious now.  He leaned towards her.  “You can tell me anythin’ you want.”

“But what if you, like… laugh, or something?”  Much to Ellie’s horror, she felt like she wanted to cry.  She blinked rapidly to ward off the tears.  Tears were _not_ sexy.  That much she knew.

“I won’t.  I promise.”  Joel put his hand on her shoulder; he was in comfort/console mode.  That was probably the best she could hope for. 

Ellie looked at the hand.  Watched his thumb move gently back and forth.  Kept blinking.  “What if I told you…” _Fuck, I can’t say it!_

“Told me what?” Joel prompted.  “Ellie, what is goin’ on with you?  Maybe I can help you with it.”

She smiled a little.  “I know you can, actually.”

Joel seemed pleased to hear that.  “Well, good.  So tell me.”

“It’s just… um…” Ellie swallowed.  _This is it.  No going back.  Oh please please please let it be a change for the better!_ She looked at him.  At his face -- the rugged, whiskered face she was so fond of.  In his eyes… he looked so intense right now she felt like he already knew what she was going to say, somehow, in spite of his earlier cluelessness.  It gave her the last ounce of courage she needed.  “Joel…”

“What is it, baby girl?” he asked softly.

She took a deep breath.  _Do or die._ “I’m in love with you.”


	22. Born Too Late (part 1 of 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this needed to be all one chapter, but given the length, I’m splitting it into sub-chapters (posted together) in the hopes that no one's eyes glaze over!
> 
> Also, I'm like 99% done writing this story now, so I'm going to update about twice a week from here on out :D

Joel knew he’d heard her correctly.  Somehow he’d even known the jist of what she was going to say the moment before she said it.  It just didn’t make any  _sense_.  Before that, he’d been wondering if maybe all this was her way of telling him she was ready to discuss him adopting her.  Things had been pretty good between them recently, so good that it seemed like all that shit with the Fireflies was forgiven and forgotten.  He didn’t know why she’d be so nervous to talk to him about it, though.  Maybe she believed he was angry with her for rejecting him the first time (he’d never actually been angry about that, only disappointed), or that he’d changed his mind.  Or maybe she wanted to tell him that she loved him –- platonically, like a father. 

He’d been waaaay off.  Now it was clear why this was so difficult for her.  How much bravery it required.  Why she’d been acting strangely.  That made sense, but Ellie having romantic feelings for him did not.  How could she be _in_ love with him?  Had she somehow picked up on his own repressed feelings and… and _what_?  If she had, they should have freaked her out.

He stared at her for a long moment, waiting for her to crack up and say she was just fucking with him.

She didn’t, though.  She was dead serious, and looking at him expectantly.  “Well, say something,” she urged him softly.

Joel let his hand fall to his knee.  _You touch her too much, you asshole.  That’s why she thinks she’s in love with you._ “Ellie… you don’ know what you’re sayin’.”

“I know exactly what I’m saying.”  Ellie put her hand over his, undeterred by its retreat from her.  Her palm was moist.

Joel sighed.  He’d fantasized about her having such feelings for him, of course.  This was his perverted mind’s dream come true.  He couldn’t believe it.  And he _didn’t_ believe it, because that part of his brain was governed by his dick.  He knew better than to trust it.  There was logic to be applied here.  Ellie had never known unconditional love, never experienced this amount of affection… Joel knew she loved him, possibly more than she’d ever loved anyone in her life.  It did seem plausible that she might confuse those feelings with attraction, especially if he took hormones and novelty -- and maybe even gratitude? -- into consideration.  “You’re not in love with me.  You’re a kid.  You don’ know what love is yet… not _that_ kind of love.”

“That’s not true.”  She was surprisingly calm.  He’d expected her to pitch a fit.  “I do know what it is cuz I’m feeling it.”

Joel didn’t want to be a jerk… but there was no way around the fact that he was going to piss her off.  “Look.  You might think it’s love, but it ain’t.  It’s a crush, that’s all.  It’ll go away, in time.”

“No it won’t!  It’s not some stupid fucking crush, Joel,” she said vehemently.  “You can’t tell me how I feel.  I _know_ how I feel.”

She was pretty damn sure of herself.  _NO.  It’s impossible.  She’s just a little girl with a crush on Teacher._ He’d failed her; he was the adult here, he should have foreseen this, should have been more careful in his interactions with her.  “This is crazy.  I’m old enough to be your— hell, it ain’t jus’ that I’m old enough, I practically _am_ your father.”

“But you’re not!  Don’t you see?  _This_ is why we can’t be father and daughter.  We’re… you’n’me.  We’re different.”

She looked so earnest, so… vulnerable.  And so pretty in that cute little dress.  It would be very easy to take her in his arms and kiss her, make her head spin… to selfishly use her confusion to his advantage.  He was tempted.  _Fuck_ , was he tempted.  Now that he knew it wasn’t just wishful thinking, all those times— a certain way she’d look at him, or something she said, something in her touch --he’d chalked all that up to nothing more than his perverted imagination.  Now that he knew she wouldn’t be repulsed by him… _but she SHOULD be repulsed.  I’m ancient to her young eyes._ He shook his head. “I’m way too old for you.  What do you want with an old man?  You’re s’posed to want some… young pretty-boy type.”

Ellie smirked.  “You don’t _want_ me to want some boy.  You know why?  Cuz I’m supposed to be with _you_.  You know it, you just won’t admit it yet.  You’re not old.  You’re just older than me.”

“Thirty-five fuckin’ years older, Ellie.  Thirty-five.  That’s more than _twice_ how long you’ve even been alive.”

“Thirty-four-and-a-half, actually.  But so what?  Who gives a fuck?  I don’t.”

“Well, I do, kiddo.”  He groaned and leaned back into the couch again, pulling his hand away from hers.  This was bewildering.  He ran his hands through his hair and held his head for a moment, as if he had a splitting headache.  “It ain’t your fault.  It’s mine.  If I acted more… proper, with you, you wouldn’ have this bullshit in your head.”

“It’s not bullshit!” she insisted excitedly.  Joel was very aware of her hand now resting on his knee.  “You don’t have to act ‘proper,’ whatever the fuck you mean by that.  I like it when you… I like how we are.”

“Then why are you tryin’ to change things?”  He let his arms drop to his sides.

“Because it can be even _better_.  I’ll make you so happy.”

“You already do.”  Her hand was quite distracting.  _I should probably move it somewhere safer…_

“But not like –- I mean, you know.  Other ways,” she mumbled, blushing fiercely, averting her eyes.

Joel couldn’t help smiling at how adorable she was.  He wanted to pull her into his lap and squeeze the hell out of her.  _Right, that would really help matters._ He shook his head, shook the smile off his face.  “You’re too young.” 

“I’m not, I swear I’m not,” she pleaded, her eyes back on him.  “And anyways, that’s my decision, not yours.  You’re not pushing me, so you don’t have to feel like a bad person or anything.”

“I _am_ a bad person.  That has nothin’ to do with it.  If that was the only thing stoppin’ me –- feelin’ like a bad guy?  It wouldn’ta stopped me for long.”

“So you _do_ want me.”  Ellie grinned at him triumphantly.

Joel blinked.  “What?  That ain’t what I said.”  _Did I somehow say that?!_

She turned so that she was pretty much sideways on the couch, both (dress-covered) knees touching his leg.  He was glad the skirt on that dress was plenty long; he couldn’t even see her legs when she had them folded up like that.  “You do.  I already know you do.  Just like I already knew you were gonna say all this crap about being too old for me.”

He could deny it, and he could say mean things as reinforcement… shit that would wound her enough to kill this ludicrous idea she had.  He could prove to her that he was a complete asshole, and then she would hate him.  Problem solved.

But Joel didn’t have the heart to do it.  There was too much potential to fuck her up even more by eroding her self-esteem -- even if she didn’t completely believe him.  And any solution that made Ellie hate him wasn’t a good one anyhow.  No doubt she was going to be angry with him after this… much as he didn’t like the thought, he could handle it.  He would have to.  Instead of backing down and giving in to whatever the hell she wanted, he’d have to fucking handle it this time.  If he’d done it before, they wouldn’t be in this mess now.  Yes, she was going to be angry after this, but she wouldn’t hate his guts, and after she cooled down, things would go back to… well, sort of normal.

He couldn’t let her casually climb into his lap, which seemed to be what she was angling to do.  He had to cut that shit out.  He sat up straight and scooted over enough so that no parts of their bodies touched.  How could he get through to her… especially when he didn’t have it sorted out in his own mind?  “All right.  You don’ think I’m too old for you.  Has it occurred to you that maybe you’re too young for _me_?”

Ellie looked surprised.  “What do you mean?”  She put her hand on his knee again.

Instead of answering, he removed her hand.  “Ellie, don’t.”  _How can I explain…_

“Don’t what -- touch you?  Don’t you dare pretend you don’t like it.  We cuddle all the time.  Now you’ve decided it’s bad?  Because of how I feel?”

“We can’t.  It was selfish of me in the first place—“

“How is it selfish if it’s what we both want?”

“’Cause it fucked with your head!”

“No it didn’t!  I’m not fucked up, at least not about you.  This is— this is _real_ , Joel.  Is that what you’re afraid of?  That it’s not?”

“I ain’t afraid,” he muttered.  She reached for him again, and he stood up, because clearly she wasn’t going to back off with him sitting there so close to her.  It sure didn’t feel good, pushing her away when he wanted to hold her close.  _Man up, Joel.  It’s for the best, in the long run._

Ellie stood up with him.  Sticking to him like a shadow, she was.  “What, so we can’t touch each other at _all_ now?  That’s bullshit.  We should be… the opposite of that.” She tried to take his hand again but he moved away from her too quickly.

“Ellie, stop it!  Whatever idea you got in your head about us… you gotta get rid of it.  It don’ belong there.”

She folded her arms across her chest and glared at him.  “Why?”

“Because.  Nothin’ good can come of it.”  He resisted the urge to start pacing the floor.

“You don’t know that.  -Why did you say I’m too young for you?” 

There was fear behind the question; her lip quivered a little.  He couldn’t explain what he meant because she wouldn’t understand.  He could hear her already: _“I’m not like that, Joel.  You know me.  I would never do that to you.”_ And she’d believe it with all her heart.  Because she was fifteen.  In her mind, the way she felt now was the way she’d feel forever, simple as that.

No sense going down that road.  Best to drop it.  “Nothin’.  Jus’ that there’s too many goddamn years between us for it to work.”

She didn’t let it go, though.  He could practically see the wheels spinning in her head.  “You think I wouldn’t be, like… _good_ enough at it to... Joel, I would try… really hard…”

 _Christ._ “What?!  No.  That ain’t it _at all._ ”

She sank into the couch, not looking even remotely reassured.  It was like she hadn’t heard him.  She stared straight ahead at some vision in her mind.  “You want someone your age.  Someone who knows everything.  Like that sk-- Lucas’s mom.”

 _I should just let her believe that shit. …but I can’t.  Goddamnit._ “No.  That’s not what I want.”  Her innocence and lack of experience were actually part of her appeal.  Didn’t she understand that?  If only he could share the fantasies he’d had about showing her things… and reassure her that she would never have to ‘try really hard,’ not with him.  Of course, he couldn’t do that to her –- couldn’t dangle the proverbial carrot in front of her face only to yank it away, then ultimately have to convince her she didn’t really want it in the first place.

“So I should find some _boy_ to practice with and come back when I have more job experience?” she said, her tone somewhere between nasty and sad.

“Are you listenin’ to me?  I said that ain’t it.”  If this was some ploy to get him back on the couch, he wasn’t giving in.  “An’ I don’ want you to ‘practice’ with anyone.”

“You don’t want me to be with you, but you don’t want me to be with anyone else.  So what am I supposed to do?” she asked plaintively.  Her eyes were shiny again.

Joel sighed.  “I know I’m a little overprotective of you, and you’re right, it ain’t fair.  It’s somethin’ I gotta work on.  It’s a problem a lot of dads have with their daughters.  We know what boys are like an’ we don’ want ‘em messin’ with our little girls.”

“I’m not your daughter, though,” she said, not unkindly.  “Or a little girl.  And you know I can protect myself better than most of the guys in this town can.  It’s jealousy that makes you that way.”

Ploy or not, Joel wanted to sit next to her.  It felt weird to stand in front of her, anyway.  He sat on the couch, leaving a little space between them.  It was pretty goddamn difficult not to touch her.  He ignored the jealousy comment; no good would come out of discussing that.  “I know you can take care of yourself.  But shit happens.  You know that.  I’m always gonna worry about you.”

“Except when I’m with you,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Right.”

“Don’t you get it?  That’s why it would be perfect.”  The excitement was back in her voice now.

“No, I jus’ need to… let go.  A little.”

“Let go.  Like… ‘let’ me be with some other guy?”

“No.”  Joel still couldn’t stomach the thought of it.  But… he had to.  “Yes.  Maybe.  When you’re older.”

“Not when I’m older.  Right now.”

 _Wait… is she talking about me, or dating in general?_   Joel was reluctant to ask this, but…”Is there someone you’re interested in?  Someone I’m holdin’ you back from?”

The way she looked at him… he couldn’t ever remember seeing her look so sad.  “Yeah.  _You_.”

Joel sighed again.  “Ellie…”

“Stop ‘Ellie’-ing me.  I told you -- I’m in love with you.  How could you even think I might want someone else, after I told you that?  What kind of person do you think I am?”

 _The most beautiful person I know, from the inside out._ “A young one.  A young person who is all mixed up, thanks to the asshole she lives with.”

Ellie snorted.  “You’re right about that.  You’re mixing me up _now_ , because you’re not making any fucking sense.  And stop beating yourself up for what you like to think you did to me, cuz that’s crap.  You have this thing about blaming yourself for anything you can, it’s like… like you _want_ to be a bad guy.  But I already know you’re not bad.”

It felt like she was calling him on his bullshit, only… it _wasn’t_ bullshit.  She was just too innocent to know any better.  He _was_ a bad person, undeniably.  Not the worst out there, but bad enough.  He could see why she was blind to it, though.  Ellie brought out the best in him.  And if he rattled off every horrible thing he’d ever done in his entire life, she would still only see the man who valued her above all else, and judge him a good person based on that alone.  Bad or not, he did strive to do right by Ellie, and he wasn’t deceiving her about who he was.  She just refused to accept it.  He didn’t argue with her this time.  He just racked his brain for a way to fix this.

They sat quietly for a few moments, and he imagined Ellie was racking her brain, too, in a counterproductive fashion.  She inched closer to him, but stopped when he once again shifted away from her.  “Please, Joel.  Just give me a chance.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

Joel laughed mirthlessly.  “You wanna know the worst that could happen?  We lose… _this._   You an’ me.  It ain’t worth the risk.”

Ellie shook her head.  “No, that wouldn’t happen!  I swear!  We would still be you’n’me, we’d be a _better_ you’n’—“

Joel interrupted her.  “For how long?”

That startled her.  “What?  Well… forever.”

“Forever.  That’s what you think.  And if ‘forever’ turned out to be a few months, a few weeks, a few days… it’d be worth it to you, to throw ‘us’ away?”

“What are you _talking_ about?  Forever is forever.  A long time.  We wouldn’t be throwing anything away.”

 _Jesus fucking Christ, she’s naïve.  Adorable as hell, but naïve._ “Ellie.  Have you ever actually _been_ in a relationship?”

He expected her to say no, but she thought about it before answering.  “Well… kinda…”

Joel was curious about that, but now wasn’t the time to pry into her history.  “’Kinda’?  All right then.  What happened when it ended?  You felt shitty, right?  You couldn’ be around him no more?”

“No, actually.  But it doesn’t matter.  This is different!  You can’t honestly tell me that you’ve ever had what we have with someone else.”  She’d said it so confidently, then suddenly looked doubtful.  “Right?”

Again, he had a chance to be a dick, to tell her lies that would make her hate him.  _‘Yes, I have.  Ellie, you are simply one girl in a long string of women in my life.  Not all that special, so get over yourself.’_ “Every relationship is unique,” he said slowly, mindful that he needed to choose his words carefully.  “I’m tryin’ to tell you that _this_ … the friendship we have right now… it’s worth too much to fuck up.”

Ellie processed that.  He’d thought it was a nice sentiment, but it seemed to piss her off more.  “So… you’re so sure that it would get fucked up that you don’t even wanna try.  Anyone else, you’d give them a shot.  But me?  Nope.  Fucked up.”

“It’s not _you_ bein’ fucked up –- it’s just the most likely outcome.  To _any_ romantic relationship.”

“Says you!  How can you even—“  She looked ready to scream.  He was kind of surprised she hadn’t already.  She was remarkably calm -- on the Ellie scale, at least.  Instead, she took a deep breath and composed herself.  He wondered if she’d been practicing… trying to rehearse this conversation.  “You’re gonna want to get rid of me at some point.  Is that what you’re saying?”

“No.  I don’ want that at all.  Hell, I wanted to adopt you.  I still do.”

It was Ellie’s turn for mirthless laughter.  “ _That_ is fucked up, Joel.  We are _not_ like— like-- okay, whatever.  You don’t wanna get rid of me.  So you think I’m going to ditch _you_?”

 _Yes, as soon as you outgrow me._ It bothered him that she was so dismissive of what _he_ wanted for them.  “Again, shit happens.  Most relationships fail.”

“Not us,” Ellie insisted stubbornly.

“We’d be startin’ out with a couple strikes against us already.  Number one bein’ me.  I ain’t good at that shit.  Never was.”  He shushed her when she started to protest.  “Number two, don’tcha think people in this town would be… upset, to see an old man an’ a young girl… together, like that?”

“You’re not old,” she repeated.  “And fuck them.  Who cares what they think?  It’s what _we_ think that matters.”

“To a point.  But we’re not alone, we live in this world with other people.  Other people you care about.  An’ other people who could make things mighty unpleasant if they wanted to.  It would take a toll on you.” 

“It’d be worth it, though.  But… I bet I could make them understand, make them see it’s not what they’re thinking, that we’re… legit.  Or we could keep it a secret, if you wanted.”  Sudden inspiration struck and her face lit up.  “Or we could leave!  We did just fine on our own for months and months.  That’s what we should do!”

“Jus’ fine?  We nearly got killed a thousand times over.  We never knew where our next meal was comin’ from, we had to watch our backs all the time -- _all_ the time, sleepin’ with one eye open, constantly tired, hungry, thirsty, everythin’ achin’… do you really wanna go back to that life?”  Not that he regretted any of it; Ellie thought it had all been for nothing, but that wasn’t the case at all.  Joel actually missed those days sometimes, crazy as that was.  Still, he had no desire to go back to the Outside, not after sampling a decent life.  And constantly worrying about Ellie’s safety would probably drive him mad.

Ellie waved all that away.  “Pffff.  You’re just remembering the bad stuff.  It would be better this time.  We wouldn’t have to push ourselves so hard and move around so much… it would be more like a romantic adventure.”  She was getting a little too dreamy-eyed here.  How the fuck did they end up talking like being lovers was a done deal in the first place?  He needed to backtrack.

“No.  We ain’t leavin’ ‘cause we don’ need to, we’re not a couple an’ we never will be.  It wouldn’ work.  I don’ know how else to put it.  You’re too young, you don’ love me the way you think you do, an’ I ain’t willin’ to enter into somethin’ that will fail an’ end up drivin’ us apart.”

“You’re driving us apart _now_ coming up with bullshit reasons to turn me down,” Ellie scoffed.  “But, okay, for argument’s sake, let’s say we tried it and it blew up in our faces… then wouldn’t it be like you and Tess?”

 _What the hell does Tess have to do with anything?_   “Excuse me?”

“You guys were friends after.  You cared about each other, even though it didn’t work out, romantically.  Right?  Things were still good.”

Joel couldn’t fathom how she even knew that much about him and Tess, from what little interaction the three of them had last summer.  He’d never talked about her.  Didn’t especially want to talk about her now, either.  “That was different.  I never—“  _Never loved her the way I love you.  Never felt like losing her would be losing myself.  Never thought that without her in my life, I couldn’t even go on living._

“Never what?”

“I ain’t gonna talk about Tess,” he grumbled.  “That has nothin’ to do with our situation.”

“Okay.  Sorry.  So, all your past relationships, the romantic ones, failed.  Every single one.”

“Yes.”

“And you think if we were father and daughter, we wouldn’t _fail_.”

“Yes.  That’s the type of relationship we should have.  It’s more permanent, and it’s a hell of a lot easier.”

“How is it easier when I feel like-- when we both have these… these feelings.”  She assumed it was mutual.  Of course she did.  Because he hadn’t said otherwise, despite numerous opportunities to do so, and if it _were_ otherwise, they wouldn’t even be having this conversation. 

He didn’t want to encourage her by reinforcing the assumption.  _I should just lie and tell her I don’t think of her that way._ He couldn’t, though.  He wasn’t sure why.  It wasn’t just that he didn’t want to hurt her... he couldn’t put his finger on it, and since he had neither the time nor the inclination to figure it out, he told himself it was because she’d just see through the lie anyhow. “I think we can overcome that.”

“I don’t _want_ to overcome it!”  She looked at him earnestly.  Started to reach for his hand but caught herself when he flinched; he reckoned she was trying to behave in such a way that he wouldn’t leave the couch again.  “Joel, you don’t understand.  If you’re afraid of things getting fucked up, you don’t have to be.  Cuz I won’t _let_ them.  You’ve never been in a relationship like that with _me --_ I’ll make sure nothing bad happens that would split us up.  You can trust me.  You don’t have to worry about anything!”

Joel sighed.  She really believed it was that simple.  It was endearing, how sweet she was.  Ellie talked tough, and it wasn’t just talk -- she could walk the walk.  But underneath that, there was this lovely young woman with a huge heart, and such a capacity for compassion, the depths of which he was only just now beginning to glimpse, here in their new life.  No wonder he loved her so much.  Part of him wanted to believe in her fairytale, to share that indestructible hope with her, and be cocky with thoughts of ‘we’re different from everyone else,’ immune to adversity.  That would be the part of him governed by his heart… and again, his head knew better.  “That ain’t how it works, Ellie.  But you… you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way.  Some dreamy kid who don’ know that everythin’ eventually turns to shit, no matter how good it starts out.”

“Great, so we’re back to that again.  Who do you want me to be with, then?  Huh?” she challenged.

“I don’ know.  Not me.”  He was a good liar.  It was easier to be convincing when the lies were actually half-truths, or true from a certain point of view… when he let his head dictate the words.  Ellie seemed to know when he was flat-out lying, and he’d meant it when he told her he wouldn’t lie to her anymore.  He just couldn’t tell her the entire truth.  Couldn’t expect her to understand things like _“I DO want you with me, Ellie, more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, but no can do.”_   The best way to lie was to not tell lies, strange as it sounded.


	23. Born Too Late (part 2 of 2)

Shit, she was blinking back tears again.  He wanted to console her, but that would undo all the boundaries he’d been trying so hard to set here. 

“What I _deserve_ is not to be treated like a joke,” she said bitterly.

“I’m not—“

“You are.  You act like… _fuck,_ Joel.  Just look around.  Slim pickings here.  It’s not like in movies where you can just walk down the street and meet someone new every minute.  Like in _your_ time.  You had like, what, _millions_ of people in the world to choose from?  And you could drive cars and fly on planes to go anywhere in the world you wanted.  You think most relationships fail?  Maybe they did back then because people had all these options.  The world’s not like that anymore.  People have to stick together now.”

She’d clearly been thinking about this a lot.  Joel could see where she was coming from.  It didn’t make him any more willing to fuck up the good relationship they had, though.  “You an’ I _do_ stick together.  We’re family.  We can’t… _cheapen_ that.”  _No, that ain’t the right word for it…_

“How would we cheapen it by improving it?  That doesn’t make sense.”

He wasn’t explaining himself very well.  Maybe he was being _too_ careful, and not saying what needed to be said.  “It wouldn’ improve.  You’re… projectin’ some fantasy onto me.  I can’t give you what you want.”

“You’re the _only_ one who can give it to me!   Even if I had all those millions of people to pick from I wouldn’t want anyone else.  You’ll see.  A year from now I’ll still feel like this.  I’ll be sixteen then.  Is that old enough for you to believe me?”

Joel was so certain that in a year she’d be laughing at all this, he could have indulged this idea of hers.  But it pained him to think of her carrying around this hurt any longer than she had to.  _He_ could carry it around.  And he would, indefinitely.  That was fine.  He’d already lived his life.  Fallen in and out of love, done the marriage and family thing.  All he really cared about now was giving Ellie a good start to her life and being the stable father figure she needed, the one he wished like hell he’d been all along.  “No.  I’d jus’ think you’re stubbornly tryin’ to prove me wrong, an’ it would make me sad to see you wastin’ your time like that.  You said you wanna make me happy?  You gettin’ over this would do it.”  Another half-truth.  He meant it, and yet the words didn’t quite ring true to him.  _Yes, that’s what you want, you selfish prick.  You want her to forget this infatuation and move on._

“That’s not gonna happen,” she said with a sigh.  “Look, you don’t have to _give_ me anything.  I don’t want you to change, or be perfect, or whatever, if that’s what you’re afraid of?  Do you think you’ll disappoint me or something?  You won’t.  You couldn’t.”

Joel ignored the question.  “Forget me.  What makes you so sure _you_ would be happy?”

Ellie looked a bit taken aback.  “What do you mean?  Of course I’d be happy.  I’d be with you.”

So simple.  So sweet.  “You don’ think I’d piss you off?  Drive you crazy?  Look how much we’re fightin’ already.  It would only get worse.  I’d make you miserable, an’ you’d wish we stayed how we were.”

“You already piss me off and drive me crazy and I still want to be with you.  And you can be so sweet when you want to be.  You’d be great,” she added with a little smile.  Such a pretty smile, and the way she was looking at him…

 _No.  You can’t be with her like that, and quit fucking thinking about kissing her, for chrissakes._ This wasn’t where the conversation needed to go, and he couldn’t afford to think about how ‘sweet’ he would be to her.  Hearing her say it made him feel stupidly giddy, too.  Like a goddamn teenager.  He was starting to get really angry with himself.  “No, I wouldn’t,” he snapped.  “You don’ even know how I’d be.  You imagine it in your head an’ it’s different from how it really is.”

“That’s not what I’m doing!  I _know_ you.  I know… how you are with me.  I _do_ know what it would be like.”

Joel sighed.  She was so… _fifteen._ It was all about the ‘honeymoon phase’ and not the nitty-gritty shit.  “You don’t.  It’s a fantasy.  You’re in love with the _idea_ of bein’ in love.”

She looked stunned.  For a moment Joel wondered if it had hit her all of a sudden that he was right.  But then she said, “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It ain’t stupid.  You’re young… inexperienced…”

“And you think that means I’m a nutjob?”

He actually chuckled at that.  “No.  It’s normal, actually.”

“So… wait, you’ve decided I’m normal now?  Which somehow means I’m too fucked up to _love_ like a normal person?!  I don’t get it.  Am I normal, or messed up?”

Joel sighed yet again.  “I’m crap at explainin’ it, all right?  I jus’ know you’re directin’ things at me that ain’t about me.  I’m jus’ the closest target.  You should be with someone younger.”

Ellie sighed, too.  “It _is_ about you.  Someone younger wouldn’t be _you._ You’re so hung up on the age thing.  Since we’ve been here there’s been, what, four new people?  All of them too old for me, according to you.  And no one I’d want anyway.  You want me to fake it?  Pretend I like someone just to—“

He cut her off.  “No, of course not.  Maybe someone already here.  Someone that… when you spend more time with him, things start to change.”

“Like who?  Someone my age-- or younger, right?  Man, that gives me _so_ many options.  Thanks.”

The sarcasm didn’t deter Joel.  “You know Clicker has a big ol’ crush on you, don’tcha?”

“He’s _twelve!_ ” she gasped.  The look of horror on her face would have crushed the poor little guy.

Joel didn’t exactly _like_ the idea of Ellie with the kid, but Clicker was a sweet boy and he truly cared about Ellie.  He’d make a good first boyfriend.  “You said age don’ matter to you.  If you’re so open-minded… three years is still a hell of a lot closer than me an’ you.”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “He’s a _child._ ”

“So are you.”  The eyeroll only supported that notion, but he kept that thought to himself.

“I’m not!  I’ve been trying to show you I’m not –- that I’m… _ready_...”

They were just talking in circles.  “Never mind, then.  Not Clicker, but _some_ one will catch your eye, someday, it don’ have to be any time soon, no rush… an’ then—“

“You’d kill him.”

 _I’d like to._ “Well, I need to… _not_ do that. I know.”

“You need to not throw me away like trash,” she said poutily.

“I’m not.  I never will.  I know it feels that way, I’m not tellin’ you what you wanna hear…”

“You _don’t_ know how it feels.  God, you won’t even let me touch you.  Am I that disgusting to you all of a sudden?”

Joel wasn’t going to fall into _that_ trap.  “Of course not.  I am tryin’ to be… appropriate.”

“Appropriate,” she sneered.  “Great.  So, new rules?  No touching allowed except when we’re going to sleep?”

 _Here we go._ Joel knew the sleeping arrangements needed to be addressed, and he dreaded her reaction.  He had to steel himself to it or he wouldn’t be able to do what he had to do.  He tried to think of the most sensitive way to tell her, but he didn’t need to; he could tell from the look on her face that his hesitation had done it for him.

“Joel, no.  You _can’t_.  You can’t do that to me.”  She was still calmer than he’d expected.  Maybe she figured she’d skip the yelling and go right for the heartstrings…

“I’m sorry.  I never shoulda crossed that line in the first place.  I don’ wanna hurt you, believe me.”  Sleeping apart from her was going to be hard on him, too, but now that he knew she had these misguided feelings for him… that she _wanted_ him to do some of the things he fantasized about… he didn’t trust himself with her in that bed, not at all.

Ellie wasn’t having it.  “Uh-uh.  No.  You’ve said shit like this before and then you realize it’s a mistake and you still sleep with me.”

“Not this time.”  He _had_ always given in before, but this was different.  He had to make sure she knew he meant it.  “The mistake was keepin’ it up.  It messed you up an’ I shoulda known better.”

“You didn’t mess me up!” she wailed.  “Why is it so impossible for you to believe that my feelings are real?”

“ _You_ think they’re real.  That’s part of bein’ messed up.”

“What do I have to do to convince you they _are_ real?  Can I, like… _prove_ that I’m not fucked up?  Do you want me to tell you all the stuff I love about you?  So you know it’s not just that ~idea~ bullshit?”

“NO,” he said quickly.  He wasn’t _that_ much of a prick, to let her gush about all his alleged wonderful qualities and then shoot her down anyway -- plus it would be awkward as all hell.  “There’s nothin’ you can say.”

“Is there something I can _do_?  I’ll do anything.  Anything you need me to do,” she pleaded quietly, her eyes huge… the need so palpable. 

He had to look away.  He _always_ caved when she looked at him like that.  It was so much easier to give in, and see her worried expression melt into something joyful… to feel good about making her happy.  But that was irresponsible, and cowardly, and it had ended up hurting her so much more than if he’d just been strong in the first place. 

She put her hand on his knee, and he didn’t flinch or pull away this time.  He covered her hand with his.  For some reason it seemed more appropriate now… an act of kindness, not leading her on.  _Or maybe I’m just weak…_ “Ain’t nothin’ you can do,” he said quietly.  “I’m sorry.  I know you’re sincere.  It jus’ don’ change the facts.”

“What _you’ve_ decided are facts,” she said sadly.  “Okay.  So, what if… we just sleep together anyway, cuz we’ve done it this long and there’s no reason to stop—“

“There’s _every_ reason to stop!”  He looked at her again.  “You need to get this garbage out of your head –- how can you do that if we’re jus’ as close as before an’ you keep waitin’… hopin’ things’ll eventually go how you wan’ ‘em to?”

At least she didn’t pretend that that’s not exactly what would happen.  “Well, that’s _my_ problem.  I can handle it.”

Joel groaned.  “You _can’t_ handle it.  It would eat you up inside.  I can’t let you go on believin’ you’re in love with me.”

“I _am_ in love with you!”

“You’re not.  And the sooner you accept that, the sooner we can fix things.”

“You want me to accept a lie!  God, why won’t you just _believe_ me?  How can we _fix_ things when you won’t even…” She let that thought trail off, and switched gears.  “What if I promise that I won’t try to change your mind?  And that I won’t even touch you, that we can just sleep—“

“Ellie, I said _no_.  It won’ work.”  He could already imagine how that would play out.  This is where he would normally acquiesce, where he’d pretend that he believed what she said, as if that made it okay to take advantage of her.  Like it was perfectly justifiable as long as it was her idea.  He felt stronger now, reassured by the knowledge that he was doing right by Ellie.  He _was_ better than a lot of scum out there who would have manipulated the fuck out of her long before now.

“How do you know?  I’ll be good, can’t we just try—“

“No.  No bargaining.  You need to learn to sleep on your own.  That’ll help you realize that you’re not really in love with me, that you don’ need me.”  He nearly choked up, saying the last bit.  It was true; she didn’t really need him the way she thought she did, and she was about to figure that out.  Maybe she’d conclude she didn’t need him in other ways, too.  _Stay strong, Joel.  For her sake.  Be a stand-up guy for a change._

“What if I have a nightmare?  Or a panic attack?  What if I see him—“

“You don’ have that many nightmares, you’ll learn to roll over an’ go back to sleep,” he said, gently but firmly, giving her hand a little squeeze.  “And the panic attacks -- I ain’t even been with you the past two times you’ve had ‘em -- both in the daytime -- an’ you handled it jus’ fine.  You’re stronger than you think.  You can do this.”

She still hadn’t really cried, but her face looked like it could crumple any second.  He couldn’t let it get to him.  He returned her hand to her lap and edged away from her.  She swiped at a tear angrily.  “Why are you being such an asshole?”

That surprised him a little; he didn’t think he’d said anything unkindly.  “I ain’t tryin’ to be.”

She was quiet for a minute.  Trying to compose herself, maybe.  “I know you’re not,” she said finally.  “But you’re stubborn as fuck.  There has to be some way to make you see you’re wrong.”

“I ain’t wrong.  Ellie, you’re fifteen years old.  Full of hormones.  This is all new to you.  I been around the block enough times, I know what I’m talkin’ about.  I never shoulda got in that bed with you in the first place an’ I’ll never do it again.  You don’ have to be embarrassed or nothin’.  In time you’ll see I’m right an’… maybe then you’ll see me more like a father again.  You’ll fall for some kid an’ I’ll try not to kill him… well, after I make sure he’s good enough for ya.  If he’s not, I’ll have to kill him.”  He waited for Ellie to smile at the threat, or roll her eyes… or say something Ellie-like.

“Oh my God.  I can’t—“ She turned away from him.  Elbows on her knees, head in her hands, she started rocking herself slightly, a small back-and-forth motion.  He’d never seen her do that before.  “It doesn’t matter what I say.  You’re gonna think I’m just some stupid kid with a stupid crush because that’s what you want to believe, fuck if I know why.  Cuz you want some excuse to get rid of me.”

He knew she needed extra reassurance that he wouldn’t leave her; he had endless patience on that front.  “I don’ wanna get rid of you -- I wanna keep you around.  That’s why it has to be this way.  We can’t cross that line, there’s no goin’ back.  It sucks right now, but one day you’ll thank me for it.”

Silence.  Joel tried to remember if he’d ever gone on to feel any shade of gratitude towards anyone in his life who’d said that to him.  It was one of those things that sounded good coming out but didn’t help make the other person feel any less shitty. 

He tried to think of what he could say that would make her feel better.  “Hey.  We can still do plenty of things together.  We’ll still live here together.  Eat together.  Go to the library.  We’ll still go check out the gym when they get it up an’ runnin’.  We can walk around the lake.  Watch movies.  Listen to music.  Hang out.  Talk.  Laugh.  None of that has to change.”  That was quite the laundry list of shit they could do together.  It made _him_ feel like everything would be just fine, once she got all this nonsense out of her head.

She glanced at him sideways through her curtain of hair.  He resisted the urge to reach over and tuck some of it behind her ear.  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

 _So it might take a little while, that’s all._   “Maybe it won’ be like that right away, if you’re too pissed at me… but in time I hope you’ll forgive me.”  _Again._ He was counting on that.  He already knew a life without Ellie was no life at all. 

Back to the rocking.  He was still itching to touch her, to rub her back or squeeze her shoulder or pull her close.  To comfort her.  _No.  That’s how you fucked her up in the first place.  You’ve gotta un-fuck her up now._

She was too quiet.  It made Joel uneasy.  “Talk to me, baby girl.”

“Don’t call me that,” she growled.

 _Huh?_   “I thought you liked it.”

“I don’t anymore.”

He hoped that was a temporary casualty of her anger.  _You’re still my baby girl._   “Oh.  Sorry.  I won’t call you that.”  Just like that awful day she’d run away, he found himself wishing she’d scream and yell and hit him or something.  Anything but this cold silence.  “Talk to me anyhow.”

She made a little ‘psshh’ noise.  Joel waited, but no words followed.  She sniffled a couple times.  He didn’t know what to do for her.  His instincts were obviously all wrong so he had to be more cerebral about it.  “Do you want me to leave you alone?” he asked gently.

She stopped rocking.  “Go if you want.”

“No, that’s not… I’ll sit here with you all night if you want.  Jus’ thought I was gettin’ on your nerves.”

“You’ll sit here.  But you won’t… hug me, or anything.  Ever?”

Joel couldn’t imagine that.  Maybe he _should_ imagine it; he’d gotten by just fine for many years with very little physical human contact.  He was pretty sure she had as well.  He wanted more for her than ‘getting by,’ he didn’t want her to lack for anything… but she needed to close the door on this crush, and she couldn’t do that with his arms around her.  Couldn’t do it while waiting for some mythical day in the future when he might decide it was okay to be affectionate again.  “I dunno.  Not like before.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes, Joel trying to think of comforting words that wouldn’t sound like bullshit, Ellie thinking God knows what.  She seemed to come to a decision, and she sat up straight.  Held her head high.  “I’ll go,” she announced flatly as she stood up.  Her face looked… stonier.  Harder.

Joel stood up, too.  “You don’ have to go.”

“Yeah, I do.  Not in this thing, though.”  She glanced at her dress with disgust and headed to the bedroom.

“If you wanna be alone—“

“I don’t.”

He could hear that she was changing her clothes, although she’d left the bedroom door open.  “All right.  I’ll go with you.  Anywhere you wanna go.”

He waited for her to dress.  He was glad she didn’t want to be alone.  He’d told her before that he’d let her go off by herself if she needed to… she’d never tested him, so he still didn’t know if he could actually do it.  Not when she was upset.

She came out of the bedroom wearing her standard beat-up blue jeans and a faded long-sleeved T-shirt, her hair in the usual ponytail.  She breezed past him with some garment in her arms -- it looked like her nightgown -- and kneeled on the floor to stuff it in her backpack.  “I don’t want you to come with me, that’s the whole point of leaving.  I can’t be around you right now.”

That stung, but what did he expect?  “Then I’ll leave, you stay here.”

She fiddled with whatever else was in the bag.  “No.  _I_ get to decide this one.  I’m leaving.”

“All right.  Can you at least tell me where you’re goin’?”  If that was her nightgown… did she really want to spend the night away from him entirely?  He’d thought she would at least take comfort in him sleeping nearby.  “Are you goin’ to the farm?”

She slung her backpack over her shoulders and walked by without even a glance at him.  “No.  Tommy’s.”

 _Shit, why does she wanna go there?_ Then he remembered something.  “Maria ain’t there, remember?”

“I know.  Tommy is, though, ‘til Wednesday.  And the Monday kids are prob’ly there.”

Tommy.  Fucking great.  He wondered if she wanted to see Tommy just because she knew it would get under his skin that she’d rather be with his brother.  He followed her to the door.  “You plan on stayin’ overnight?”  _At least she’s not taking that other shirt she likes to sleep in…_

“Yeah.  There’s room for me there.”  She opened the door.  It had stopped raining, but there was a chill in the air.

“There’s room for you _here._ ”

She sighed.  “I can’t, Joel.  I can’t sleep here.”

“Yes you can.”

She was still in the doorway, her back to him.  “I can’t sleep in that bed without you.”

“Sleep on the couch, then.  I’ll sleep in the bedroom.”

“Isn’t that against your macho code or something?”

“Not if I sleep on the floor.”  He didn’t want to sleep in the bed without her anyway.

She didn’t answer; he hoped that meant she was considering the option.  “You promised you’d sleep with me as long as I wanted you to.  Remember?”  She finally turned and looked at him then, the question hanging there… giving him one more chance to change his mind about the bed.

“I’m sorry,” he said helplessly.  “I truly am.”  _I am a piece of shit and you’d be better off without me.  That’s what I have to remind myself while you’re gone._

“Anyways, it’s your house, you should sleep in the bed.”

“It’s your house, too.”  It pained him that she thought of the house as his alone.  Usually she referred to it as ‘home’ or ‘the house’ (although that sometimes could mean Tommy and Maria’s), but he’d overheard her say ‘Joel’s house’ on occasion when talking to others, and he’d always reiterated that it was just as much hers as it was his.  He wondered if she said it now just to spite him.  “Please, Ellie.  I—“ _…need you here with me._ “I want you to live here still.  I can make myself scarce if it helps.”

She’d made it out to the porch, and now he stood in the doorway.  She turned around to look at him again, her expression softer.  “I’ll come back.  Just not tonight.  Okay?”

 _How can I let her leave?_ He had to, though.  She wasn’t his prisoner, and the sooner she weaned herself off him, the sooner she’d heal.  But… it wasn’t easy.  “So, jus’ this one night?”

“Maybe.  I dunno.” 

“What’re you gonna tell Tommy?”

She snorted.  “Nothing.  Don’t worry.  You think I want him to know?  _Anyone_ to know?”

“He’s gonna wonder.  You’ve never spent the night over there before.”

“He won’t make me talk if I don’t feel like it.  You can tell him whatever you want.  Have a good laugh over it.”

“No one’s laughin’.”  She didn’t really think he’d do that, did she?  And Tommy adored Ellie now.  He’d be kind to her tonight.  The thought of his brother comforting her enraged Joel for some reason.  Naturally, he expected to feel jealous, but the only person he should be _angry_ with was himself.

Ellie scuffled down the porch steps. 

“Ellie, wait.  Take a gun.”

She kept walking.  “I don’t need it to go to Tommy’s.”

“Yes, you do.  It’s gettin’ dark an’ it ain’t like that’s right around the corner.”  The days were long now; the sun didn’t finish setting until after nine o’clock.  But Joel didn’t even like the idea of Ellie walking around on her own in the daytime.

“I don’t care.”

 _Goddamnit._ That _had_ to be spite.  “You don’t care?  Well, _I_ care.  Let me walk you there, at least.”

She stopped.  Heaved a long-suffering sigh.  “Fine, gimme the 9-millimeter then.”

Joel brought it to her.  Their hands didn’t touch when he handed it over.  She didn’t look at him.  Just silently tucked it into her jeans and started to leave again.

“Ellie…”

She kept walking, albeit slowly.  “Yeah?”  Said like an audible eyeroll.

Joel knew he was annoying her, but he couldn’t seem to help it.  He moved closer to her. “I’m sorry.”

“You said that already.”

“Can you jus’… c’mere.”

She paused.  She was only a few feet away from him; he just needed her to turn around.

“Please.”

She turned.  Her head was bowed, like a dog expecting a scolding.

 _One more time won’t make a difference._ He pulled her close to him.  Wrapped his arms around her and held her against his chest.  “I’ll be here if you change your mind an’ wanna come home, all right?”  He kissed the top of her head.  It still felt good, felt _right_ , having her in his arms, this precious little person… his Ellie.  Maybe after a while he could hug her, when she could believe it was a fatherly gesture and nothing more.  He wondered if he could ever convince himself that’s all it was.  He’d stopped trying long ago.  All that mattered was getting her to stop wanting it to be more.

She didn’t resist, but she felt stiff.  Her arms hung at her sides.  She said nothing.  Joel had to admire her strength and maturity.  She could have whined, pleaded, screamed, yelled, begged through hysterical sobs, thrown herself at his feet, jumped him… anything to try to manipulate him into doing what she wanted.  He’d known grown women who would have made a bigger fuss.  Sure, she was more upset than she was willing to show him… he understood that.  She had to protect herself… protect herself from _him_.  Maybe her heart was already hardening towards him.  That was a painful thought.  It had to happen, though, and he deserved to feel like shit anyhow.

He rubbed her head gently, wishing he could extract all the fucked-up-ness he’d planted in her… take away the pain his selfishness had inflicted.  God, he did _not_ want to let her leave his arms.  He thought she’d be the one to pull away, but she kept standing there, her face buried in his shirt.  He was probably confusing the hell out of the poor girl.  _Well, that ends now._

 _This ain’t the last time.  You’ll hold her again someday,_ he told himself, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to let her go.  “All right then.  I’ll see you later.”  It wasn’t a goodbye.  That would have sounded too final.  Besides, she might come back tonight.  Joel pulled back slowly and tried to give her a reassuring smile.  Her face was a blank slate.  He was hoping for a sign from her that it would be all right… a little smile, some sort of look that would say _“It’s okay, I’ll be back soon and everything will be good again, don’t worry.”_   But she just turned away with downcast eyes.

He watched her go.  Had himself a crazy fantasy of running after her… grabbing her, kissing away everything he’d said.  And then he _did_ go after her… but very stealthily, a great distance behind her.  Her ‘I don’t care’ had been flippant enough to worry him a little –- and he wanted to see that she hadn’t lied about where she was going -- so he made sure she got to Tommy’s safely before ambling back home.  He was in no hurry to face a night without Ellie.  He almost would have preferred it if she’d gone off by herself, to the lake or to the ghost town… where he could follow her… _No, it’s fine that she’s with Tommy.  She’s safe there._

The house already felt so empty.  Lifeless.  Joel didn’t know what the hell he was going to do all night.  He couldn’t leave –- not when Ellie might decide to come back, and he’d told her he would be there.  He could do the dishes; that would take all of five minutes.  Maybe he could read whatever library book Ellie had left in his backpack.  It was going to be a long night.  He already knew it would be a sleepless one.

He looked in the bedroom that should have been hers and hers alone.  At the bed, now rendered unusable.  Her alarm clock was missing from the makeshift nightstand.  The dress lay crumpled on the floor.

She really had looked pretty tonight.  Not that she wasn’t pretty all the time… but tonight she’d looked especially so.  Like Cinderella emerging from her rags.  Had he even told her how nice she looked?  Probably not.  He’d have to be careful about saying shit like that now, though; he didn’t want her to think he might change his mind (and the douchebag part of him that _did_ want her to pine after him needed to shut the fuck up immediately).  Joel picked up the dress and smoothed it out on the bed.  _Maybe I can close the bedroom door behind me, go sit on the couch, and pretend she’s in here.  …yeah, sure, ‘cause that’s not fucked up or anything.  Jesus, Joel, don’t be such a fucking pussy._

He tried (well, half-ass tried), but he couldn’t concentrate on anything.  Couldn’t distract himself with stupid shit.  All he wanted to do was sit and think about Ellie, and listen for the front door to open.  He flopped down on the couch.  Unbidden, he heard Tommy’s voice in his head, speaking to Ellie.  _“What did my asshole brother do, sweetheart?  I’ll go kick his ass.”_ Now, _that_ thought didn’t piss him off.  It might actually make him feel better to have his brother take a few swings at him.  Tommy would be shocked shitless if Joel didn’t fight back… actually, Joel would be, too.  More likely than not, they’d still get into it like a couple of kids in the schoolyard.

He thought about going to Tommy’s.  What could he say to Ellie that he hadn’t already said?  Seeing him might get her hopes up.  Maybe she’d think he was coming over to tell her he was wrong… that he loved her and nothing else mattered…

 _Leave her alone.  She needs time away from you,_ he scolded himself.  He used to want to be alone all the time.  Before Ellie came along. 

A pang of loneliness struck his heart.  The walls Ellie had busted through, the ones that had protected him well for so many years, lay in rubble now, but he could repair them right quick… if he needed to.  _Remember what’s truly important: you’re lucky she’s even alive.  This will blow over, you just have to ride it out._

Joel retrieved the dress off the bed and draped it over his chest like a miniature blanket, then arranged the couch blanket over himself to hide it.  He wasn’t sure why he bothered to cover it; his gut told him Ellie was gone for the night.  _My gut can be wrong, though, can’t it?_  

He stretched out on the couch and waited.


	24. Endure and Survive

The sun didn’t show its face again until mid-afternoon the next day.  Ellie was picking blackberries.  As one of her least-favorite chores, and one that certainly didn’t need doing on the so-called holiday, it was a testament to how little she wanted to go to that fucking party now.

She had expected it to be hard to see Annie in the morning, to see the hope on her face give way to shock and disappointment… but it actually hadn’t been so bad.  Maybe because she’d already endured the worst?  They had chores to do, and Ellie didn’t want to broadcast her business to any of the other workers in earshot, so they didn’t talk privately until late morning.  They had quite a bit of help scheduled for today, the idea being that the quicker the essential tasks got done, the more time the farm residents would have to enjoy the party, which started at eleven and would end… whenever it ended.  Late, probably.  Pretty much everyone else had the day off (excepting the guards, of course).  Even the library was closed.  Ellie wasn’t scheduled for farm work this afternoon, but she planned to hang out at the farm the entire day.  She could take over for someone else who would be all too happy to go to the party.

Even with the complete privacy of Annie’s bedroom, Ellie had to omit a lot of details –- she had to keep Annie in the dark about the mystery man’s identity.  Good thing she hadn’t told Annie who it was –- how much more humiliating would that have been?!  Ellie made it sound like Joel had allowed the dinner to happen, but then he and Ellie had gotten into a huge fight afterwards.  That would explain Ellie’s reluctance to see him, as well as any awkwardness that might be observable between them.  Ellie had thought she wanted Annie’s opinion, perhaps some advice… until she’d started relaying her tale of woe and realized that without the full explanation, Annie just wasn’t going to get it.  The thing was, she wouldn’t get it even _with_ all the gory details.  Hell, Ellie didn’t understand it herself.  Annie had come to the conclusion that Ellie needed to move on.  Ellie admitted that she didn’t see how she could be friends with ‘Leo’ after all this… she didn’t admit that she _had_ to be, because she couldn’t live without him.  That’s the part Annie would never understand.  That no one understood, except maybe Joel, but little good that did her.  No, she was alone in this venture now.

Picking blackberries wasn’t quite as mindless as it would seem.  It was slow and tedious, and you had to look carefully or you could miss whole vines of ripe berries.  At least she had gloves to protect her from the shitload of thorns.  She plucked the berries gingerly, careful not to smush any, and collected them in a tin can hanging around her neck, which she periodically emptied into plastic bins she’d lugged over with a little wagon (the kind little kids rode around in).  For the most part, she was able to do it without having to _think._   She was pretty fucking tired of thinking; she’d done enough of that last night. 

Tommy hadn’t really been surprised to see her… until he realized Joel wasn’t in tow.  The six kids at the house had immediately roped her into playing one of their favorite imaginative games, loosely based on a cartoon (Ellie much preferred to play the game than watch the dumb cartoon with them), which combined hide-and-seek with some acting, everyone taking turns playing the villain.  It was so easy to make the kids laugh.  She would have gladly played with them all night to escape reality, if they hadn’t all eventually been dragged off by their parents.  Tommy couldn’t believe that Joel hadn’t shown up to drag her off as well.  The thought had crossed Ellie’s mind, too, and it was just another dose of pain when he didn’t come.  She had shyly asked Tommy if it was okay that she crashed there, knowing he’d say yes, but that he’d want to know why.  She couldn’t deny that it had something to do with Joel.  She hadn’t even lied when she said she didn’t want to cause any conflict between the brothers and thus, preferred to keep her mouth shut.  She assured Tommy that Joel knew where she was, and there was no need to go talk to him.

So Tommy had settled her in a guest room, and told her to let him know if she needed anything.  She’d resisted the urge to reply, _“Just Joel.”_   She’d tossed and turned.  Sat by the window for a while and gazed up at the moon.  Stared at the fluorescent digits of her alarm clock, watching the limbs of the figures change shape without registering their numeric meaning.  She hadn’t exactly been _scared_ to close her eyes… she just didn’t want to.  Didn’t want to forget for one second that she was in a place that Joel was not, where Joel had never been, where it would have been unnatural to find him.  It was easier that way.  Not ‘seeing’ David was a bonus, too… and not having nightmares.  The closest she came to sleep was when she completely emptied her mind and achieved a sort of trance-like state, like she had on that day she ran away… Joel wasn’t looking for her this time.  She couldn’t be mad at the man for respecting her request to leave her alone… or so she told herself.  She also couldn’t help wishing he’d bend just a little, give her just that one thing -- the bed.  She could get through the rest of it, if only she had that to look forward to every night.  Then she could at least _pretend_ he was hers.

Ellie’s emotions were bouncing all over the place.  Sometimes she still felt hopeful, almost like last night hadn’t even happened.  Joel hadn’t exactly told her to fuck off, after all.  She  _knew_  he was attracted to her, damnit.  He hadn’t denied it.  Maybe there was something else she could do to prove herself to him.  She was kind of kicking herself for not trying hard enough to find a way to kiss him… but also kind of glad she hadn’t made that much more of a fool of herself by trying and failing.  Maybe all she had to do was wait a while for him to change his mind?  

At other times, it felt like cold hard reality was smacking her in the face and calling bullshit on those types of thoughts.  Joel clearly didn’t feel the same way about her that she did about him, because if he did, the thought of them being nothing more than friends -- never kissing, never even _touching_ , now -- would be totally unbearable.  The huge step backwards that they’d taken is what hurt the most.  Joel thought she was mad at him, which, of course, she was, but he seemed to think she’d stop being mad pretty soon and then they could be ~friends~ again.  What he didn’t seem to get was that it would be excruciatingly painful to see him now… to see him and not be close to him the way she longed to be.  Being angry about it was preferable to feeling sad, but she didn’t get to choose -- she vacillated between the two, seemingly randomly.

The night took forever to end, and when it did, Ellie felt no worse for the wear.  What did it matter if she slept?  Fuck sleep.  Sleep was for babies.  She didn’t need it.  She didn’t need anything.  Today she’d managed to stay mostly in ‘outside mode,’ even when talking to Annie.  Crying in front of her friend wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world, it just wasn’t something Ellie desired.  Now, everyone else was at the lake, not expected back until chore time.  Annie had tried to persuade Ellie for a good ten minutes to go eat lunch over there, at least, to just check things out, it might make her feel better, blah blah blah.  Ellie assured her she’d go later, that she just needed time alone first.

Only she wasn’t completely alone –- she had Spirit!  The horse was still only half broke, if that.  Not ideal for farm work, and not anyone’s first choice to take out scavenging or hunting.  Ellie had a use for him that day, though:  she needed to go back and forth between the blackberry bushes (on the north side of Farm 1) and the sheep paddock on Farm 3 throughout the afternoon to check on Mimi, who was expected to lamb soon.  Today, according to Annie’s examination of the ewe’s rear.  Ellie was supposed to go fetch Annie and Esther if she observed any of the tell-tale behaviors they’d warned her about that would indicate labor was imminent.  This made her feel useful.  More so than picking the fucking berries, anyway.  Annie had said it would still be a while before Mimi would actually require assistance, so Ellie didn’t have to sweat it _too_ much, but Ellie took the duty very seriously and made quite a few trips (besides, she’d rather ride Spirit than pick berries).  Thanks to her, Annie and her family got to spend more time having some much-deserved fun at the party, all of them together.  Because, unlike Joel, they trusted her.

 _Fuck Joel._   If he asked about her, Annie had agreed, albeit reluctantly, to tell him that Ellie didn’t want to see him.  Which was only half true, although she’d said it angrily enough to be convincing.  Still, if he really wanted to see her, a warning wouldn’t stop him.  He could come find her… tell her he was miserable without her, that he’d come to his senses and wanted to be with her… it was just shock, last night, that’s all, and now he’d had time to think…

This kept not happening.  She would look in that direction, expecting to see him trotting towards her, and see nothing but the fields.  It pissed her off.

By the time Annie and company returned, Ellie had managed to convince herself she truly didn’t want to see Joel anyway.  Even so, she was dying to know if Joel had talked to Annie.  She wouldn’t allow herself to ask.  She figured Annie would mention it during the next round of trying to persuade Ellie to go to the party.

It didn’t happen during evening chores.  Annie and a couple other people prattled on about the party while milking the cows, and Ellie listened, but didn’t even pretend to care about what they ate, or their introduction to some game called ‘volleyball’ that Ellie had heard of but never played... the music, the dancing, the swimming… all that stuff would have been fun had it happened yesterday.  If only she hadn’t been such an idiot.  If only Joel hadn’t been such a jerk.

The girls got a chance to talk alone out by the lean-to in the sheep paddock.  Mimi hadn’t been interested in her dinner, which apparently also meant she was about to give birth.  She was now pawing at the ground, sniffing around in circles… Ellie felt agitated just watching her.  “How long will it be now?”

Annie shrugged.  “Could be an hour, could be several hours… she was fairly quick last time but that was only one lamb.”

“I’ll keep you company,” Ellie offered, knowing full well that Annie didn’t want her to.  This made her  realize she actually _wanted_ to go now, if only to lay eyes on Joel.

“No way!  You _have_ to go to the party, Ellie.  Who knows when the next one will be?”

“I do,” Ellie replied cheekily.  “When someone gets married.”

Annie rolled her eyes.  “Okay, fine.  You should still go.  There’s so many people there, you could easily avoid what’s-his-name.  Hang out with Jacob and Christine and Nicole… Troy and Dee…”

Ellie waited for her to mention Joel.

“Mom will come out, I won’t be alone,” Annie added.

“I suppose I could just go get Jacob… _he_ should be waiting with you.  Think how romantic it would be to sit here making out while Mimi’s about to pop!”

“ _Ewwww_!  Not to be punny or anything.” 

Annie knew about Ellie’s fondness for puns.  It made Ellie smile.  “Ha!  Good one.”  _I am more than Joel’s unwanted trash.  I am this whole other person, separate from him._ What a strange thought to pop into her head just then.  It almost felt nice.

 _“_ No, it’ll be fine,” said Annie.  “He’s not into the whole sheep midwife thing.”

“Who _is_?!”  It sounded pretty scary to Ellie.  Annie had told her about all the possible complications.  Ellie would have helped out if needed, of course… but sticking her hand up an animal’s vagina was not on the list of things she wanted to do in life.

“You should go, Ellie,” Annie urged.  “Seriously.  You’ll have fun.  It’ll take your mind off things.  Forget about that idiot who doesn’t appreciate you.  Oh and I told Joel you’d probably be going later.”

 _Finally! Joel!_ “You did?”  Ellie hoped she sounded nonchalant.  _How did he seem to you?  Did he look sad?  Was he looking around like he was waiting for me to show up?  Did he ask about me?  Did he tell you anything?_

“Yeah.  We square danced a little.  He’s pretty good!  Better than most of the sad sacks out there -- and a lot of those people were even in our class!  It was pretty funny, though.”

“He _danced_ with you?”  Ellie was sure that didn’t sound nonchalant at all.  She didn’t care; she was livid.  _How dare he dance without me?  That was OUR thing!_

“Well, me and Jacob.  He was in our square.  Mom dragged him out there.”  She seemed to pick up on the fact that there was more than just incredulity in the question.  “What’s wrong with that?  Is it really that surprising?”

 _Joel and Esther?!_ So he _did_ want someone his own age.  What a fucking liar he was!  Oh God, how she hated him right now.  _How can he do this to me?  Motherfucker!_

“Ellie?  What is it?” asked Annie, perplexed.

She still needed to attempt to act normal.  “Nothing.  Sorry, I was just thinking about something else for a sec.  So… Joel danced?  I knew he was only pretending to hate those lessons.”  She forced some lightness into her voice.  If she sounded weird, she hoped Annie would chalk it up to being brokenhearted.

“Only the square dancing, I think?  I don’t know, I wasn’t by the dance area the whole time.  He did ask me about you, though.”

Ellie tried not to sound too eager.  “Yeah?  What did you tell him?”

“Nothing, don’t worry.  I said you were fine and you’d probably be coming later.  He said maybe he’d come by here and talk to you… so I told him you didn’t want him to.  I felt bad for him.  I think maybe he wants to apologize for whatever you guys fought about last night?”

“Why do you think that?”  He’d done enough apologizing.  It didn’t mean shit.

“Um… something about the way he sounded?  He sort of… _looked_ like he was sorry about something.  He didn’t seem mad at all.  You should talk to him.  I bet you’ll feel a whole lot better once things are right with you and Joel again.”

He was so sorry that he went off and had a blast dancing with Esther.  Yep.  Ellie knew she should be glad that he wanted to see her, but he couldn’t have wanted to _that_ bad, or he would have fucking come down to the farm no matter what Annie told him.

“Maybe I’ll talk to him.  I dunno.”  So casual.  Like she didn’t care if she saw him or not.

“So you _are_ going, then?”

“Yeah, why not.  If you’re sure you don’t need me for anything?”

“Yay!  No, go ahead!”  Annie gave her a quick hug.  “You’re kind of farmy, though - go home and change first.”

Home.  Joel’s house?  Whatever the fuck it was, Ellie headed there to shower.  Now she very much wanted to see Joel, if only to actively show him that she  _didn’t_  want to see him.  To show him… what, exactly?  That she was doing just fine without him?  That she was angry?  Part of her wanted that.  She wanted him to wave at her so she could not-wave back.  She wanted him to smile at her so she could glare at him in return.Another part of her wanted him to know she missed him, that she hadn’t slept last night, that her heart was… bruised, if not broken.  She had to be careful with this part, because it could lead her to throw herself at him and beg him to change his mind.  She felt ashamed enough as it was.  And she’d realized something last night:  the ‘hunter versus hunted’ thing was totally true.  Joel had been most responsive to her after she’d given up trying to persuade him to see her side.  When she gave him nothing, turned her back on him, left him.

Yet another part of her wanted to know that he was okay, and to reassure him that she was, too (even though she wasn’t really, and would never be).  She didn’t think Joel could truly be happy if  _she_  was not.  This part was the angel on her shoulder whereas the other two were the devil on the other side -- twin devils.  She didn’t feel capable of being an angel.

And, threaded through all of it, she still had this fear of losing Joel, a fear that had taken root so deep that it would never die.  She could ignore it sometimes, especially when Joel reassured her he was different from everyone else she’d ever known, people who had cared but left her anyway.  He never did this directly, and it usually wasn’t verbal.  It happened when she felt him watching her in the library, when his face lit up as she walked through the door at Tommy and Maria’s, when he held her at night as she was falling asleep, stroking her hair… when she remembered that he fucking killed all those Fireflies to save her life.  She might forget about the fear for a while, but it was still there, always there, lurking in the shadows like a stalker, ready to grab her if she dared to feel safe (she preferred the more straight-forward attacks of clickers and runners).  She couldn’t stand to be around Joel right now, but she couldn’t stand to be away from him, either, because she was too fucking scared that if she was away too long, he wouldn’t need her anymore.

Feeling all of this crap at the same time made Ellie emotionally dizzy.  She definitely needed to stay in ‘outside mode’ for the party.  Joel wasn’t home; she hadn’t expected him to be.  If he thought she was going to the party, he’d stay there all night, wouldn’t he?  The hateful dress lay on the bed, looking quite wrinkled for something she’d only worn a short while.  She didn’t remember leaving it there.  Maybe it had been on the floor all night, and Joel had picked it up that morning.  Had he slept in the bed?  She would wash the dress tomorrow and return it to Annie, who hadn’t even mentioned it today.  She was such a good friend.  Ellie knew this, but sometimes she felt irrationally angry with her anyway because her idea hadn’t worked.  Like that was Annie’s fault?  If Annie had known that Joel was the one she loved, she probably would have advised her to keep her stupid mouth shut forever and get over it.

Feeling geared up like she was ready for a fight, Ellie headed for the lake.  She took her switchblade, but no gun.  Partly to see if Joel noticed (and got mad), partly out of curiosity… she didn’t think she needed it, not the way she used to.  Jackson was the safest place she’d ever encountered in her life.  She still possessed a hyper-awareness of her surroundings when she was alone or with anyone other than Joel.  With Joel, she had become quite lazy.  Let her guard down too much.  _The only one you can count on is yourself.  Remember that, bitch._

Since she was alone now, she was fully aware that there was a person sitting in the bed of a truck on her left that she was about to pass.  She gave the truck a wide berth by walking in the middle of the street.  She didn’t care to see who it was.

“Hey!  Sunshine!”  It was a man’s voice, someone she knew… she couldn’t place it.

She could have just ignored it and kept walking… but now she was curious.  “Sunshine?” she repeated dubiously, turning towards the truck.  _Oh!  THAT guy._ “Pffff, I’m not so sunshine-y now.  And I’m surprised no one slugged me when I was.”

Max laughed.  “Slugged you for bein’ perky?  Naw, you weren’t obnoxious enough.”

Ellie came closer and sized him up for a moment.  He was sitting in the back corner of the truck bed, one arm resting along the side, the other hand holding a little canteen… no, there was another name for it; it was like a canteen but smaller and people put alcohol in it.  There was a ruggedness about him.  He had longish, shaggy brown hair, and his beard wasn’t full like Joel’s… it looked more like he just hadn’t bothered to shave for a few days.  The scar on his cheek was a far sight uglier than Ellie’s eyebrow scar.  He took a swig from the boozy thing.  “Uh, the party’s over there,” Ellie pointed out, jerking her head towards the indistinct thrum of voices, the people who looked like ants from here (well, somewhere between ants and the tiny dollhouse people in the corner of Tommy’s living room).

“I was there for a bit.  Ain’t really the party type.”

“Okay, so… you’d rather get drunk by yourself?”  Ellie thought booze was typically something you drank with other people.  Like, at parties, especially.

“Who says I’m drunk?” he chuckled.  He waved the canteen thing at her -- a flask!  That’s what it was called.  “Want some?”

“No thanks.  I’m gonna go eat.”  The smells of grilled meat were actually making Ellie feel hungry.  This surprised her, because for some reason she’d thought she might never eat again.

“Suit yourself.  They won’t give you any alcohol there, y’know.  Not even beer.  Though you kids always seem to find a way to get it.”

 _‘You kids’?_ The whole fucking town thought she was just a stupid little girl.  Ellie snorted.  “I’ll manage.” 

Twinkly little lights were strung up through the trees around the perimeter of the party, and along the shade tarps and tents scattered around the lawn.  Once the sun went down, they would look amazing.  There were red, white, and blue paper streamers strewn about as well.  The lights didn’t all work, and some of the streamers definitely looked like they’d seen better days, but to Ellie, it looked pretty fucking fancy.  The party committee had done a good job on the decorations.  She heard music playing.  Tracking it to its source, Ellie saw a large stereo system set up with gigantic speakers, and an area that appeared to be set aside for dancing.  No dancers, though.

Ellie made a beeline for the grills, pointedly not looking around for Joel.  She wanted him to see her first, and to notice that she wasn’t even looking for him.  This gave her some sense of power that she knew was stupid, but… it felt good, so whatever.  She was going to be all about playing games now.  What good had honesty done her?  She thought she might see him in her peripheral vision, at least.  Or when she was checking out the décor.  But nope… no Joel.

A lot of people said hi to her, though, and seemed happy to see her.  Ellie was served a hamburger right off the grill.  She wondered if this was what barbecues were like in the old world.  Immediately she thought of asking Joel about it, of course, because that’s what she always did.  It made her feel simultaneously angry and sad.  _Fuck being sad!_ Angry it was, then.

She joined a small group of teens eating nearby.  Even the tables were adorned with festive (cheesy) paper tablecloths.  She had lemonade.  French fries.  Jello with fruit in it.  Ellie felt like she should be appreciating the hell out of this, and it was Joel’s fault that she wasn’t properly excited about everything.  Sitting with the teens insulated her; Joel usually left her alone when she was with her peers.  But was he watching her from somewhere in the distance?  She wanted him to feel her anger.  She decided to force herself to join in the chatter.  Couldn’t let him see her sitting there brooding like a lovesick kid, now, could she?  Jacob made it easy enough by asking her about Mimi.

They finished eating and sat around for a while just shooting the shit.  Ellie still hadn’t seen Joel, and she was starting to get a little concerned, much to her annoyance.  She allowed herself to look around… _there he is!_   She found him when she completely turned around in her seat.  There was a circle of lawn chairs around a fire pit about fifty yards away, and Joel and Tommy were stoking the fire.  Ellie squinted to identify the others in the area… mostly middle-aged, it looked like.  Two women she didn’t like -- those stupid laundry bitch skanks.  What the fuck was Joel doing hanging out with them?  He turned and caught her looking.  _Damn!_ He waved, and beckoned her over with an exaggerated windmill motion of his arm, so there was no mistaking the gesture.  Tommy waved, too.  She waggled her fingers in a half-ass wave to both of them and made no move to get up.  It was kind of hard to look away, but she turned around.  It would look too weird for her to hop over to the other side of the table now, but maybe that was good:  now she could put on a show for Joel about how little she cared to see him.

A few minutes later, she fetched herself another helping of Jello for the sole purpose of glancing in Joel’s direction (not that the Jello wasn’t yummy), and he wasn’t even there.  _Good._   Except where the hell was he now?  Quickly scanning the area, she saw him walking with Tommy, almost out of sight.  That was okay… maybe… unless they were talking about her?  Or would that be a good thing, too?  Not knowing was annoying.  She was kind of tempted to follow them.  _No.  Fuck them._ That was always the answer.  Just… fuck everything.

“Ellie!”  She had almost finished her Jello when she heard Clicker calling to her from the general direction of the lake.  “Come here!”

Clicker would be a good distraction from her melancholy.  She shoved the last couple bites in her mouth and said “seeya later” to the table.  _Hey Joel, I’m going to hang out with my boyfriend!  Are you happy?_ She couldn’t believe Joel had actually suggested that she hook up with a twelve-year-old.  Did he really think she was _that_ much of a little kid?  Jesus fucking Christ.  Her anger bubbled up again.  Or… kept simmering, really.  Not like it ever went away.

It wasn’t the kid’s fault, though.  She wouldn’t take it out on him.  He’d called her over and then run off, yelling for her to follow him.  She was trotting, not running, and she lost sight of him amongst the trees.  “Wait up!  Where’d you go?”

She saw it coming just in time to twist around -- something exploded against her shoulder blade, drenching her shirt, making her shriek.  A water balloon!  “Oh, you little shit!  You’re gonna pay for that!” she threatened as the little shit laughed maniacally.  “Wait, no fair, I need ammo!”

“You can have half my stash,” Clicker offered.  He waited for her to catch up.  “Come on!  It’s over here!”

“Your stash?  What, you’re hoarding the things?”

“Yeah, me and the twins and Alyssa and Will were playing before and used most of ‘em.  I didn’t want them to be all gone before you got here.”

“Awww, that’s nice, you saved some to pound me with!  So you have the last of them?”

“Yep.  It sucks, a lot of them didn’t work, they were either like, stiff, or they broke too fast.”

 _Just like the condoms here,_ Ellie snickered to herself.  Or so she’d heard.  The restrooms in the library had these dispensers that someone had rigged to dole out condoms.  Most of the time they were empty.  Condoms were a rare luxury, and whatever was brought in was really old -- older than Ellie -- so, always a gamble.  Apparently the subject came up at town meetings sometimes, with some people wanting them warehoused like any other commodity, or distributed fairly amongst adults.  Some wanted them available to parents of teenagers, to be given at the parents’ discretion.  The compromise agreed upon was a hodgepodge of everything, really.  Ellie thought it was smart to have them available anonymously in a public bathroom, because what teenager would ask his or her parent for them?  Well… maybe Annie would.  Ellie couldn’t imagine asking Joel.  Anyway, it didn’t even matter much, since they didn’t work too well to begin with and the dispensers got emptied so fast (probably by people hoarding them the way Clicker was hoarding the balloons).  Even if the bounty was spread over multiple days, they went fast.  Ellie had seen some of the teens share amongst themselves, passing them to each other with giggly whispers.

She wondered why people didn’t try to repurpose the balloons as condoms.  She’d never actually seen a condom before, outside of the wrapper, but she knew what it did, and couldn’t the balloon do the same thing?  Maybe if you snipped off the weird little thing on the end?  It was a good question to ask Joel when she wanted to get him all flustered and awkward.  _No, not anymore, and I really have to train my brain to quit jumping over to him for everything.  Motherfucker!_

“It’s okay though cuz we had to switch to water guns,” Clicker continued merrily.  He would have appreciated the condom comment, but now Ellie would feel weird bringing up anything even remotely sexual with him, thanks to Joel.  “The girls were whining that the balloons hurt.  Even when we threw them not-as-hard, me and Will.  I knew _you_ wouldn’t be like that.  I bet you throw harder than Will, too!  I bet yours’ll hurt!”

 _Yeah, that’s me, not-a-girl._ But she did pride herself on being tough.  “Ohhhh you’re really asking for it now, dude.  You bet your ass mine will hurt!  You’ll be wishing we were doing guns.”

Clicker knew that Ellie ‘didn’t like’ water guns, and that it wasn’t because of the water.  She’d never explained why.  She was content to let him think it was for the same reason she didn’t like playing war-like video games that had guns.  Riley was a secret too sacred to be shared with people.  She hadn’t even told Joel much about her.  The water balloons did remind Ellie of her, though… and it was okay.  Truly okay.  Maybe the guns wouldn’t be so bad either.

“Almost there…”  Clicker was leading her out of the park, to a house across the street.

“Where the fuck did you hide them?”

“In Bryan’s yard.  If I left them anywhere by the lake, people would gank them!”

Ellie snickered.  “Like you did?”

“I didn’t want you to miss out.  It was my good deed of the day.”  He grinned at her.

“A noble act, definitely.  I think you need more boys to play with.”  There weren’t many boys in town around Clicker’s age.  It would help if the Asswipes weren’t asswipes, but Ellie couldn’t count them as playmates.  She was glad Clicker didn’t like them.

“Nuh-uh –- that’s why I’m friends with _you_!  Okay, wait here…”  Clicker retrieved a bucket full of balloons from the backyard of the house.  “They’re all good, I tested them.”

“Holy shit, there’s like, fifty in there!”  Ellie was amused at what a little thief he was.

“More like forty,” he corrected.  “Let’s play catch first, they’ll last longer!”

She was happy to oblige.  She wanted to make the water balloons last, too.  Also, her dinner was still rumbling through her digestive system and she’d rather not run around too much while it did, she might get a stitch in her side or something.  Ellie had to admit, the party was lifting her mood somewhat.  Thinking about Joel in any way made her angry, and she thought of him more often than she cared to, but other than that, things were pretty good.  _Fuck Joel._   She could have fun without him.

They played in the street and the front yards of the nearby houses.  There were more places to take cover than there were by the lake, no risk of annoying other people with their antics, and way less mosquitoes (ancient bug repellant didn’t work very well).  Bonus perk: Joel might wonder where she was.  She’d be easy to spot if he looked in this direction, and God knows they were yelling loudly enough, but maybe it wouldn’t occur to him to look outside the party boundaries?

When the balloon arsenal was exhausted, they plopped down in the grass to rest.  Both of them were soaked.  Ellie was cold, but she didn’t care.  She’d certainly been colder.  Still, she hugged her knees to her chest to try to keep warm.  Clicker did the same.  “I shoulda stashed some towels over here, too,” he lamented.

“Towels are for wimps,” Ellie teased him.  “That was fun.  Thanks for stealing all those.”

“No biggie,” he mumbled.  He could be sort of shy sometimes.  Probably why Joel thought the kid had a crush on her... which he probably did, Ellie conceded.  Clicker possibly had the type of crush on her that Joel alleged she had on _him_.  It was so fucking infuriating, how he’d just lumped her in with every other teenager on the planet, like no way could she be different at all.  Even though she _was_ different.  _They_ were different.  They were practically in a fucking relationship already, just without the sex part.  If only—

Ellie’s thoughts were interrupted by something that caught her attention a couple houses over.  She wasn’t completely sure, it was just a flash… but she didn’t like it.  “Clicker, why don’t you go back and dry off, I have to go do something,” she said calmly.

“Can I go with you?”  He always wanted to be her sidekick.

“No, it’s… personal.  I’ll see you later, okay?  Go.”  She got up and ruffled his hair -- an apology of sorts for her abrupt departure.  He seemed reluctant to leave, so she added, “And don’t follow me.  Promise!”

Clicker sighed.  “’k, fine, I promise.  Later.” 

Ellie watched him shuffle off, and when she was satisfied he wasn’t watching her, she stealthily made her way down the street to investigate what she hoped had been a figment of her sleep-deprived imagination.


	25. Mad World

Ellie caught up to her quarries easily enough.  She kept herself out of sight as much as she could, creeping from house to house, looking, listening.  The streets were deserted, which should have made it easier… she hoped… _yep, gotcha._ She saw them, two people strolling down the street…when they turned a corner, Ellie quickened her pace.  It wasn’t a street corner, so it appeared they were cutting through someone’s yard.  She couldn’t risk being heard by hauling ass, but it turned out there was no need to; when she reached the house where they’d turned, she heard a loud “Sssshhhhh!” accompanied by muffled giggling, and realized they hadn’t gone any further.

Ellie had to get close enough to be sure, because it would be pretty damn embarrassing if she was wrong…  _Oh yeah, that’s definitely him.  Fucking douchebag motherfucker!  Who’s the girl?_

She was only twenty feet away from them and they still hadn’t noticed her.  Ellie wasn’t going to stand there and watch as they kissed and groped each other.  “What the _fuuuuck_ ,” she said loudly to make her presence known.  The two bodies jumped apart guiltily -- as if it made any difference now.   The girl was Christine -- a fucking _friend_!  Annie was going to be  _devastated_.  “How  _could_ you?” she asked of either of them, her eyes darting from one to the other.

Jacob stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground.  Christine looked at Ellie pleadingly.  “It’s not what it looks like.”

Ellie wanted to strangle her.  “Oh?  It looked like you and  _Annie’s fucking boyfriend_ were shoving your tongues down each other’s throats, making out practically in the street.  Is that _not_ what you were doing?  There’s another explanation?  Go on, tell me, this should be good.”

“He was gonna break up with her,” Christine said feebly.  Jacob cringed at that.

“So that makes it okay to fuck around behind her back?”  Ellie glared at Jacob.  “ _Were_ you gonna dump her?”

The cheating bastard was reluctant to speak.   He shuffled his feet and looked very uncomfortable.  “Well…” he finally said. 

Ellie was too impatient to wait for him to spit it out.  “Whatever.  Now you don’t have to, I’m going to tell her.”

 _That_ got him to find his voice.  “No!  You can’t!  Ellie, please don’t, okay?  I’ll talk to her.”

“When?” Ellie demanded.

“Tomorrow.”

“Try  _tonight._   How about  _right now._   Because I can’t let her go on thinking you love her when you don’t.”

“I do—“ he started to say, with a glance at Christine.  “She’s busy right now, though… with the sheep…”

“No wonder you asked me about Mimi,” Ellie scoffed.  “You were trying to figure out if she’d be coming back tonight after chores, weren’t you?  Admit it.”

“No!”

“Fucking liar.  You were trying to see if you’d have time to run out for a quickie. You didn’t even bother going to one of the empty houses.  Just couldn’t wait, could you?  God, you two make me sick.”

Christine was crying the fakest tears Ellie had ever seen.  “We didn’t mean to—“

“Oh, shut the fuck up, you fucking slut.   Of course you meant to.”

“I would never hurt Annie,” she sniffled.  The crocodile tears only enraged Ellie more.

“I said  _shut up._ You wouldn’t, huh?”  Ellie rounded on Jacob.  “If I hadn’t found you just now, you were never gonna tell her, were you.  That counts as not hurting her in the _asshole_ playbook, right?!”

Jacob dug the toe of his shoe in the dirt and stared at it.  “Well… uh… I just thought I’d… you know.  Let her down easy.  Knowing would only hurt her more.”

“Wow, that’s so fucking  _considerate_ of you,” Ellie said nastily.  “I’m so glad you’re thinking about her feelings.  ‘Let her down easy’ -- what does that even mean?  There’s no such thing.  Not when you’re in love with someone.  What were you gonna say?  ‘I’m sorry, Annie, but you deserve better than me, and that’s why I’m breaking up with you, because I’m just soooo unselfish like that.  What a great guy I am, huh?’  No.   _Fuck_ no.  She needs to know you’re a lying, cheating, motherfucking piece of shit assholewho can’t keep his dick in his pants.  How many other girls are you fucking?”

“No one!  It’s not like that.  I… care about both of them.”  He snuck another glance at Christine, then stepped towards Ellie.  “Let me explain.  In private,” he added quietly.

Ellie wondered if he’d been lying to Christine, too.  “No.  No way.  God, I can’t believe I defended you.  Annie knew something was up and I told her that you loved her, I could tell, I could see it when you looked at her.” She hoped it hurt the cunt to hear that.  It wasn’t even a lie.  Obviously Ellie had been wrong about him, though.   _I’ve been wrong about a lot of things lately.  Jesus, I really don’t know anything.  Maybe Joel’s right, I AM just a dumb kid._

“I love them both… in different ways,” Jacob said miserably.  Probably so he could spin it to Christine later and convince her he only loved Annie as a friend or some shit.

“Well, now you don’t have to love Annie anymore.”  Ellie shifted her glare to Christine.  The girl wasn’t even that pretty.  She was short… maybe an inch taller than Ellie, with curly brown hair prone to frizziness, and a pug nose a little too large to be cute.  She had boobs, though, and she liked showing them off with low-cut shirts.  “Congratulations, you get to have this creep all to yourself.  Until some other skank comes along.”

Jacob didn’t bother trying to defend his character this time, at least.  “I’ll talk to Annie.  Please don’t tell her anything.   _Please_.”

Ellie shivered, marveling that she could still be wet and cold while her anger burned so hot.  She had to figure out what to do.  What would be best for Annie?  Could Ellie trust Jacob to tell the whole truth?  She could find out easily enough by talking to Annie afterwards.

But she needn’t have wondered about that.  “Just think how much more hurt she’d be if she knew about this,” Jacob beseeched her.  “She’ll be hurt enough as it is -- this will only make it a million times worse, don’t you think?  You can’t tell her what you saw.  You don’t want to hurt her like that, do you?”

 _Unbelievable_.  “Oh, now it’s  _me_ that’s hurting her?  You’re a fucking piece of work.”

“No, it’s not your fault, of course,” Jacob backpedaled.  “Just… you don’t have to… we’ll keep it quiet for a while and by the time Christine and me, um… well… she’ll be over it by then.”

 _Oh my God, do ALL guys think we can just ~get over it~ so easily?_ “Are you serious?! Why the fuck would I help you keep your secret and… and fucking _lie_ for you myself?  And… _God_ , how quickly do you think a person gets over her boyfriend cheating on her with some nasty cunt?”

Christine gasped at the word.  She’d stopped blubbering and had come over to stand slightly behind Jacob.  The bitch had the nerve to put her hand on his arm.  He didn’t shrug it off, either.  _Isn’t that nice, she’s all stand-by-your-man now.  Or your FRIEND’s man._

Ellie was actually enjoying being mean to them.  “Well, asshole, are you going to just stand there and let me call your whore names?  Slut, cunt, skank, bitch, cocksucking, fugly, weasely little--“

“Ellie, don’t,” Jacob said -- quite perfunctorily, it seemed to Ellie.  “It just sort of… happened.  It’s not her fault.”

“Of course it’s her fault!  You sure weren’t  _forcing_  her to spread her legs, were you!  You weren’t forcing her to… to fucking  _smile_ at Annie, and pretend to be her friend!”

“We weren’t _good_ friends,” whined Christine, as if that justified it.  Now that she’d stopped sniveling, she was getting defensive.

That roused Ellie’s ire even more than the tears had.  “ _Obviously_.  You’re about the worst kind of friend there is.”

“I mean… she wasn’t around all that much, she usually didn’t watch the movies or like… hang with us…”

The sound of the cunt’s voice was just irritating Ellie beyond belief.  And ‘us’ – _really_?!  “Oh, suck my dick!  So now it’s  _her_ fault you’re a lying skank?  Because she wasn’t around enough to stop you from whoring?!  Fuck you!”  And then Ellie was flying at her, all fists and fury, but of course, the chickenshit bitch immediately ducked behind Jacob.  He managed to grab Ellie’s arms to restrain her momentarily, but Ellie kicked him in the shin and wriggled free.  Still, she allowed Christine to hide behind her human shield, who was now wincing in pain, much to Ellie’s satisfaction.  She just stood there yelling at both of them.  She was so into her yelling that it was actually the change in Jacob’s facial expression, not her hyperawareness of her surroundings, that made her realize they were no longer alone.  She whirled around.

“You fucking asshole.”  It was Annie, a murderous expression on her face, but quite calm, considering.  Clicker was right behind her.  Ellie wondered how much they’d heard.  She supposed it wasn’t too difficult to piece the puzzle together if they’d heard Ellie screaming epithets like ‘cheating prick’ and ‘fucking slut’ at the pair.

“I can explain—“ Jacob took a step towards Annie, and Ellie immediately jumped into his path.

“You mean you can  _lie!”_ Ellie snarled at him.  “Don’t come near her.”

“But—“ He moved closer.

And suddenly, even though it had been over a year since she’d been there, Ellie was right back at school, staring down someone who posed a physical threat.  Instinct took over:  she brandished her switchblade.  “Don’t you dare come one step closer or I swear to God I’ll cut you -- and don’t think I won’t!”

The air was eerily silent now.  Jacob apparently believed her because he froze.  Christine was also rooted to her spot a few feet behind him.

Annie approached her slowly.  “Ellie, it’s okay.”  She laid her hand on Ellie’s shoulder.  “You don’t need to do that.”

Ellie blinked.   _What the fuck am I doing?_ That was the weirdest feeling… she could have been at any of those shitty schools (they were all the same), facing any number of enemies she’d made before getting kicked out of each one.  It had hit her even stronger than on her first day in town when she’d scared those little brats with her gun.  She would have thought that her more recent experiences with fighting would take precedence.  _Then they wouldn’t be scared, they’d be dead.  …not that that would be a bad thing._ She lowered the knife, but didn’t switch the blade shut.  “It’s _not_ okay.  This fucking… _dickweed_ boyfriend of yours…” Ellie glowered at him.

“I know.  But I need to talk to him,” said Annie coolly.

Ellie looked at her friend.  She seemed… quietly pissed off.  Strong.  Not weepy.  Hopefully that meant she wouldn’t believe his lies.  “Whatever he tells you is gonna be bullshit.  You can’t trust him.”  _Well, duh._   But she couldn’t _not_ point that out.

“Still.  I have things to say.  But not to _her_.”  She cast a withering look at Christine. “You can leave now.”

“By that, she means _fuck off, skank_ ,” Ellie spat out, scowling (at a more appropriate time, she would have to applaud Annie for cussing earlier in a situation that definitely warranted it).  Jacob said something inaudible to the slut and she started to leave.  It occurred to Ellie that she should probably do some damage control.  “And if either of you tell anyone about this...” _What can I threaten them with?!_ She didn’t have time to think.  “You’ll be sorry.”  _I just made it worse for myself if they DO tell.  But fuck it.  Fuck them, fuck this whole fucking town._

“Thanks, Ellie.”  Annie gave her a side-arm hug.  “Talk later?”

“I’ll wait here for you.  Don’t be nice to him.”

Ellie watched them walk up the street, opposite of the way Christine had gone, and noted with satisfaction that when Jacob reached for her hand, Annie widened the distance between them.  Ellie turned to Clicker and acknowledged him for the first time.  He was either looking at her in shock or in awe, Ellie couldn’t tell which.  She folded the blade shut and shoved it back in her pocket.  “Dude, I told you not to follow me.”

“I didn’t!” he protested.  “Annie showed up looking for you.  When I said you went off by yourself she got, like… worried.  Said she’d kick my ass if I didn’t tell her where you went.”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “Uh-huh.  That sounds just like her.  You musta been scared.”  She noticed Jacob and Annie were sitting on someone’s porch steps, a respectable distance apart.  A thought just occurred to her… and with Clicker, she really didn’t need to bother with subtlety.  “Do you know if she asked Joel first?”

“Yep, he told her you were with me.  Why?”

“Just wondering.”  _Hmmm.  So Joel found out from someone that I left with Clicker -- he must have asked someone cuz he wasn’t even around then.  Or maybe he saw us playing with the balloons.  Whatever.  Sounds like he didn’t notice when Clicker came back without me, but the kid wasn’t there very long.  What will he think if Clicker goes back now and Joel sees he’s there without me and I’m not anywhere in sight?  Probably that I’m with Annie.  Will he assume that or will he come looking for me?  I sort of snubbed him at the party though so maybe he’s mad.  Would that make him NOT want to find me?  Like, ‘Fuck her, if she don’t wanna hang out I’ll just go back to the skanks, they always pay attention to me…’_

“Yo!  Did you hear _anything_ I just said?”  Clicker was frowning at her.

“Of course!” she lied.  “I just have a lot on my mind.  Go on back, I’m gonna wait here and make sure Annie’s okay.  And don’t you _dare_ tattle to Joel about any of this.  If he asks you where I am, just tell him…”  _How should I play this?_ “…that I’m with Annie.  That’s it.  Got it?  See, I’m not even asking you to lie.”

“Why do you always think I’m gonna tattle?” he whined peevishly.

“Uh, because you always _do_?”

“Two times!  That’s not ‘always’!  And both were like, for-the-greater-good things.  Not to be a tattletale.”

“Well, don’t decide that _this_ is a greater-good thing, then.  Joel doesn’t need to know where I am.  I’m not gonna do anything stupid.”  Ellie felt a twinge of guilt.  She tried to tell herself she wasn’t manipulating the kid.  What she said was true, after all… but she could tell that now he was wondering just what exactly she was planning to do.  _And I don’t even know.  I’ll probably be with Annie anyhow.  I just want Joel to worry.  A little._ “Promise you won’t say anything about… what you saw.  No matter what.”  She truly didn’t want Joel to know about that.  If Clicker cracked under duress (and she assumed Joel would pressure him if he got a whiff of the boy’s uncertainty), she hoped he’d only give Joel a vague idea of her whereabouts, not spill the part he’d _promised_ to keep secret.  She could already hear him pointing out the difference later when she pretended to be annoyed.

She extracted a promise easily enough, though she couldn’t get him to leave her alone until they saw Annie heading back, Jacob-less; Ellie was sure Clicker wouldn’t want to engage in girl talk any more than Annie would want him to hear it.

The two girls hugged wordlessly, Annie sniffling into her shoulder.  Ellie didn’t know what to say to her.  She didn’t think anything she said would make Annie feel better anyway, and she didn’t want to say lame things just to say them.  Annie wasn’t bawling, though.  Ellie wasn’t a crier herself, but if she’d caught Joel with another girl, she’d be sobbing her fucking eyes out.She hugged Annie tighter.

“It’s fine,” Annie said finally, pulling back and wiping her eyes.

“It’s so not _-_ fine, Annie.  I’ll kick his ass for you if you want,” Ellie offered, only half-jokingly.

“You would, wouldn’t you.  No, it’s fine,” she said again, smiling weakly.  “I had this feeling… I thought she liked him but I didn’t know he liked her back, you know?  At least now I know I’m not crazy for suspecting… yeah.  I’m just gonna go home.”

Ellie nodded.  “D’you want me to go with you?  We can talk… do some man-bashing… listen to that song you were digging the other day, the one with the cloudy coffee…”

Annie almost smiled.  “’You’re So Vain.’  Carly Simon.  Yeah, I bet that’d sound good now.  Tomorrow?  You should go back to the party.  I wanna be alone for a little while… and then I’ll talk to my mom.  You’re off tomorrow, right?  But if you want, you can come and see the lambs… you can name them, if you still want to?  And then we can talk.  Or… bash.  Whatever.”

Ellie felt a pang of envy when Annie mentioned her mom.  _Must be nice to be able to talk to your mother about this kind of shit._ “Okay.  Lambs?  So she had two?  Or three?”

“Two.  A boy and a girl.  Thanks, Ellie.  Really.  You’re a good friend.”

Ellie felt herself blushing and was glad that it was almost dark out now.  She felt ashamed for begrudging Annie a mother a moment ago.  “Nah.  I’m just… yeah, I’ll seeya tomorrow.”

She watched Annie walk away.  _Now what do I do?_ She didn’t feel like going back to the party, but she didn’t want to leave, either; she hadn’t had a satisfactory interaction with Joel yet.  What she wanted to happen there, she didn’t know, just… _some_ thing.  If he told her he’d fucked up, that he felt the same way she did and wanted to be together, all would be forgiven.  But Ellie couldn’t stand to entertain such thoughts because every time she did, it hurt that much more when the truth bit her in the ass again.  _Should I just hang out around here assuming Clicker will blab to Joel that this is where he last saw me?  …am I really that pathetic?  No.  No, I’m not.  Fuck Joel.  Fuck him so hard._

She heard Carly singing in her head.  _~You gave away the things you loved, and one of them was me…~_

 _Whyyyyy, Joel?_   It still made no sense. 

 _Stop it, Ellie, you’re gonna make yourself cry.  Choose anger.  FUCK JOEL._ She could go to Tommy’s, or Joel’s… but that also involved just hanging around waiting for Joel to show up.  He might not even go to Tommy’s.  And she didn’t really want to be in Joel’s house, the house they’d shared, where she used to be so happy. 

 _Okay, so I’m not THAT pathetic, but I’m still basing my decision on what I think Joel might do, which is pathetic enough._  

She didn’t really feel like being by herself, either.  Didn’t want to sit around thinking about Joel, or Jacob and Christine, or whatever the fuck her brain might decide to think about if she were alone.

Suddenly, she knew exactly where she wanted to go.  She ran there, hoping it wasn’t too late.  It wasn’t; Max was still sitting there in the bed of the truck, alone.  She slowed to a brisk walk when she caught sight of him.

Ellie approached the open tailgate of the truck.  “I changed my mind, can I have some of that…whatever-it-is?  If you still have any?”

“I got some.  Come on up.”

Ellie hesitated.  The sun had nearly set and the streetlights had come on, casting him and the truck bed in shadow, save for the silvery light playing across the top of his head.  She couldn’t see his expression, or if he looked drunk (what exactly did drunk people look like?), or… _or what?_

“Do you want some or don’tcha?” he prompted, waggling the flask.  “I got the bottle here... you can take a swig outta that if you want… I gotta refill this thing… stay there a sec, I don’t wanna spill it.”  Spill it if she shook the truck a little climbing up, Ellie assumed.  She watched as Max unscrewed the top of each and carefully tilted the bottle over the flask.  He offered Ellie the bottle.

She didn’t know much about the guy… but she didn’t get a ‘perv’ vibe off him.  _You didn’t with David, either,_ she reminded herself.  Still… there was something exciting about taking the risk.  If she’d felt like he was just a douchebag playing nice, she wouldn’t take it, but he seemed okay –- and they weren’t Outside where things were always dangerous, like when she’d met David.  Tommy and Maria wouldn’t let some skeez live in their town.  Besides, she had her blade, and he was likely to underestimate her, giving her the advantage of surprise.  But best of all -- in the realm of irritating Joel, could she do any better than getting drunk with some strange man?  That cinched it.  She clambered into the truck and took the bottle.  Even when she held it up high to catch the light from the street lamp, she couldn’t make out the faded label.

“It’s Jack Daniels,” said Max.  “Whiskey.  Ever had it?”

“Nope.”

“It’s strong.  Just take a tiny sip.”

Ellie wrinkled up her face.  “Ugh, it smells like shit.”

“Well, no, shit has a very different aroma…”

“Pfffff.  It smells _nasty_ , then.  Does it taste better than it smells?”

“If you never had any, no.  It’s… an acquired taste.”

“Okay, I’m gonna acquire it then,” she said bravely.  “Here goes…”

“Just a sip, now,” Max repeated.  “If you get too much you’ll probably reflex and spit it out, and wasting this shit is just plain _wrong_.”

“How come you’re wasting it on _me_ , then?”

“Ain’t a waste if you drink it.”

Max was one of only a few people she’d noticed besides Joel and Tommy who said ‘ain’t,’ although his accent didn’t sound like theirs.  Ellie wasn’t sure how an inebriated person would act, but he really didn’t strike her as drunk.  She tilted the bottle very slowly and took the tiniest of tiny sips.  It didn’t taste good, but it was swallow-able.  Nothing happened.  She gestured at the flask in his hand.  “Can I drink from that thing?  I mean, if it’s okay to have more.”

“Sure.”  He traded her for the bottle.

The flask was easier to drink from.  Ellie took a bigger sip, and this time she felt a burning sensation in her throat when it went down.  She coughed but didn’t spit anything out.

“Good, now just let that settle a bit.  You’re small, it won’t take much to catch a buzz.  You don’t wanna get sick.”

“Cuz puking it up would be wasteful?”

Max chuckled.  “That, and you don’t wanna get sick.”

Ellie didn’t hear any buzzing in her head, but she did feel sort of… warmer.  Her shirt was damp and her jeans were still pretty wet, but she’d pretty much forgotten she was cold.  The warmth in her stomach felt good, though.

“Do you mind if I sit here a while?  Or would you rather be alone?”

“Sit.  If I wanted to be alone that bad I’d go somewhere more private.  I’m just people-watchin’.”

“People watching?  That sounds creepy.  Er…no offense.”  Ellie made herself comfortable across from him, leaning against the corner of the truck that was street-side.  Now that she was also in the shadow of the truck cab, she could see better.

“Guess it _is_ kind of creepy.  No harm in it, though.”  He looked in the direction of the party.  Ellie followed his gaze.  She couldn’t identify people from this distance, but she could differentiate between kids and adults, especially if the kids were running around.  It struck her as quite a lonely thing to do, to just sit around looking at people but not talking to them… the people not even realizing you’re there… she wondered if Max was sad.  Did he really _like_ being alone?  Did he have any friends?  She hadn’t seen him around that much to notice.  Occasionally at the warehouse, where his parents worked.  She wondered if having parents counted as having friends.

“Can I have another sip?  I mean, did I wait long enough?”

“Baby sip.”

Knowing what to expect now, she braced herself this time, and it went down easier.  “It still tastes fucking nasty,” she observed.

Max smiled.  “You might not notice that so much as time goes by, is all.  You feeling anything yet?”

“Warm.  Nice.”  She took another small sip.

“How old are you, Sunshine?”

Ellie groaned.  “You _can_ just call me Ellie, you know.”  She’d been feeling rather grown up until he asked her that.  “I’m old.  How old are _you_?”

“Ladies first.”

“Fine -- I’m fifteen.  But I’m an old soul.”  She had decided she liked that moniker Annie had bestowed on her.

“Only fifteen?  I thought you were at least twenty.”

Ellie laughed.  “Shut up!  No way, everyone thinks I’m like, twelve.”  She knew he was just teasing -– on her way to the party he’d referred to her as a kid -- but she was glad she could sort of pretend he wasn’t.  …even if that made no fucking sense. 

“If you were twelve, I’d only give you one sip.  I’m twenty-seven.  Fuckin’ oooooold.”

Ellie wondered how much Joel would have let her drink.  Probably at least a few sips.  _Damnit, Ellie, don’t think about Joel!  He’s not here!_ “Not old.  Eighty is old.”

“Right, right, someone’s always older.”  He took a large swig from the bottle and made an appreciative ‘ahhhh’ sound.  Then he seemed to read her mind.  “Your friend know you’re out here?”

“My friend?  You mean Joel?”  At least he hadn’t referred to him as her father.  “Pfff.  No.  He doesn’t need to know, he’s not the boss of me.”  Ellie laughed at herself.  “Oh my God, now I sound like a five-year-old.  I mean… I do what I want.  It’s not like he’s my dad or something.”

“Still.  Seems like he usually keeps a close eye on you.”

 _He does.  He… used to.  Now he doesn’t care._ Deep down, Ellie knew that wasn’t quite true, but she wanted to stay pissed off at him.  “Not today.  He’s too busy partying, I haven’t even talked to him all day.”

Max nodded slowly.  “Oh, I get it now.  He wouldn’t get you a drink, even though he’s probably tossed back a few himself, so you thought you’d go get your own.”

“Well…”  It was close enough to the truth, really.  She couldn’t say, _‘No, I’m pissed off at him for hurting me, so I thought I’d use you to get drunk and forget about him for a while, and if I’m lucky, it’ll also make him jealous as hell when he finds me later.  Hope you don’t mind.’_ “Something like that.  Yours, though, not my own,” she added with a grin.

“I’m sure he’ll just love it when he finds out.  He’ll be my new best friend.”

Ellie hadn’t thought about what consequences her actions might have for Max.  _Shit!_ Since Joel thought she was just a stupid little kid, he’d blame Max for her drinking.  “Um… yeah, maybe I should leave you alone.  Are you _sure_ I can’t just guzzle this down now that I’ve had a little?  I won’t tell him where I drank it.  Or I’ll tell him I stole a bottle from somewhere.”

“Huh?  You don’t have to leave.  I don’t care if he gets mad.”

“You _should_ care.  He’s… not exactly the gentlest person…”

“So what?”

“Soooo he might kick your ass?”

“Tch.  I ain’t no pussy.”

“Okay, but…” _…he’s Joel -- he might decide to bash your head on the ground and then stomp on it._

“Don’t worry about it.  Seriously.”

Ellie bit her lip, frowning.  She _was_ worried about it now.  And it made her even angrier with Joel.  _Why does the asshole have to ruin EVERY FUCKING THING?!_

“It’s okay, I’ll take my chances,” Max continued.  “I _want_ you to stay.  It’s cool to have a drinking buddy.”

“It is?”  Ellie wanted that to be a good enough excuse… but would he really want her to stay if he understood that his _life_ might be in danger?

“It is.  Shit, he’d probably be _more_ ticked if I let you go wander around by yourself now, after you’ve been drinking.  At least here you can’t get into any trouble.”

Ellie snorted.  Didn’t Max realize that Joel would consider _him_ to be the trouble?  Maybe he was just messing with her.  But, if he really didn’t want her to leave… “Okay.  I guess.  I’ll try to protect you.”

Max laughed.  “Oh yeah?  You gonna leap in front of the bullet?”

“Sort of, yeah.  There won’t be a bullet if I get in the way.”  That made Ellie feel marginally better.  As long as she didn’t pass out, she was certain she could hinder Joel enough that he couldn’t seriously hurt Max, and maybe she could even talk him down.  _Maybe he won’t even know I’m here in the first place.  And maybe if he does, he won’t care, because I walked out on him…I’m not his problem anymore… no, that’s not true it’s not it’s not it’s noooootttt._

“I s’pose I can be a pussy just once and let you do that if it eases your conscience,” Max said teasingly. 

 _He just doesn’t get it!_ “Dude, it’s not being a pussy, it’s like… surviving.  I was with him every day, Outside, for almost a year.  I know how he is.  And you might think since you’re younger you’ll be faster, or stronger… nope.  Trust me.  And don’t tell him you offered me anything, I’ll say I kept bugging you and I was a real brat about it and you finally gave me some to shut me up.  He knows I can be like that… he’ll believe it.”

“Whatever.  I ain’t afraid of him.  And he’s got no reason to pick a fight.  There’s no set rule here about drinking age, and you’re a… free spirit.”

“Free spirit?  Ha!  That’s probably the best name I’ve ever heard for ‘orphan.’  But Joel doesn’t care so much about rules.  He makes up his own.  And the rest of us just have to go along with whateeeeever the fuck he wants.”  Ellie tipped her head back with dramatic flair like she was taking a huge swill from the flask this time, but really she just took another sip.  Max was looking at her strangely.  Had she said something weird?  “But, fuck him.  He’s not here.  So!  This shit burns going down but… I kinda like it.  I think it’s working!”

Much to her surprise, Ellie was indeed feeling pretty good.  She’d never understood why people would ever have tried to ~solve their problems~ with alcohol (mostly people in the old world who could go buy as much as they wanted), but now she was starting to get it.  She wasn’t the Ellie who was lovesick over Joel… or pissed at her traitorous friends… or sad for Annie… or whatever the fuck else.  She was just… Ellie-in-the-moment, warm and light-headed and somewhat amused at life.  _I am happy.  Not the same kind of happy I was when I thought I could be with Joel, but that happiness was artificial… nothing but a lie._

 _This_ happiness was quite a physical feeling, which made it more real… more trustworthy.  She wasn’t an idiot; she knew it would be fleeting.  _But right now?  I’ll fucking take what I can get._


	26. Drink You Away

“Get it?  The fucking song _is_ about him, and she’s like, saying he’s vain cuz he _thinks_ it’s about him, but it totally is so he’s _not_ really.  At least not about that.  He’s a dick, though.  I mean, obviously, cuz he’s male.”  Ellie snickered.  Max didn’t take offense at that so she nudged him with her toe.  “Aren’t you gonna defend your species?”

Max shook his head, smiling.  “My species.  Cute.  Nope, you figured it out.  We’re all assholes.  You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache, learning that so young.”

“Well, fuck, you coulda told me that before I—“  _Nooooooooo, Ellie, you’re not drunk enough to spill your guts.  Bounce it back to him._ “Never mind.  You’re not one, though.  If you were, you wouldn’ta loved Zoe.  You just want to act like a dickwad sometimes for some reason.  Stupid tough guy bullshit.  Just like Joel.”  _DON’T TALK ABOUT JOEL, ELLIE.  FUCK!_

“How do you know it’s bullshit?  Maybe the rest is bullshit and that part’s real.”

“Orrrrrr it’s all real.  Like how moods change, right?  You just wake up and decide if it’s gonna be an asshole day or a nice guy day.”

“More like… when people expect you to be an asshole, you’re an asshole.”

“Really?”  Ellie pondered that, with whatever capacity for thought remained in her fuzzy brain.  “Maybe sometimes.  But you have to start being an asshole somewhere in the first place.  Like what came first, the chicken or the asshole?  Ha!  You know, like, the egg?”  She laughed loudly at her own lame joke.  Actually, it was so lame she wasn’t sure it even qualified as a joke.

“The asshole’s the egg?”

Ellie laughed even more at Max’s bemusement.  Alcohol made everything funny as hell!  “That should be a code word thing for… something.”  She lowered her voice to a stage whisper to repeat it.  “’ _The asshole is the eeeeegggggg.’  Wink wink!_ Ohhhh I crack myself up.  –So _I’m_ the egg!  I crack myself –- ha!”

Max rolled his eyes but laughed along with her.  “The Ellie is the egg…”

“But that’s not a good code word, my name.  So still the other thing.  Oh hey!  You can say it when people are coming so I shut the fuck up!”  There weren’t a ton of people who had reason to walk down this street to get home from the lake, but there had been a few.  Ellie had also noticed some walking their way but then taking another route as they drew closer.  Not wanting to risk an awkward scene with the drunken idiots, perhaps.  _Chickenshits!  We don’t bite!  And I swear Max doesn’t even seem drunk._

“Or I could just say ‘ssshhhhh’…”

“Boooooriiiing!”  Ellie giggled and took a swig from the flask.  The shit still had a pleasant burn to it, and it was true that she no longer cared about the taste, now that she was ‘buzzing’ (which did _not_ actually feel like having a bee in her head).  Max still kept cautioning her to go slow, that if she drank too much she’d pass out or puke.  “Axshull— ax—bleh!” _Now I can’t talk?!_ “ _Ac-tu-al-ly_ , I’m not gonna shut up.  Fuck it!  Why can’t I say g’night to people?  I did to those one— to some— before, and nothing happened.”

“Do what you want, hon.  I dunno what you ‘spect to happen.  People will talk, but they’ll do that anyhow.”

A few people had stopped to chat with her.  Most simply returned the smile and greeting and went on their way.  Apparently no one had been worried or appalled or _whatever_ enough to go say anything to Joel about her.   _Maybe I should act drunker?  -And do what?_ Ellie both did and did not want Joel to find her.  If he found her, it would be the end of her fun.  She’d been so sure he would  _care_ , that he’d be angry at her… but what if he didn’t?  What if he hadn’t even asked Clicker where she went?  Or maybe he did ask, but then was content to believe she was with Annie.  What good was an act of defiance if it went unnoticed?  But worse than that would be if he showed up, got pissed off, and left her in disgust.  Or maybe he’d only be slightly irritated, even apathetic.   _He can’t be.  I need him to be pissed off.  He can’t just not give a shit._

The drinking  _had_ taken her mind off things, somewhat.  She’d coaxed a little of Max’s history out of him.  Not a lot, because it was depressing.  Of course it was;  _every_ one’s past was drenched in pain.  Talking about it too much would have been a ‘buzzkill,’ he said.  So they discussed random shit, most of which came from Ellie’s head.

She was pretty tired.  At one point she’d lain down, but when she realized she’d never be able to resist sleep that way, she’d returned to sitting in her corner.  Max had told her to go ahead and take a nap if she felt like it.  She felt like it, she just stubbornly refused to give in to fatigue.  How could she when she hadn’t seen Joel?  And she had to keep him from killing Max, should he be so inclined.  She was getting that weird feeling again that maybe Joel wasn’t real.  Like she’d made him up.  She’d always been alone and would always be alone.

“You don’t have to work in the morning, do ya?” Max asked her presently.

“Nope.  Why, d’you think I’ll have a hangover?”  Ellie wondered what those felt like.

“Yeah, you might.  Maybe you should cool it on that shit.”

“Not yet, there’s still some left!”

Max laughed.  “No no no, you ain’t finishin’ that whole thing.  It’s too much.  How much you got left?  Lemme see it.”  She handed it to him and he sloshed its contents around a little.  “You drank maybe half.  That’s a shitload for a little girl, ‘specially one who ain’t used to drinkin’.  Even though you’re goin’ slow.”

“Not so little,” Ellie grumbled, snatching it back from him and taking a swig like it was proof of her toughness.  “Are  _you_  workin’ tomorrow?”

“Day after.”

“You just got back from the… monthy—month—ack! Month- _leee_  thing, right?”  Every time she flubbed a word she had to giggle.  Her voice sounded thick to her own ears.  Max sounded normal, and he’d been drinking longer than she had.  “So what’re you doing, guarding?”

“I ain’t militia no more.”

“Really?  You quit?  You can do that?”

“Naw.  Got kicked off.   _Someone_  thought I showed up drunk for my shift.”

“What?   _Were_ you drunk?”

“Not at all.  I’d had one beer.”  He shrugged and slouched a little more in his corner.  “S’fine.  I still do the deliveries… supply runs… an’ my favorite, scouting.  That’s what I’m doin’ next.”

“Why’sat your fav’rite?”

“Less people.  Sometimes it’s even just me.”

“You _like_ it that way?  Iznit scary?  What if you get lost, or hurt…”

“Then I get lost or hurt.”

Ellie couldn’t imagine being out there without Joel.  Even when he’d been so sick, she’d found his presence soothing.  She felt sorry for Max.  It was sad that he wanted to be alone like that, that he wasn’t as close to anyone as she was to Joel— _no, USED to be, Ellie.  You’re not close now.  Now it hurts to even think about him._ “You alone this next time?”

“Maybe.  G might come.”

“Zoe’s dad?  What’siz real name again?”

“Gawonii.”

Ellie was usually pretty good with names, but this one was unusual enough that it didn’t stick; the nickname would suffice.  Max had told her it meant ‘he is talking’ in Cheyenne, which was kind of funny because the dude didn't talk all that much.  Ellie had no idea what her own name meant or why her mother had chosen it.  “Where you goin’?”

“Followin’ up on a tip I got ‘bout a hospital that’s s’posedly pretty functional, in Idaho.  If they’re legit, they’d be a good ally.  Might be able to trade ‘em some of our dope for medical supplies… or even services -- kinda far for that, but we’ll see.  I’ll be back Saturday.”

“Can I go with you?” Ellie blurted out without even thinking.

Max chuckled.  “Maybe you should wait ‘til the second trip where Tommy or—“

“No!  I might need to leave soon!”  She didn’t really think that the knife thing would get her in _that_ much trouble –- she hadn’t _really_ hurt anyone, after all -- but suddenly the idea of leaving was very appealing.  It would only be for a few days.  Joel obviously didn’t care -- he hadn’t even found her yet tonight.  _Then he’ll be sorry!_ “Pleeeeease?  I won’t bug you, I won’t say a word the whole time if you want -- and I can shoot real good, if we run into like bandits or hunters or Infected or whatever… please?”

“You’re kind of drunk,” he observed.  Like it mattered?!

“Nooooo jus’ tipsy!”  She liked that word.  “Max, pleeeeeeeeeez?” she beseeched him in a tone she hoped was cute, not obnoxious.  _Then add the puppy eyes…_

“What makes you say you need to leave?”

“Um… stuff?”

“Such as?” he prompted.

“Just… stuff.”

“Big secret?”

  
“Kind of.  Yeah.”  Max was studying her as if he could figure out her secret if he looked hard enough.  She giggled.  “Are you trying to read my mind?  Like in that movie... whatwuzit… Star Track?  You're doing it wrong.”

“Talk to me tomorrow.  When you’re sober.”

“No I wanna talk _now_!  I won’t change my mind—“

Max interrupted her.  “Ssshhhhh.  I think there might be trouble headed this way.”

The meaning of his words didn’t quite register so she didn’t lower her volume.  “Not ssshhhh, you mean the egg is in the asshole—no!  Hee! I mean -- shit, what was it—“

“Yep, it’s trouble, and it’s comin’ over here pretty fast,” he said quietly, jerking his head towards the street.

Ellie followed his gaze… _omigod it’s Joel! FINALLY!_ “Then I better drink s’much as I can,” she whispered, giggling as she took a larger swig than usual.  For the first time all night, she wasted some:  a little bit dribbled on her shirt, thanks to the giggle.  “Fuck!  Sorry!”  Anticipating that Joel would come up to ‘her’ corner of the truck, she scooted away from it, towards Max.  He was leaning into the corner, so she couldn’t sit right up alongside him without being in his lap –- and that might be a teensy bit awkward.  She settled for slouching next to his leg, her forearm over his right knee like it was an armrest.

Joel did seem to reach the truck pretty quickly, approaching the side she’d just abandoned.  And he looked pretty fucking pissed off.  “Ellie, what the fuck are you doin’?!” he bellowed.

She was so happy to see him, and to see him angry as ever… that familiar scowl… the fists clenching… _he DOES care!_ She actually forgot she was upset with him for a moment.  “Joel!  Hiiiiii!” she chirped.  She waved the flask in the air, but not close enough to him that he could snatch it from her.  “D’you want some whiskey?  Come up’n’sit with us!  We can pull the thingie up so you have a corner…”

“I have been lookin’ _every_ where for you.”

“Really?”  Oh, how thrilled she was to hear that!  She assumed an innocent expression, though.  “Why?  Clicker knew I waz ‘ith Annie.  Didn’choo ask him?”  ...as if having been with Annie explained where she was now?  _Okay, that doesn't really make sense, I guess I can cut him some slack..._

“I _went_ to the farm.  An’ the house, an’ Tommy’s, an’ up’n’down all those goddamn streets you were at earlier.  I went to the burnt houses.  All over the fuckin’ place, an’ then I find you sittin’ here with this piece of shit?!”  He edged around to the tailgate.

“He’s my friend!” she said, trying to sound angrier than she was.  Max didn’t seem to take offense; if anything, he seemed mildly amused, which would surely enrage Joel further if he noticed.  At least Max was keeping quiet.  She shifted so that she was positioned completely between the two men, sitting in front of Max’s crooked leg, hoping to obscure him from Joel’s view as much as possible.

“He ain’t your friend.  Now get your ass down here.”

She _did_ feel a bit annoyed now.  Why did he think he could just order her around like that?  Maybe he’d gotten away with it before, but now… “No,” she said, miffed.  “’m staying here.”

“The hell you are.  Come on.”

“No!  Whattayou care if I stay?”

Joel just scowled.  “If you don’ get outta this truck…”

 _You’ll drag me out,_ Ellie finished his sentence in her head.  And with her out of the way, he could do whatever he wanted to her buddy.  She had to protect him.  “’k, jus’… wait.  I’ll get out.  But can we talk firs’?  You’re too… mad.”  _I need to talk him down… but I also want to piss him off… aaargggh!_

“We can talk when you come down,” Joel growled.

“Uh-uh.  You’re pissed ‘n’ you won’t hit me so you’ll take it out on Max whichiz toootally uncool ‘n’ unfair cuz I like  _forced_  ‘im to gimme it an’ ‘e wuz like ‘Ellie are you suuuure’ ‘n’ I said ‘hell yeah’ ‘n’ even then ‘e wuz relutt— re-LUCK-tent.”  She paused to giggle.  “My voice sounds funny.  But ‘m not drunk.  I’m tip--  _tipppsssyy._ ”

“Jus’ get out.  Let’s go.”  Joel was not amused, but she thought he sounded a teensy bit less angry.  Maybe.

“Not ‘til you swear you’ll leave Max alone.  Anjoo hafta  _mean_ it.”

Joel groaned.  “Ellie, I ain’t in the mood for this shit, now come  _on_.”

Max poked her in the back.  “Hey,” he said.  She turned to look at him.  He kept his voice so low it was barely audible.  “You don’t have to go with him if you don’t wanna.  Does he… are you afraid of him when he’s angry?”

Ellie assumed Joel hadn’t heard that, because he would have had _some_ kind of reaction to such a question.  She didn’t want Max to think Joel was abusive to her or something.  “No, ‘course not!  It’s okay, I’ll go, bu’ not if ‘e’s gonna hurt you.”

“Ellie.  _Now_ ,” snarled Joel, ever-impatient.

Max nodded, smiling a little… trying to be… agreeable, maybe?  His expression had lost the cockiness that she was sure would piss Joel off even more.  “Go on, then.  S’okay.”

“Noooo, ‘e didn’  _swear_ ,” she grumbled.  She turned back to Joel.   _Oooo dizzy again…_ “Joel, I can’t letchoo hurt ‘im.  I’ll go with you if you swear.”

“You’ll come with me regardless ‘cause I ain’t leavin’ you here.”

 _Yes!  Just what I wanted you to say!_ Ellie hoped she didn’t look overly happy, although her face betrayed her by smiling before her sluggish brain caught up.  She felt pretty woozy.  It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation, really, except that her stomach was churning almost painfully.  She’d dropped the flask at some point... which was fine, as her stomach was telling her not to drink any more, not even solely to antagonize Joel.  She scooted over to slouch against Max’s side of the truck, along with his left leg.  “Um… I’m tired, can I take a nap firs’?”

“No.  You can sleep in your bed.  C’mon.”

“I can sleep at Max’s place.”  Ellie had completely pulled that out of her ass… not that Max protested.

“What?!  No, you can’t.  Come over here an’ I’ll help you down.”

“I don’ wantchoo to kill ‘im!” she cried.

Joel sighed.  “I ain’t lookin’ to fight, Ellie, I jus’ wanna get you home.”

Ellie stared at him.  Joel was often hard to read, and the crappy lighting didn’t help, but… she kind of believed him.  “Really?  Okay… but, Tommy’s.  Right?”

“If you want.”

“Mmkay.”  She crawled over to the open tailgate and swung her legs over, then reached for Joel.  He put his arms around her and pulled her off the truck, and she felt her throat constrict with tears.  _What the fuck?_ She hugged him as hard as she could; she didn’t feel too steady on her feet, but that wasn’t the real reason.

“You all right?”  Joel asked softly.

And just like that, he sounded like her sweet Joel again.  She didn’t trust herself to speak at that moment.  “Mmhmm,” she mumbled.  Joel tried to shift her over to his side, but she was gripping him too tightly to budge without force.

“Hey,” he said, chuckling.  “C’mon, I got you.  Jus’ keep your arm around me… there you go.  You’re cold.  Here—“

“No!  Warm on th’inside.”  _Just keep YOUR arm around me and I’ll stay warm._ She smiled at Max.  “Thanks.  That wuz fun.  ‘Night!”

Max nodded.  “Take care, hon.  I’ll talk to ya tomorrow.”

“Oh no you won’t,” Joel growled.  Ellie hugged his side tightly.  If he wanted to hop up in the truck and have a go at Max, he’d have to push her down to break free, and she didn’t think he’d do that.  “You stay away from her.   _I_ will talk to youtomorrow.”

 _Shit._ Ellie was afraid Joel’s ‘talk’ would be more physical than verbal, but maybe she could diffuse his anger overnight, at least a little.  “Joel!  ’s not ‘is fault.  I pratt— _prack-_ tic’ly attacked ‘im.”

“Mm.  I’m sure.  C’mon.”  They started slowly walking down the street.  More like hobbling, really.  Ellie thought she was probably capable of walking without leaning on Joel, but she didn’t want to let him go to find out.  “I think you should come home, kiddo.”

“If I do arya gonna sleep in the bed?” she asked hopefully.

“No.  Keep your voice down,” he reminded her, glancing around furtively.

“Oopsie, our seeeeecret,” she stage-whispered.

Joel wasn’t done being angry with her, either.  “Ellie, what the fuck were you thinkin’?  Sittin’ out here at night gettin’ drunk with a prick you don’ even know, all alone—“

“No!  Lotsa people came by!  AND ‘m not drunk AND ‘e’s not a prick AND now I know ‘im.”

“You’re slurrin’ your words an’ you can’t walk:  you’re drunk.  An’ whatever you think you know about him ain’t true.  He got you drunk to piss me off.”

“What?  Tha’sso dumb!  Why would ‘e even  _care_ —“

“’Cause he’s an asshole, that’s why.  I can’t believe you, how careless you were.  You can’t jus’… he coulda hurt you.  Where’s your gun?  Not that you could even use it in your current state.”

Ellie was glad he’d noticed her gunlessness.  He was passing all her little tests.  “No one ‘n this town wou’ _dare_ hurt me.  Too scareda you.  Big bad scary Joely…” Ellie giggled, which seemed to aggravate her roiling stomach.  She stopped walking.  “Oww…”

“It ain’t funny.”  Joel dragged her a step before he realizing she’d stopped.  “What’s wrong?  You gonna throw up?”

“No, I wish.  That’d prob’ly make it feel better.”  Joel pulled her forward and she walked a few more steps before stopping again.  “I needta lie down.”

“You can lie down at home.”

“Tommy’s!” she corrected him.  She started to slump to the ground, but Joel held her up.  “‘m too tired… tummy hurts…”

Joel groaned.  “That’s what you get for gettin’ wasted.  Keep movin’.”

Ellie wanted him to carry her, but she couldn’t just flat-out  _ask_ him to.  If she just made walking too difficult for him… “I can’t,” she whined, keeping her body limp.

“Ellie, knock it off.”  He hitched her up a little, but Ellie refused to be anything but dead weight and started sliding down his leg the second he eased his grip on her.  This time he let her plop down on her butt.

“Go ‘head, I’ll catch up later,” she said nonchalantly.  She lay down on her back on the gravelly road, clutching her stomach.  It really did feel better than walking.  “Ohhh so comfy!  G’night…”

Joel sighed.  “You know I ain’t gonna leave you layin’ in the street like a corpse.”

That remark made her giggle a little.  “So lay here with me!”

“C’mon, sit up.  I’ll carry you.”

“Good idea!”  She didn’t sit up, but she held her arms out so Joel could pull her up.  She wondered if he would sling her over his shoulder, or…

“Put your arms around my neck… there you go.”  He scooped her up like she weighed nothing.  She felt dizzy again… in a good way.

Ellie kept forgetting she was mad at him; her heart swelled with love. “Sorry ‘m such a pain in the ass.”   _But not sorry enough that I won’t get drunk every night if that’s what it takes to be this close to you…_

Joel just grunted.  “Why’re your pants wet?”

Surely her jeans must be mostly dry by now -- the rest of her was.  She’d truly stopped noticing.  She giggled again.  “I didn’ pee ‘n ‘em if thasswhat you think!”

“That’s good, seein’ as how it’s your _legs_ that’re wet.”

She kept laughing.  “Like it rolled alllllll th’way down?  Maybe ‘s not jus’ my legz!”  She stopped short of _actually_ suggesting that he feel her crotch.

“Jus’ let me know if you’re gonna puke an’ I’ll set you down.”

“Oww!  Stop makimme laugh,” she gasped.

Joel finally chuckled.  “Nothin’ I’ve said’s been even remotely funny, silly girl.”

If it weren’t for feeling kind of shitty physically, things would be perfect.  Last night had never happened, it wasn’t real.  She was, literally, in Joel’s arms, once again the happiest girl in the world.  

She should have realized it sooner, but it wasn’t until their surroundings went dark, lit only by the moon, that Ellie noticed they weren’t going the right way.  “Joel -- Tommy’s!  Turn ‘round!”

“You’ll be fine in your own bed.”

“ _Your_ bed.  I can’t sleep innit.  ‘less…didjoo change’r mine?”  _Could this get any more perfect?!_

Joel didn’t answer.  Maybe he wanted to talk to her about it… about all of it!   _Yeah, right.  Don’t count on it.  He said no earlier._ Still, it was hard to keep her hope in check.   _Maybe I just need to act like his silence means yes, if he needs convincing…_ “Ohhhh thank you, Joel!  You won’be sorry, I swear.  I’ll be good.  I’ll liv’ith you forever.  I… I feel kinda…  _sick…_ ”

Joel swiftly set her down and she dropped to her knees.  She knew she’d feel better if she threw up but now she really didn’t want to.  She kept swallowing, trying to stave it off.  Vomiting was decidedly unsexy, uncute, and unflattering.  “Go ‘way!” she barked at Joel.

“It’s all right, let it up—“

“Don’ watch me!”

“It’s dark, I can’t see nothin’.”

“Jus’—“ She couldn’t hold it back.  Not only did Joel not go away, he sat next to her and attempted to hold back the raggedy locks of hair not contained by her ponytail as she retched with, in her recollection, the most godawful, loud, disgusting noises ever issued from her body.  She sat there panting for a few moments, then did it again.  “Gross.”

“Done?”  He rubbed her back with slow, soothing strokes.  Clearly he didn’t care about the no-touching thing, at least for the moment.

She spit in the dirt and wiped her mouth on her sleeve.  “Yeah.  So fucking embar’ssing.”

“Y’know, if you kept on drinkin’, you mighta got alcohol poisonin’.  You can  _die_  from that, Ellie.”

Ellie wanted to be coddled, not lectured.  “Well, I didn’t.  I knew whenta stop.  I could feel it.”

“Obviously not or you wouldn’ve jus’ puked your guts out.  You can thank your new friend, upstanding citizen that he is, for givin’ you too much—“

“No no no it wuz me – ‘e kept sayin’ go slow.  Which I did… ‘til th’ end.”

“The motherfucker shouldn’ve given it to you in the first place.  You are  _not_ gonna do that again.  You ain’t gonna see him at all, do you hear me?”

“Whatever,” Ellie scoffed.  Joel just  _loved_  to forbid her to talk to other men, like he had any right to.  She didn’t want to fight with him now, though.  “Can we just go?”

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”  He stood up, helped Ellie up… but made no move to carry her again.  “Can you walk now?”

She would settle for leaning into him.  Which was better, actually, because she was afraid her breath stank like puke now.  When they reached the house, Joel had her lean against the wall by the door while he fetched the key.  Her head was spinning, not unpleasantly.  She was more concerned that her exhaustion would make her fall asleep as soon as she lay down, and she wanted to relish every minute she could play ‘pretend’ with Joel.   _Or maybe not-pretend?!  If he changed his mind…_

As soon as they got inside, she headed straight for the bathroom, fumbling through the dark before Joel could even switch on a light. Her toothbrush was at Tommy’s, so she finger-brushed with a dab of toothpaste.  She used the toilet.  Splashed water on her face.  She did not change out of her clothes; she hadn’t brought her nightshirt to the bathroom, and besides, if Joel wasn’t going to sleep in that bed with her, she’d have to leave.  Tired as fuck that she was, she would probably be able to sleep in it tonight, but it was the principle of the thing.  She’d told Joel she wanted to go to Tommy’s -- a decision he knew to be based on his refusal to sleep in the bed -- and he’d brought her here, so he damn well better have changed his mind about it.

She scuttled over to the bed and sat on the edge of it, wanting to flop over but not allowing herself.  Joel came in with a glass of water and sat next to her.  “Drink.  You’re dehydrated.  An’ it’ll help you not feel as hungover in the mornin’.”

Ellie accepted the glass from him and took a few gulps of water, eyeing him suspiciously.  “Don’t you  _want_  me to be hungover?  Teach me a lesson, all that shit?”

“I prob’ly should.  But no, I don’ want you to suffer needlessly.”

 _Could’ve fooled me._ But she just grunted into the water.  He wasn’t sitting as close to her as she would have liked.  She wondered if he was going to try to be ‘proper’ with her now.  Joel the Dad.

“Your voice sounds a ‘lil better than before,” he observed.

It still sounded rather muffled to Ellie.  Sitting up was requiring too much effort.  She finished the water and handed the glass back to Joel.  “You’re gonna sleep in here with me, right?”

He set the glass on the nightstand.  “I’ll stay here ‘til you fall asleep.  All right?”

Unfortunately, she’d probably be asleep in five minutes.  She didn’t have the energy to negotiate.  “Okay.”  She let herself fall sideways into him -- rather awkwardly, her head on his elbow.  He shifted a little and let her head rest on his thigh.  He even started petting her hair.  Again, she inexplicably felt like she could cry.  She swallowed the feeling.  “Why’d you trick me?”

“Trick you how?”

“Bringing me here.”  She forgot to wait for an answer.  “Mmm I’m gonna sleep like this.  You have to stay.”

Joel chuckled.  “You ain’t even all the way on the bed.  An’ you’re still dressed.”

“S’okay.”

“C’mon.”  Joel slithered away from her and she couldn’t even attempt to stop him.

“Don’t go!” she cried.

“I’m right here.”  He shifted her up higher on the bed, then swung her legs up into his lap –- he was taking off her shoes and socks.  “I’ll get your nightshirt…”

“Uh-uh.  Too tired.  I’m good.”  She closed her eyes and enjoyed feeling like a pampered princess who didn’t even have to take her own shoes off.

“You’ll be a lot more comfortable in the shirt.”

“I slept in my clothes for like a year.  I’ll live.”  Besides, he’d probably leave the room while she changed and never come back.

Joel sighed again.  “Your jeans need to dry out.”

She opened her eyes a smidge and smiled sleepily at him.  “You can take ‘em off if you want.”

She’d expected an immediate ‘no,’ but apparently he was considering it.

 _Time to switch gears!_ “Joel, can you?  Please?  I’d be sooo much more comfy.  I’m too tired to sit up.  Please please please?”  She tried to paw at his arm, but he was just out of her reach, and she couldn’t sit up to do it if she was ‘too tired,’ now, could she.

“I’m sure you can do it yourself.”

“No I can’t!  Pleeeeeease?  I’ll never ask you for anything else as long as I live!”

Joel chuckled.  “Is that so?  Why don’ I believe you?”

A nagging little voice in Ellie’s head said it might very well be true if Joel turned back into a jerk in the light of day, but she wasn’t in the mood to listen to it, and she certainly wasn’t going to spoil the moment.  “C’mon, it’s not like you haven’t seen my underwear before.  And it’s dark in here.  You don’t even have to see, really.”  

Suddenly she wished she remembered which panties she was wearing… if they were one of the less-ugly pairs.   _Does it matter?  I hope not, since I can’t do anything about it now._

“It’s a bit diff’rent when you’re wearin’ ‘em.”

Ellie was pretty sure he’d seen them on her body before, too… innocently, in the course of sharing the bed.  But she didn’t want to remind him of any supposed impropriety in that regard.  “I’ll toss’n’turn all night if I have to keep wearing these… I’ll prob’ly roll over on my stomach and the button will like, jab into my flesh…”

Joel laughed at that.  “All right, all right.  The things I do for you…”

Ellie giggled, then reminded herself she shouldn’t be giggling like a little girl if she wanted Joel to think of her as a woman.  She felt slightly nervous.   _Why?  It’s not like he’s undressing you for sex, Ellie -- you wish._ At the same time, she felt like she wasn’t as alert as she should be… like she might doze off before he even finished pulling her pants off.  It wasn’t all that dark in the room, really, with the light from the hallway spilling in, but he seemed fuzzy and shadowy and far away.

His fingers grazed her stomach, tickling a little as he unbuttoned her fly, but she managed to stifle another unwomanly giggle.   _I should be doing something, or saying something.  Something sexy.  But what?!  -No, I don’t want him to think I have ulterior motives for getting him to depants me… even though I totally do… just don’t fall asleep don’t fall asleep don’t fall asleeeeeeep~_

She couldn’t keep her eyes open.  Maybe that’s why she didn’t feel as embarrassed or self-conscious as she thought she would… she felt completely relaxed.  He unzipped her with deft fingers, and in spite of her drunken fatigue, she felt a tingle of excitement, a yearning to feel his hands on her.  He had a bit more difficulty sliding her pants down (thanks to the wet patches?), but Ellie tried to shift herself helpfully, and he managed it with minimal skin-to-skin contact.  “’kay, now my top.  Please?”

“Uh, no.  Like you said, you’ll live.”  She felt him pulling the blanket out from beneath her, drawing it up over her body to her chin. 

“But… my bra…”

“Tough shit.”  He sat down beside her.

“Just unhook it?  After I fall asleep, even… if you don’t wanna…” She let out a big yawn.

Joel sighed… or maybe that was a yawn, too.  He was quiet.

“Stay with me,” she murmured.

“I’m right here.  Go to sleep, now.”  He smoothed her hair back off her face, and that was the last thing she remembered of the night.  Or maybe the second-to-last thing… she thought she heard him say _“love you, baby girl,”_ but… no, of course Joel would never say such a thing.  She was just having a sweet dream… one that she wouldn’t remember in the morning.


	27. About Last Night...

Ellie mushed her oatmeal around dully in the bowl.  Her head still felt funny, but she wouldn’t categorize the feeling as a headache… more of an annoying-but-painless throbbing.  Like she didn’t usually think about the fact that she had a head and now she was acutely aware of it.  She didn’t feel very hungry, just thirsty.  Joel was making her eat.  Probably because Ellie had made the mistake of saying she had to go see Annie, and he couldn’t let her leave without sitting her down for a lecture first.  She’d quickly realized that there was no need to get her hopes up about his wanting to talk to her; it was obvious nothing had changed, that last night was merely him feeling sorry for the pathetic drunk girl.

He sat across from her at the table, watching her toy with her breakfast.  Frowning.  Disappointed in her, no doubt.  “Do you wanna tell me what you were doin’ gettin’ drunk with that douchebag?”

“Do I want to?  No.”  She couldn’t help being a smartass when he made it so easy.

“Tell me anyhow.”

“What’s to tell?  I felt like drinking.”

“You saw him at the party?”

“Nope.  On the way there.  He was hanging out in the truck.  I went back later.”

“You left the party… to go sit in that truck with him?”

“Uh-huh.”

“ _Why?!_ ”

Ellie shrugged.   _To piss you off.  Because I was upset.  Because why the fuck not?_

“You ever hang out with him before this?”

She shook her head.

“An’ it didn’ occur to you that he might…” Joel looked uncomfortable.

“What, that he’s not a nice guy?” Ellie smirked.  “Of course it did.  I didn’t get a bad vibe so I thought, what the hell.  Besides, I can take care of myself.”

Predictably, Joel scoffed at that.  “You couldn’ even  _walk._   You really think…  _Jesus,_  Ellie, what do you think woulda happened if I hadn’ found you when I did?”

“Nothing!  He’s not the jerk you think he is, Joel.  He was really nice.”  Ellie couldn’t tell Joel that she wasn’t quite as inebriated last night as she’d led him to believe  –- that would expose her manipulations and chip away at what little pride she had left.  “If you hadn’t come along, he probably would’ve just walked me back to Tommy’s.  Or left me sleeping in the truck maybe.”  The look on Joel’s face said he was imagining something different.   _Good.  Let him be jealous._

“You don’ know that.  Some guys… they might seem real nice at first, but when a girl gets so drunk she don’ know what’s goin’ on, they take advantage.”

Ellie  _could_ have assured him that Max never laid a hand on her the whole time.  But why should she do that?  Let him wonder… just a little while.  Not long enough to get Max killed.  “Not him.  If he was gonna ‘take advantage,’ he could’ve done it before you got there.  We’re just friends,” she added casually. 

“You are  _not_ friends.”

“That’s not up to you.  You’re not my dad, you’re not my boyfriend, I can hang out with whoever I damn well please.”  Ellie didn’t care if she sounded bratty.  It was the truth!

Joel sighed.  “I’m tryin’ to look out for you.  Keep you safe.”

“Well, you can stop now.  Your job is done.  I don’t have to do what you say anymore.”

“My job?  You mean the smugglin’… the trip?”

“Yeah.  I dunno.  Everything.”  She stared at her spoon as she twirled it around in the bowl.  She didn’t know what she meant, really.  She didn’t actuallywant Joel to stop caring what she did, even if it did annoy her sometimes.  But she also didn’t think he’d actually stop caring just because she told him to.   _This is so stupid.  But he’s making me be like this._

“I ain’t ‘done’ with you, Ellie.  Jus’ ‘cause I can’t give you what you want—“

“You  _can_ , you just  _refuse_  to.  There’s a difference.”  She could feel him staring at her, so she kept her eyes in her bowl.  She was already in a constant state of embarrassment, knowing that he didn’t return her feelings -- or returned them up to a point but didn't have the balls to act, which meant they weren't on the same level as hers.  Now she had last night to feel ashamed about on top of that.  _Did I really ask him to take my clothes off???  I did.  God, now he probably thinks I’m a slut as well as a dumb kid._

Realizing that she’d better eat if she wanted to ever leave this table, she stopped using the spoon as a tool to make patterns in the oatmeal and started feeding herself with it instead.  Joel didn’t have a retort ready for that last remark of hers, and he still hadn’t said anything.  Ellie didn’t feel the need to fill the silence.  Things were plenty awkward as it was, a little more awkwardness wouldn’t hurt.  Although she did wish he’d stop looking at her like… _like what?  -Like I’m a problem he has to solve.  An unwanted burden._

Finally he spoke.  “I don’ know what to do to make things… better, for you.  To make things right.”

 _Damn right you don’t._ “There’s nothing you can do,” she said coolly.  “Don’t do anything.  You do your thing and I’ll do mine.”

“My _thing_ is makin’ sure you don’ get hurt by some lowlife sc—“

“You’re a fucking hypocrite!”  Now she glared at him.  “Max didn’t hurt me, and he’s not _going_ to hurt me.  I can’t say the same for you.”

She could tell that stung, and she was glad.  Joel sighed again.  “I’m sorry for that.  You know I am.  I can’t… change anything, or undo what’s done.  I’m tryin’ to… jus’… find a way to move forward.”

Ellie shoveled a large spoonful in her mouth to buy an extra moment to think.  _Move forward?  I just want to go back.  Pretend I never said a fucking thing, so we can still cuddle on the couch and fall asleep in each other’s arms.  So I can look at you and not overflow with shame and regret._   “We can’t.  There’s like… nowhere to go, looking forward.”

“Yes, there is.  We stick together, an’ we’ll figure it out.”

Stick together, but from a distance.  Right.  “You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.”

Ellie snorted.  “You still won’t get it.  Everything’s so _easy_ for you.”

“What?  None of this is easy for me!”

“You think everything can just go on like normal, like I didn’t fucking—“  _Shut up, Ellie, don’t give him anything._ “Well, it can’t, okay?  I can’t even stand to be around you now.  So if I wanna go be with other people –- if that’s what makes things better –- you have to fucking let me.  It’s _my_ life.  It has nothing to do with you!”

That last was a lie, of course, designed to hurt him.  _Everything_ had to do with Joel.  It really was scary, how much she’d let herself need him.  She had to remedy that.

Joel started to say something but stopped.  He ran his hands through his hair and held his head for a moment before dropping his elbows back down on the table.  “Ellie, I can’t jus’ let you run wild an’ do whatever the hell you want.  I won’t force you to spend time with me, but if you need a friend, go hang out with Annie.  Talk to Maria an’ Tommy when they get back.  Don’ find some random guy to get shitfaced with jus’ to… to prove you _can_.  I know you can make better choices than that.”

“Pffff.  Max isn’t random.”  _Time to twist that knife a little deeper and exaggerate some shit…_ “I told you, he’s my friend.  He listens.  He understands me.  He treats me like an adult.  We sort of like… _clicked._   And before you say he’s only trying to get in my pants –- he’s not.  You know G, right?  His daughter was Max’s girlfriend.”

Joel looked a little confused.  “She’s dead, ain’t she?”

“Yeah.  Before they got here, she got infected and—“ Suddenly it occurred to Ellie that Max may have told her things privately that he wouldn’t necessarily want Joel to know.  “She died.”

“What’s that got to do with your pants?”

“Duh -- he loved her.  Still does.  He’s not… you know, _that_ type of guy.”  Max hadn’t actually said any of that, but Ellie felt that he _would_ have, if he’d been more vocal on the subject.  _Guys and their stupid macho egos_. 

Joel shook his head and… _smiled_.  It surprised Ellie for a moment, until she realized it was an Ellie-don’t-be-so-stupid smile.  “The motherfucker’s playin’ you.  Tryin’ to get your sympathy an’ make himself seem like a sensitive shmuck in the process.”

That was so ridiculous that Ellie had to laugh.  “Are you serious?  You don’t even know him!  And you think— Jesus, Joel, why would he even— he doesn’t  _care_  what people think of him.  What  _I_  think of him.  He wasn’t trying to, like… make me feel any particular way…”

“I don’ know him?  I know enough.  You know I’ve never liked him—“

“Yeah, and you never gave me a reason why.  You don’t like loads of people.  So, you don’t like him.  You don’t have to  _dis_ like him.”

“I don’ give a shit one way or the other about most people, which is different from not likin’ ‘em.  But _he_ is an arrogant son of a bitch, ain’t that reason enough?”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “ _Lots_ of guys are cocky.  You are too, ya know.”

“All the more reason.”

“Whatever.”  Maybe Joel didn’t like Max because he reminded him of himself?  Not that he’d admit it, or even recognize it.  She wouldn’t go there.  “He hasn’t said a single bad thing about  _you_.”

“He don’ like me any more than I like him, trust me.  I’m surprised he ain’t tryin’ to paint me as the bad guy.”  Joel snorted.  “Actually, no, that’s smart.  He knew we’d be havin’ this talk an’ now I’m doin’ it myself, because I ain’t buyin’ the bullshit he’s sellin’ you.”

“Why do you think it’s all about you?!   _I_ went to  _him_ , remember?  He’s not trying to like, lure me away from you or something.  Not that he even has to.  You got rid of me on your own.”   _Or you may as well have._ She resumed playing with the remains of her oatmeal as an excuse not to look at him.

He didn’t get mad, though.  “No, I didn’t.  You need your space, an’ that’s fine.  Whenever you’re ready, I’m here, an’ I want you to be here, too.  In the meantime, don’ go doin’ stupid shit like drinkin’ with men twice your age… or anyone else, for that matter.”

“Or what?  You’ll lock me up?”   _I don’t want space.  I want you to love me, and I fucked that up so now you won’t._

Joel sighed.  “It ain’t a threat.  It’s… me wantin’ you to be safe.  You shouldn’ trust people so easily.”

“Yeah, no shit.”  She shot him a glare just to see him wince.

Only he didn’t.  He was becoming immune to her little barbs.  And he wasn’t done lecturing her.  “Alcohol can make you do things you might not do otherwise.  It lowers your inhibitions.  An’ remember, he was drinkin’, too.  Even if he was the nicest guy in the world -- which he sure as hell ain’t -- it could change his behavior.  He might’ve… tried somethin’.”

If Ellie wasn’t so annoyed, she might have found it cute that Joel wouldn’t directly say what he meant.  He already thought she was a slut after last night, so she might as well go with it… “’Tried somethin’ ’?  You mean like, maybe we would’ve had sex?  At least then I’d know what it feels like.”

She’d said it for pure shock value, and the expression on Joel’s face did not disappoint.  “Damnit, Ellie, you can’t jus’—“  He looked like he wanted to hit something.  Instead, he shoved his chair back and stood up.  Ellie calmly finished her oatmeal while he started pacing.  “I know you’re pissed at me,” he grumbled.  “I get it.  If you said that jus’ to piss me off, all right… but… don’ start actin’ out an’ doin’ things that’ll hurt you in the long run jus’ to get back at me.”

She almost felt sorry for him.   _Almost_.  What was he supposed to say when she said shit like that anyway?  He hadn’t dismissed it as a joke -- he was worried she might actually do something crazy.  “How do you know it would hurt me?  Oh, wait, you mean cuz like, the first time always hurts for girls?  That’s what I heard, anyway.  I’m sure I can handle it.”  She proceeded to rinse her bowl out as if they were just having a casual conversation about the weather or some shit.

“Ellie, knock it off,” he growled.

 _Okay, so I took that a little too far to be believable._ Hopefully Joel would still be tortured from time to time by the thought of her first time being with a guy he couldn’t stand.  “You  _said_ you wanted me to be with someone else.  What’s the big deal?”

“When you’re older!  And not  _him_.”

“You’ll never think I’m old enough,” she muttered.  She gestured to her bowl and spoon in the sink.  “You don’t mind if I leave this here, do you?  It’s not like I never washed any of yours.”  Ellie knew he didn’t actually give a shit about the tableware and it would probably sit there unwashed for the next week.  “I’ve gotta get to the farm.”

“You’re off today.”

Ellie was pleased he still remembered her schedule for the week without even looking at the calendar.  “Yeah, but I have to make sure Annie’s—“   _No, wait, I don’t want him to know about her and Jacob!_ He’d just point to it as one more example of relationships not working out.  Maybe he’d say they were just too young.  Whatever he would say, Ellie was sure she didn’t want to hear it.  He could find out later from his _special friend_ , Esther.

“Annie’s what?” he prompted.  He stopped pacing and looked at her.

“Well, Mimi had the lambs last night and I want to see them.  Plus I get to name them.”  She went to the bedroom to put her shoes and socks on.

Joel followed her and leaned against the door jamb.  “Let me guess.  Fluffy an’… Curly.”

“Pfff.  That’s why  _I’m_  naming them.” 

He chuckled, and she accidentally smiled at him for a second.  She recovered quickly… but maybe not quickly enough.  He sat next to her on the bed, just where he’d sat last night.  “Tommy’s house will be empty tonight.  If you—“

“I’m not sleeping here, Joel.  I told you.  Not unless you change your mind about the bed.  Which you won’t,” she added, because she couldn’t let him think she was still holding out hope for that, or that she was trying to manipulate him into sleeping with her.  She was done with that tactic; it only made her feel more humiliated.  She concentrated on tying her shoelaces.  It felt like her brain was sore… _is it a hangover, or all the mind games I have to play with Joel?_

“You slept here last night,” Joel pointed out.

“Yeah -- against my will.”

“Slept real good though, didn’tcha?”

“I was fucking tired.”  She  _had_ slept well.  Deep, dreamless sleep.  She actually couldn’t have said if Joel was in the bed with her or not, that’s how sound it was.  She just assumed he wasn’t, because… she had to.  And she felt like somehow she would just _know_ , if he’d been there.  Also, Joel looked like shit.  She wondered if he’d gotten any sleep at all.  _Stubborn motherfucker.  He knows he sleeps better with me than he does alone and that’s still not enough reason for him to keep doing it._  

“That’s the general idea.  When you’re tired, you sleep.”

“Well, I’ll find somewhere else to sleep,” she said with matter-of-fact aloofness.  She could have slept at Tommy’s by herself.  Tommy didn’t care.  She just didn’t want to; being in that big house alone would probably creep her out.  ‘Somewhere else’ would most likely be Annie’s house.  But Joel could just wonder about that.

“You don’ have to.  This is still your home.  You belong here.”

“I don’t  _belong_ anywhere in this world, actually,” she said sulkily.

Joel frowned.  “What makes you say that?”

Ellie shrugged and left the room without answering.  Her backpack was still at Tommy’s.  If she decided to go with Max tomorrow, she’d need to come back here and retrieve some stuff.  She checked the calendar:  it indicated Joel should be working this afternoon.  She hoped it was accurate because she certainly wasn’t going to ask him now.

Joel returned to the front room.  “Ellie?  What did you mean by—“

“Nothing,” she groaned exasperatedly.  “Forget it.  I gotta go.”

“Nothin’, or nothin’ you feel like tellin’ me?”

“Does it matter?  It’s _nothing._ ”  _Fuck you.  I can’t talk to you anymore._

Joel let it go, at least.  “Will I see you at dinner?  At the farm?”

Dinner?  Oh, of course -- Esther, as his new best friend, would have invited him since Tommy was heading up to the dam today.  The thought of sitting there with the two of them playing footsie under the table made Ellie’s stomach lurch.  They’d never been flirtatious before, at least not that Ellie had noticed, but things might be different now… “No way,” Ellie blurted out before she thought better of it -- she didn’t want Joel to know she was bothered by them.  By the  _idea_  of them.

Joel took it in stride, though.  “All right.  Maybe I’ll catch you at the library then?  Or… how about I jus’ go home after dinner, that way if you want to go to the library you won’ have to worry ‘bout runnin’ into me there.  Sound good?”

Ellie was content to let him assume she simply didn’t want to see him.  It was better than stroking his ego by letting him know she was jealous.  Better than hearing him say he had every right to fuck whoever he wanted.  …Okay, so he probably wouldn’t say it like that.  But she didn’t want to hear it kindly phrased, either. “Whatever.”  As if she couldn’t care less what he did.

She was finally almost out the door… but Joel _still_ wasn’t done bugging her.  “Promise me you won’ go see that asshole.”

 _Man!  I was almost gone._ Ellie turned around and looked at him defiantly.  “I’ll see him if I want to see him.  You can’t stop me.”

“Then I’m… _askin_ ’ you not to.  Please.”

“Why should I do you any favors?” she said, not caring if she sounded like a spoiled brat.   _Fuck you, Joel.  You hang out with Esther, I’ll hang out with Max if I want to._

“It ain’t for me, it’s for you.  He’s bad news.”

“Bullshit it’s not for you!  He’s my friend.  Whether you believe it or not.”

“Ellie, he ain’t your friend, how many times do I have to tell you, he’s jus’ usin’ you to fuck with me!”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “Well, so what if he is?”   _I’m using him for the same reason.  It’s only fair, really!_

Joel sighed.  “You don’ care?  As long as I’m miserable, it’s all good.  Is that it?”

“Pretty much.  Yeah.”  If  _she_  had to be miserable, why shouldn’t Joel be?  It was all his fault.  He’d brought it on himself.  She might beat herself up over blowing it with Joel at times, but when he was the one trying to make her feel guilty about being a bitch to him afterwards, it riled up her fighting spirit or something… she couldn’t blame herself for Joel being a dick.  How was that her fault?

“Don’ be stupid.  I ain’t always gonna be around to keep you from gettin’ yourself in trouble.” 

Ellie bristled at the word ‘stupid.’   _Oh yeah, I’m just a helpless, naïve, idiotic child, right, Joel? Incapable of taking care of myself?_ “Who asked you to be?!” she fired back, a little more vehemently than she’d intended, but he really was starting to royally piss her off now.

“If I hadn’ shown up last night—“

“I would’ve been just fine!  I don’t need you!”  And now she was screaming at him.  It felt good to unleash some of the anger she’d been carrying around.  No matter what she said, she could never hurt him as much as he’d hurt her, and that was justification enough.

“You don’ know what woulda happened, Ellie!  You coulda passed out... woke up, found yourself alone an’ naked an’ not knowin’ what the hell happened.  Or found that you were hurt--”

 _Really?!_ “Uuuggghhh!  Stop it, Joel!  That didn’t happen because Max is a good person.  Not because _you_ showed up to save the day!”

“You sure looked happy to see me when I got there.”

“I wasn’t!”  A lie, of course.  But she was also angry with herself now for wanting to see him last night.  For being so fucking _weak_.  “I was happy cuz I was having fun, until _you_ showed up!  You just can’t stand it, that I was with another man.”

“What I can’t stand is that you’re bein’ so goddamn stupid an’ careless!”

“I wasn’t—“ Ellie groaned and turned back towards the door.  Again, nothing she could say was going to change his stubborn-as-fuck mind about it.  She was so angry she was actually shaking a little.  _Fuck this shit._ “Goodbye, Joel,” she said to the door on her way out.

“Ellie, wait—“

“No!”  She whirled around (a little too quickly for her head’s comfort, but fuck it!) and shot him the iciest of icy glares.  “When are you gonna get it through your thick head?!  I don’t _need_ you and I don’t _want_ you so just leave me the fuck alone already!   _God_!”

Joel threw his hands up in defeat.  “Fine!  Go do whatever the hell you want, then!”

“I will!”  She’d reallygotten to him this time.   _Good!  Motherfucker._ She could have left then; she’d made her point, and she even had the last word.  But she was on a roll, so she added, “Don’t come looking for me, don’t try to talk me into coming home.  You go your way, I’ll go mine.  I’ll be better off without you!”

She didn’t know what she expected him to do.  Burst into tears and beg her to stay?  That wasn’t in Joel’s DNA; she’d never seen him so much as shed a tear.  She couldn’t read any emotion on his face except anger.  “I get it.  Jus’ go!” he snapped.

 _‘Just go’?  Now that I want to have it out with him he gives up?  Fuck that shit!_ She slammed the door as hard as she could (another action her head didn’t like) and headed for the farm, feeling triumphant.   _Maybe he’ll come after me._

He didn’t.   She made it all the way to the fences Joel-free.  Had she gone too far this time?   _No.  If he really cares, he’ll still try to talk to me.  Maybe he’s just letting me cool off for a while first. …even though I’m cool already._   She  _liked_ that he was overprotective… that he couldn’t stand the thought of anything bad happening to her… that he cared more about her well-being than she did.  Did Joel know that she loved him for these things, even though they irritated her sometimes?  -Yes, of course he did.  She’d just spilled her guts a couple days ago babbling away like a complete moron, for fuck’s sake.

And the truth was, they probably  _did_  need time apart.  Joel didn’t love her the way she loved him.  Until she accepted that, seeing him was going to hurt like hell.  She didn’t want to accept it, she wanted to fight it... to change his mind about her.  Arguing with him and saying shit she didn’t mean wasn’t the best way to do that, she had to admit.  He’d actually lost patience with her this time.  How long would it be before he stopped caring altogether?

 _Stop feeling and start thinking.  Stay in_ _outside mode._ Their lives were so intertwined and the town was so small, it would take some serious detangling to avoid Joel.  Taking that little trip would be a good start.  It wasn’t just about Joel -- she wanted to get away from the whole damn town.  Life was simpler on the Outside.  Not easier, but simpler.  Maybe when she got back, she’d feel the same kind of appreciation for Jackson that she’d felt when they’d arrived.  Okay, that was probably a stretch… she probably wouldn’t be gone long enough for it to make much difference.   She’d be stronger, though.  She’d have time to sort things out in her mind without interference.  Thoughts of Jacob and Christine and maybe even Joel would just roll off her back like nothing.  She would be all business.  They could come up with a schedule for dinners and library time.  As far as where she slept, she could alternate between Annie’s house and Tommy and Maria’s, maybe even Clicker’s -- she liked his parents and they liked her.  In fact, she should get herself invited for dinner over there tonight -- one problem solved.  She would bounce around from place to place so as not to overstay her welcome at any of them.  She didn’t need a home, per se.  Having a roof over her head and a blanket to sleep with at night was luxury enough.

But she could worry about all that later.  First, she had to make sure Annie was okay, and cheer her up as best she could.  If Annie needed her and didn’t want her to take the trip, she wouldn’t go, but Ellie didn’t think she’d mind, especially if she wasn’t leaving them short-handed at the farm.  She would swap shifts with people to free her up for the next few days.  And actually… she couldn’t even tell Annie what she was doing, because even if she was sworn to secrecy, she might let something slip to Esther, who of course would blab to Joel.  She’d have to be vague.  Make it sound like she was camping out in Ghost Town or something.  If either of them let _that_ slip to Joel, he could waste time looking for her there if he wanted to.

And this was all assuming Max would even let her come.   _Shit!_ She’d better deal with that before fucking with her work schedule.  She could go find him at lunch time -- she didn’t particularly want to see Esther, so that would work out nicely.  She felt confident she could convince him to let her tag along; she could be pretty charming when she wanted to be.

Ellie felt stronger already.   _Fuck you, Joel -– that’s my new motto.  I really DON’T need you.  Not anymore._


	28. False Impressions

Ellie caught up to Max in the library that afternoon and persuaded him to join her in the magazine room, where they could talk privately.  She tried not to think about the last time she’d been there, with Annie.  Only a few weeks ago, although it felt like ages.  Ellie felt much older and wiser now.

Max was seated across from her at the center table.  “How’re you feeling?  Like a sledgehammer hit you?”

“Not really,” she answered honestly.  Her head still didn’t feel normal, but it wasn’t all that bad.  She’d certainly felt worse over the course of the past year, when she and Joel were roughing it every day.  Max didn’t look hung over to her… not that she knew what hungover people were supposed to look like, really.  “Are  _you_  okay?  Did Joel come talk to you?  You don’t have a black eye or anything so I’m guessing no?”

Max chuckled.  “Nope, haven’t had the pleasure yet.  Maybe he really does believe I was an innocent bystander and you came along and hijacked the liquor.”

Ellie snorted.  “He might leave you alone.  I dunno.  We sort of had this big fight.”  But if Joel did decide to talk to him, he would track him here if he went to the warehouse first and talked to Sue, Max’s mother.  Being thorough, he would likely check this room, but if they kept their voices low, she’d be safe.  It was imperative that Joel not find out she was planning to leave.  Fight or not, she thought he really might actually do something like lock her in a room somewhere if he felt he had to.  Maybe not, if he was fed up with her now… she had to at least take the possibility into account, though.

“About last night?”

“Yeah.  Anyway, so I was wondering… I get it if you say no cuz he told you to stay away from me and this would be like totally the opposite of that but I wasn’t just asking you cuz I was drunk -- tipsy, whatever -- I really do wanna go with you tomorrow if that’s okay with you?”  She paused only to take a breath, then continued babbling before he could answer.  “If you wanna be alone I swear I won’t say a word, I know it probably doesn’t seem like it but I can be quiet for hours at a time and you won’t even know I’m there, it could be like a don’t-speak-unless-spoken-to deal if you want so I don’t mess up your alone time?  And I really am good at shooting things, I’ll bring my bow and a few guns and bombs and if we run into trouble I’ll totally have your back, just ask Joel -- er, no, don’t ask him -- but I would!  And if you don’t want me around when we get there I could go hide out somewhere… I could guard the horses!  See, it’d be perfect!  And the ammo, too, if they make you ditch it at the door or whatever.”

“Are you done?”  He seemed amused -- hopefully that was a good sign.

“I am if you say yes,” she said with a grin.

“It’s fine by me.”

“ _Yes_!  Thank you!  Should I talk to G too?  If he’s going?”

“Naw… I bet if you go, he won’t.”

“Really?  Why?” she asked, a little miffed.  “I don’t even know him, what’s he got against me?”

“No no, it ain’t like that.  He don’t especially wanna go, he’d just do it to keep me from goin’ alone.”

“Oh!  So he’d be  _happy_ if I went!  Awesome.”  And a little strange.  Wasn’t there anyone else willing to accompany him?  Why would someone who didn’t want to go feel obligated?  What about the people who did the trading?  But Ellie kept those questions to herself.  “I thought you liked going alone, though… didn’t you say that?”

“I did.  I do.  It ain’t recommended, is all.  Your friend gonna let you go with me, you think?  I don’t see that happening.”

“Yeah, um, that’s the thing…” Ellie bit her lip.  “He can’t know I’m leaving town.  He might freak out.”

Max laughed heartily at that.  “Damn, girl, you must  _really_ wanna piss him off good.”

Ellie felt a blush creep over her face.   _Why?!  I'm not embarrassed.  Shit._ “I’m not doing it to piss him off.  I just need to get out of here.”  Not that pissing him off wasn’t a nice bonus.

“Oh really.  Huh.  Tired of life in the big city so soon?”

“No, just… maybe, yeah.  I just want to get away for a little while.”

“Away from him?”

“From everything.”

“But mostly him.  That’s why you’re staying with Tommy and Maria?”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “Last night when we left?  He took me home -- his house.  I was so out of it I didn’t even notice ‘til we were almost there.”

“Any particular reason you don’t wanna spend nights in your own house?”

“I just don’t,” Ellie replied with a shrug.  She didn’t want him to know the extent of her feelings for Joel, and even if she did, she couldn’t explain about the bed… couldn’t spill that secret no matter how pissed off she was at Joel. 

“’Cause of your friend.”

“Yeah, I don’t wanna see him.  All we do is fight.”

Max looked skeptical.   _Isn’t that reason enough?_   Ellie thought it seemed plausible.  He just kept looking at her. 

She was starting to feel annoyed with his scrutiny.  “What?  Whatever you’re thinking, just say it.”

He leaned in a little closer to her.  “I’m just wondering… if there’s something goin’ on that you’re not sayin’.  Maybe the real reason is ‘cause he… comes into your room at night?”

It took her a moment to realize what he was implying.  “Oh my God -- no, nothing like that!  He would never—  _No._ ”  Her face felt like it was on fire.  She hoped he believed her.   _Dude, it’s because he WON’T come into my room.  You have it all backwards._

The way he was looking at her… she must not have been very convincing.  “When you were leaving last night, I heard you asking him about where he was gonna sleep.  You don’t owe him anything, you know.  If he makes you feel otherwise—“

“Max,  _no_ , I’m telling you, it’s not like that!”  _Please don’t ask me about the fucking bed!_

“Okay, okay.  But, if it  _was_  like that -- hypothetically --“ -- he added when she started to protest again -- “you don’t have to put up with that shit.  He may be Tommy’s brother but that don’t mean… I’m just sayin’.  Other living arrangements can be made.”

Ellie met his gaze steadily.  “Look, I’m not trying to cover for him or something.   _He’s not like that._ He’s never laid a hand on me and he never will.”  She hoped Max couldn’t hear any resentment in her voice.  Horrified as she was at the thought of Max knowing how she felt about Joel, it irked her a little that he didn’t even seem to consider it as a possibility.  Which made no sense, because she should be fucking _gratefu_ l that he didn’t suspect it, shouldn’t she?!  “Joel’s a good guy.  I  _do_  want to keep living with him, just… I need a breather.”   _So he’ll miss me.  So he’ll be sorry he rejected me.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?_

Max leaned back in his chair again.  “So, these fights you’ve been having.  They ever get physical?”

 _Oh my fucking God._ “No.  Never.”  Ellie wished he’d quit it with the third degree (or first, or second?) but if she didn’t answer his questions or if she seemed too bothered by them, would he just assume the worst?

“’Cause I’ve seen the way he talks to you…”

“That’s just… the way he is!  About me, I mean.  Er… I mean, you saw him all mad.  He’s not normally like that.  That’s how—“ She stopped herself from attempting to explain how she equated his anger with love.  He wouldn’t understand.   _Nobody_ fully understood their relationship… not even Ellie herself.  “He treats me fine.  I swear.” 

“He doesn’t… I dunno, call you names, or… put you down, like—“

“NO!  He’s not abusive in any way, shape, or form, I swear to God.  What do I have to say to make you get it?!”  _Stay calm, Ellie…_

“Okay, chill.  I get it.  But why would he let you think he’s takin’ you to Tommy’s house, like you wanted, and then take you home instead?  He didn’t respect your wishes there.”

Ellie was still wondering about that herself.  She assumed he just wanted her to be with him, and that he figured (correctly) that she was too drunk to notice or care until it was too late.  “Maybe he wanted to make sure I didn’t go back to the truck.  Maybe he didn’t want to explain to his brother… like he was ashamed that I got drunk?  I dunno.  Whatever -- it was no big deal.”

“Last night you said you have to do whatever he wants.”

“What?!  No I didn’t.”  That sounded terrible, when he put it like that.  It was kind of funny how Joel and Max both assumed the other had less-than-honorable intentions towards her, and they were both dead wrong.  But… did Max really have to look so grossed out at the thought of her and Joel together?  Would it be the worst thing ever, if they were?  Would it _have_ to mean that Joel’s some sick fucking pervert?  Naturally, she kept those questions to herself, too.  “It’s just that he feels kinda like he’s my dad, you know?  And he thinks I’m a little kid and can’t make my own decisions.  Sometimes,” she added, in case that sounded bad, too.

He still looked skeptical.  “You said you’re an orphan.  How old were you when your parents died?”

“A baby.  I never knew them.  What’s that got to do with anything?”  He was like a dog with a bone.  Whatever he thought he knew about her and Joel, she needed to un-do it.

“And you didn’t have like a… foster family, or anything like that?”

“Nope.  I had caregivers, and teachers, I guess, if they count… I pretty much raised myself from the time I learned how to wipe my own ass.”

“Mmhmm.  So… how do you know what a father’s supposed to be like?  Just from books and movies, right?  All make-believe.”

“And people I know who have dads.  Lots of people.”  That was a bit of a stretch.  But she didn’t like where this was going, and she had to get him to drop it without making it seem like she was hiding anything.  “Joel used to be a dad.  Did you know that?  His daughter was killed right when the world started going to hell.  So it’s been a while, but he knows how to do it.  He doesn’t do _any_ of that stuff you were asking me about.  I'm not like, 'running away' to escape any kind of abuse.  Thanks for trying to look out for me and all but… you don’t have to.  Really.  Can we just drop it already?”

“Done.”  Max seemed satisfied now.  Hopefully he knew better than to question Joel about it -- Joel would probably answer with his fist.  “So you mostly wanna get outta here for… wanderlust?”

“Wander… _lust_?  Um, not sure I’d go  _that_ far…”

He chuckled.  “It just means you got the itch to travel.”

“Oh.  Okay, then, sure.  I have wanderlust!”

Max’s expression sobered.  “You know what it can be like out there.  Or did you forget already?  It ain’t like having a picnic at the lake.”

Ellie nodded.  “I know.  I wouldn’t be screwing around.  Like I said, I can help you out.”

“Will they even let you out without your friend’s permission?”

“They’d better.  It’s not his choice.”  Ellie knew that if Joel had his way (up until this morning, at least), she’d never be allowed to set foot Outside unless he was with her.  But he had no authority over her -- not even authority that would be recognized under Jackson’s unofficial laws.  Good thing she’d vetoed his adoption idea.  “I could probably make them let me leave on my own, really.  I mean, otherwise it’s like I’m a prisoner, right?  No way out until I turn eighteen?  That’s ridiculous.  I have no family here.  What if I had people I wanted to get back to in Boston?”

“Do you?”

“No.  But I could.  Hypothetically.”

Max eyed her suspiciously.  “Is that why you wanna go tomorrow?  Get out the door, then take off?”

“No!  I don’t wanna leave forever.”  Ellie couldn’t imagine that, not without Joel at her side.  But what if things only got worse and they couldn’t even stand to be in the same town as the other?  Three years was a long fucking time.  “If I did… _hypothetically_ … would you do that for me?  Get me out?”

Max snickered.  “Hell no.  I ain’t stupid.”

“Stupid?”

“Your friend would go apeshit when he found out.  Can’t say I’d blame him, either.  No, doin’ that for you would be a death sentence.”

“Oh.  Right.  I thought you weren’t afraid of him,” she teased.

“I get the feeling  _anyone_ would have reason to be afraid in that case.”  Max tipped his chair back and rocked it a little.  “I prob’ly shouldn’t be so cavalier about letting you come tomorrow, now that I think about it.  I can’t guarantee that nothin’ will happen to you.  All the gear in the world can’t guarantee that.”

“I know.  I know the risk and it’s  _my_ choice, not Joel’s.  He doesn’t run my life!”

“I don’t think he’ll care about that if somethin’ happens to his little girl out there.”

“Ugh!  But I’m  _not_ his little girl!”  She really did need time away from Joel… to prove she was her own person, to others as well as herself.  “This is like… Jackson business.  You’re risking  _your_ life to do it.  I have as much right to contribute as anyone else, don’t I?  All the shit that I’ve done… I’m not… it’s not fair of him to treat me like a little kid, it’s really not.”

Max let the chair drop back into place.  “I sympathize.  I do.  But maybe… you oughta run it by him first.  Just explain it to him like that.  He might not like it, but—“

“No way.  He’d never let me.  And I don’t mean ‘let me’ in a giving-permission sort of way, it’s not his call.  I mean, like, physically  _let_ me.  I can hear him already:  ‘Over my dead body, Ellie,’” she said in her best Joel impression (a pathetically far cry from Joel’s baritone).  “He’d chain me to a tree or something.”

“Seriously?”

 _Shit, that sounds abusive, too!_ “Not that he’s ever done anything like that before!  I just mean… you know.  He cares too much sometimes.” 

Max shook his head, laughing.  “You two have a bizarre relationship.”

“We do,” she had to agree.  And somehow she’d momentarily forgotten (again!) that Joel might not care enough anymore to do stuff like chain her to a tree.  “Actually… it’s better if I  _don’t_ tell him, because he’s mad at me now so he probably doesn’t give a fuck what I do.  It wouldn’t make sense to tell him after… well, some of the things I said.  If I go tell him, he might think I  _want_ him to stop me, or he’ll make me promise not to go and I’d have to break the promise…”   _Or, if he actually let me go, I’d be constantly looking over my shoulder, expecting him to follow me, and then hate myself for wanting him to when he doesn’t.  No, he CAN’T know.  That’s all there is to it._   How shitty would she feel if Joel  _didn’t_ do everything in his power to stop her?  She wanted him to let her make her own choices, and yet… she also didn’t.  Which was kind of fucked up.  “I dunno.  It’s easier if I just leave.  The trip doesn’t affect him anyway.  He might not give a rat’s ass what I do anymore, after what I said… but telling him is still too risky.”

Max regarded her with… sympathy?  Or pity?  Sympathy, she decided.  The kinder sentiment. “Ellie.  Come on, now.   I  _really_  doubt that you said anything awful enough to make him all of a sudden stop caring about you.  Even if he’s madder than a hornet.”

Surprisingly, Ellie felt her throat start to constrict.  _What the fuck?  Damnit, no getting emotional about Joel_. “Whatever.  I’ll talk to him when we get back.  He might not even know I’m gone, to be honest.  But if he does notice, he’ll see I got back safe and sound and he won’t have anything to kill you for.”  

Max didn’t look convinced.  She really hadn’t addressed his point of what would happen if she _didn’t_ make it back safely.  Part of her didn’t really care if she did or not.  She was so sad about Joel… couldn’t imagine having to plod through the rest of her life with the unbearable pain of a broken heart that would never heal.  Suddenly she remembered her first day in Jackson, talking to Annie about the kid who had killed himself.  At the time, she couldn’t comprehend why he would do such a thing, when he had a family -- a dad, at least –- and a safe place to live where he could eat every day.  Now she understood that that was all… not superficial, exactly, because those things were important, signifying stability and security… it just wasn’t the whole picture.  But Ellie didn’t want to kill herself.  If she hadn’t killed herself after getting bitten by Infected, for fuck’s sake, ‘knowing’ that her life was about to end so horrifically… surely she could suffer through a life without love.  It wasn’t like she’d ever had any to begin with, right?  It was all smoke and mirrors.

If she did get killed, it wouldn’t be Max’s fault, but if Joel still cared, he wouldn’t see it that way.  It wasn’t fair for her to lay that on Max.

She slumped in her chair, dejected.  “Look… there’s nothing I can do about that.  I can take care of myself, I don’t expect anything bad to happen, but… like you said, no guarantees.  People go Outside every day, though, and stuff  _doesn’t_ happen more than it does, right?  I mean, since I’ve been here, I haven’t heard of anyone getting killed, or disappearing.  But, I get it.  You just wanna go do your thing and not like… have all this extra drama, and… you know, stay alive out there but then have the possibility of getting _murdered_ when you come back… it’s selfish of me to want to go with you.  Just forget it.”

Max looked at her for a long moment.  “People who go out… they do usually make it back in one piece.  But they don’t go all that far.  The ones that go hunting… they tend to go up north where the elk are, in that area that used to be a preserve, in the ‘10s.  Hardly any Infected up there.  Might find some bandits but… not so much, lately -- not like last year, from what I heard.  The supply convoys… we go in large groups, all of us armed.  Unless someone does something really asinine, it usually goes alright, more often than not.  That’s just to the military outpost, though, and they patrol the surrounding areas and keep ‘em clear… not the whole way to Jackson, but still, it’s prob’ly safer than where we’re goin’.  It’s the scouting and scavenging that’s more dangerous.  Anyone you’ve heard about who didn’t come back, I betcha that’s what they were doing.  If you’re okay with that… I got no problem with you coming.  It’s your decision.”

“But… what about the Joel thing?” Ellie held her breath.

Max shrugged.  “He’s one man.  Can’t be any worse than runnin’ into a pack of Infected, right?  So... again, I’ll take my chances.  And do my best to not get you killed," he added with a rueful smile.

Max just didn’t  _know_.  But she could protect him.  All she had to do was… not die.  Surely she could handle that!  And she just had to ignore the nagging thought that since she _did_ know what Max didn’t, she was acting irresponsibly.  _Like Scarlett O’Hara, I’ll think about that tomorrow._ “Thank you,” she said, exhaling in relief.  “I won’t let you down.  I’ll be fine.  It won’t be like… it’ll be fine.”  Ellie had almost mentioned Zoe.  Not that it mattered -- he was probably thinking about her anyhow.  He’d only mentioned the incident briefly last night, and hadn’t gone into how he’d felt about things (she wondered if guys  _ever_  really talked about their feelings), but she’d surmised that he carried around a lot of guilt since then, feeling like he’d failed to protect her, and things were strained between him and her father because he also blamed Max for her death. 

They made plans to leave the next morning, and Ellie set out to get her schedule covered at the farm and the library.  She felt bad about having to stand Clicker up for their gaming ‘date,’ but he’d get over it.  She couldn’t risk him tattling to Joel before she got out –- or, maybe not tattling, exactly, but going to Joel because he was _concerned_.  Like he did any time she acted in a way he considered to be out of character for her.  He might go to Joel after her no-show, but by then it would be too late to matter.  If she did end up seeing the kid for dinner that night, she’d have to act all normal.  Maybe she’d just scrounge up something at home, knowing Joel wouldn’t be there at dinnertime.  And if he kept his word, it would be safe to hang out at the library for a while afterwards.

It felt a little strange, having the option to choose where she ate and slept without having to answer to Joel.  They’d never really had rules about that… had never really needed them, because wherever Joel was, that’s generally where Ellie wanted to be.  If there were any variances in her schedule or an invitation to eat somewhere else, she always told Joel, out of courtesy, and he did the same for her.  The town seemed to recognize them as a package deal so it was understood where one was welcome, the other was as well.  And now she was expending all this effort to avoid him.

As empowering as it was to be so autonomous, it was also a rather lonely feeling.  For the first time ever, she wasn’t accountable to anyone.  She’d had to follow rules in Boston, not because anyone at those schools gave a fuck if she lived or died, but because they were legally responsible for her.  Then Marlene came along, and she actually _did_ care.  To a point.  It wasn’t the same as Joel, though.  Nowhere close.  _Don’t think about Joel.  This is all his fucking fault._

Ellie really only had to cover her Friday morning at the farm, because Max was cool with them leaving after morning chores on Thursday, and she already had the weekend off, because Joel did.  And although Ellie would rather have told only Annie about the switch, protocol called for her to clear it with Esther.  Obviously she couldn’t do that until right before she left, because even if Esther was busy batting her eyelashes at Joel over the meatloaf, the subject was bound to come up that evening.  Especially since Ellie would have to be vague about why she was swapping shifts, and Esther would no doubt be curious.  She’d have to be last minute about it with Annie, too, to be on the safe side.  She was really counting on Annie not feeling like she needed Ellie around for support while she nursed her broken heart.  Annie seemed okay… kind of.  She wasn’t hiding in a corner somewhere sobbing her heart out.  But she was definitely not herself.  There was no spring in her step, no cheer in her voice, and Ellie could tell she’d been crying.  _I’m such a shitty friend.  Not as shitty as Christine, but selfish nonetheless._ Still… Annie had Esther for support, and Esther knew more of the right things to say and do for Annie than Ellie did.

She also had the farm.  Annie had mentioned that earlier in the day: _“The animals will always need me, and I think I need them just as much.  They’ll keep me going.  It’s like I’m married to the farm, in a way…as long as I have that, I’ll be okay.”_ Ellie kind of knew how she felt, because keeping busy with farm chores had helped her as well.  She just wasn’t anywhere near the ‘married’ stage about it all.  Joel was her thing that she couldn’t live without.  At least the farm wouldn’t stomp all over Annie’s heart and make a fool of her… -and then be so sweet when she was a fucking mess.  _Stop it._   -And then be an ass about it the next morning.  _Right, that’s where we are now -- fucking remember that shit._

Ellie successfully avoided Joel the rest of the day.  When the movie of the night was over (Ellie would have to watch it again some time because she couldn’t concentrate for shit), she figured it would be safe to return to the farm, where she was always welcome to spend the night.  She took a slight detour to head past Joel’s house first.  What if he wasn’t home yet?  What if _he_ was spending the night at the farm, too?  _No, he wouldn’t do that.  …would he?_

No, he wouldn’t.  Ellie was relieved to see the warm glow of occupancy in the windows as she approached.  The curtains were still drawn, as they likely had been since Monday night, the night of her epic failure with Joel… she was always the one who opened them, because she loved seeing the lush greenery right outside.  She wondered if Joel would notice she’d eaten some of the leftover shepherd’s pie.  Much as she disliked the idea of eating it alone, she disliked the idea of food -- especially _good_ food -- going to waste even more, and it wasn’t like Joel was eating it.  More importantly, she wondered if Joel would notice the missing weapons and ammo she’d procured (and safely stashed at Tommy’s for the night).  She’d taken the 9-millimeter, of course, because that one had been her constant companion since they’d arrived here… but also the hunting rifle, and, most conspicuously, the bow.  Plus a few supplies to craft bombs and Molotov cocktails.

 _I should just make sure he’s actually there_ , she thought practically.  Maybe she could catch a glimpse of him through a gap in the curtains somewhere… yes, from the south window she could probably tell if he was sitting at the couch, at least… she couldn’t really see him, but that’s where he was.  At least he wasn’t rummaging through the little arsenal they’d made in the corner.  She felt that fucking lump rise up in her throat again.  She wanted to be in there, sprawled out beside him… her reading, him whittling.  It didn’t sound like that’s what he was doing.  It didn’t sound like he was doing anything at all.  Maybe he was asleep.  Maybe he’s… _oh my God_ … but no, there was movement, slight but enough to banish the terrible thought from her mind before it could take root.  She was struck with a sense of yearning so powerful that she almost went in there… almost.  She imagined the look on his face when he saw her:  he would smile a little and maybe not know what to say, but clearly be happy to see her… right?  What if he wasn’t?  Maybe absence had already made _her_ heart grow a little fonder, but what about ‘out of sight, out of mind’?  Or what if he was still mad?  What if he asked her what the hell she was doing there if she didn’t need him anymore?  Then she could pretend she just came in to get something out of the desk.  _Yeah, because he’d totally believe that._

And then she realized it didn’t really matter how he reacted, because it wouldn’t be the way she truly wanted him to, and it would be too hard to pretend otherwise.  The bed would still be there, neither of them able to sleep in it.  It wasn’t even about the bed… it was about him withdrawing from her so completely, depriving her of the intimacy she’d come to depend on, because to Joel, that was the easiest way to handle things.  What she was doing now -- it wasn’t the same thing, she reasoned.  It was merely a reaction to _his_ choice.

Ellie stood there a few more moments, wished him a silent good night, and headed for the farm.

* * *

The pieces were falling perfectly into place, with very little effort on his part.  Max couldn’t have scripted it any better if he’d tried.  Truth was, he hadn’t actually planned to exact revenge against Joel via Ellie.  He had better shit to do than sit around concocting schemes against the son of a bitch.  Yes, Joel had embarrassed him that one day at the warehouse, and although Max had been plenty pissed at the time, it wasn’t an incident he felt he needed to go out of his way to avenge.  But when things fell into his lap like this, how could he ignore the opportunity?  For some inexplicable reason, the kid trusted him.  And Joel didn’t know what his ‘game’ was -- that much was clear this afternoon.  The dickhead had hunted him down, clearly expecting a fight, but Max had been deferential and apologetic, not incendiary in the slightest.  Joel believed it was an act, no doubt, he wasn’t a moron… but it still bewildered him.  If they hadn’t been in the library –- or if he’d offered to ‘take it outside’ -- maybe Joel would have started a fight anyhow, if only to back up his threats about what he’d do to Max if he hurt Ellie in any way.  It was clear the old man was angry as hell… and he _looked_ like hell, too.  He doubted the guy could really inflict as much damage as Ellie claimed.  Max could have taken a few blows, maybe to drive that wedge between Joel and Ellie a little deeper when Ellie found out… but he didn’t need to.

And Max believed Ellie when she said Joel would chain her up rather than let her leave, even though she’d tried to make light of it afterwards.  That was the kind of asshole Joel was.  Possessive, selfish, demanding.  Max couldn’t help but wonder what Ellie wasn’t telling him about their relationship.  He’d checked in with Tommy regarding the Idaho trip before Tommy had headed out for the dam, and asked him about it in private.  Out of curiosity, yes… out of a desire to possibly make life uncomfortable for Joel, yes… but it also truly did not sit well with him that Joel might feel _entitled_ to use a teenage girl in such a disgusting capacity.  Tommy didn’t exactly set his mind at ease, either.  Oh, he’d defended his brother, alright.  Said nothing unsavory was going on, that Joel would never do anything like that.  Max just wasn’t convinced that Tommy believed his own words.  Did he know something he wouldn’t admit, or was Max perhaps giving voice to questions he’d already asked himself?

No wonder the girl wanted to get away.  Things must be pretty bad if she was willing to skip town with a virtual stranger… to give up the security of Jackson for the danger of the unknown.  Imagining Joel’s reaction when he found out Ellie had ‘run off’ with him gave him immense satisfaction.  Opportunity hadn’t just knocked on his door, it had let itself in and made itself right at home. 

It was too bad he hadn’t found a way to use her little secret to his advantage yet.  He was possibly the only one outside of their little family who knew about it, because he was unscrupulous enough to eavesdrop on private conversations (scavenging information wasn’t so different from scavenging goods).  The girl was fucking _infected_ , but not sick –- that knowledge could be dynamite, in the right hands.  Joel had killed a bunch of those Firefly people to protect Ellie, too… Max would bet his whole stash of alcohol that some of their surviving friends would be interested in knowing his whereabouts. Acting on that would likely put Ellie at risk as well, or he might have worked up a plan already out of sheer spite.  And Ellie didn’t know what Joel had done -- that tidbit was less valuable, but possibly of some use down the line.  Whoever said that knowledge was power was right… knowing how and when to wield the power for maximum advantage was trickier.

Max liked the kid.  He really did.  Jackson could use more people like her.  Joel, on the other hand, was expendable.  And whatever he was doing to Ellie that she wouldn’t talk about… Max would be doing her a favor if he took care of _that_ little problem.  However it played out, though, Max would make sure it was to his own benefit, first and foremost.

When it came down to it, it was every man for himself in this world.


	29. Free Bird

As expected, Esther had no problem with Ellie switching shifts, and she appreciated that Ellie made the extra effort, rather than simply announcing she wouldn’t be able to work the next day.  Ellie tried to make a quick getaway once that business was taken care of, but Esther stopped her.  “Sweetie, what’s going on with you?  Is there something you’d like to talk about?” she asked kindly.

“No, I’m good,” replied Ellie, casual as could be.  She wished Esther would stop being so nice –- it made it hard to hate her.  It was unfair and probably illogical, Ellie realized, but if she did it in secret, did it even matter?  “I just… have some stuff to figure out.  By myself.”

It sounded lame to Ellie.  She assumed it didn’t sound any better to Esther.  “You know, you’re welcome to stay here with us, if you’d like.  We love having you around.”

 _Stop being sweet!_ “Thanks.  Maybe I’ll take you up on that… later.”

She tried to leave again, but Esther wasn’t done.  “Joel’s really worried about you.”

 _Then he shouldn’t act like such a fucking asshole!_  she thought angrily.  It irked her to hear Esther tell _her_ how Joel was feeling.  “What did he tell you?” she asked in spite of this, not bothering to hide her irritation.

“Not much.  He just said you two haven’t seen eye to eye lately and you need space.  I get the feeling he wants to help you, but just… doesn’t know how?”  Her tone was meant to be reassuring, her words vague enough to suggest that Joel hadn’t betrayed any confidences and Esther didn’t know shit about what was wrong, but Ellie didn’t buy it.  Joel had probably told her all about Ellie’s stupid little girl crush on him.  How she’d made a complete joke of herself.  Twice, if you count the drinking thing.  Esther must think she’s the most pathetic creature on the planet.  Maybe she was only being nice to Ellie to score points with Joel:  _"I tried to talk to her for you, Joel, I really did.  Ellie's just too much of a bitch."_   For some reason, it pleased Ellie to assume the worst about Esther… and Joel, for that matter.  Esther’s tone was actually condescending, she decided. 

“Whatever,” Ellie mumbled.  “Tell him he has nothing to worry about.  I’m fine.  Seeya in a few days.”   Before turning to leave again, she forced a smile as proof that all was well in Ellie land.

Saying goodbye to Annie made Ellie feel guiltier than _not_ saying goodbye to Joel -- Annie hadn’t done anything wrong, after all.  She felt a bit dishonest by not telling Annie what she was really doing, even though she wasn’t exactly lying.  And then Annie had to go and make it worse by apologizing!

“What do you have to be sorry for?!” Ellie was dumbfounded.

“I’ve been so wrapped up in myself the past couple days I haven’t even really asked you how  _you_ were doing,” she said sheepishly.  “You’re only one day ahead of me in this… mending-a-broken-heart thing.”

“Pfff.   You’ve asked me, silly.  I just haven’t had much to say about it.”  Not much she could tell Annie, anyway.  “And you totally win, asshole-wise.  So you… lose, I guess?  I mean, your jerk is  _way_  worse than my jerk.  And that’s sayin’ something.” 

Annie shrugged.  “We both lost.  So what are you going to do that couldn’t wait ‘til the weekend?  I mean, it’s okay… I’m just wondering what’s so urgent?”

Ellie wished she had come up with a more plausible reason.  Something more concrete than wanting time alone.  She couldn’t think of anything that would make sense other than the truth.  “I just, um… I can’t explain it.  Maybe I can… afterwards?  I think you’ll understand, when you know…” Ellie was sure she looked guilty as hell.  _But I didn’t lie!_

“Okay.  Is it something I can help you with?”

Ellie shook her head.  “It’s just something I have to do.”

“Does Joel know what it is?”

 _Oh God, **now** do I lie?  _ If Joel was coming over for dinner, and her name came up in conversation, the lie would unravel with just one casual comment about her mysterious need for time off.  But that was many hours from now, she’d be long gone and there would be nothing Joel could do about it then.  If she told the truth, Annie’s good-girl conscience might get the better of her… figuring that if Ellie didn’t want Joel to know what it was, it must be something he wouldn’t like, and she might decide he has a right to know.  The way Ellie saw it, he didn’t have a right to jack shit where she was concerned.

“I take it that’s a no?” Annie concluded when Ellie didn’t answer right away.

“No, he does know, kind of,” Ellie hedged nervously.  “I mean, you know, me’n’him haven’t exactly… been able to talk about stuff.  Lately.  He knows the gist of it.”

Maybe Annie assumed Ellie’s awkwardness was related to her issues with Joel and not necessarily indicative of lying, because she didn’t push it.  “Take care of yourself, ‘kay?”  She leaned in to give Ellie a quick hug.

This time her forced smile was slightly more genuine.  “I will.  Give Apollo and Artemis extra kisses for me… and Mimi too I guess, even if she’s not as cute as they are.”

Hopefully Annie wouldn’t connect the Idaho trip with Ellie’s absence.  Annie knew the trip was happening; Max needed a horse, after all, and that had been previously arranged.  Ellie had all but ignored him when he’d come to fetch said horse.  The plan was to depart from Max’s house, and she was too paranoid to talk to him about the trip with others possibly in earshot.  She didn’t even trust herself to talk to him at all, as if friendly chitchat would somehow broadcast her intentions.  He’d only picked up one horse, so G must have decided not to come, as Max had predicted.

Now Ellie had to go to Tommy’n’Maria’s to fetch her gear.  The house was quieter than she’d ever seen it.  Still wary of a possible encounter with Joel, she barricaded the front door to take a quick shower, and she furtively looked around for Joel before hauling ass out of there.  It was both a relief and a disappointment not to see him.  Stupidly, she’d entertained a fantasy or two about Joel somehow finding out she was leaving, begging her not to go… apologizing profusely… saying he’d do whatever she wanted if she would just stay... 

Yeah.  Ridiculous.  Infuriatingly so.

She’d never been to Max’s house, but his directions were easy to follow, and it was indeed the only house on the street with a horse tethered outside it.  She tried not to look like a total lying sneak, glancing around surreptitiously for any witnesses who might pose a threat (what she would actually do if she noticed any, she hadn’t planned out!).  Thankfully, the street was clear.  She cooed a greeting to Clementine and stroked the horse’s neck, then knocked on the door.

“S’open!” a voice called from inside.

Ellie opened the door and found Max crouched on the floor amidst an array of weapons, saddle bags, water jugs, and various other supplies, along with a plate containing what looked like a fried egg sandwich, half-eaten.  “Oh good, so it’s not like I was holding you up or anything,” Ellie snarked as she surveyed the mess.  “Are we really taking all this shit?”

Max shook his head, which was clad in a beat-up velvety-looking black cowboy hat (Annie would probably know exactly what it was made of… and would also scold Ellie for her usual hatlessness).  “Naw, I’m just goin’ through it.  I don’t think we need to bother with a tent… only one I got’s too small anyhow… got you a sleeping bag, though.”  He gestured to a red bundle nearby and took a huge bite of sandwich.

Ellie had never slept in an actual ‘sleeping bag’ before.  How luxurious!  Joel had told her about them -- about camping in general -- and Ellie had seen it in movies and books.  It was mystifying to her, how people with perfectly nice houses and beds would choose to go sleep outside on the ground, just for fun.  But no tent?  She idly imagined how annoyed Joel would have been, afterwards, to know she and Max had shared one.  _Jesus, Ellie, stop thinking about Joel!  That’s the whole point -- you have to move forward._ “Cool.  What should I do?  Put me to work!”

Soon they had Clementine all loaded up.  The Belgian horse was capable of carrying or pulling quite a bit of weight and she had a sweet, gentle demeanor, making her a popular choice for the monthly trade runs.  Her coat was darker than Spirit’s… more Callus-colored.  _Ugh, don’t think about Callus either._ It felt rather strange to mount a horse behind a man who wasn’t Joel.  It was impossible _not_ to think about the last time she’d left Jackson.  So much had happened since then! 

They didn’t have far to go to reach the edge of town… didn’t pass too many people.  If anyone found it odd that Ellie was going somewhere with Max, they didn’t say so.  They just called out friendly greetings, as was customary in Jackson.  Approaching the sentry towers at the west gate, Ellie felt anxious, and more than a little bit guilty.   _That’s dumb -- I’m not doing anything wrong.  I can go wherever I please, with_ whom _ever I please, and it’s none of Joel’s fucking business, or anyone else’s, for that matter._ She tried to keep her face expressionless.  What if one of the guards said something to Joel?  Later on, that would be fine, but what if he radioed Tommy right away and Tommy decided to come home just to make sure Joel was aware?  Tommy and Maria knew they were going to the Eastern Idaho Regional Center, and Max said he’d even given Tommy a copy of the map.  Well, there was nothing she could do about that now; she just had to hope that whoever was on duty wasn’t a Joel sympathizer.

She recognized one of the guards as a guy named Bryan.  ‘Y-Bryan,’ because there was also an ‘I-Brian.’  Ellie couldn’t remember ever speaking to him -- that was good, she decided.  Houser was the other guard, and Ellie didn’t really know him either, even though she played with his kids all the time when he had evening guard duty.  Neither of them appeared to be particularly friendly or unfriendly with Max.  

“Mornin’,” Max called up to them.  “Scouting trip.  Cleared with Tommy, he called it in yesterday.”

“We got it down,” Houser acknowledged, “but he didn’t say anything about Ellie.”

“She’s taking G’s place.  Only need one horse that way so it works out better.”

Houser looked them over.  “She taking his weapons too?”

“These are mine,” Ellie piped up.  “And it’s okay, I’ve used them tons of times, I know what I’m doing.  And anyways I’m going out with an adult, so...”

“He’s not your parent, though.”

“No, but he doesn’t have to be.”  Ellie thought quickly.  “You know Clicker, right?  Er…Cordy?  He went out hunting with Tate last week and they’re not related -- and he’s way younger and less experienced than me.  I don’t  _have_ any parents so… if I wanna leave for a little while, what’s the big deal?”

“Joel should—“

“He’s not my dad!” she exclaimed before he could finish that sentence.  _Easy, Ellie, don’t be rude… you don’t want to piss him off._ “Sorry.  It’s just… he’s… we came to town together, that’s all.  He’s a friend.  I don’t even  _live_  with him anymore.”  A stretch, perhaps, but she didn’t spend last night there, at least.  She considered herself temporarily homeless.

“Look, I’ll be with her the whole time,” Max added.  “It’ll be fine.  We won’t be gone long.”

Bryan had been observing them quietly from the left guardhouse.  When Houser looked over at him, he shrugged.  “They’re not breaking any rules.  I got no issue letting ‘em out.”

Houser frowned.  “I’d feel better if Tommy okayed it."

 _Ohshitohshitohshit!_ Tommy personally might not care about her leaving if she wanted to, but he most certainly wouldn’t 'okay it' until he’d checked with Joel.  She couldn’t think of a reason to stop him from calling Tommy that wouldn’t showcase her guilt.  Apparently Max couldn’t think of anything either.  _Why did I think I could get away with this?!_ “Well, it was fun while it lasted, all five minutes of it,” she muttered into the back of his denim shirt.  

Her heart hadn’t quite plummeted all the way down to her shoes before it was buoyed up again by the voice on the other end of Houser’s walkie talkie:  _“Tommy and Maria went out of range.  Should be back in a couple of hours.  Whattaya need?”_

That’s right!  Tommy had mentioned that they were meeting with a farm north of the dam, to see about fortifying it, forming some kind of alliance, shit like that.  Ellie held her breath. 

“Ah.  Nevermind then, we’re okay, over and out.”  He looked down at them again, still frowning.  “If we catch any heat for this later I’m passing it on to you.”

Ellie smiled broadly as the gates began to swing open.  “Thank you!  It’s okay -- like he said, we’re not doing anything wrong so… neither are you!  Thank you, thanks… have a good day!”

For a moment, Ellie thought she may have ruined everything by seeming over-eager, but the gates continued to move, and they made it out before either guard could reconsider.  Well, before Houser could -- that Bryan guy seemed cool.

 _“Yes!”_ Ellie chirped with quiet glee.  “It wouldn’t have surprised me if Joel had plastered a big ‘DON’T LET ELLIE LEAVE OR ELSE’ sign at each post.”

Max snickered, and Ellie resisted the urge to let out a whoop of joy as he directed the horse to canter south.  She didn’t want the guards to hear and think she was celebrating because she’d ‘gotten away with something’ -- and then take it upon themselves to somehow get a hold of any of the three adults they linked to her as family.  Maybe that was a bit paranoid of her… but also, she didn’t want to annoy Max; she’d told him she’d be quiet and that he wouldn’t even know she was there, after all.

The rush of excitement that accompanied the feeling of freedom, of independence, of  _escape_ from this town that wasn’t as perfect as it pretended to be… it dissipated quickly, tempered by a niggling sense of guilt and betrayal.  Followed by annoyance:  she didn’t  _want_ to feel bad about leaving.  Joel had hurt her, so he deserved to be hurt in return.   _He didn’t do it deliberately, though,_ a nagging voice in her head piped up.  It was the angel on her shoulder, like in that one cartoon movie, _The Emperor’s New Groove_ \-- only far less amusing _._   Countered by the devil on the other shoulder:  _It doesn’t matter if he meant to or not… he knows that he did, and he knows what to do to correct it, but he won’t even take one teensy step towards meeting me halfway._

The devil was always easier, and much more satisfying, to believe.  She wondered why.  Maybe it meant she was a bad person.  She’d felt like a bad person for deciding to stay in town before, and Joel had pounded it into her head that she wasn’t; now she felt like one for leaving.

Ellie stewed about it for a couple minutes before deciding to seek reassurance.  “Max, I know I said I’d be quiet and all, but can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.  And you don’t have to be quiet.”

“You say that  _now_ … Joel used to get really annoyed.  He said I didn’t know how to shut up.  But like, in a teasing way, not a mean way.  I think he kinda liked having someone to talk to… er, someone talking  _at_  him, more like.”  She knew for sure that her chatter, whistling, and humming didn’t truly bother him, because he’d clearly missed it when it stopped.  After David… whenever she suffered one of her black moods.  That’s when Joel had taken over the job of talking.  “Anyways, so um… do you think it’s wrong of me to leave?  To leave Joel without telling him?  Does this make me… I dunno… _bad_?”

“Bad?  Naw.  He treats you like shit, you got every right to leave.”

That actually made her feel worse.  “Well… it’s not like  _that_ … exactly…”

“He don’t treat you the way you want him to.  Right?”

“Yeah… but…”

“But what?”

“I dunno.  Maybe I’m being selfish.  Maybe I don’t treat  _him_ the way I should.”   _Maybe I shouldn’t tell him lies like ‘I don’t need you anymore.’_

“What do you do that’s so bad?  Just ‘cause you don’t jump to do his bidding all the time?”

“No, not that, just like… ugh, I don’t know.”

“Do you beat him up?”

“What?  No!  Like I even could!” Ellie said with a snicker.

“Call him names?”

Ellie thought about that.  “No…”  Maybe she did in her head on occasion, but she couldn’t remember doing it to his face.  The grudging respect she had for him, even when she was angry, wouldn’t permit it.

“So what do you do that’s so bad?”

“Um… I yell at him, I guess?”

“You argue with him.”

“Yeah.”

“That ain’t bad.  Especially if he’s wrong.”

“Ha!  Yeah, he thinks he’s always right but he’s not.”

“Well, there you go.  You’re fine.”

Ellie wasn’t satisfied.  “I lie to him.  Sneak out of town without telling him.”

“Only ‘cause you had to.  If you told him, you’d never have been able to go, and that ain’t fair to you.  You had no choice.”

“I had the choice to stay.  Maybe I’m just a big chickenshit, running away.”

“Taking a break ain’t the same as running away.”

Taking a break.  Yes, that’s what she was doing.  From Joel as well as the two-faced Jacksonites pissing her off.  “Okay.  …I guess.”

Max pulled Clementine to a stop and twisted around a bit to look at her.  “Hey, if you’re having second thoughts, we can go back.  You  _can_ change your mind.  I won’t be mad.”

Ellie bit her lip.  “But then you’d either be alone or G would have to come, and you said he doesn’t really want to.”

“I go Out by myself all the time.  Maria and Tommy, they encourage people to go in groups, but it’s a suggestion, not a rule.  Most people don’t _wanna_ be Outside on their own, either.  But me?  I don’t care.  I like it, even.”

“Yeah, you’re like Joel -- there’s not a ton of people that you like to hang out with.”

“Dunno how ‘like’ him I am, but yeah, I s’pose, in that way we’re alike.  We’re particular.”

And they both liked her, for whatever reason.  Maybe Joel wouldn’t like her so much after this.  But… wasn’t that partly the point?  She had to break away from Joel.  Be her own person.  She wasn’t usually so nasty… Joel brought it out in her.  What would happen if she went back?  She’d go back to trying to avoid him and stress out about running into him all the time… or seeing him with _Esther_ … wondering just how close they were getting…

She’d honestly rather worry about running into Infected or hunters… bandits, whatever-the-fuck they wanted to call them.   _How sad is that?_

And Joel was obviously wrong about Max.  He’d been nothing but kind to her.  He wasn’t even irritated by her indecision.  He respected her enough to make her own choice in the matter.  That was more than she could say for Joel.

“Thanks, Max… I don’t wanna go back.  Let’s keep going.  It’s only a couple days so I’ll be back soon enough, it’s no big deal.  And maybe by then… maybe I’ll have my shit more together, you know?  I’ll feel better about… everything.”

“You got it, sunshine.”

It was a beautiful summer day, and she didn’t want to taint it by fretting about Joel.  She also didn’t want to be lulled into a stupor by the sunshine; she needed to be alert, aware of her surroundings.  Remember the skills Joel had taught her.  It hadn’t been that long since she’d been out here doing that pretty much automatically, all the time.  Slipping into her hypervigilant skin now required surprisingly little effort.  She almost said as much to Max, but a sudden bout of shyness made her reluctant to share her thoughts.  She’d yakked away the other night, with the booze loosening her tongue, but that was mostly stupid shit -- and shit she could have explained away later as the product of drunkenness, if need be.  Maybe Max didn’t want to know everything about her.  He wasn’t Joel, after all.  And he wouldn’t necessarily _get_ her the way Joel did.

 _Wait, what?!  Joel doesn’t ‘get’ me all the time!_   Especially lately.  And she was failing pretty spectacularly at not thinking about the man.  Thinking about… longing for… missing the hell out of… _Remember, everything you had with him -- or thought you had -- got fucked up.  You’re starting a new chapter in your life now.  Fucking deal with it.  No going back._


	30. Riser

Joel surveyed the fields in front of him and let out a slow whistle.  “That would be a _lot_ of barbed wire fence.  Might be better to jus’ protect the farmhouse an’ the barn, set up some electric fences for the livestock... don’ know how you’d guard the crops, though.  Be easy enough in the day from a tower, but at night?”  If people were hungry enough, they’d have no qualms about yanking unripe veggies from the ground.  He and Ellie had eaten some green tomatoes they’d found growing wild, straight off the vine… but Joel had known that those weren’t poisonous, nor were they likely to wreak havoc on the intestines.  As for other crops, he had no idea what was safe to eat; his knowledge was more limited to poisonous plants and berries.  Maybe after a couple decades of eating expired canned food and (in some cases) raw meat, the human body had evolved to become more tolerant of dubious food sources than he knew.

The man who seemed to be in charge of the little group of would-be farmers, a guy around Joel’s age named Nolan, nodded.  “We’ve had some theft issues before.  I was just saying the other day how the Infected are scary as hell but I’d rather deal with them than other humans… nothin’ sneaky about them.”

Maria chuckled.  “If only you could train them to patrol the land for you.”

“Guy I knew back east did that,” said Joel.  “Well, not exactly.  Not like you can train ‘em.  More like Bill used geography to his advantage where he could.  Lots more Infected back there than we’ve got out here.  Most places, he set booby traps an’ killed ‘em.  Made it a little difficult to come pay him a friendly visit.”

Tommy snorted.  “A friendly visit where you deprive him of a car, you mean?”

“Hey, he owed me, and we _worked_ for that car, baby brother.  Nearly got ourselves killed.”  There and a hundred other places across the country.  Joel was happy to leave those days behind, especially since worrying about Ellie was a full-time job, even in a town that was relatively safe from such threats.

He was at his wits’ end trying to figure out how to patch up their relationship.  He had hoped to at least lay eyes on her that morning when he’d gone for a horse, only to find that she wasn’t even there at the farm -- or so Annie had said.  Joel had gotten the feeling she might have been lying about that, but he hadn’t pushed it.  Ellie had probably told her she didn’t want to see him. 

Tommy had asked him what was going on, naturally, but Joel hadn’t said much; it was his problem, he would deal with it on his own.  He hadn’t said anything at all to Maria, yet she had offered to talk to Ellie when they went home –- which meant Tommy couldn’t keep his goddamn mouth shut.  Did he have to share _everything_ with Maria?  Of course he did –- they were married.  But Maria was trustworthy, and Joel wasn’t really upset that she knew what Tommy knew, which was next to nothing.

Esther had asked him about Ellie too, of course.  Ellie’s conspicuous absence from dinner when Joel was present, in spite of the fact that she was spending the night at the farm -- and perhaps Ellie’s behavior or mood in general over the past few days -- had raised a red flag or two.  She hadn’t pried, though, and Joel hadn’t even needed to shoot her a death glare to get her to back off. 

With only a few words actually spoken about the whole Ellie thing, Joel was somehow sick to death of talking about it.

Which was why he was less than thrilled when Tommy brought it up, _again_ , after they returned to the dam a couple hours later.  To the same room in which they’d had their first private chat last fall… sitting in the same two metal chairs, even.  He appreciated Tommy offering him distractions in the shape of Outside projects that Craig or one of the other guys could have handled, but if it came at the expense of Tommy feeling entitled to harass him whenever he saw fit, was it worth it?  It wasn’t as if being in unfamiliar places made him think about Ellie any less.

“I didn’ wanna talk to you about this in front of Maria,” Tommy began, looking awkward as hell.  So they _didn’t_ share everything, then.

“Talk to me about what?”  Joel crossed his arms in front of his chest and fixed Tommy with an irritated glare.

Tommy ran a hand through his hair.  “Look.  I know you said… well… shit.  I don’ know how to say this.”

“Jus’ _say_ it.  You said it’s about Ellie?”

Tommy nodded.  And just sat there, not saying anything.  Trying to recall some shit he’d rehearsed in his head, maybe.  Unless… 

“She’s all right, ain’t she?  Did somethin’ happen you’re not tellin’ me?”  Panic started welling up inside him.  _Oh fuck fuck fuck—_

“No no no, nothin’ happened,” Tommy said quickly, watching Joel carefully.  “Christ, you turned white as death there for a second.  D’you really think if somethin’ had happened that I could jus’ casually go ridin’ out with you to—“

“I don’ know, maybe!” Joel snapped.  If it was something major, like Ellie being seriously hurt, no.  If it was something Tommy deemed minor, but something he knew Joel wouldn’t like… who knows.

“I know that you care about her, a lot,” Tommy said, slowly… like he was choosing his words carefully.  Except that wasn’t exactly breaking news, so what the fuck?

“Yeahhhh… and?” Joel prompted.

Tommy cleared his throat.  “Remember how I told you that maybe… well, you might be…I don’ know… that maybe you cared too much?  To the point of… it not bein’ healthy?”

 _This again?_ The glare resumed.  “Yeah.  You said it about fifty fuckin’ times before it finally sank in that I wasn’ gonna go talk to some high’n’mighty shrink jus’ ‘cause I feel protective of a young girl who’s all alone in the world.”

“Right.  You told me to fuck off.  On multiple occasions.  I remember.”

Why was Tommy looking at him like… _that_?  Joel didn’t know what the scrutinizing look signified, but he didn’t like it.  “And I’ll tell you to fuck off again if you say that stupid shit now.”

“I ain’t fuckin’ off, though.  I… _can’t._ ”

“What the fuck are you talkin’ about, baby brother?  Spit it out already.”  Did Ellie say something to him?  _Shit… she did, that’s why he looks so uncomfortable…_

“Someone… brought a concern to me, an’ I can’t jus’ look the other way, even if you _are_ my brother.”

 _Someone?_ That didn’t jive with Ellie confiding in him, unless… maybe he promised Ellie he wouldn’t say anything to Joel, and now here he was.  “What kind of _concern_?”

Tommy studied him quietly for a moment.  Joel was actually beginning to feel a little unnerved rather than simply annoyed.

 _“What kind of concern?”_ Joel repeated.  He was also rapidly losing what little patience he had to begin with.

“Oh, I think you know.”

“Know _what_?  I ain’t got the foggiest idea what you’re talkin’ about, Tommy.  Jus’ fuckin’ say it!”

Even raising his voice didn’t get his little brother to speak plainly.  Tommy cleared his throat again.  “I know you would never hurt Ellie, not intentionally…”

“Of course I wouldn’.  We argue.  People argue.”  And as far as one of them hurting the other, Ellie had definitely won the last round.  Joel knew she was just lashing out, that she didn’t mean all that shit she said, but it still hurt to hear her say the words.  He might have been more inclined to believe her if she hadn’t been so… well, _honest_ , the night before, while she was intoxicated.  That was the real Ellie, strange as it may seem to say about someone drunk off her ass.  Maybe it was wishful thinking, but Joel liked to believe that on some level, Ellie knew she could act out because it wouldn’t scare him off -- they were well beyond that point now –- and she knew that when the dust settled, he wouldn’t hold it against her.

“I ain’t talkin’ about your quarrelin’.”  Tommy sounded annoyed, too.  Annoyed by _what_ \-- that Joel wasn’t a goddamned mind reader?!

“Then what _are_ you talkin’ about?  Jesus Christ, boy, quit beatin’ around the bush and speak your mind already.”

“I’m jus’ wonderin’… if you an’ Ellie are maybe a little _too_ close.  If you catch my drift.”

“What?  What the fuck does _that_ mean?”  Only Joel knew exactly what he meant now.  And he knew that whatever shit was bouncing around in his head, Tommy was jumping to exactly the wrong conclusion.  What Joel _didn’t_ know was how he could deny it in the face of whatever evidence Tommy had.  Which was… what?  There _was_ no evidence, because Joel had never done anything sexual with Ellie.  How could Tommy even think that he _might_ have?

“Joel… I know you an’ Ellie have both slept in that bed, together.  Maybe not every night, but enough that it’s… worrisome.”

“We do _not_ sleep in the bed together.  An’ I don’ like what you’re insinuatin’.”  Joel could lie smoothly, even to Tommy, who probably knew him better than anyone… except maybe Ellie, considering this past year alone.  Tommy could possibly see through a bald-faced lie of his, but this one had layers of truth, and Joel could play that to his advantage.  They hadn’t slept in the bed together in a few days now, nor would they ever again, so technically it wasn’t even a lie _._

“Come off it, Joel.  I was there that one day.  I saw you.”

Joel scoffed.  “You didn’ see us in bed together.  You didn’ see shit!  Where is this comin’ from?  Someone jus’ decided to start spreadin’ lies about Ellie an’ me?”

“Where it comes from ain’t important.  What’s important is… Joel, you know your head ain’t right when it comes to that girl.”

“What the fuck -- my _head ain’t right_?  If you’re talkin’ about all that Firefly shit—“

“No, I get that.  That’s maybe where it started, but I’m talkin’ ‘bout after you got back here.  The feelings you have for that girl are…”

“Are what?” Joel’s tone was challenging.  How _dare_ Tommy chastise him for finally giving a shit about another human being after all these years!

“They’re… improper.  And you know it.”  Tommy challenged him right back.  He was pretty fucking sure of himself.

“I don’ believe this.  I’ve never done a goddamn thing to Ellie -- I want to _adopt_ her, for fuck’s sake!”

“I know you do.  That don’ mean you’re not fucked up like everyone else left in the world.”  Tommy was infuriatingly calm.

“Whatever they told you, it’s bullshit.  I didn’ do nothin’ wrong.”

“Maybe.  Maybe not.  Can you tell me why Ellie suddenly won’t sleep in that house?  What the hell happened?”

“I told you!  We had an argument.”

“Yeah, an’ you won’ tell me what it was about.  Neither will she.  What’s the big secret?”

“Fuck you, Tommy!  It’s personal.  If Ellie wants to tell you, she’ll tell you.  I ain’t gonna betray her confidence.”  Joel sure as hell wasn’t going to enlighten Tommy about the main source of tension between them.  It would only make things worse.

“Betray her confidence,” Tommy repeated thoughtfully.  “So it’s about some secret of Ellie’s?  You said it was an argument.  You can’t jus’ give me the general idea?”

“I already did –- me an’ her don’ see eye to eye on… certain things.”

“No shit, Joel!  On _what_ things?”

“None of your goddamn business!  If you wanna think the worst of me ‘cause I won’ discuss personal shit with you, then go right ahead.”

Tommy groaned.  “It ain’t about thinkin’ the worst -- I jus’ wanna know what’s goin’ on!”

“Nothin’s goin’ on!  You tell that nosy busybody who’s so _concerned_ to mind her own goddamn business an’ quit stirrin’ up trouble.  Ellie will come home when she’s had enough of…”  _Of what?  Pissing me off?_   “Whatever it is she’s doin’.”

“It wasn’ jus’ someone bein’ nosy.  They had good reason to be worried.  As do I.  She’s just a kid, Joel.”

Just a kid.  Right.  She was, and she wasn’t.  And Tommy didn’t get it.  Joel could argue that kids today grew up faster than back in their day, at least the ones who’d had it rough, like Ellie… that the line between child and adult was a little blurrier than it used to be.  But that would only feed Tommy’s suspicions; he would think Joel was trying to justify his ‘improper feelings.’  Besides, it was hard not to think of Ellie as a kid when she was acting so much like one.

Tommy was looking at him appraisingly again.  “What?” Joel snapped.

“Nothin’.  I was jus’ thinkin’… I’m kinda surprised you haven’ tried to deck me yet.  I think Ellie’s softened you up.”

Joel snorted.  He _knew_ she had.  “I _should_ deck you ‘cause you’re spewin’ bullshit at me.”

“More like… ‘cause you know it _ain’t_ bullshit.”

“Damnit, Tommy, what do you—“

“Don’ get all fired up,” Tommy interrupted.  “You don’ wanna talk to me.  Fine.  But you gotta do _some_ thin’.  I think if you two can’t resolve your issues, maybe you all should talk to Claire—“

“I ain’t talkin’ to no goddamn shrink, how many fucking times do I have to tell you?”  Joel finally got up and started pacing to let off some steam.  He really _did_ want to hit his brother when he started acting all sanctimonious.

“An’ how many times do I have to tell you she ain’t no shrink?  She knows about psychology an’ crap, though.  She’s good at talkin’ to people.  I think she could maybe help you figure out… boundaries, an’ such…”

Boundaries.  That was a fucking joke.  “I am _done_ talkin’ about this, baby brother.  An’ if you know what’s good for you, you’ll drop it.”

“Don’t you threaten me.  It won’ work.”  Tommy wasn’t going to drop it.  Joel recognized that stubborn expression, the way he set his jaw… stubborn as a mule, he was.  But Joel was just as stubborn.

A squeaky voice crackling over the walkie talkie saved Joel from any further pointless conversation.  _“Tommy?  Are you there?”_

Tommy knitted his brow in what-the-fuck? fashion and unclipped the walkie from his belt.  “I’m here.  Cordy, is that you?”

_“Yeah.  Do you know where Joel’s at?”_

A genuine rush of panic surged through Joel this time.  Why the fuck would Clicker be so desperate to find him that he had to hunt down someone with a walkie talkie?  It _had_ to be about Ellie.  He stood in front of Tommy and reached for the walkie, but Tommy answered the kid.  “He’s right here.  What’s wrong?”

_“’Here’ is the dam, right?”_

Joel yanked the thing out of Tommy’s unprotesting hand and held the button down.  “Clicker, it’s Joel.  Tell me what’s wrong.”

_“Well… I was just wondering if you knew about Ellie?”_

_Shit shit shit!_ “No.  What about her?  Tell me!”

_“She left.”_

That evoked a strange mix of emotions -- a sense of relief that Clicker hadn’t said ‘she’s dead’ or ‘she’s hurt,’ along with more rising panic because _what the fuck did he mean ‘she left’?!_ Joel looked at Tommy, who appeared to be equally perplexed.

“What do you mean?” he asked Clicker.  “Left Jackson?  That’s impossible.  Kids are never allowed to leave by themselves.  All the guards know that.”  He glanced at Tommy for confirmation and Tommy nodded.

_“She wasn’t by herself.  My dad says it’s on the log.”_

The fuck…?  Joel looked to Tommy for translation but it dawned on him before Tommy could speak.  Of course –- Clicker’s dad was in the militia.  “The guard log?” he said into the walkie.  “What does it say?  Which gate?”

_“There’s a note about Max being scheduled to leave and a time written next to it in someone else’s handwriting and Ellie’s name is added like on the side of that.  She didn’t show up at the library when she was supposed to even though we were gonna do Oregon Trail which I think is totally lame and boring but she’s all into it -- and the only other time she blew off gaming, she…um… it was bad.  So.  Then I couldn’t find her in the usual places –- and she wasn’t riding cuz her horse is still here.  Yesterday she was kinda bummed and said something that made me think maybe she wanted to go Out? Dad just started at noon and he said her name was on the thingie from last shift.  Oh yeah, um, west gate.  …   …   …  …what?... oh! right… OVER.”_

Joel waited impatiently for the kid to stop babbling and let go of the button.  “What time does it say?  Where were they goin’?”  But he needn’t have asked the second question –- one look at Tommy told him that his brother knew all about it.

_“9:20 A.M.  It doesn’t say.  Dad says Tommy knows, if it was a scheduled thing.  Max goes to far away places, though, like prob’ly somewhere dangerous and I didn’t think you would let her go if you knew?  Over.”_

“Damn right I wouldn’t!” Joel barked accusingly at Tommy, grabbing him by the collar.  “You knew about this an’ you didn’ think—“

“Whoa whoa whoa, hang on, I didn’ know he was takin’ Ellie!  I woulda stopped ‘em, swear to God.”  Joel relaxed his grip a little, and Tommy pushed him away.  “Shit, Joel, you gotta calm down.”

“What the fuck time is it now?  She’s been gone for at least three hours.  Where’s he headed?”

Another voice came over the walkie.  _“Tommy.  The west gate called up here looking for you around that time.  I told them you were out of range and they said it wasn’t important.  Over.”_

What bad fucking timing.  How in the hell was it not important?  “They shoulda asked you to call when you got back and made Ellie fucking _wait_ there until you did,” Joel grumbled.  “Tell me where they’re goin’.”

Tommy fixed his shirt.  “They didn’ have to.  She ain’t my daughter, or yours.  She left with an adult, an’ that’s the rule.  They’re headed to Idaho.”

“ _Where_ in Idaho?”

Clicker’s father got on the walkie talkie, apologizing for not telling them, saying he would have right away if he’d known, no one said anything when he came on, blah blah.  Joel didn’t give a shit who was sorry and what they would have done.  He pressed the button.  “Who was on duty this mornin’?”  Tommy started to chide him for that, and Joel realized how it sounded, so he shushed Tommy and added, “I ain’t blamin’ anyone, I jus’ might need to ask ‘em questions about Ellie.”  Offline, he snarled to Tommy, “That shithead coulda kidnapped her for all we know.”

“He wouldn’t—“

“You don’ know what he’d fuckin’ do!  He hates me.”

 _“It was Houser and Bryan,”_ said Clicker _.  “Y-Bryan.  Over.”_

“But still.  Kidnapped?  The guys wouldn’t’ve let them go if they thought Ellie was bein’ forced.  An’ Ellie’s smart, she would’ve found some way to tip ‘em off, if it wasn’ obvious.  Hell, she would’ve kicked his ass before they even got anywhere near the gate, if she’s as tough as you say.”

The ‘dam guy’ (Joel recognized the voice but couldn’t remember his name) came on the walkie again.  _“It was Houser who called. Over.”_

Joel knew Tommy was right about Ellie.  He couldn’t help worrying about her; she could be overpowered physically and put at a disadvantage (although even then, she was resourceful enough that it wasn’t a given).  But she was quite capable, and if they were at the gate like that –- presumably without her being bound and gagged -- then she was a willing participant.  “He fuckin’ brainwashed her then!”

“Do you wanna ask the guards about it?  I could ask Cordy to go hunt ‘em down, bring ‘em over to a radio to talk, or to the east gate to meet you when you get back there.”

“No.”  He didn’t really know Bryan, but he trusted that Houser would have barred the exit if given any indication of foul play.  In his gut, Joel knew Ellie had gone of her own accord.  No need to waste time confirming it.  “Where are they goin’?” he asked for what felt like the tenth time.

Tommy took the walkie talkie back from him.  “Thanks, everyone.  We’ll handle it.  Over an’ out.”  He clipped it back on his belt and looked at Joel.  “Eastern Idaho Regional Center.  It’s a medical facility.”

 _What?!_ “A medical facility?  You mean like a hospital?  Why would…”

“He’s vettin’ it for us, might be a place we can do business with or might be a complete waste of time.  He likes doin’ shit like that.  Gets restless bein’ in one place all the time.  An’ he can tell me what sort of barriers an’ whatnot are in between so we know what to— Joel, you’re all ghostly-white again.  She’s fine.  She’ll be fine.”

“It ain’t that,” Joel grumbled.  Well, it _was_ that, just not entirely.  In his mind, Ellie was never ‘fine’ while she was out of sight, because he couldn’t know it for a fact.

Tommy blanched a little too as it dawned on him.  “You don’ think… are you thinkin’ Ellie might…”

It was exactly what Joel was thinking.  What was it she’d said yesterday… _“I don’t belong anywhere in this world.”_ It could have been a throwaway comment, but it had concerned him, and when he’d asked her to explain, she wouldn’t.

“Look, we don’ know if there are any doctors or scientists or whatnot at this place.  It’d be a longshot.  An’ Ellie promised she’d talk to you first if she changed her mind about… doin’ that,” Tommy reminded him.

“She promised she wouldn’ _leave_ without talkin’ to me, an’ she jus’ did.”

Tommy shook his head.  “I don’ think that’s what she meant, though.  She meant if she decided to go give up her life to be a science experiment.  Not leave town for a couple days.”

“It don’ matter –- we’re wastin’ time.  I gotta go after her.”  He half expected Tommy to argue with him about that, but he didn’t.  Either his brother had realized the argument was futile, or he understood that to Joel, it wasn’t even a choice.

“Max gave me a copy of the map he’s usin’.  Hang on.”  Tommy crossed the room to a row of lockers and started rooting around in his back pack.

Joel started pacing again.  “If anything happens to her, I swear to God, Tommy, I’m gonna kill the motherfucker.”  He might kill him even if anything _didn’t_ happen to Ellie.

“Nothin’s gonna happen,” Tommy reassured him, as if he could possibly fucking know that –- and knowing full well that the platitude wouldn’t reassure Joel one bit.  He found the map and turned back to Joel.  “I know you don’ like Max, but he ain’t a bad guy.  Marches to the beat of a differen’ drummer, maybe… that don’ make him bad.  An’ he’s gone on shitloads of these trips, always comes back in one piece.”

“Maybe _he_ does.  But not everyone who’s with him.  An’ if he’s such a good guy, why’s he givin’ booze to a young girl?”

“Look, I ain’t defendin’ that, all right?  But when he’s Outside, he don’ drink.”

“Jesus Christ, Tommy, you’re almost as naïve as Ellie.  How do you know what he does out there?  You go by his word?  His parents’ word?”

“ _And_ I’ve been out there with him!  An’ so have the supply runners who—“

“All right all right I don’ got time for this shit, gimme that!”  He snatched the map from Tommy’s hands and studied it hurriedly.

Tommy stood next to him and pointed at a large chunk in the middle of the map labeled ‘Palisades Wilderness Study Area.’  “I know it’s temptin’ to cut through there ‘cause it’s a straighter shot but we can’t risk it, the trails haven’ been kept up in the last two decades, of course, an’ the mountains—“

“Wait -- ‘we’?” He raised an eyebrow at his brother.

“Sure.  I’m goin’ with you.”

Joel shook his head.  “No you ain’t.  Maria would kill me.”

Tommy rolled his eyes.  “That again?  No, she’d understand.  She loves that girl too, y’know.  An’ if you really think Ellie’s tryin’ to…”

“I don’ know, Tommy.  I don’ know what’s goin’ on in her head lately.”  _Do I want him to come with me?_ Joel quickly weighed the pros and cons.  The extra protection would be nice.  Things were calmer out there in the general vicinity of Jackson, but they knew very little beyond that.  Scouting reports weren’t completely reliable because things could change rapidly between one trip to an area and the next.  An extra person would slow him down, though.  If they took one horse, their combined weight would slow the horse and tire it out much more quickly.  If they took two… the second one would be considerably slower than Joel’s, because he was definitely taking Spirit.  Not a major problem, perhaps -- except then Joel would worry about something happening to Tommy when they got separated.  And if Joel did kill Max, it would put his brother in an awkward position; if he wasn’t even there, plausible deniability applied.  Ellie would still be there, though –- or she’d better be. _Maybe I could trick her…_

Joel arrested that train of thought with a reminder that it was irrelevant for the time being.  He looked at the map again.  “Eighty-nine miles?  Then they’re not even close yet.  I ain’t got time to do the math but I know it’s gonna take hours to catch up with ‘em.  Hopefully they take a lotta breaks.  But still.  Hours.  Thanks, baby brother, but I’m gonna take Spirit an’ jus’ haul ass out there.  Ellie didn’ ride him today, he should be rarin’ to go.”

Tommy chuckled.  “Ain’t that horse more trouble than he’s worth?  Jus’ ‘cause he’s fast don’ mean he’ll do what you want him to.”

“He will.  It’ll be fine.”  Joel couldn’t explain it to Tommy but he could swear that the horse understood him when it came to Ellie… that if he told Spirit that Ellie was in trouble, he’d get it.  Tommy would say it was his imagination.  Joel wouldn’t have believed bullshit like that himself if he hadn’t experienced it firsthand.

“All right.  Even so.  You can’t jus’ take a horse an’ gallop full speed ahead for hours.”

“I know that.  But he’s the fastest one you got an’ he’ll get me to Ellie the fastest.  That’s water there, right?”  He pointed to a reservoir on the map and Tommy nodded. 

“Last we heard it’s actually got water, too.”

“An’ it’s been rainin’ here a bit.  Hopefully been rainin’ out there too so water shouldn’ be an issue.  You _sure_ he’s followin’ the highways?  A hundred percent sure he won’ cut through that wilderness thing?”

“Positive.  Too mountainous.  Only place he might take a slight detour is a small town that used to have bandits livin’ right off the highway there, assumin’ any of ‘em are left… where was it…” Tommy squinted at the map.

“What, your soldier buddies don’ take care of that shit?  He _better_ fuckin’ take a detour then,” Joel muttered, incensed at the thought of the asshole leading Ellie through a dodgy area.  He was angry at Ellie, too, he knew he was… but right now, all of his rage was focused on her companion.  An unmapped detour would make it harder to find them, though.  What if he fucking went _past_ them and didn’t even realize it?  He’d just have to catch up to them before that point.

“Swan Valley, that was it!  Should be mile signs on the twenty-six so you have an idea where you are.  Very small town.  Can’t detour very far, with the mountains an’ all… jus’ enough to avoid the highway.  They’ll prob’ly swing north.”

Joel folded up the map and held it out to Tommy, but Tommy shook his head.  “That’s for you, you asshole.  It came from the library, I can get another one if I need it.  If you all don’ come back here by… I dunno…”

“We’ll be back tonight.  I’ll have the guard radio up here an’ let you know.”  Joel really had no idea what time he’d make it back.  He _would_ be back, with Ellie.  He had to believe that, because he’d go crazy if he dared to think of alternatives.  “We’ll be slower comin’ back, of course.  I’ll rest the horse some, after I’ve got her.  Might need you to talk to her again, you got through to her last time.”  It pained Joel to admit it, but his brother was better at that shit than he was, and if it kept Ellie safe…

Tommy chuckled.  “It wasn’ me.  I jus’ said the words.  It was all you.  But… Joel, what if she refuses to come back with you?”

Shit, he hadn’t even thought of that, and it was such a likely possibility.  Did he really expect that once he caught up to her, Ellie would suddenly do whatever he wanted her to?  She hadn’t even told him she was going, and she _had_ to know he’d be worried sick when he found out she’d gone to a fucking _hospital_ , of all places.  Did she really hate him that much?  _She doesn’t hate you,_ he reminded himself, with a little more difficulty believing it now.  _She’s mad and she’s acting out.  She ain’t thinking straight._ Joel sighed.  “I dunno, I reckon we’ll have ourselves another fight over it.  I can’t worry about that right now.  If she won’ come home with me, I’ll go with ‘em to the hospital an’ I won’ let her out of my sight.”  _And if she told Max about her ‘condition,’ that’s reason enough for me to kill him.  But Tommy doesn’t need to know that._

“An’ if she won’t let—“

“Then I’ll fuckin’ follow their asses there, an’ there won’ be nothin’ she can do about it,” Joel said exasperatedly, heading for the door.  “I gotta get goin’, I’m wastin’ time.  Still gotta ride all the way back to the farm first.  Shit.  Oh –- Tommy, can you see if you can find someone to give Esther or Annie a heads up?  Get Spirit tacked up an’ ready to go?”  Every minute he could save was valuable and it would be really helpful to pretty much be able to hop off one horse on to the next by the time he got down there.  He didn’t care if it wasn’t ‘his’ saddle he’d be riding on.  He also had to swing by the house and pick up a few things.

“I can do that.  Hold up a sec.”  Tommy strode to the door and gave him a quick one-armed hug that took Joel by surprise.  “Good luck.  Be careful out there.”

“Will do, little brother.”  Joel clapped him on the back, then bolted out the door.  The tension between them didn’t matter one bit, when it came down to it.  Ellie… the survival hardships in their past… strip it all away and they were still of the same blood, the only blood kin they had left, to their knowledge.

But Ellie was just as much family to Joel, in his own mind.  Ever since Colorado.  She could be angry with him for the rest of her life… never speak to him again… it didn’t matter, as long as she _had_ a life to spend hating him.  He could bear anything, anything at all, other than Ellie being dead.  Anyway, that was the worst-case scenario.  Joel believed that in time, she would come to understand his side of things.  Like she had about the Fireflies –- that had turned around relatively quickly, to his surprise.

Maybe she was just going along for the ride with Max, not looking to sacrifice herself for an allegedly noble cause… it was a risk Joel couldn’t take.  Even if he _could_ somehow magically know her intentions, or know that there wouldn’t be anyone in that hospital willing to slice her up in the name of saving humanity, he couldn’t just sit on his ass and wait for her to come back.  Yes, she was capable, but she was still human.  And she was with a guy Joel didn’t trust.  Ellie _did_ trust the dickwad, which only made it worse.  Maybe Max was only being kind to her the other day to lure her out completely from under Joel’s thumb… and do _what?_ He couldn’t go there.  He had to believe Tommy was at least partially right about the fucker.

And he had to be focused.  Single-minded.  Alert as fuck.  At times like this, it was helpful to have the ability to stuff his emotions into some dark corner where he couldn’t feel them, to be the machine he needed to be.  To be what _Ellie_ needed him to be:  strong and sure, her own personal human safety net.  Always there, whether she liked it or not.


	31. All That Matters

Ellie was starting to get really tired of her stupid, stubborn brain:  she could not stop thinking about Joel.  It wasn’t Max’s fault that he wasn’t Joel -- in fact, the distinction was quite welcome -- and she needed to quit wishing Joel were here for her to share stupid shit with.  Like how the cloud at the two o’clock position in the sky resembled that Doc guy from  _Back to the Future._ To which Joel would likely reply, good-naturedly, that it didn’t look anything like that and where does she get these bizarre ideas from? 

Or maybe this would be one of those rare times he looked up and saw exactly the same thing she did.

She would never know.   _And it doesn’t fucking matter.  When are you going to GET it, Ellie?  You and Joel are two separate people on two separate paths now._

She considered sharing her cloud observation with Max… and decided against it.  She didn’t even know if he’d seen that movie.  And maybe it was childish, looking for shapes in the clouds.  Wasn’t she supposed to be scouting for danger instead?  Hadn’t she promised not to be annoying?

Max wasn’t nearly as snarly as Joel had been in the beginning, last summer -- a lifetime ago.  If Ellie did speak, he conversed with her politely.  Didn’t tell her to shut up or anything.  But he didn’t initiate conversation, either, and she got the feeling he’d rather enjoy the silence.  Which was what _she_ should have been doing.  She was supposed to be clearing her head, getting a fresh perspective…

Letting go of Joel.

 _Right.  Just like that.  Because it should be so fucking easy to do._ Well, it was early yet.  They’d only been out a few hours.  And it wasn’t like she had the luxury of disappearing completely into her thoughts; they were back in the real world, where lack of observation could get you killed.

So… why exactly did she think this trip would be a good way to sort out her thoughts?!

Max’s voice saved her from having to figure that one out.  “Hey, sunshine -- you hungry yet?  I been through here before and that there camper” –- he gestured to a vehicle parked in front of a body of water on their left -- “is a sweet little spot to take a break.  Clemmy should be thirsty.”

“Yeah, okay, I could eat.  Let’s go!”

Max directed the horse that way at a trot and they reached the water in about fifteen seconds.  Ellie idly wondered how many yards it was off the road.  Joel had been trying to teach her to estimate distance measurements the way he did -- in football fields.  Yards and feet.  It didn’t come easily to her, though, and it felt way more natural to apply time measurements to it.   _“X is a 10-second run away from Y.”_ Not as accurate as some kind of universal unit of measure that didn’t need to fluctuate based on varied speeds, but really, all of it was just guesswork, so what did it matter?

With Clementine tethered near the water and the camper deemed clear of hostiles, they sat in the little booth inside to eat their roast elk sandwiches.  She and Joel had eaten in campers like this before.  Or more like, Ellie had eaten inside while Joel kept watch outside; he didn’t like being cooped up with limited vision.  Then Ellie would pretend she was at a restaurant, and call for Joel-the-waiter to fetch her random things she’d heard of but never tried, like cocktail sauce (which sounded totally gross to Ellie, even though Joel assured her it actually had nothing to do with cocks or tails… or Molotovs!).  Joel didn’t play along, and sometimes he seemed annoyed, but more than once she’d caught him trying to hide a smile beneath the scowl.  He could be so adorable when he—

 _Stop it, Ellie._ “Should one of us maybe eat outside?” she asked tentatively.  “It’s kinda… I dunno… boxed-in-like in here?”

“Naw, we won’t be in here long.  I look that way, you look this way, Clementine there will make a fuss if something’s coming anyhow.  You can sit out there if you want, though.  You claustrophobic, or…?”  Something about the way he said that, or maybe the way he looked at her when he said it… _does he think I’m afraid of him or something?  Pfffff._

She emphatically shook her head.  “I’m okay.  Not like we’ve seen shit today for Infected or other people.”

“We’re at least an hour or two away from the bandits I was telling you about.  Hunters…whatever you wanna call ‘em.  If they’re even still there.”   

“Did you watch football as a kid?” she blurted out.

“Football?  Not much.  I was more into baseball.  Why?”

“You think of things as hours or seconds away and not like, football fields, then.”  Although even Joel probably wouldn’t think of several miles or further in those terms.

Max chuckled.  “Right?  Homeruns got measured in feet but I was too little to pay much mind to all that.  I just wanted to play.  I was only six at the end so I never made it to Little League.”  He took a bite and chewed it thoughtfully… like he was chewing on the past.  Ellie had seen Joel look like that before, sort of wistful…not exactly sad.  Max swallowed before he spoke and then it was like he’d never ‘left.’  “You know Buster?  Did you know he was actually named after a baseball player?”

“Yep!” Ellie chirped.  “Except his real name is Chad, just no one ever calls him that.  Joel thought it sounded like a dog’s name and he like, made fun of it, until we found out, and then when Buster said the baseball guy’s name he was like ‘OHHHH YEAHHHH, _that_ guy!’ -- Joel actually saw the baseball one play.  Buster…Posse?  Something like that?”

“Posey,” Max corrected, laughing at her guess.  “I used to know who played on what team and all that, but that stuff… gone.  Too young.”

“Joel says he’s too old to remember it all.  It’s in there, though, if you say the right thing to trigger it or whatever.”  Ellie snorted.  “I talk about Joel too much, huh.  Sorry.”

“S’alright, hon, he’s a big part of your life.”

“ _Was_.”  Ellie felt her chest tightening.  _No no no FUCK that.  I’m NOT going to get emotional._ “I’m with you now.  I mean… er… not like… you know.  _With_ you-with you, like I’m _your_ problem now or something, just… right _now_.”  If her face got any hotter they could probably use it to heat up their meat.

Max didn’t tease her, at least.  “I know what you mean.  And you ain’t no problem.  For anyone.”

Ellie took a gigantic bite of sandwich so she wouldn’t have to speak right away.  _I AM, though… for Joel._

“I like having you along,” Max continued, possibly misinterpreting her silence.  “You’re not annoying, like some people.  Most people, even.  And you’re no trouble.  At all.  Don’t know why you keep thinking you are.”

Ellie frowned.  She was pretty sure Joel would disagree with that.  Not because she was helpless or anything.  More like… she made him worry.

_What the fuck am I even doing out here?_

Max didn’t get it, of course –- how could he?  “What is it?” he asked her when she kept frowning instead of talking.

She shook the sour expression off her face and commanded herself once again to fucking quit thinking about Joel.  “Nothing.  So maybe… this will be good for you, in a way.  Me being here, with you, and not getting killed.”

“Well, sure, not getting killed is a good goal,” he quipped.

“I mean like… the outcome will be different so you can… well… feel better… about stuff?”

“I feel all right…?”

“Maybe it can be like a _Silence of the Lambs_ thing,” she added with sudden inspiration.

“Quiet lambs?  What?”  He gave her a quizzical look.

“No, it’s a movie.  A pretty fucked-up movie about this cannibal guy that I thought might give me nightmares…” - _or even a panic attack, but_ _I talked to Joel about it afterwards and I was fine.  He held me and petted my hair and made me feel safe… stuff that doesn’t happen anymore._ “…but, um… it didn’t.  Anyway, the lady tried to save a lamb from being slaughtered when she was a little girl -- she tried to save all of them, actually, but it didn’t work and she could only take one and run away with it.  But she didn’t get very far, they caught up to her and the lamb got killed with all the rest.  There was nothing she could do about it, it wasn’t her fault, but she felt bad.  Guilty.”

“O…kay?”

“No wait, there’s more to it!  So, as a grown-up, she’s trying to catch a serial killer with the help of this other really creepy serial killer, the cannibal dude -- she talks to him in this room they locked him in and tells him about how she still hears the lambs screaming at night… it like, haunts her.”

“Why would she tell him that?”

“She had a good reason –- it doesn’t matter!  So, she has a chance to save this one girl who hasn’t died yet.  Just one.  And somehow she knows that if she can save her... if she can do that, then the lambs will stop screaming.”

His what-the-fuck expression finally gone (replaced by one too neutral for Ellie to read), Max was quiet a few beats.  “I get what you’re sayin’.  I don’t hear no lambs screaming, though.  Seriously.  I sleep just fine.”  He washed the last of his sandwich down with a big gulp of water and scooted out of the booth.  “You relax in here a bit longer, I’m gonna go take a look around and answer nature’s call.”

“Okay.”  Ellie wondered if Max was trying to be a tough guy –- like Joel –- or if he truly was at peace with his past.  It occurred to her that she really didn’t know him that well, and that she made a lot of assumptions from very few words actually spoken by him.  Assumptions based on… her experiences with Joel, maybe?  _He’s not Joel, though.  The only person who’s Joel is Joel._   Pretty basic concept… pretty hard to grasp at times, for some reason.

Still… he’d made some remark about things being strained between him and G ever since Zoe died.  Or… strained in general?  Maybe since before she died.  It made sense to Ellie that her death would cause a rift there, or heighten any existing tensions.  Ellie hadn’t been there, she couldn’t say for sure what had transpired… but even if Max had made some mistakes, it wasn’t fair to hang that on him.  That’s just the way life _was_.  She and Riley had both been bitten, but only Riley had died.  Then Tess got infected.  Sam got infected.  If Ellie could rewind time and change something about those encounters to bring about a different outcome, she would.  She wasn’t sure what she could have done for Tess and Sam, but Riley was easy -- they could have just stayed in her fucking room that morning.   _Then I never would have met Joel, though…_ Even with all the grief he’d given her, she couldn’t wish that away.  It wasn’t like choosing him over Riley, because there was no actual decision to be made.   _It is what it is…_ (dumb expression though that was -- how could something be what it  _wasn’t?_ ) Life seemed pretty random at times, but some things felt fated.  Meeting Joel was fate.  One way or another, she’d be dead now if it wasn’t for him.  If Marlene had been the one to deliver her to the Fireflies, or even Tommy… dead.  If she even made it there.  On her own, she probably wouldn’t have made it out of Boston.  With someone else, maybe a little further than that.  But Joel… he was so strong that even the injury that should have killed him didn’t stop him.  If meeting Joel was fate, then getting herself bitten must have been fate, too.

Ellie wished like crazy that she could share these thoughts with Joel, because she knew it would make him happy to hear that she was coming to terms (or at least starting to?) with what they called ‘survivor’s guilt.’  But Joel wasn’t here.  Anger flared up inside her.  Before she could start commiserating with herself about how ‘this is all his fault,’ she realized how irrational that thought was.  Joel had made it very clear he wanted her with him.  If she was honest with herself, she had to admit he hadn’t done anything to make her feel humiliated or ashamed in what little interaction they’d had since that disastrous night she’d made a fool of herself.  Even with good reason to, like when she’d acted sort of slutty that night she’d been drunk…

She didn’t have time to dwell on any of it for long, because as soon as she and Max set out again, she flipped the switch in her brain back over to hyper-alert mode.  Just because they hadn’t run into trouble yet didn’t mean the whole trip would be a breeze.  It was a relief, in a way -- if Ellie had any regrets about leaving, there was nothing she could do about it now, so why torture herself?  It was too late to turn around.  When they got back, she could apologize to Joel if her leaving upset him, maybe try to explain how she thought this would help her… he’d understand.

Max cautioned her as they got closer to ‘Hunter Valley’ (Swan Valley, actually, but Ellie renamed it in anticipation of seeing more hunters than swans) that there could be men roaming the areas nearby, hunting or foraging or whatever they did to survive.  Supposedly the motherfuckers liked to pretend it was a toll road –- a road you had to pay to use –- and they were the ones who collected the toll, a fee of whatever the fuck they felt like taking.  Ellie kept the rifle handy; Max apparently shared Joel’s kill-or-be-killed philosophy when it came to other survivors, but would rather avoid them altogether –- less risk, less ammo used up.  Ellie wondered how Tommy and Maria had managed to bring so many people inside Jackson’s walls.  According to Max, he’d never ‘picked up any strays’ from any of his excursions.

But there weren’t any other people around that they could see.  When the town finally came into sight on the horizon, Ellie scanned the streets with the binoculars they’d brought.  Not like you could even call it a town… all she saw was farmhouses dotted very sparsely along the road.  Still no people.  Max directed the horse to go north -- away from the highway, around another body of water, through a forest of pine trees.

“Are you sure we really need to go through the woods here?  There’s like, _no one._ ”

“Maybe they’re hiding in the houses all sniper-like,” Max speculated, keeping their course.

“What if they’re hiding in the trees instead?”

“Lot harder to hit us in there with all that cover, if they are.  But why would they be?  Most people passing through will follow the highway.”

Just as Ellie was about to swing the binoculars toward their new destination, she saw something that made her gasp.  “Wait!  Wait!  I think there’s Infected down there -- look!  Behind the second house, on this side… reddish house…”  She thrust the binoculars at Max and he pulled the horse to a stop.  “See it?  I think it’s a Runner.”

“I think you’re right,” Max muttered.  “Wonder how many there are.  If there ain’t that many, this is a good thing.  We can outrun them on a horse if we’re spotted and they won’t be shooting after us like humans would.”

“So… hooray for the hunters getting infected?”

“Better them than us.”

A year ago, Ellie would have thought that was a shitty thing to say.  Now she understood.  If it was shitty, it was only because the way of the world, of _survival_ , was shitty.  Joel would have said the same thing… not that Joel was exactly a great moral compass.  But still.  “Maybe they left.  Like the Infected came along and drove them out.”

“Maybe.  It ain’t our problem.”  Max handed the binoculars back to her and urged Clementine towards the trees again.  “We can tell the outpost soldiers and let them deal with it as they see fit.  Some of ‘em love hunting down Infected.”

“Even if there’s only like, two or three of them over there?  We could totally take them out.”

“You got a way to count that don’t involve traipsing our asses through there?” he asked mildly.

“All right, fine,” Ellie conceded.  “We should save our ammo anyway.”

“Atta girl.”

Another thing Joel might have said.  She wished she could tell Max to cut it out, but how?  He was just saying stuff that people say, not purposely imitating Joel.  _If he calls me ‘baby girl,’ though…_

A figure moving amongst the trees arrested her thoughts.  “Max –- eleven o’clock, see it?  Another Runner, looks like.”  She scanned the area surrounding it through the binoculars.  “I’m looking… looking… I don’t see any others with him.  Want me to shoot him?  With an arrow, I mean.  Quietly.  If I miss then you can try?”

“Go for it.”  When they got within range, Max brought them to a stop again, with Clementine turned to give Ellie a good angle, and leaned forward, hugging the horse’s neck, to give Ellie more maneuverability and a better shot.  Unlike Spirit, Clementine was pretty good at standing still.

The thing was moving slowly enough that Ellie felt confident she could nail it.  It hadn’t been that long since she’d done this –- she couldn’t be rusty yet, could she?  She drew the arrow back in the bowstring… resisted the urge to hold her breath (because she could hear Joel lecturing her in her head)… _concentrate… aim… focus on the target…_ the arrow zinged through the air.

It hit the target, but not fatally.  The Runner yelped and spun around wildly.

“Shit shit shit!” Ellie hissed.

“One more, one more -- hurry,” Max urged, trying to keep the horse still, cooing to her calmly.  “Don’t worry, girl, Ellie’s got this one.”

She loaded the arrow quickly.  As the Runner spied them and started charging in their direction, screaming its head off, she let it fly.  This time, even with the horse fidgeting, the arrow hit him squarely in the face, and he toppled over.  “ _Yes!_ ”

“Nice shot!”  They galloped over to the twitching body and Max handed the reins to Ellie as he smoothly slid off the horse.  “Stay there.  Gotta make this quick.”

“You think he was loud enough that the ones on the highway heard?”

“Or more in the woods here maybe.”  Max retrieved both arrows as well as two small boxes of ammunition from the thing’s pockets, which he waggled at Ellie.  “Bet this one was a hunter.”

He was on the ground for less than fifteen seconds.  Just as he remounted the horse, taking the reins back from Ellie and swinging his leg over –- he hadn’t even quite plunked his ass down in the saddle yet -- Clementine squealed and took off, clearly spooked.  Two more Infected had burst out from nowhere… well, from somewhere in the trees to their right.  They gave chase, moaning and yelling, summoning who knows how many more of their kind behind them.  The trees were dense enough that Clementine couldn’t gallop away full speed ahead, but sparse enough that she could navigate a path through.

The horse stayed ahead of the Infected, but only just.  Ellie didn’t relax until they reached a clearing and Clementine was able to gallop forth like the wind.  Holding tight to Max, Ellie turned her head and watched the Infected grow smaller and smaller.  A memory flashed through her mind… her and Joel and Bill, in that truck they’d driven out of Bill’s town, a much larger horde of Infected than this tailing them.   She had felt quite proud of herself for actually being a help to Joel then, not just dead weight cargo… and she thought he was proud of her, too, although he’d never admit it in those days.  They’d come such a long way since then -- literally, but also in terms of their relationship.

 _Why the hell am I doing this?_  she thought yet again. She shoved the thought away, frustrated with herself.

When they’d gotten who knows how many of Joel’s football fields away ( _ha!_ ), Max slowed the horse to a canter, so they were still moving pretty quickly, but she wouldn’t keel over from exhaustion.  Neither of them could guess at what point the Infected stop chasing their prey.  ‘ _Out of sight, out of mind’?  No hearts growing fonder here so let’s go with that._

“You okay back there?” Max called over his shoulder.

“Me?  Of course -- nothing even happened.” 

“It was still scary, though.”

“I’ve seen worse.  Me’n’Joel have  _fought_ through worse.  That was nothing.”

“Good ‘cause if the fright gave you a heart attack, we’re too far away from the hospital for them to help you.  If they even have the means to.”

Ellie chuckled.  “Guess it’s a good place to be going, on the Outside.  If we get hurt, they can patch us up.  Maybe.  If your tip wasn’t bullshit.”

“I’d be surprised if it was  _complete_  bullshit, considerin’ the source, but maybe the place ain’t all that special.  Pretty sure if we get  _infected_ , we’re on our own.”

“Ya think?” Ellie snorted.   _Whatever.  I’m already infected!  Maybe they’ll have Firefly equivalents there working on a… OH MY GOD._ “Wait!  Stop!  Stop the horse!”

Max slowed them to a walk.  “Stop?  Why?”

“I have to go back!”

“What?!”

“I shouldn’t have left.  Joel’s gonna freak out if he thinks-- it might  _kill_ him.”  She lunged sideways and tumbled off the horse before Max could stop her, curling her body up as it rolled.  Jumping off a horse was much easier than falling off one.

“What are you doing?!  You’re gonna hurt yourself.”  He circled Clementine around behind her.  “So, he freaks out.  We talked about that, hon.  Wasn’t pissing him off part of the appeal?”

Suddenly that sounded so juvenile.  “Yeah, but… I wanted him pissed at  _me_ , for leaving, not… not like… shit, he’s _so_ gonna freak out,” she repeated unhelpfully.  She stood up and brushed herself off.  “As soon as the guards tell Tommy, he’ll tell Joel.  If they remember to tell him.  Maybe… well, even if they don’t, I betcha anything Esther says something at dinner and Joel grills her and Annie about me, and if he can’t find me, maybe then he’ll ask Tommy about who all left today, and Tommy knows you’re going to a hospital, right?”

Max dismounted and stood before her.  He seemed more confused than annoyed.  “Yep, he knows.  If your friend talks to his brother… and they ask whoever’s on duty now… most likely it was noted that you left.  On the log they keep at each post.  If you’re lucky, neither of ‘em remembered to log it.  Why are you shitting bricks about it all of a sudden?”

_Because I’m a horrible person.  Because what if Joel assumes the worst -- that I broke my promise and left without telling him to try to help with a cure?  What better place to go than a hospital that might have doctors and maybe even Fireflies?  He knows I’ve been upset, sad… he might think I said ‘fuck it all’ and just… fucking LEFT.  Which is kind of what I DID… I didn’t mean it like that, Joel!  Oh God, what if it doesn’t kill him but he hates me for this?  I can hear it now… “You know what, Ellie?  Fuck you.  I cared about you and all you did was punish me for it and dick me over.  I am DONE.  Go let them kill you for all I care.  I never should have—“_

“Hey!”  Max’s voice silenced in-her-head Joel.  He placed his hands on her shoulders (not unlike the way Joel used to sometimes when he wanted her to focus on him) and caught her eye.  “What changed?  You were fine with all this.”

“I can’t explain it, I just remembered something and I can’t... I _can’t_ do this to Joel.”  She swallowed a lump in her throat; tears were a nuisance she couldn’t afford right now.  “And I can’t just talk to him in a couple days, I can’t stand it -- I have to go.  I’m sorry.  I know I’m a shit, I don’t mean to ditch you, it’s just… I _have_ to.  You’ll be okay, right?  You like going Out by yourself?”

Max frowned.  “So you aim to walk aaaaaalllll the way back to Jackson.  Through Infectedville back there.  Do you know how far we’ve come?”

“I know, we’ve been gone for ages, but I have no choice, Max!  I need to get going.”  She ducked away from his loose grip on his shoulders, but then he grabbed her arm.

“Hang on.  Do you really think I could let you do that?”

She spun around and glared at him.  “Let go of me!  It’s _my_ choice!”  He’d always been cool about her doing whatever she wanted, so it was especially irritating to hear him sound even more like Joel –- in an authoritarian role this time.  Only… there was something sinister about the way he said it.  And he _did_ look annoyed now.  Ellie certainly couldn’t blame him for that.  But she didn’t care -- Joel was more important.

Max did let go, at least.  “You saw how many Infected there were in Swan Valley.  And you think you can just waltz on through, slick as a whistle?”

“As a whistle?  No, those are loud.  I’ll be quiet.  I can sneak right by them.”

“Say you manage to sneak by ten of ‘em and the eleventh one sees you, or hears you.  They’ll swarm you.”

“Then I’ll kill them!  Max, I _have_ to go back.”  Her tone was pleading now.  It really wasn’t up to him, but if he physically wasn’t going to _let_ her… _I’ll have to hurt him, just a little.  I’d rather not, but I will if I have to…_

“Then I’ll take you back,” he said with a sigh.

Ellie blinked.  It hadn’t occurred to her that he might offer to be her escort.  That was crazy!  “No way, it’s too far, you’d lose this whole day!”

Max shrugged.  “Not like there’s a deadline.  And if you’re that determined to go back…”

“Doesn’t mean _you_ have to go!  I’d feel really shitty if I messed up your trip.  I’ll be okay.”

“Well, _I’d_ feel shitty if I let you go by yourself and something happened.  If that don’t matter to you, just think, how would your friend feel about it?  He’d try to kill me if I let you go off on your own.  Come on.”  Max got back on the horse and held his hand out to her.

If anything happened to her, there’d be no ‘try’ about it.  Even though it was her fault, her idea.  Joel wouldn’t care.  He was bound to be furious regardless, but Ellie felt confident in her ability to intervene on Max’s behalf, so as long as she survived, it would be fine... _if he still cares.  Maybe this is the last straw and he doesn’t give a shit anymore._ Ellie didn’t know what straws had to do with anything, she just knew the last one was really bad… really _final_.

It didn’t matter which scenario applied here –- either way, she needed to go back and see Joel, make sure he was okay… apologize for her behavior… swallow her pride… try to be more the way he wanted her to be so he wouldn’t leave her. 

“I won’t let him kill you.”  Having this argument again would be a waste of time (plus she would lose) so she conceded the point.  “But fine… um… maybe if we just go past where all the Infected were?”  Ellie took his hand and clambered back up on the saddle.

“That’s a start.  But just ‘cause we didn’t run into any trouble before, that don’t mean that you won’t on the way back.”

“Okay, okay, let’s just get going.”  _Wait, why am I even arguing with him?!_ If she let Max take her all the way home, obviously she’d get there way faster -- maybe before Joel even realized she was gone!  She could find some way to make it up to Max later.  No matter which choice she made here, she was a dick who was fucking someone over, and she’d rather be dickish in Joel’s favor. 

The romance crap that bothered her so much –- she could get over it.  The cuddling –- well, they’d been just fine before it started, the entire time they were on the road.  It didn’t matter.  Joel had _loved_ her.  And she loved him –- before she’d gotten any ideas in her head about them being more than friends, she’d loved him.  It was the core of their bond.  Surely she could just talk to him, tell him he was right about her being a dumb kid, about _everything_ , and plead for another chance!  The thoughts and feelings and words were tumbling through her head now, dizzying and exciting and _maddening_ because she had to wait several long hours, if not more, to make amends.  Everything she could say to Joel, every promise she could make -- whatever she had to do to make him love her again, she would do it.

And if he still didn’t want her around after this, she could handle it.  He could hate her forever -- maybe that’s even what she deserved.  She could handle anything, except for Joel being dead.  A chill came over her as she recalled Tommy’s warning:  _‘_ _If you leave here… you’d not only be endin’ your own life, I’m damn well sure you’d be endin’ his too.’_   Max had been wrong when he said Ellie didn’t owe Joel anything:  she owed him her _life_.  And right now, Joel was probably wondering why he went to such great lengths to save it.

 _Oh please please please let Joel not even know I’m gone yet!_ she pleaded with whatever gods or cosmic forces would grant her wish.  “Can’t we go a little faster?” she pleaded with Max.

They’d only been backtracking for a couple of minutes when they met a strange sight –- a horse galloping in their direction at full speed.  A tacked-up horse without a rider, even.  A sliver of fear knifed through Ellie.  _What the fuck is Spirit doing out here?!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're thinking, "huh, I never noticed the chapters had titles before" -- you're not unobservant, I only just now added them :) The numbers not lining up right after C22 finally bothered me enough that I had to fix it.
> 
> Only one chapter left! It's gonna be reeeeeally long. And I'm not splitting this one. Just cuz. It should be up this weekend!


	32. Point of No Return

Joel hadn’t expected to run into Infected in Swan Valley; Tommy had warned him about a band of hunters.  Detouring through the evergreens to the north, with a pond acting as a natural barrier, had appeared to be the best way to avoid confrontation, just as Tommy had predicted… although Joel hadn’t seen shit along the highway.  Maybe Tommy’s intel was outdated, or just plain wrong.  Or maybe the motherfuckers were holed up in one of the houses out of sight.  Yeah, that was probably it.  If they were in the woods, he’d likely see or hear them in time to turn back if needed.  Spirit was probably too high-strung to let him get a good shot off.

And he did see the Runner in plenty of time… but so did Spirit, and the horse promptly freaked the fuck out.  Joel would wager that Spirit had encountered Infected before and knew how dangerous they were.  He pulled hard on the reins -- enough to pull Spirit’s head back and prevent a buck –- and managed to turn him around.  Unfortunately, the squeals of alarm had alerted the Runner to their presence… and in his experience, where there was one Runner, there were likely to be more nearby.

Not necessarily a problem -- the horse was fast.  But without knowing what he’d be riding into, it seemed safer to circle back through the sleepy, abandoned farmhouses that peppered the landscape along the highway.  He’d be damned if he was going to head straight back to where they came from.  Which, of course, is what Spirit wanted to do; he tried to throw Joel again, repeatedly, and though logically he understood that the horse was acting on instinct, he didn’t have time for this shit, and in frustration, he unleashed a string of insults and obscenities on Spirit (as if that might ‘scare him straight’?!), which quite possibly aggravated the horse all the more.

Still, they did get on track, and if Spirit wanted to gallop through what passed for a town, so much the better, as far as catching up to Ellie.  But almost as soon as he’d had the thought, Spirit slammed on the brakes –- Infected in front of them!  After another bucking attempt, Spirit whipped around, only to find that the lone Runner behind them had a few buddies now as well.  Joel wished he could gauge how deep the water was in the pond.  _Do Infected remember how to swim, if they knew as humans?  How do I not know this?_ He couldn’t recall ever seeing Infected swim, but he could say the same of Spirit.  South seemed the safer bet, with more farmhouses and open fields…and possibly more Infected.  He had to risk it.  Spirit could dodge the bastards, if Joel could just convince him not to run in the complete opposite direction.

And there were indeed more Infected to the south –- after they crossed the highway and swung around behind the houses along it, Joel saw two heading their way -- but it didn’t matter:  he finally failed to prevent Spirit from bucking and rearing.  Although Joel endured a round of that, Spirit managed to free himself of his pesky rider with a sharp turn and a well-timed buck that toppled him off.  At least the horse had been considerate enough to do it in the fucking grass.

It hurt, but didn’t quite knock the wind out of him, which he hoped meant nothing was broken.  His gear was thrown with him, naturally, and the backpack, while not exactly a pillow to land on, had cushioned his fall somewhat.  His guns were still holstered, and he still had the spiked pipe.  Several Runners started chasing Spirit, leaving seven or eight in Joel’s vicinity that needed to be dealt with.

He quickly set and chucked the lone nail bomb he had preassembled –- that took care of only two of the motherfuckers, and now there were more of them clambering off the back porch of the nearest house, about two hundred feet away.  The Runners pouring out of that house called to mind, quite uncomically, an image of clowns emerging from a clown car.  _Shit!  There’s gotta be at least twenty of ‘em now!_ He would cut them off with a Molotov cocktail if he could dispose of the ones closest to him in time to light one.  He didn’t want to start swinging the pipe until he’d thinned out the mini-crowd a little… ideally just enough that none of them could jump him as he did so.  He whipped out the Shorty and fired hastily at Runners on two sides… three shots, two more Infected down. 

Then he heard that dreaded _click-click-click_ echolocation sound that never failed to make his skin crawl.  Two Clickers coming from the house, headed towards the noise but who perhaps hadn’t ‘seen’ him yet, judging by their slow movements.  They must have travelled a long way to get out in the boonies like this.  Paradoxically, he wished Ellie were here to help him fight, yet he was thankful that she wasn’t, that she was safe… as far as he knew.  _Do I have time to light a Molotov now…_ No!  He cursed his momentary indecision as the Runners closed the gap.  _Fuck it--_ He lunged at the nearest one and split its head open with the spiked end of the pipe.  The blade was probably good for at least one more kill, maybe two… but there were too many of them, he had to get out of this clusterfuck—

Too late -- one grabbed him from behind before he could wrench the pipe out of the skull he’d just whacked with it.  He struggled to free himself while simultaneously kicking at three others to keep them at bay.  Whatever amount of pain these monsters experienced, it never seemed to deter them from their maniacal attack; the miserable shits had no self-preservation instinct.  Once he broke the Runner’s grip, he slammed the thing on the ground and stomped on its face, then retrieved the pipe and dealt two more lethal blows to the others before the blade broke away from it, diminishing its value.  It would still do more damage than his bare fists, though.  He bludgeoned the survivor of that little quartet with it, only enough to buy him time to get the fuck away from that spot.  The Clickers were definitely targeting him now.  He hoped like hell there were no more of them.

Joel sprinted away from the pack, somehow managing to grab the shotgun mid-stride, and turned around, firing almost blindly at the group –- it didn’t take much skill to shoot a bullet into a moving wall, after all.  He got a few shots off before it was time to sprint again; there were still too fucking many of them.  And he needed to take out those goddamn Clickers.  He could probably handle it if a Clicker and Runner got to him at the same time, but he couldn’t count on being able to fight off two Clickers at once.  They were too lethal, too strong, too quick to move in for the kill.

If he took the time to shoot any more, some of them would overtake him.  If he kept heading south and managed to make it to the next band of trees, that would give him some cover… but he’d have to run through a pretty large clearing to get there, followed by a rather steep hill, and if there were more up there, he’d be fucked, flanked by a mountain on one side and Infected on all others.  Better to try to dodge them by darting around buildings… dead cars… _argh_ , there just wasn’t enough of that shit around in this tiny so-called town!  If he could escape some of them and find Spirit… _what if he’s long gone?  How will I ever catch up to Ellie in time?!_

Joel couldn’t worry about that right now.  If he died here, it was a moot point.

For now, at least, he ran faster than they did.  Changing direction made him lose a little ground, but he maintained a fairly solid lead on the front of the pack.  He managed to confuse some of the fuckers by ducking into a farmhouse and pitching a lamp out of a broken window, shattering it on the front porch.  The ones that weren’t right on his ass went to investigate the noise, and the ones that were got slowed down at least a tad by the natural obstacles in the house.  Shooting them would, of course, re-attract the attention he’d just diverted, so he bolted up the stairs and took cover in a random bedroom where he could catch his breath, if nothing else.  Hopefully he could silently strangle a couple of them already in the house, then stealthily creep out of town before the others rediscovered him.  He could save his Molotov… maybe craft one more, he should have enough of the necessary supplies in his backpack.  First things first:  he reloaded.

Ellie and Max must have already passed through here.  He hadn’t seen any dead bodies in the street… he should probably go check the forest to the north, he could regroup there… and he could _not_ think about finding Ellie dead –- he willed that image away before it could take full form as a Runner strolled past his doorway.  His arm was around its neck before it could utter so much as a squeak, and he dragged it into the bedroom as he slowly squeezed the breath out of it.  Joel was glad he’d kept up his physical strength with all the manual labor he’d been doing in Jackson.

But he didn’t get to strangle the next one –- it had a buddy, one who wasn’t far enough behind.  Joel settled for bashing its face into the wall with enough force to split its head open, and whacking the life out of the second Runner with the pipe.  He could hear more Infected roaming the bottom floor… and now he didn’t like the idea of being trapped up here.  He ducked into another bedroom and looked out the window.  _Where are all these fuckers coming from?!_

Taking the time to craft another Molotov cocktail gave him a few moments to think.  There was a football-sized vase laying on its side on the floor by the nightstand, cracked but in one piece.  He grabbed it and hurled it out the open window to the ground below, where it shattered spectacularly, a siren call to every Infected in earshot.  Joel quickly lit the Molotov and waited for them to converge below.

Of course, the motherfuckers didn’t make it _too_ easy for him –- they didn’t climb all over each other and make him a neat little pile to light up.  He waited… he could catch five or six of them now but the Clickers weren’t in there yet… he waited… _Shit!_ The group was starting to disperse itself, so it was now or never.  He lobbed the Molotov into their midst and didn’t wait to find out how many it caught; he needed to get the fuck out of the house.

 _Or do I?_ The houses were so far apart, he’d never make it to the next one without being spotted.  Maybe he could use this one to play a sort of cat-and-mouse game with the remaining Infected.  It’s not like there were hundreds of them; he could wait them out, bow-and-arrow some of them stealthily… _no I can’t!_ Ellie must have the bow, it wasn’t at the house. _Still… I got this._

And he had another Molotov, ideally a fail-safe only, as it was the last he could make with what he’d brought.  He didn’t like being on the second story now; he needed the option of being able to climb out the windows (or the holes meant for windows) if they started closing in.  Joel crept quietly down the stairs while the dumb fucks were out front either getting fried or watching their brethren get fried.  He couldn’t hear the Clickers anymore.  The house seemed to be deserted, although… _shit_ , he did detect some faint noises in the kitchen, which was unfortunate because that’s where the back door was.  If there was only one, though, he could strangle it.  A Runner wandering through the front door foiled that plan, unless he wanted to burst into the kitchen and risk making the thing shriek, which it surely would if it was facing his direction.  He swiftly took cover in an empty nook under the staircase.  It wasn’t ideal, being quite small, door-less, and corner-y, but with no one following him, there was a chance he could remain here undetected a little while.  If he could get all of them to come inside the house, maybe he could set the whole damn thing on fire… but they wouldn’t be trapped, so unless they stayed in there long enough for the roof to cave in on them or something, it wouldn’t do much good, and he’d lose the use of the house himself.  Besides, herding Infected was, he imagined, like herding cats; he could round up one group of them only to have it scatter before he got the next.

He quietly crafted another nail bomb while he waited.  Maybe not quietly enough; he had only just returned the completed bomb to his belt when a Runner discovered him –- and it shrieked, of course.  He quickly drew the Shorty and shot that one in the face (a bit more efficient than beating it to death, and he needed to get out of there _now_ ), and when the kitchen Runner came charging at him, he dispatched it in the same manner.  Now if he could just run out the back door before they all traced the source of the noise and swarmed him…

But three more of them ran through that door.  He returned to the living room, which was oddly clear.  _How many DID that Molotov get?!_ Not enough; through the open door and the two windows facing the street, he could see a handful of Infected.  The side of the house, however, looked safe… or relatively safe… he climbed out the side window –- no Infected.  At least one or two of the three on his tail would have seen him climb out; the others that had been milling about were likely following the gunshots.  _Okay, so, three… I can handle that without more gunfire._ He waited for the first one to start climbing through –- and _whump!_ There went the last of the pipe.  It didn’t kill the Runner, but it stunned it enough to allow him to deal with the second one.  When it was halfway out the window, Joel clubbed its head with the stock of the shotgun, causing it to tumble to the ground.  If the third one was smart, it would stay away from the window now… but of course, these creatures were dumb as rocks.  He grabbed each of the two fallen Runners by the scruff of the neck and rammed their heads together, followed by several hard blows each to finish them off.  He decked the third as it approached him, then turned it around to wrap his arm around its neck and strangle it quietly (which gave his bleeding knuckles a break).

Now if he could stay in line with the house as he headed west, he could possibly sneak away, even through this wide open space, and get out of their weak sight range…

Of course, that would have been too easy.

Two Runners that had wandered out to the back porch screeched an alert to the others and began to chase him.  Joel was confident he could outrun them to the nearest house across the street, some hundred yards down… but halfway there, he stopped dead in his tracks:  _more_ Infected in the street ahead!  Possibly the Runners that had chased Spirit?  Or were there just endless garrisons of the fuckers in this piss-ant town?!  The Shorty made quick work of four of them with the four bullets left in its chamber, but it didn’t clear his path, and now there were about ten more coming up behind him.

 _Better use the Molotov…_ there were more behind him than ahead, but maybe he could fry the ones in front of him and lure the ones on his tail into the fire.  He fumbled with the lighting of it, which cost him another couple seconds, but his running throw was accurate; he veered to his right to avoid running straight into the flames, and a couple of the idiots did run directly into them as he’d hoped.  However, the others were too close now, they were surrounding him, they were all over him –- _fuck fuck FUCK!_ They’d knocked him to the ground; he couldn’t even manage to unholster the shotgun. _Now what –-_ He was in total defense mode, hitting and shoving and kicking and whatever he could to keep them off of him.  At least they were dumber than humans in that they didn’t coordinate their efforts to subdue him… but sooner or later his strength would give out, he had to get the upper hand here… he kept looking for an opportunity to get up and run, not finding one -- _I WILL, though –- I have to get to Ellie –- if I can just break free from this death circle--_

A sudden burst of light and heat to his right startled everyone –- _how did my Molotov jump over there?_ he thought nonsensically.  No matter –- one of the Clickers was getting barbecued in the flames, along with several Runners.  He was close enough to it -- if he could just push the fuckers off of him into the fire before it burned itself out on infected flesh, and avoid toppling into it with them… he heard gunshots, shitloads of them -– _what the fuck?!?! --_ then a Runner came flying out of the fire, knocking him down on the pavement before he could dodge it.  The world turned orange, then a searing hot white as the pain took on a new dimension.  _Jesus fucking Christ, what next--_

A girl’s cry pierced the air.  _“JOEL!”_

 _Ellie!_   Ellie was here!  But it wasn’t Ellie who pulled the burning Runner off of him, or blew the brains out of the other Clicker.  Granted a few seconds to go on the offensive, Joel rolled over a couple times and smothered the small flame licking his upper arm and shoulder, hopped up and quickly fired the shotgun at the closest Runners, using up five bullets to kill them… then he had enough of a breather to scan the landscape for Ellie.  She was knifing a Runner, about a hundred feet away.  One of the fuckers was making a beeline for her –- Joel fired and it toppled to the ground.  No others in her immediate vicinity.

There were three others left –- and there was Max, who had saved Joel from the blazing Runner… and was now grappling with another Runner.  The fire had nearly extinguished itself.

Confident in Ellie’s ability to kill her Runner (he couldn’t risk a shot that close to her anyhow), Joel fired the last round at the Runner directly in front of him, blowing its brains out in spectacular fashion.  Two left, no time to reload.  _Go for the one dealing damage --_ instinctively, he ripped Max’s attacker away from him, pummeling the Runner with strength that was pure adrenaline by this point, finished it off by smashing its ugly face into the ground and crushing its head with his boot heel.  Max had engaged the last Runner, and only then did it occur to Joel that he could have just let Max take his chances… that it made no sense to prevent a person you wanted to kill from getting killed by other means.  Especially when Max getting killed by Infected (or Max becoming infected himself) would keep his own hands clean… in Ellie’s eyes, at least.  He turned in Ellie’s direction to see if she needed him –- she was running towards him now, no enemies in sight –- then back to Max, just in time to see him shoving a hunting knife through the last Runner’s guts.

Ellie stopped short before she reached them, breathlessly asking, “Are you guys okay?!”  Her gaze darted back and forth between him and Max, but lingered on Joel, questioning and uncertain.

Joel didn’t answer.  Aside from still needing to catch his breath, the physically overwhelming shit was over, but somehow Joel still felt… well, _overwhelmed_.  He took another look around… no Infected, but no horses, either.  _Ellie’s here and she’s okay!_ And Max… _I could kill him -- but why didn’t I?!_

Max wiped his knife off on his victim and sheathed it, breathing hard.  He was the one who finally answered Ellie’s question.  “Yeah, think so.  Good job –- your fire bomb killed like three or four of ‘em in one go.  How ‘bout you?  You okay?”

The two of them inched towards each other as Joel stood rooted to the spot.  He was still assessing the situation, feeling utterly relieved that he’d found Ellie –- or rather, that Ellie had found _him_ –- and that she appeared to be unscathed.

And she was smiling.  “Yeah, I’m good.  _Really_ good.”  She looked at Joel when she said it, but then her smile waned.  “Joel, you’re so quiet… and you look… funny.  You should be yelling at me by now.  Are _you_ okay?!”

Joel chuckled.  “I’m fine.  I don’ wanna yell at you.”  He unfroze and moved towards Ellie at the same time she stepped towards him.  He had thought she might hug him, but she made no move to.  She _did_ move, quite deliberately, between him and Max.

“You’re hurt!” she noted with alarm, sobering as she got a closer look at him. 

“Tch.  It’s nothin’.”  ‘Hurt’ was getting impaled on a rebar after falling a couple stories. 

“I’m sooooo sorry,” Ellie said, stricken.  Those big green eyes could melt the iciest of hearts, Joel was sure.  “This was all my fault.”

 _Not all of it_ , Joel thought as he and Max eyed each other.  The guy didn’t appear to be a threat –- it looked like Ellie was trying to protect Max from _him_ , and seemed to think her mere presence would do it -- but Joel wasn’t ready to let his guard down.  He kept an eye on him while reloading the shotgun.

Max retrieved his hat from the ground nearby and surveyed the carnage (amusingly, Ellie rotated herself to stay in line between them).  “You held ‘em off for a good long while,” Max remarked to Joel, sounding genuinely impressed.  “How many didja kill before we got here?  A dozen?  More?” 

They couldn’t even see all the bodies from where they were standing in the street.  Joel figured it was more like two dozen.  “Somethin’ like that.”

It was a sloppy fight, not one Joel would be especially proud of, but Ellie was impressed, too.  “That’s your Molotov burning out way back there, too, isn’t it, Joel?  You were fighting them all over the place, huh.  We killed some on the way back here, too… it’s crazy how many of them there were.  And you didn’t even need our help.”

Joel liked to think he didn’t, that he had things under control and would have been just fine, but he really didn’t know.  No one ever did.  “Sure I did.  You picked a good time to show up.”  At least with Ellie standing between him and Max, he could pretty much look at both of them at the same time.  He didn’t holster the freshly-loaded shotgun.

Ellie beamed at him.  “I’ll go back home with you.  Lemme just say goodbye to Max?”

Joel was ecstatic to hear that, of course… he didn’t even have to plead with her or anything, and she looked so happy… but he couldn’t let Max off the hook yet.  Just because they’d helped each other out in battle -- just because Joel was fuzzy on whether he really wanted to kill him or not -- it didn’t mean everything was all hunky-dory now, that they could all hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya.’  Far from it.  “Maybe the three of us should go have ourselves a chat first,” he growled.

Ellie shook her head.  “I do want to talk to you, but Max has nothing to do with this.  I’ve already delayed him enough.”

“Nothin’ to do with it, huh?” Joel scoffed.  “Who fuckin’ conned you into leavin’ town with him, right after playin’ nice with me like he—“

“No he didn’t!” Ellie interrupted excitedly.  “It was all me, Joel.  He never asked me to come, I begged him to _let_ me come.  Then I realized I shouldn’t have, and I was gonna walk back home, but he wouldn’t let me go by myself, he was gonna take me all the way back even though we’re like halfway through the trip already.  You can’t be mad at him, be mad at _me_!”

Joel was sure that Ellie believed it was all her idea, all her fault… but he was just as sure that Max had engineered things that way.  Maybe he even knew that he’d get to play the big hero, escorting Ellie back to Jackson because she’d changed her mind.  Joel wondered what had changed it.  Wondered if she’d tell him.  He could ask when they were alone. 

“Ellie.”  Ellie’s name rolling off Max’s tongue -- even though it was just to get her attention -- made Joel bristle.  “You sure you wanna go home?  You wanna talk to him an’ decide after?”

“She said she’s comin’ with me, it’s _decided_ ,” snarled Joel, already starting to reconsider the not-killing-him thing.

“I am!  Chill!” she said to Joel before turning back to Max.  “Go ahead.  I’m not gonna change my mind, even if… um, I just won’t.  Though I totally get why you don’t believe that, considering.”  With a sheepish (and adorable) little chuckle.

Max probably found her adorable, too.  He certainly didn’t seem pissed at her.  “All right.  Tell you what.  I’ll check on the horses… guard that barn… keep watch over this area while you two talk.  Take your time.  If you change your mind, fine.  If you don’t, then at least you’ll know no one stole your horse in the meantime.”

“Okay.  Though I really don’t think Spirit would let anyone steal him,” she said with a laugh.  Joel was relieved to hear she’d found the horse.  “I don’t know how long it’ll be… if I take forever you can just leave, okay?  Thank you.  Thanks for everything, Max.  I’m sorry I fucked things up.”  And then she suddenly flung her arms around his neck, which seemed to surprise Max as much as it did Joel.  It took a great deal of will power not to go pull her away from the asshole.  Max would have to be a complete dumbass to do anything to harm Ellie now, with Joel right there, ready to pounce.  _Patience… she’s coming back with YOU, just keep cool..._ She was telling Max something… whispering it in his ear.  Max said something Joel couldn’t make out, then stepped back, tousling Ellie’s hair, which was already somewhat of a tangled mess.  Ellie was all smiles again.  “See you in a little bit then.  Maybe next time the three of us can go somewhere together!” she added brightly.

 _Right, and maybe I’ll make friends with some Infected while we’re at it,_ Joel thought darkly, and from the look on Max’s face, he was having a similar thought.  Max nodded curtly at Joel before turning to leave.  Joel was quite aware that Max had helped him out in the fight, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to thank the asshole.  Besides, he wouldn’t be out here in the first place if it wasn’t for him.  Not killing Max (at least for the time being) was thanks enough.  It was kind of a shame, though –- it would have been so easy to make it look like an accident!  Joel could have been attempting to shoot one of the Runners but _whoops!_ , ended up shooting Max in the head by mistake… hell, even if he’d just risked reloading at the end there, Max could have been bitten in the meantime, and it wouldn’t have been Joel’s fault... Ellie, with that huge heart of hers, might be sad for a little while, but he’d help her get over it.  Before long, she’d forget that Max ever existed.  But things hadn’t gone down that way, so he tucked that little fantasy away for another time.  Maybe Max would get killed before his trip was over.  If not, Joel could deal with him back in Jackson. 

It appeared they were out of danger now, but if he and Ellie were going to have a real talk, he’d rather be somewhere safer.  He gestured to the little house he’d been running to earlier, and they headed towards it.  In the corner of his eye, Max got smaller and smaller, and Joel finally holstered the shotgun.  “We could talk some on the way back, you know,” he pointed out.  “It’s a long ride.”

“No.  Face to face,” Ellie insisted.  “Joel, your shoulder… man.  Does it hurt?  Let me patch it up for you.”

“Nah, it ain’t as bad as it looks.”  It would surely hurt more later on, when all the pain of the day caught up to him.  Totally worth it to find Ellie, of course.  His whole arm could have burned to bits and he wouldn’t have cared, as long as it led to seeing her again, safe and sound.

Joel had Ellie wait on the doorstep while he checked the house.  When he deemed it clear, they sat on a lumpy couch in the living room… not unlike their couch at home.  They angled themselves toward one another, Ellie sitting with one leg curled beneath her.  He still had the itch to hold her, or maybe hold her hand, but he was getting used to the idea of not doing these things anymore.  Maybe she was, too?  He was glad Ellie had some idea of what she wanted to say, because he didn’t really know what to say to her… what could he say that wouldn’t piss her off or hurt her or make her want to leave again?  He would have been content to just silently get them both back safely inside Jackson’s walls.

“I’m sorry about all this,” she began.  “I realized I shouldn’t have left… that you might think… the wrong thing.”

“The wrong thing,” Joel repeated dumbly.  Wrong about what?  Max?  The hospital?  _Just let her talk_ , he reminded himself _.  Don’t jump to any conclusions.  Really LISTEN to her._

“We were going to a medical place… Tommy told you, right?  He didn’t know I was going, so you can’t be mad at him, by the way.  The place had nothing to do with it, though.  We coulda been going to some… I dunno… abandoned carnival grounds or something –- I just wanted to _go_.  I wasn’t gonna, you know… try to go make a vaccine and save the world and shit.  Is that what you thought?”

“The thought crossed my mind, yes,” he said carefully.  Whatever had happened, Ellie certainly didn’t seem volatile right now… but he had a way of accidentally provoking her ire.

“So… you freaked out.”  It was a statement, not a question.  Joel didn’t think his reaction qualified as ‘freaking out,’ exactly, but he didn’t correct her. “I’m soooo sorry, I didn’t even think about that when I left, I only just realized now… a little while ago.  I still don’t want to give up my life like that… even if things are shitty, I don’t wanna just… besides, I promised I’d talk to you first, if I did, and a promise is a promise.”

Joel exhaled.  “Right.  Good.  I’m… glad.”  He was quite a bit more than ‘glad,’ but Ellie probably knew that…

Ellie didn’t seem to expect him to say more than that anyway.  “I don’t want things to be shitty, though.  With us.  You came all the way out here and stuff, so… I’m guessing you want that, too.  Er… _don’t_ want it.  Shittiness, I mean.”

“I want things to be good,” Joel agreed.  “But at this point I’ll take ‘not shitty.’”

Ellie grinned at that.  “Ha!  Okay.  How did you get out here so fast?  I mean, Spirit, yeah, but how did you even know I left?  I thought if you found out at all it wouldn’t be ‘til like… now, or almost now.”

Joel didn’t know what time it was, but the sun had started its descent into the horizon, so it was probably almost dinner time.  “I have my ways,” he said mischievously.

“Whatever, you can tell me everything on the way home.  Just… what do I have to do to… de-shit-ify this?  Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Joel stared at her.  What a complete one-eighty from the ‘I’ll-do-whatever-I-want’ Ellie of late.

Ellie stared back.  “I mean, unless it’s something dumb, like, not ever talking to Max again.”

Well, that was more Ellie-like, at least!  Joel laughed.  “That ain’t dumb.  It’s the opposite of dumb, in fact.  You don’ know him—“

“Okay okay _okaayyyyy_ I really don’t wanna fight about Max again.  Please?  On the way home you can lecture me all you want.  And I’ll pretend to listen.”

“All right then.”  Joel didn’t want to fight about it either.  He was just immensely pleased to see that Ellie was in such good spirits, and that she was willing to work on things with him.  “We’ll table that subject –- for now.  Except… please tell me you didn’ tell him about your condition.”

“Of course not.  I haven’t even told Annie, why would I tell him?”

She seemed to be telling the truth.  “Good.  Don’ tell _no one._ Not even Annie.  If you feel like you gotta talk about it, you come to--”

“I _know_ , Joel, you’ve said it a million times,” Ellie groaned, although she didn’t seem truly annoyed with this particular brand of over-lectured material.

“Maybe only half a million.  You talk to either me, Tommy, or Maria,” he finished the thought.  “An’ you know… if you need time away from me, you don’ gotta leave town, I _was_ gonna--”

“I don’t!” Ellie interrupted him again.  “I never wanted that.”

It was like all or nothing with Ellie.  Either she was doing everything in her power to piss him off, or she was trying to say and do all the things she thought he wanted her to.  “Uh… yeah, you did.  It’s fine—“

“No, Joel, really!  I… well… it wasn’t a _lie_ , exactly…” There was that sheepish look again.  “Okay, I guess it kinda was.  But I thought you knew I didn’t mean it when I told you to leave me alone and… shit like that.”

“You were so angry… you _did_ mean it, the last time, at least…”

“No!” she insisted.  “You were supposed to like… read between the lines.”

“What?  How?”  Old as he was, Joel didn’t feel any closer to understanding the inner workings of the female brain now than he did at age twenty.

“Um… I dunno?  Don’t you kinda just _know_ when I mean what I say and when I don’t?”

Joel pondered that for a moment.  “I reckon I do, sometimes… to a point?  But you were very clear.  ‘Leave me alone, don’t come after me.’”

“Yeah, that actually meant _don’t_ leave me alone and _do_ come after me.  Which you did, today!  I didn’t mean for you to go _that_ far after me.  God, I’m such a… “ Ellie sighed.  “You should be furious with me.  But I’ll try harder.  I’ll make it up to you.”

“Ellie, we ain’t on the road no more.  Uh… at home, I mean.  I don’ wanna jus’… lay down the law for you to follow, an’ you jus’ do it ‘cause you think that makes me happy.  That ain’t… healthy.”  Not a word he was particularly fond of using, but it was applicable.

“Healthy?”  Ellie balked a little at the word, too.  “But don’t you like telling me what to do?  Yeah, you do.  You love it.”

Joel chuckled.  “Well… maybe.  Sometimes.  It’d be better if we talked shit through until we agree on what to do.”

“Like… compromising.”

Joel winced.  That was so… _relationship_ -sounding.  But it did fit.  “Yeah.  Like that.”

Ellie laughed at his discomfort with the word.  “Don’t worry, Joel, it’s painless!  Physically, anyway.”

Reluctant as he was to set her off by unwittingly saying the wrong thing, Joel felt like it was his turn.  “Look, I realize I haven’t handled things the greatest.  You an’ me, we’re… complicated.  It ain’t all cut’n’dry, an’… I know I’ve been…”  He was struggling to find suitable words, and Ellie cut him off.

“I know,” she said, and it felt like she did somehow know what he was going to say, even though he didn’t even know it himself.  “I’ve been angry with you.  Maybe I’m still angry with you, but, the thing is… you have _way_ more reason to be angry.  I know you are the way you are cuz you care about me, and I’ve just been so… nasty, I guess is the right word… to you.  I’m sorry.  Like, _really_ sorry.  I’ve been such a fucking cunt, I wouldn’t blame you if you’re too mad to give me another chance… but if you do, I’m gonna do better, I swear.”

“I ain’t mad at you,” Joel said, quite honestly.  How could he be mad after such a sweet, heartfelt apology that he was pretty sure he didn’t even deserve?  But something about her demeanor still troubled him.  Kind, earnest… to a fault?  “Ellie… I appreciate you sayin’ all this.  But it’s okay to be mad at me and let me know it.  I don’ want you to ‘do better.’  Whatever that means.”

“You don’t?  Do you actually _like_ it when I’m a bitch?”

Joel laughed.  “No, I mean… well, yes.  In a way.  I always want you to be honest with me.  If that means you have to yell, then yell.  When you’re quietly pissed an’ I don’ know what you’re thinkin’… that’s worse.  I think we need to figure out how to talk to each other better, yeah?  Both of us.”

Ellie nodded.  “Our _communication_ skills are somewhat lacking,” she said cheekily.

Joel let out a mock sigh at the use of another relationship-y word.  “Exactly.”

“So when you’re being a total dick, I should just tell you.”

“Yes!  That part, you’re usually real good at,” Joel teased.

She slugged his arm playfully, and both of them laughed.  This was going much better than Joel had anticipated.  _Just don’t fuck it up, it ain’t over yet!_

Ellie got back to business quickly.  Although now her knee was touching his leg… “Okay, so… I could just be nicer about it?  ~Joel, I regret to inform you that you are being some variant of asshole at this present moment~,” she said, affecting a goofy, high-pitched, snobby-sounding accent.

Joel had to laugh.  “Uh… no, I’d rather you jus’ straight up tell me I’m bein’ an asshole.”

“You don’t ever tell me when I’m being a cunt,” Ellie pointed out.

“Because you ain’t one.”

Ellie rolled her eyes.  “You _know_ I am.”

Joel shook his head.  “No.  You’re a kid— a _young woman_ ,” he amended, because he needed to try to remember how much it irritated her to be called a kid, “who’s had a hard time an’ is handlin’ things the best she can.  If you’re angry an’ you let the anger out, that’s… okay.  Good, even.  I can take it.  I’d rather not make you angry in the first place, but… you know how that goes.”  She smiled, and he relaxed even more.  Talking wasn’t so hard, really.  “I would rather hear it than for you to… ignore it, or bottle it up ‘cause you think that’s what I want.  That ain’t real.  I want…”  _How do I say this?_ “…I reckon I want you to know that… you _can_ be real with me.  I ain’t goin’ nowhere, no matter what.  You don’ gotta act a certain way— there’s no requirements, or… jus’… be yourself.  You understand?”

She understood.  He could tell by the way she nodded and ducked her head… embarrassed by emotion, but pleased.  She mumbled something he couldn’t make out.  He gently asked her to repeat herself, and he heard it:  “unconditional.”  Followed by a silent ‘love,’ he was pretty sure.

“That’s right.”  He cleared his throat, afraid he might get a little choked up himself.  Saying the ‘L word’ would have done it.  _Ellie knows I love her.  She pretty much just said so herself._ “When I talk about fixin’ things, I don’ mean you followin’ orders better, or anythin’ like that.  It’s prob’ly more on me.  I gotta change whatever it is I do that pisses you off so much.  But you gotta help me do that.  Some things are… let’s say non-negotiable.  Things _you_ think I do to treat you like a little kid that’s more about me lookin’ out for you.  I’d do it even if you were forty-five instead of fifteen.”

She still had her head down, but she peeked at him with a sly smile.  “So it’s more of a chauvinist thing than an age thing.”

“No it ain’t,” he protested, laughing.  “Maybe a little.  I dunno.”  He didn’t consider himself a chauvinist.  Women were different from men -- that was a fact.  Did acknowledging that make him a chauvinist?

“It’s okay, I kinda like it,” she admitted.  “It’s not something I’m used to.  I mean, I’ve always had rules to follow, like in those stupid schools… but _you_ do it cuz… well… you’re different from them.  What _really_ sucks is when I tell you how I’m feeling –- which you always say you wanna know –- and then you tell me I don’t really feel that way, cuz I’m just a kid.  It’s insulting.”

Joel absorbed that quietly for a moment.  He could have argued that he had a lot more life experience than she did, that he understood some shit that she didn’t yet… but she did have a point.  He nodded.  “I’ll work on that.”

She was sitting up straight again, and had even backed up a little so that no part of them was touching the other.  That was a good sign.  _Maybe she’s more willing to respect boundaries now…_

“So… about the bed thing.”

 _Or maybe not.  Shit._ But before he could even so much as groan in frustration, she shushed him.

“I can sleep in the bedroom, alone, if that’s what you want.  I might have overreacted just a teensy bit on that.”

Joel was surprised.  “I don’ think you did.  At all.  You had good reason to be upset.”  He’d been wondering if he should reconsider his harsh stance on that, but if she was okay with it, it would be stupid of him to back down now.  It _was_ inappropriate to share the bed with her, and despite her claims otherwise, Joel was worried that it had somehow fucked with her head.  Maybe it would show up later, manifesting in the way she related to boys… men… _ugh_.  He still couldn’t stand thinking about her ‘relating’ to them in that way.

“Maybe.  But the thing is, I complain about you not listening to me, right?  Well, I’m a fucking hypocrite cuz I don’t always listen to _you_.  I didn’t, with the bed.  I shouldn’t’ve made it like this big ultimatum.”

Joel continued to be impressed with the maturity she was displaying here.  “I think you did listen.  You jus’ didn’ like what you were hearin.’”

“It wasn’t just that,” Ellie insisted.  “You told me how you felt about it –- before this last time I mean, too! Lots of times! –- and I didn’t care, I whined at you and made you feel guilty and… I even bullied you about it, really.  It makes you very uncomfortable.  Obviously.  So me acting like that… I mean, when you think about it, how is it any different from someone pressuring someone else to have sex, jus’ cuz that’s what _they_ want?”

Joel stared at her for a moment.  How in the world could she equate wanting to innocently snuggle in bed with… She was serious!  And he was sitting there trying not to laugh, a predicament that did not escape Ellie’s notice.

“What?  How is it different?  It’s exactly the same thing.”  She was all defensive now… and maybe even starting to blush.  Hard to tell sometimes with her perpetual sunburn.  Regardless, she was completely, utterly, undeniably adorable.

Joel tried to keep a straight face.  “I don’ think of it that way, but…”

“Don’t laugh at me!”

“I’m not!”

“You are, I see it –- your face fuzz doesn’t hide everything, you know!”  She poked at the corner of his mouth, which was indeed curling up into a smile, and he laughed.  “See?  You’re laughing!”

“’Cause you jus’ made me!”  She was so damn cute.  He couldn’t stand it; he had to hug her.  “C’mere, you.”  She practically leaped into his arms and he squeezed her tightly, cradling her head against his unhurt shoulder. 

Now she was laughing a little, too.  “You get what I mean, though, right?”

“I get it.  I should thank you for tryin’ to see things my way.  Even if you ain’t exactly seein’ ‘em straight.”  When he and Ellie talked this way… openly, sensibly, honestly… these were the times that he could forget she was only fifteen years old, and that he was more than three times her age.  Sometimes he felt so close to her that it was almost like they were one person, a feeling that only seemed to intensify as time went on.  He didn’t give a shit if it was wrong or unhealthy or whatever label someone might want to slap on it.  It was just the way it _was_.  For himself, at least… for Ellie, he needed to care about it.  But what if she did feel exactly the same way?  If her reality was as unflinching as his own?  Would he feel this level of connection if it _wasn’t_?  That she’s-not-a-shrink chick could probably shoot a few holes in these musings, but Joel assumed her knowledge was book-based –- and 2013-based, at that.  He didn’t set much store by it.  What was actually the better course of action to help Ellie:  guiding her to fall more in line with the conventional standards of a society that didn’t even exist anymore, or accepting that she was never going to be a well-adjusted, independent, so-called ‘healthy’ person by such measure?  What would do less damage:  ripping apart the stability of this reality to try to force a new one on her that may not unfold the way he hoped, or embracing that she was fucked up, like him… like many others… and offering her what love and support he could, even if it fostered more dependence on him?

Or was the latter option really just him being a pervert trying to justify his attraction to a teenage girl?

Her legs shifted so she was sitting more comfortably in his lap, and he was glad she was in no hurry to end the hug.  He would happily keep holding her there, rubbing her back… enjoying the feel of her in his arms and the sense of peace it still brought him.  Her hair smelled like a curious mix of dirt and her fruity shampoo.  He kissed it, just like he used to.  _I shouldn’t be doing this, either.  But fuck it -- it feels good to have her close, and she’s so happy right now._ He sighed, more out of contentment than frustration.  “What am I gonna do with you, girl?” he pondered… to himself, only realizing a moment later that the thought had projected spoken words.

She pulled back, and Joel protested internally –- _no, I don’t wanna let you go yet!_ –- but she didn’t pull away from him completely.  Her arms were still around his neck and she remained in his lap.  She was looking at him with those beautiful, soulful green eyes again, searchingly… so close to his face…

And he kissed her.  How could he _not_ , when she looked at him like that?  It was a gentle, chaste kiss, their lips barely touching.  He half-expected her to shy away, to giggle and say _‘okay yeah I guess I AM kinda weirded out by this’_ … she didn’t, though. 

_I REALLY shouldn’t be doing THIS.  I could stop it right here…_

Except he couldn’t.  He pulled back just a little, and her eyes fluttered open... he saw the hope and longing in them… “Shit,” he muttered as he kissed her again, more firmly this time.  One hand entangled itself in her hair, cupping the back of her head, while the other pulled her as close as he could.  _Fuck_ , it felt so good having her body pressed to his -- and embracing her felt like the most natural thing in the world.  Her lips parted and his tongue found hers… he felt warm and tingly and excited and just incredibly fucking happy, happier than he had any right to feel.  They were starring in one of those stupid-ass, cheesy romantic comedies he hated, only this time he didn’t want to turn it off.  She was so sweet… a bit tentative, unsure of herself… but clearly enjoying it.  He kissed her deeply then, holding her as tightly as he dared, the warmth inside escalating to a dizzying heat, and he felt… _alive_.  Vibrantly, brilliantly alive.  The euphoria was unlike anything he could remember.  Joel could have easily spent the rest of the day like that, but finally he came to his senses -- at least enough to stop.

“Whoa,” Ellie breathed.

Joel felt a bit dazed himself.  _Did that really just happen?_  “Ellie…”

She grinned at him triumphantly.  “Don’t ‘Ellie’ me.  You can’t tell me you didn’t like that,” she challenged.

“I sure can’t,” he agreed with a chuckle.  He hugged her, returning her head to its former place on his shoulder, feeling happy as a pig in shit… but also wondering what in the hell he thought he was doing here.  Well… what if it was inevitable for them to get romantically involved?  How long could he have battled himself anyhow?  Forever, if he had to… had his feelings been unrequited, or had they decided to be father and daughter… an idea which still held some appeal for him.  Could they do some unorthodox mixture of both?  He loved her; no one could love her more than he did.  Didn’t that count for something?   “That’s never been the problem, me not likin’ it.”

“There’s never _been_ a problem,” she countered.  “Only in your head.”

“Mmm.  Guess we’ll find out.”

“You mean it?”  She pulled back to look at him hopefully.

 _Shit!  Think before you say potentially misleading things like that._ “I don’ know what I mean.”  He sighed again, but he was smiling, too.  There certainly were worse problems in the world to have.

She looked worried now.  “You still think we shouldn’t touch each other at all?”

“We prob’ly shouldn’, no.”  He made zero effort to push her away from him this time.  “Clearly I ain’t too good at doin’ what I should.”

She let out a shaky laugh.  Started to say something but stopped herself.

“What?  Tell me.”

“Well… what about Esther?”

 _Huh?_ “Esther?  What’s she got to do with anything?”  What a strange person for her to think of in this moment.

“I thought you and her…”

Joel blinked.  _Seriously?!_   “What?  She’s a friend.  Never been more than that.  Why would you think—did Tommy say somethin’ to you?”  Joel had thought his brother was done meddling in his love life, but maybe not.  For a second, he imagined the look of horror on his brother’s face if he were to witness what had just happened between him and Ellie.  Maybe it was the giddy high he was riding now, but the thought amused him a hell of a lot more than it alarmed him.  He could handle Tommy.

“No, I just thought… you know.  I heard about… at the party?  You guys were dancing and stuff?”

Joel kissed her nose and played with a strand of her hair.  _Doesn’t she know she’s the only one I’m close to like this?_ “It wasn’ like that.  There was no ‘and stuff.’  We square danced.  She was itchin’ to dance an’ needed a partner, an’ she sorta dragged me out there.  That’s it.  How does that make us… whatever you’re thinkin’?”

Ellie dodged the question.  “Were you trying to forget me or something?”

“No.  I couldn’ even if I tried.”  That sort of slipped out before Joel could water it down.  It sure took that worry off her face in a hurry, though.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“You’d rather have been dancing with me?”

“Definitely.  You’n’me’ll dance at the next shindig.”

“Okay.”  She sighed in relief and snuggled up to him again.  “Good, cuz you and her… that woulda been harder to deal with than the bed.  I guess… I always kinda knew you guys weren’t, like… I just made myself think it somehow.”

He gave her a squeeze.  “There’s no one else, baby girl.  I think it’s pretty clear I ain’t gonna be like a real dad to you now.  Or… ever.”

She giggled.  “Nope.  That’s okay, I don’t need a dad, I need a… a Joel!”

“Ha.  Well, you’ve got one.”  He stroked her tangled hair, tugging the elastic off the remaining locks in her ponytail and combing through it gently with his fingers.

“Mmm, that feels nice.  And just so you know –- I never did anything with Max.  Or wanted to,” she admitted as she buried her face in his neck.  “I just said that stuff about having sex with him to piss you off.”

 _That_ was a relief.  “I suspected as much, but thank you for ‘fessin’ up.  I wasn’ sure.”  If the thought of Ellie being intimate with anyone made Joel feel a little sick to his stomach, the thought of her and Max made him want to puke his fucking guts out.

“And!  I’m… not actually a skank,” Ellie mumbled into his neck.

And that was a laugh!  “What?  Who said you were?”

“I did.  Sort of.  I mean, with the way I was acting.”

“When was that?”

“You know!  The other night when I was like… hanging on you and trying to get you to take all my clothes off and stuff?”

Joel had to laugh again.  “Well, good thing you clarified that for me, I _was_ actually wonderin’ if maybe you were a whore, after that.”

She popped her head up to look at him.  “Are you being sarcastic?”

“Not at all,” he said sarcastically, grinning.  She gave him a mock pouty look.  “Awww.  Ellie, you will never be a skank, no matter how you act.”

“Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say!”

“What, you _want_ to be skanky now?”

“Maybe not skanky, but… _sexy._ ”

“You already are.”

“I am?”

“Mmhmm.  An’ it’s sexy that you don’ _know_ you’re sexy.”

“It is?”  She scrunched up her face in disbelief.

“It is.”  Joel felt a little peculiar discussing Ellie’s sexiness with her.  He couldn’t just turn the ‘father’ switch in his brain all the way to the ‘off’ position, and she was _so_ young.  How much did it really matter?  So, they were different.  They would never be conventional as a couple _or_ a father/daughter pair.  It wasn’t about sex, either -- that was secondary.  The attraction was definitely there, but…

“So… does that mean you wanna fuck me?” she asked with a smirk.

Joel sort of sighed and laughed at the same time.  If she’d felt the shift in his pants when they were kissing, she already knew the answer to that.  At least she was back to playing her let’s-embarrass-Joel games (which he would never admit that he liked).  The question _definitely_ made him feel uncomfortable.  And maybe it was a bit... unmanly? soft? of him, but he didn’t like her use of the word ‘fuck’ in this context, either.  It felt cheap and dirty, like he was just looking to shoot his load in a warm hole and walk away.  “We’ll talk about that later.  Don’ look at me like that -- we really will, I ain’t jus’ sayin’ it.  But we better get goin’.  It’s a long ride home.”

“I don’t wanna go home,” Ellie announced, sounding whiny for the first time that day.

“What?  Sure you do.  Dude prob’ly left by now anyhow.”  _With any luck._   Joel gave himself props for not referring to him by some derogatory term that might annoy Ellie.

“No, I mean I wanna stay here.  Where everything’s perfect.  I’ll go tell him to leave and I’ll bring Spirit back here and we can stay a while.  Like, forever maybe.”

He kissed her forehead, her scarred eyebrow, her freckled little nose… and finally her lips, where he lingered for a moment.  “This ain’t some magical place, Ellie.  What do you think will happen if we leave?”

She shrugged and looked away.

This turnabout had to be confusing for her, too.  _Maybe I ain’t good enough for her… but who is?  I wouldn’t TRUST anyone else with her.  At least if it’s me, I have some control over things.  But it ain’t like this is all about me.  How can I do right by Ellie?  Am I being a selfish prick, or am I the best one for her, especially considering the limited options?  For God knows what reason, I’m the one she wants, flaws and all.  Doesn’t THAT count for something, too?_ That should count for a  _lot_.  She was only fifteen -- a fact that was, at times, painfully obvious.  But teenagers in today’s world _were_ different from the ones he remembered… at least, some of them.  _Ellie_  was different.  Special.  “We have things to figure out, sure,” he said slowly; he still had to be mindful of what he told her, maybe even more so now.  It felt like a line had been crossed that couldn’t be uncrossed.  He didn’t want to jerk her around by  _trying_ to uncross it to assuage his guilt or whatever the fuck it was that made him think they shouldn’t be romantically involved.  Or maybe that line was still mostly intact… it’s not like they’d done anything but share an innocent kiss… almost-innocent, anyway… “But we _will_ figure them out,” he continued.  “I told you, I ain’t goin’ nowhere.  You’re stuck with me.” 

The laugh that came out of her was nervous and forced.   “Yeah, but…”

“But?”

Then she got quiet.  He rubbed circles on her back and waited for her to find her words.  She was staring at something off to the side that Joel couldn’t see… staring at nothing, like she did when she was upset sometimes.  They’d been communicating so well!  _Don’t shut me out now, baby girl_.  “But what?” he asked gently.

She swallowed hard, and it seemed like she was screwing up whatever courage she could muster before finally speaking.  Still looking at the ‘nothing’ spot, shiny-eyed, her voice barely above a whisper.  “Okay, so… will we still be like… I mean… what if you decide that... we can’t...”  The bravado quickly crumbled and she ducked her head again.

Her vulnerability obliterated what little reserve Joel had been clinging to.  _Fuck it.  Maybe I ain’t so tough after all._ “I won’t.  Hey.  Look at me.  Look at me, Ellie, please.”  He waited for her to lift her head a little, in case she needed a moment to compose herself.  He cupped her pretty face in his hands.  She had every reason to doubt him.  He needed to earn his way back up to the level of trust they used to have.  She bravely met his gaze, and Joel felt his own eyes grow moist.  “I won’t.  I swear.  No goin’ backwards.  I don’ know what this is… what _we_ are… exactly… but I won’t do that to you.  All right?”  He sealed the promise with a tender kiss that he hoped was more reassuring than his bumbling words.

It did seem to relax her a little.  “What about all that stuff you said… that night?”

He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs.  “I don’ know.  I know you want me to say it was all bullshit, but it wasn’t.  Maybe some of it was.  I jus’ know that… this, here… I won’t try to… undo it.”

“Okay.”  The smile returned to her voice.  “I won’t, either.  I promise.”

Happy as he was, Joel had all but forgotten that he shared some of her fears.  Same fears, just growing from different roots.  Ellie had enough youthful hope for both of them.  Maybe some of it was already rubbing off on him, because he felt quite optimistic already about this nascent union.  He was shit at relationships, he _knew_ this, but… like Ellie had said, he’d never been in one with her before.  Only, she had meant that she would be good enough at it for the both of them -- an endearingly naïve opinion.  The truth of it was, he hadn’t had the motivation before.  He’d been going through the motions of living for twenty years.  His heart hadn’t been in it; it had been in the past.  Ellie had made him start living again.  Couldn’t that rebirth of sorts also bleed into his inability to sustain a romantic relationship?

He had cared about Tess.  It was his fault things hadn’t worked out.  But he’d never felt like _this_ with her, either.  Maybe that would have made all the difference.  With Ellie… she was his world.  He couldn’t live without her, life would have no meaning… all that romantic horseshit.  It was all true!  And the two of them together were a force to be reckoned with, truly invincible.  _Invincible… except I’m such a pussified puddle of goo right now that one stupid fucking Runner could waltz through that door and best me._

That was a sobering thought, actually.  “All right, that’s settled then.  You ready to go home?”

“I guess.  If you insist.”  She backed off his lap and pulled him up with her… right into another kiss.  His shoulder protested the motion, but the sweet embrace more than made up for the sting.  She giggled softly.  “Can we do this all the way home?”

“Hell no, you wanna get us killed?”

“What, can’t you kiss me and shoot people at the same time?  I have faith in you, Joel!”

He laughed.  Hugged her close.  Kissed her again, just because he could.  “I think you overestimate me jus’ a smidge.  No more kisses ‘til we get home.”

“That’s ages from now!” she protested.

“Well, seein’ as how it took a year to get to the first one, that ain’t long.”

“Good point!” she said, giggling adorably in his arms.  “It’s still ages, though.  Okay, so _I’ll_ do the shooting.  You can just relax and enjoy the ride.”

No one made him laugh as much as Ellie did.  God, he’d missed her.  And now… he was the luckiest bastard in the world.  “Don’ you want somethin’ to look forward to at home?”

“Yeah –- _more_ kisses!”

He chuckled and let go of her.  “Come on, the sooner we get goin’…”

“Yeah yeah,” she grumbled good-naturedly. 

They started gathering their gear and reloading everything.  It was just like old times… only better, because… _everything_ was suddenly better.  He wondered if he could actually make it all the way home without kissing her again.

Ellie looked happier than he’d ever seen her.  “Hey, so… is it okay if I hold your hand?”  She retrieved her hair band and crafted herself a fresh ponytail.  “In public I mean?  Is that, like… too embarrassing, or… whatever?”

Joel glanced at her.  Holding hands was fairly innocent; friends and relatives could do it, it wasn’t really crossing any lines.  It could be misconstrued, but so could a lot of innocent things.  “Uh… I s’pose that’s all right?  It ain’t that I’m ashamed of you or anythin’ like that.  It’s jus’… for now, at least…”

“I get it.  I actually _do_ get it more, now.  Why it has to be a secret.”

Joel wondered how long it would actually be a secret.  Some folks apparently already had the wrong (right?) idea about them, and Ellie was fairly transparent.  “You okay with that?”

“Yeah.  I’m okay with it.”  She shrugged into her back pack.  “I wouldn’t be if it was cuz you wanted to be with someone else in public and me in private.  But you’re not like— like _some_ guys.”

Joel got the impression she’d been about to say someone’s name and stopped herself.  Was she somewhat disenchanted with Max already?  But he didn’t especially want to get into any of that right now.  “’Course not.  I’m glad you wouldn’ be okay with it if that was the case.  You shouldn’ be.”  And there was _that_ … that Ellie deserved better than to be a dirty little secret.  Yet another issue to shove aside for now and figure out later.

He briefly scouted the surrounding area to make sure it was clear before beckoning Ellie outside.  He held his hand out for her, and she took it with a smile, lacing her small fingers between his, swinging their hands gaily as they walked down the highway.  He was smiling like a fool himself… he would have to knock that shit off or he’d be the one to fuck up the secrecy –- and to Max, of all people, if he was even still around.  Joel could smile on the ride home all he wanted.  Get it out of his system there.  _Damn_ … he was too jaded, too damaged, too _old_ to feel so… _young_.

Ellie started giggling for no reason.  Or no _obvious_ reason.  “What’s so funny?” asked Joel, amused.

“Well… you were supposed to wanna kiss me when I was all foofoo’d up in that ridiculous dress and my hair was all brushed out and everything… not when I’m wearing the same old beat-up clothes I always wear with my hair all dirty… my  _face_  all dirty…”

Joel laughed, too.  He  _had_ wanted to kiss her that day.  But she was just as beautiful right now, grungy as she was, because she was so happy… and, well, she was  _Ellie_.  The window dressing didn’t really matter.  Still… she’d looked awfully cute in that dress… “It wasn’ ridiculous at all, Ellie.  That’s one thing we gotta discuss,” Joel said with mock seriousness.  “I understand you bein’ dirty out here, especially after a fight.  But back home, I expect you to wear nice dresses for me every day from here on out.  Cook dinner every night, too.”

Ellie play-slugged him with her free hand.  “Fuck you!  I’m not gonna-- wait.  If I do, then you have to wear… um… bunny slippers!  I’ll get you some finally!  That’s not enough, though.  You also have to wear… oh, a tuxedo!  Yeah that’d be cool, I’ve never seen a guy wear one of those before.  Not that I don’t like the sweaty, filthy, bloody, ripped-up-shirt thing you’re rocking right now…”

Joel cocked an eyebrow.  “A tuxedo an’ bunny slippers?  Those are your terms?”

“Yep.  Every day that I wear a dress you have to wear that.  And whenever we cook at home you have to cook, too.  We’ll do it together.”

“Fair enough.  Too bad there ain’t no tuxedos in town.  That’s a damn shame.”

Ellie snickered.  “Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure Millie will make you one.  Unless you’d rather have a dress instead?  We could  _both_ wear them!  Wouldn’t that be cute?  Yeah, that’s even better than the tux thing!”

Joel cringed.  “Ugh.  Why do you want me to look like a girl?”

“I don’t!  You’d be a butt-ugly girl.  No offense.  You’d just look  _awesome_ in a dress.”

“I beg to differ.”

“You beg to… haha, I guess if you beg me, I might let you off the hook.”

Joel laughed.  “So, every day I don’ wanna wear a dress –- which is _every_ day –- I have to beg you?”

Ellie pretended to consider.  “Mmm… no.  Actually, all you have to do is kiss me.  Every day.  But if I kiss you back, then I don’t have to wear one either.”

Joel smirked.  “You got yourself a deal, kiddo.”

“But, before… those don’t count.  If you don’t wanna wear one when we get home, you still have to kiss me.”

“Shit,” Joel grumbled, trying to suppress a smile.  “Wait -- we ain’t gonna get home ‘til after bedtime.”

“Doesn’t matter.  You… um… you have to stay up an extra hour just to wear it.  Yeah.”

“I don’ have a dress, how am I s’posed to get one so fast?”

“Not my problem!  You’ll have to figure it out.  Or, you know, just kiss me.”

“Hmm, tough choice there.”

“You can think it over on that long ride back.  I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.”  She looked completely serious now.  And so cute.

“Where’s this barn of yours?”

“The barn?  Um… there, see it?” She lifted their joined hands to point to a building some two hundred yards away, well off the highway.  “We left the horses and ran the whole way in from there.  I  _knew_ it was you when I saw Spirit.  That you were here somewhere, I mean.”

“Thank you for that.  S’pose I should thank your horse for runnin’ off on me, too.”  Joel didn’t see Max near the barn, far away though it was… and he wasn’t sure how far the guy would roam to ‘keep watch’, but he wasn’t anywhere in plain sight.  That was good enough for Joel.  He stopped walking and swung Ellie around, tugging her close to him before letting go of her hand to wrap his arms around her waist.  “I’d like to inform you of my decision, ma’am.”

Ellie almost giggled again but caught herself.  “Are you sure you gave it enough thought?  There’s no rush, take all the time you need.”

“I don’ need more time.  I’m sure I made the right call.”  She smiled and started to reply, but Joel snuffed out the words when he kissed her.  He couldn’t believe how amazing it felt.  He also couldn’t help thinking,  _What the hell took me so long?_ But, things took as long as they took.  Maybe they _had_ to experience everything they went through to get here, letting one layer set before adding the next.  Rushing or half-assing only caused problems down the road.  Building things properly took time and patience.  And they weren’t done yet; the foundation was laid, but they had a long way to go.  Probably longer than Ellie realized.

She was looking at him now like he’d hung the moon, and Joel wanted to enjoy that for as long as it lasted.  “Mmm, I think you did, too,” she said cheerfully.  Now let’s negotiate other stuff… like how I can get you to kill a bug in the house for me!”

“Ha!  Well, now you’re pushin’ it.  You think all you have to do is kiss me an’ I’ll do whatever you want?”  It wouldn’t even take that much.  Probably all she had to do was smile at him… or look at him... _shit, I’m doomed._

“Yep, pretty much.”  Ellie giggled.  “It’s clearly the best solution to any given problem.  And we can’t fight when we’re kissing so not only does it solve everything, it like… prevents _future_ problems.  It’s perfect!”

Joel couldn’t argue with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone’s curious… unlike Joel, I DID do the math, and was delighted to find that Joel would catch up to Max and Ellie about a mile past the town of Swan Valley, close enough that I didn’t even have to make something up. The fudgiest part is I perhaps made Spirit a WEE bit faster than he should be. Well, he’s special! And while we’re doing math, Joel actually killed 27 Infected before Max and Ellie showed up. Good thing I was controlling him with written words and not my PS4 controller or things would have ended very differently, lol.
> 
> Aaaaaaand I fibbed, there will be one more chapter -- the epilogue! Stay tuned!


	33. Epilogue

“I’m pregnant.”

Ellie waited a moment for Joel to say something; his eyebrows shot up, but he showed no emotion, and had apparently been rendered speechless.  _Typical Joel!_ Well, she could be excited enough for the both of them.  “I knew it!  I knew that’s what you were gonna announce –- ohhh I’m so happy for you guys!  Congratulations!”  She hopped up from the table and scurried over to Maria’s chair to hug her neck from behind.  “Eeeeee so cool!” she squealed. 

“Thanks!  Yeah, it is, huh?” Maria was all smiles as she patted Ellie’s arm.  “And a bit scary.”

“It’ll be great!  I’ll help you out.”  Then she bounced over to give Tommy a hug, too.  “So will Joel.  Right, Joel?”

“Sure.”  Joel crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, regarding his brother with amusement.  “My baby brother, a _dad_.  Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Hey, you never thought I’d get married either, asshole,” Tommy said, laughing.  “Things change.”

Ellie returned to her seat and started firing all kinds of questions at Maria:  how did she know, how far along did she think she was, how did she break the news to Tommy, was she sick in the mornings, did she want a girl or a boy, what names did they like… and so forth.  Maria answered them all happily.  Tommy chimed in here and there.  Joel was mostly quiet, as was his way.  Ellie couldn’t get a solid sense of his mood.  He seemed to be happy for them (why _wouldn’t_ he be?!) but he also seemed… maybe a bit weirded out by it, or something.

It was family movie night, and Maria and Tommy had chosen that night to announce the news because they didn’t want the whole town to know yet –- not for another month or so, which apparently wasn’t an unusual practice for expectant parents.  Ellie thought she might burst with yet another secret to keep, but of course she agreed to it.  Maybe she could convince them to at least let her tell Annie.  Annie could use some good news… although, all things considered, she was doing very well.  Jacob and Christine were pretty much pariahs among their friends now.  It was funny how Annie had never thought of herself as popular, or acted the way one might expect a popular person to act, but when shit hit the fan, there was more allegiance to her side than Jacob’s, at least among the other teens.  People really respected her.  The best part was that Jacob and Christine weren’t even happy… or so Ellie had heard.

Ellie felt too excited to watch a movie and asked if they could just keep talking instead.  Surprisingly, Joel didn’t object.  After a little while, he and Tommy went outside to leave the girls to their ‘girl talk.’  The visit ended earlier than usual; Maria was tired, and the time they’d spent talking was less than the time they would have spent watching the movie.  It turned out that was exactly why Joel didn’t mind trading the movie for conversation.

“I should’ve guessed!” Ellie laughed at his confession as they walked home, hand in hand like they always did now.  “Not because you really wanted to _talk_.  To your own family, even.  You’re the most antisocial person ever.”

Joel chuckled.  “That may be so, but tonight I have an actual reason to wanna get home early.  An’ now I’m kinda pissed ‘cause I can’t really compete with Tommy’n’Maria.  They stole the show.”

“What?  What show?” Ellie chirped excitedly.  Joel didn’t sound like he was actually pissed.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  “They didn’t _steal_ anything.  So what are you talking about?  What’s at home?  What are we doing?”

Joel laughed.  “Patience, young grasshopper.  Can’t you wait another five minutes ‘til we get home?”

“You walk too slow, it’ll be more like _ten_ minutes –- and when are you gonna tell me how the fuck I’m a _grasshopper_? –- and no, I _can’t_ wait!  Let’s run!”  Ellie promptly dropped his hand and took off like she was running for her life.

After a few moments, Joel followed suit.  Even though he’d given her a decent head start, he caught up to her before they got home.  She shrieked when he grabbed her and tackled her to the ground… well, _sort_ of tackled her.  That’s the action he was mimicking when he pulled her against him and eased them both to the ground, then rolled on top of her as she giggled madly (albeit rather breathlessly).  She loved it when he was playful. 

Joel grinned down at her.  “Still think I’m slow?”  He kissed her before she could make the excuse that her legs were shorter than his.  It felt scandalous, kissing out there in the grass, where anyone could walk by… but it was almost completely dark now, and they’d already gone beyond the streetlamps into the forest –- no one would be around.  Ellie hoped they never moved into the heart of the town.

Kissing him didn’t exactly help her catch her breath, either.  They hadn’t kissed in _hours_.  She wrapped her arms and legs around him and enjoyed the feeling of his body on hers, both their hearts racing… _We could totally have sex out here, just like this… someday!_ She kissed him hungrily until he groaned softly and rolled off of her.  He failed to disentangle himself from all her appendages and she rolled with him, but she took his cue to ‘cease and desist,’ and simply smiled down at him while their breathing regulated.  Ellie never initiated anything romantic when they were anywhere other than inside their own house.  It was fine when Joel did it (though he rarely did) –- that was different.  It probably would have been like anything else where she tested his limits:  he could ‘Ellie’ her, or give her a Look, if he didn’t think it was a good idea.  She just had this… _thing_ about not wanting him to do that, or to _have_ to do that.  In spite of all that shit he’d said about how she should be herself and not some version of herself she thought he wanted, and that he wouldn’t change his mind and decide they couldn’t be this way anymore… she couldn’t help it -- she didn’t completely believe him, and she certainly wasn’t going to do anything that might add a stone to his maybe-we-shouldn’t-do-this pile.

“You wanna know somethin’?” he asked, knowing full well that she did… whatever it was.  “The very first day we got here, after Salt Lake… we weren’t even Inside yet… remember you were quiet, an’… serious… somber-like.  I never thought it would actually happen, but I had this fantasy about you runnin’ off, laughin’ like crazy, an’ me chasin’ you.  Jus’ remembered that now.”

“You did?  Aww!”  She was surprised to hear it, and touched that he’d decided to share the memory with her.  “Did it end like this?”

He laughed.  “Not exactly, no.”

Ellie sprung to her feet.  “Come on, you’re distracting me!  We’re almost home!”  She ran the rest of the way to the house, leaving him lying there in the grass.  She let herself in and looked around the main room… in the bedroom… even the bathroom… nothing out of place.  Maybe he just wanted them to be alone.  _For what reason?!_ The first one that popped in her head was that he was going to ask her to marry him.  _Completely_ out of the question… laughably ridiculous, really.  He didn’t even want anyone to know they were a thing, why would he want… _wait, it could be a secret engagement!  So romantic!_ But still unrealistic.  Joel would think she was way too young, and that they were way too new.  So, what else… _maybe he’s decided we can have sex now!_ That was certainly more plausible!  Still a long shot; she expected them to have quite a few more awkward conversations about it first.  Ellie was willing to go as slow as he wanted.  She could dream about the day they finally had sex… or got married… or when _she_ might be the one announcing a pregnancy…

She heard his footsteps outside and quickly pretended to be searching the premises, since she didn’t want him to think she was expecting either of those crazy ideas.  She was peering into a cupboard when he walked through the door, and he laughed.  “What are you doin’?  Yep, you guessed it –- surprise, we got ourselves a new… loaf of bread!”

Ellie abandoned her fake mission and rushed over to Joel.  “Okay, we’re home now, pleeeeease tell me why you wanted to get here so bad!”  She took his arms and wrapped them around herself.  He always seemed to find it cute when she posed him.  She hadn't confessed to posing his hand in bed that one time, though; she felt she was entitled to _some_ secrets, especially if they fit Joel's criteria of being _too fucking embarrassing_ to share.  She encircled his neck with her own arms and tugged him into a kiss.  “Pleeeease?” she pleaded against his lips.  “Pretty please?”

He squeezed her.  “You don’ gotta beg.  Go sit down over there an’ wait jus’ one more minute.”

“One whole minute?  Ugh,” she mock pouted, but took a seat on the couch while he locked and barricaded the door and started checking all the windows, like he did at bedtime.  “Can’t you do that later?  It’s not like there’s anything ever messed up about the windows…”

“I might as well do it while I’m closin’ the curtains, yeah?  An’ you never know.  One day there might be.”

Ellie actually liked that he was overly concerned about their safety to a ridiculous extent, but she also liked giving him shit about it.  “Yeah, maybe someone’ll happen to come in when the door’s not locked and prop a window open so they can come back later and murder us in our sleep.  Just for fun.”

“You never know,” he repeated facetiously, dropping a kiss on top of her head as he walked by.  Ellie thought it was more likely that, should someone be so inclined, they would stake out the place and figure out where the key was (although Joel changed its location so often they both got confused), or find it on their own.  Most houses in Jackson didn’t even have a way to lock them from the outside and they had no problems, other than kids occasionally making mischief, perhaps.

Of course, most houses didn’t have their arsenal of weapons inside, either.  Ellie felt like the town was safe enough that she didn’t need to tote a gun around anymore; Joel felt that her nonchalance was exactly why she _did_ still need to –- especially if others would soon be afforded the privilege, which was a hot topic at the last town meeting.  She’d agreed to it just to make him happy.  Ellie would do just about anything to make him happy.  The only real bone of contention they had now was Max. 

Ellie didn’t expect Joel and Max to be best friends or anything, but she thought that after they’d helped each other in that Swan Valley fight, they would have bonded at least a _little_ bit.  At the very least, hadn’t Max proven he wasn’t the evil asshole Joel had assumed?  Ellie wouldn’t agree to never talk to him at _all_ , like if she saw him in the library or at the warehouse or wherever, but she did agree not to spend time alone with him, or seek him out.  That wasn’t hard to do, since he wasn’t in her social circle anyway.  It gave Joel more peace of mind, and Ellie felt it wasn’t an unreasonable request.  Joel said it was a respect thing… that neither of them should spend time alone with members of the opposite sex, regardless of how unromantic their intentions were.  Tommy and Maria were the only exception.  Even Esther wasn’t exempt from the rule, much to Ellie’s relief.

Joel and Esther still had guard duty together sometimes, though, and Ellie couldn’t help worrying just a little that Joel might feel drawn to her.  That’s where the trust came into play; she had to believe Joel wouldn’t betray her.  It made her wish Joel was okay with them having sex, if not all-the-way sex then at least _some_ form of it.  If he _did_ like Esther that way, they could fuck each other’s brains out with no hesitation.  The laundry skanks, too.  How could Ellie compete with that when Joel was such a prude with her?  If Annie had slept with Jacob, he probably could have ignored Christine and her boobs.  When she said as much to Joel, though, he just laughed and said she was cute, that she had nothing to worry about, and that it was definitely _not_ a good reason for them to have sex.

For the most part, Ellie didn’t worry.  She still hoped he’d change his mind about waiting until she was older, but, playful banter aside, she didn’t pressure him.  She was willing to wait until he was ready, no matter how long it took.  Joel was worth it.  He was in the bedroom now… _what is he doing in there? Making it all romantic-like for our first time, maybe?!_ Ellie tried not to think about that since logic told her it was unlikely.  She heard some rustling, something latching… or maybe unlatching… and then Joel emerged from the bedroom –- sporting a guitar!  Ellie gasped.

“I seem to recall that a while back, you were wantin’ to hear me sing,” he said with a knowing smile.  He sat on the couch and angled himself towards her.

“Oh my God _yes!_ You’re finally gonna sing for me?!” Ellie exclaimed.  This was _better_ than sex!

“I’m finally gonna sing for you.”  He strummed a few notes experimentally, then fiddled with the knobs on the end.

“Where did that guitar come from?  I looked in the bedroom, I didn’t see it!”

“It’s been under the bed for a lil’ while.  Got it from Tommy.  Been practicin’ when I could, mostly on the mornings you went to the farm.  I was hopin’ you wouldn’ find it before… before I was ready.”

Ellie squealed in delight.  “You practiced and everything!  Oh my God this is so fucking _amazing_.”

He strummed the strings again and nodded in satisfaction.  “I’d like to teach you how to play, if you’re interested in learnin’.”

“Of course I’m interested!  But not ‘til after you sing!”

Joel laughed.  “I’ll sing, don’ worry.  I’ve actually been workin’ on this since before you an’ me… were a thing.”  They still didn’t have the perfect name for what they were.  Ellie thought of them as a couple, as boyfriend/girlfriend, even if Joel didn’t use those words –- but in truth, they didn’t need a label, and Ellie kind of liked that they were undefinable.  Boyfriends and girlfriends could be replaced; whatever she and Joel were to each other, it was unique, and therefore more special.  Joel cleared his throat.  “I know it’s only been a few weeks, but… they’ve been a pretty damn _good_ few weeks, an’ I, uh… well, I… jus’ want you to know…”

“Me too,” Ellie cut in to rescue him.  He was so fucking adorable when he tried to express his feelings (and he wasn’t nearly as bad at it as he seemed to think he was) but she couldn’t help feeling the discomfort it brought him… it made her feel awkward on his behalf.  Awkward, yet gleeful.

“Right.  Well, remember right after we got here, when you said there’d never be nothin’ new again, an’ it made you sad?  I wanted to give you somethin’ new.”  The smile that played about his lips now was a bit shy, uncertain… Ellie thought her heart might burst already.

When he began to sing, though, the shyness melted away completely, and his voice took on a rich, honeyed tone that was new to Ellie.

_~If I ever were to lose you,_

_I’d surely lose myself_

_Everything I have found dear_

_I’ve not found by myself_

_Try and sometimes you succeed_

_To make this man of me_

_All my stolen missing parts_

_I’ve no need for anymore_

 

_I believe…_

_And I believe ‘cause I can see_

_Our future days,_

_Days of you’n’me_

_Back when I was feeling broken_

_I focused on a prayer_

_You came deep as any ocean_

_Did something out there hear?_

_All the complexities and games_

_No one wins but somehow they’re still played_

_All the missing crooked hearts_

_They may die but in us they live on_

_I believe…_

_And I believe ‘cause I can see_

_Our future days,_

_Days of you’n’me_

_When hurricanes and cyclones raged_

_When winds turned dirt to dust_

_When floods they came or tides they raised_

_Ever closer became us_

_All the promises at sundown_

_I’ve meant them like the rest_

_All the demons used to come ‘round_

_I’m grateful now they’ve left_

_So persistent in my ways_

_Hey, angel, I’m here to stay_

_No resistance, no alarms_

_Please, this is just too good to be gone_

_I believe…_

_And I believe ‘cause I can see_

_Our future days,_

_Days of you’n’me…_

_You and me~_

The last notes faded away and Joel rested his hand on the guitar, watching her, awaiting her judgment.

It was the most beautiful thing Ellie had ever heard in her life.  She’d had no idea that Joel, sweet but awkward-with-feelings Joel, could have such poetry in his heart.  This time _she_ couldn’t find the words.  She’d been fighting tears pretty much the whole time he was singing -- and a couple of them won.  She swiped at her cheeks with her sleeve.  “You fucking made me cry,” she said lamely.

“I reckon you liked it, then.”

She nodded and pushed the guitar aside so she could give him proper hugs and kisses.  What an idiot she’d been to worry about Esther, or Joel breaking his promise, or anything else she could possibly fret over –- Joel was _hers_ and he loved her with his whole heart.  He’d done some really nice things for her before, but this was just… “That was… _Jesus_ , Joel… I can’t believe that you… _fuck_ …”

“You can believe it.”  His voice was thick with emotion, his eyes glazed with affection… his kiss a salve on wounds old and new… all of it like a dream -- the best fucking dream of Ellie’s life.

“If I’m dreaming, don’t wake me up, ‘kay?” she murmured into his neck.

He squeezed her so hard she could barely breathe.  “Mm.  I’m right there with you, baby girl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the song (Pearl Jam’s “Future Days”) is from TLOU One Night Live. Much as I resent the existence of that so-called epilogue, I did like this bit, with some adaptation to suit my own story, of course. I was originally going to include it in an early chapter, but finding out about ONL messed that up, and when I finally decided I didn’t HAVE to work around ONL after all, it was too late. I think it works much better at the end of the fic though so that turned out to be a good thing.
> 
> This story evolved so much as I was writing it that I know I’ve left some loose ends, and I could edit the shit out of this somewhat disjointed thing… but there’s no real reason to bother. Joel and Ellie are the only important ‘end’ to tie up. Y’all can just imagine they live happily ever after now if you want ;) Thank you for reading, I hope the fic met your expectations!


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